Dating over 50.

[HWooldridge]

Lesson 1 in real life: Everything is a compromise. Perfection is an idea - it doesn't exist on earth. You always "settle." Your car didn't have the perfect feature set, it wasn't reliable enough, or it was too expensive. Your favorite dog chewed holes in everything, had weird allergies, or slobbered water all over the floor every time he drank.

That's life. Everything is always a compromise. You have to decide what compromises you are willing to accept and which ones you are not. The corollary to that is that "somebody willing to put up with you" is an important piece of that compromise. "What hill do you die on?" is an important question for yourself. If the answer is "All of them." ... Well, I hope you are happy dying on that hill all alone.

The next reality is that "The good ones" don't stay on the market long.

I got married late. In the process of dealing with my own problems and failures, I realized that I got along a much better with somebody easy going. I also realized that I can't fix anybody or make them happy. Contentment comes from within. It's a decision we make, just like deciding whether or not that hill is worth dying on. With that knowledge of what specific things were non-negotiable, I was then able to make actual headway via flexibility on everything else. It worked. We've been married 20 years. It hasn't all been easy, but we started off with a good foundation.

That about sums it up - case closed...

[trapper9260]

Lesson 1 in real life: Everything is a compromise. Perfection is an idea - it doesn't exist on earth. You always "settle." Your car didn't have the perfect feature set, it wasn't reliable enough, or it was too expensive. Your favorite dog chewed holes in everything, had weird allergies, or slobbered water all over the floor every time he drank.

That's life. Everything is always a compromise. You have to decide what compromises you are willing to accept and which ones you are not. The corollary to that is that "somebody willing to put up with you" is an important piece of that compromise. "What hill do you die on?" is an important question for yourself. If the answer is "All of them." ... Well, I hope you are happy dying on that hill all alone.

The next reality is that "The good ones" don't stay on the market long.

I got married late. In the process of dealing with my own problems and failures, I realized that I got along a much better with somebody easy going. I also realized that I can't fix anybody or make them happy. Contentment comes from within. It's a decision we make, just like deciding whether or not that hill is worth dying on. With that knowledge of what specific things were non-negotiable, I was then able to make actual headway via flexibility on everything else. It worked. We've been married 20 years. It hasn't all been easy, but we started off with a good foundation.

This sums it up. When you do find the one that looks to work out. If not a good foundation , then it will not last.

[WRideout]

I was introduced to my wife, Betsy, by a mutual friend who insisted we should get to know each other. Our first actual get-together was meeting at her church, sharing a hymnal, and then going out to lunch. At the time I wasn't seriously looking, but she won my heart. In 2004 we were married, and have lived through the ups and downs of married life. I was fifty-two at the time. I have learned a couple of things along the way. I most dislike those qualities in others that I have myself. If looks were important, no woman would have me. and finally, you can't be codependent all by yourself.

Even us older folks can fall in love, and it is a wonderful feeling. It just doesn't last forever. As that addlepated sense of being "in love" dissipates, it can be replaced by genuine intimacy, and a friendship that can't be had any other way.

Wayne

[TXTad]

...
I think the mature women that are out there that are single, don’t have issues with kids or family, have their own money and a comfortable income feel the same. They probably have a very hard time trying to find a guy that isn’t a bum with many issues.
...

I believe you are correct. When I got divorced and started dating again in 2015, it was a challenge and many women I met had the same issues with the men. Still, there are good people out there, they're just harder to find because I think the best ones quit looking.

[DougGuy]

I believe you are correct. When I got divorced and started dating again in 2015, it was a challenge and many women I met had the same issues with the men. Still, there are good people out there, they're just harder to find because I think the best ones quit looking.

You do know the first rule of dating right? All the good ones are TAKEN!

[TXTad]

You do know the first rule of dating right? All the good ones are TAKEN!

I disagree. There are good people who are getting out of bad relationships every day.

Good people are harder find we get older just because there are less of us, and many have just given up.

[Murphy]

I met my first wife on a honky tonk hardwood floor, I met my second wife in Alcoholics Anonymous.

In the past 15 years, two of my friends in their 50's had to get mail order brides, they both seem happy. But a lot of the time, people hate admitting failure of any kind.

