Sorry, this probably belongs there, but the “chapel” is too stuffy for me.
So knowing I suffer from depression and am struggling with my back issues, I’ve been asked tonight to give a talk to the youth in our church about suicide and why they need to carry on an persevere.
Right this very moment I’m sitting in my garage, music is around 104db, and I’m typing this between spasms, crying and screaming in pain. The loud music seems to help take my mind off of focusing on the pain and the vibrations oddly enough help slow the spasms down some.
Two nights ago I was fighting spasms so I went to lie down. I had a spasm hit so hard it threw me out of bed onto the floor. I’ve not had much sleep this week, which if you look at my recent posting times, you can see yourself.
I cannot in good conscious do this talk, speech, whatever, I’m a total hypocrite if I tell someone the fight is worth it when I wake up in the morning and have to fight myself to live.
The train tracks run through town at a 12deg angle, if you are traveling 75-80mph and turn lightly at the library’s front door you can hit the train at a negative angle, increasing no survival chance. Either remove the fuse for the air bag, or stab it with a knife ahead of time to limit its usefulness.
SERIOUSLY, how am I, in the state I am (temperature swings, big changes in barometric pressure, so on, screw me up bad! I got to sleep at 6:15am today, I was up at 8:54am and from about 6pm on ive literally been in screaming pain beyond whatever weather pattern is moving in?
Again, sorry it’s so long winded, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve visited many in our community when depression hit them. I’ve visited in the hospital and sat down with spouses and tried my best to explain it to them. It’s funny, most of them think their partner just goes blank and shuts down. It’s the exact opposite, there comes a point we have so much going on in our heads that we shut down to figure out what is and isn’t important because we are ALWAYS trying to fix a problem! We wake up in the middle of the night with a soloution to a problem three months ago. WE DON’T make sense and probably never will.
Oddly I’ve found some solace helping others in the past. But as it stands, I’m too far gone right now to steer anyone straight.
I hope this is halfway ledgible, I’m having struggles getting my arms, hands and fingers to do what I want them to! I don’t think torture or threatening to cut them off will go over well.
So there’s my dirty little secret, I have to fight all day, everyday to get through it. Then when you’ve been up 3-4 days straight because the pain won’t let you sleep, it’s a serious battle.
So while I’d love to help, I’m not the right “Huckleberry” at this time.