I'm 69 now and the wife and I are doing fine. Heaven forbid anything happens to that woman, they may as well dig two holes. Let's face it, we all come with some form of baggage. The same can be said for most of the ladies out there over 50.

Good luck & best wishes for those of you out there who are 50+ looking for a spouse.


Murphy

[FISH4BUGS]

I've been divorced for over 10 years now. I'm 54. I've had 2 serious girlfriends in that time period and both were a bit crazy and around 10 years younger than me.

I had finally come to terms with reality a few months ago and decided that being single was actually pretty darn good.

It seems that every woman over the age of 35 that is single has some serious issues, or comes with lots of "baggage", or is downright unattractive.

I came to the conclusion that dating over the age of 50 means serious compromise in terms of attractiveness, mental health, values, drama, compatibility, etc.

My last girlfriend was sweet, conservative, Christian, attractive, and amorous. But, she also still lived with her parents, was fiscally irresponsible, horrible credit, loved rap, and gained 45 lbs while we dated.

She actually broke up with me because I didn't approve of her fascination with urban culture and didn't enjoy travel to dangerous urban areas. Good riddance.

But, I dated her for 2.5 years despite knowing that she was seriously flawed.

I sadly think that this is normal for people dating past 50. I was willing to overlook all of the danger signs just to avoid being alone.

The girlfriend before her actually said to me that at my age, I needed to find someone that would take care of me in my old age and that I was running out of time. I was 48 at the time. She ended up getting fired from her job for refusing to stop trying to sell her pyramid scheme supplements to coworkers. Crazy.

Dating over 50 is pretty awful, from what I've seen.

Now, I did meet the woman God picked out for me a couple of months ago. 100% certain we will marry.

But I came pretty dang close to settling and am curious as to if other guys over 50 have settled, or have decided to stick to their guns and remain single, or met their miracle gal.

Divorced at 50, never had a problem meeting/dating women, but after a while (actually three year's worth of therapy) I figured out I was not clear on what was important to me in a relationship.
I created a checklist when dating a new woman.
1) Working on, or competed working on her issues, if any, and not needy
2) Not taking any psychotropic medications
3) No kids at home
4) Didn't mind guns
5) Self sufficient
6) Willing to take a roll in the hay
As I got further and further into a relationship, it was like peeling an onion - one layer at a time. I knew what I needed and wanted. When I got to a place that didn't measure up to my needs, I could make an informed decision as to whether or not I would continue on.
It took some time, but 25 years later, we are not married, a committed partnership, and we own our home free and clear.
YMMV.

[fatelk]

This thread has been an interesting one to read. We all have our different perspectives and experiences in life.

I got married a little later than most. We were both about 30 when we met, married in four months. Neither of us had been in a relationship before, no baggage to speak of at all. We had been waiting and knew when we knew. We've been through tough times since then, but tough times that we face together: death of parents, job loss, medical issues, more medical issues, cancer, etc.. Now, two decades and four kids later, still going strong. I think the biggest problem in relationships is selfishness. Sure, she has her flaws and quirks, and I know full well that I have mine. I put up with hers, and she puts up with mine.

I had an aunt, gone now, who was single her whole life. My mom said that she was engaged a couple times when she was young, but always broke it off. She had this idea of perfection, and always found flaws in guys she was seeing. It got worse as she got older, as we all know it does. She ended up pretty lonely.

[Winger Ed.]

I think the biggest problem in relationships is selfishness.

In most classes or courses you'll ever take, there is usually one thing you take away, feel was most important, or remember from it.
Years ago a buddy went to the certification process to become a marriage counselor.

His take away from the course was:
All the problems you'll ever have with any person, is because they didn't live up to your expectations of them.

Along those lines--
I've found that if you don't expect much from someone-- you won't ever be disappointed in them either.

[HWooldridge]

People are complex - and each one of us is blessed and fortunate if we can find someone to spend our lives with.

I knew a little gal in college who was a pure doll - but she liked crazy guys and always wanted to "fix them". She had a full ride on daddy's dime but she dropped out of school to marry a guy who was Satan's little helper; he was into drug dealing and all sorts of nefarious activity. I lost track of her but seriously suspect they were not a lifelong match...

[Winger Ed.]

I lost track of her but seriously suspect they were not a lifelong match...

Sounds like one of those deals where he thought she was perfect, and hoped she'd never change.
She thought he was a little rough around the edges, but figured she could change him.

A little farther down the road- it became apparent that she changed, and he never would.

[DougGuy]

Good post Ed, keyword = expectations.

When you go to meet someone new for the first time, go with NO expectations. Let the meeting steer it's own course instead of failing to meet up with your pre conceived notions of how it should go.

You can have the BEST emails and phone conversations, and it's VERY easy to get expectations, and you think WOW this one just HAS to turn out good, but as much as you talk and message with this person, until you actually meet in real life the first time, neither one of you can predict whether you will or will not find chemistry or attraction right off the bat. Sometimes it's instant, many times you need to not push the questions in your own mind, wait and think about things later, often you will realize that at first you didn't feel any connection, but later you feel differently and want to meet again. Or not.

This was one of the more eye opening things about meeting new women for me, so I learned NO expectations for first meeting, and don't be surprised if you just don't feel an attraction (when you both were enjoying the communication SO much).

[FISH4BUGS]

Good post Ed, keyword = expectations..

Better key word: compromise

[abunaitoo]

At first I thought "this guy has a lots of guts, dating 50 women at once."
I can't even find one to talk to me.
I wondered what his secret was.
But then I read more.

[Winger Ed.]

At first I thought "this guy has a lots of guts, dating 50 women at once."
I can't even find one to talk to me. I wondered what his secret was.

Don't give up. Even if you're uglier than a mule's butt--- there's someone out there for ya.

[fatelk]

Good post Ed, keyword = expectations.

When you go to meet someone new for the first time, go with NO expectations. Let the meeting steer it's own course instead of failing to meet up with your pre conceived notions of how it should go.

You can have the BEST emails and phone conversations, and it's VERY easy to get expectations, and you think WOW this one just HAS to turn out good, but as much as you talk and message with this person, until you actually meet in real life the first time, neither one of you can predict whether you will or will not find chemistry or attraction right off the bat. Sometimes it's instant, many times you need to not push the questions in your own mind, wait and think about things later, often you will realize that at first you didn't feel any connection, but later you feel differently and want to meet again. Or not.

This was one of the more eye opening things about meeting new women for me, so I learned NO expectations for first meeting, and don't be surprised if you just don't feel an attraction (when you both were enjoying the communication SO much).

I met my wife online, twenty years ago. We communicated online before we talked, then we talked on the phone a LOT before I drove the 350 miles to meet her.

I remember very well the first time I met her. I was disappointed that there wasn't that instant attraction or chemistry. I was actually more physically attracted to a girl I had hung out with for a while before meeting my wife. I never pursued that one, though; she pretty, sweet, kind, but I also knew she was nuts. I dodged a bullet there, glad I never laid a hand on her.

I was disappointed at the lack of spark when I met my wife, but we got a long so well and were compatible on so many levels that we kept talking and seeing each other. The attraction and feelings developed pretty quick. I'm glad we got to know each other very well before meeting in person, or it might never have been.

[georgerkahn]

BEST wishes! I recall Anna Nicole Smith (age 26) married the one and only true love of her life -- to an 89 year old fellow -- J. Howard Marshall. Sad was the devastating effect it had upon her... believed by many to be the decline..when he predeceased her. Hey -- if "magic is in the air" between ANY two people -- go for it! Life's tooooo short to be in that Nursing Home wheel-chair REGRETTING not have so done!
geo

[Fcb]

BEST wishes! I recall Anna Nicole Smith (age 26) married the one and only true love of her life -- to an 89 year old fellow -- J. Howard Marshall. Sad was the devastating effect it had upon her... believed by many to be the decline..when he predeceased her. Hey -- if "magic is in the air" between ANY two people -- go for it! Life's tooooo short to be in that Nursing Home wheel-chair REGRETTING not have so done!
geo

Yeah - that's what happened. Great analysis and summation.

[snowwolfe]

When you date anyone, the first couple of dates you are meeting the person they want to represent. After a month or so you peel off the layers and see who they really are.