Jokes needed

[buggybuilder]

My grandson is in the St. Louis hospital (Shriners) having a "halo" attached to his head. He will be there for one month and will then have surgery to fuse his spine.
I send cards weekly and would like to include a few jokes from grandpa.
Something like the following: How much does it cost for a pirate to have his ears pierced? A buccaneer
Thanks for any help!!

[alfadan]

What did the snail say on the back of a turtle? "Weeee!"

[KYCaster]

If you're attacked by a gang of clowns....
Go for the juggler!

Jerry

[Dieselhorses]

(This was actually Pat Sajak's "Dad joke so credit goes to him) but what do you get when a bus load of inmates collides with a cement truck?

"Hardened criminals" :bigsmyl2:

[Rcmaveric]

What did the alien say when he landed in the garden?

Take me to your weeder.

Sent from my SM-N970U using Tapatalk

[ryanmattes]

How can you tell boy ants from girl ants?

Drop them in a cup of water. If they sink, they're girl ants. If they float, they're buoyant.

Sent from my Pixel 3a using Tapatalk

[Ickisrulz]

I named my son after my father.

My son's name is Dad.

[Buzz Krumhunger]

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

[cwtebay]

Do you know the difference between a Zippo and a hippo?

One is really heavy, the other is just a little lighter.

Sent from my Pixel 5 using Tapatalk

[Stewbaby]

I’d tell the one about the peanut butter but I don’t want to spread it

[Conditor22]

sorry to hear about your grandson.
It would help if we know what age he was and a little more about him.

what time is it when an elephant sits on a fence ---- time to get a new fence.

what goes up the chimney down but not down the chimney up --- an umbrella

[sigep1764]

Don't take it the wrong way. Have fun with the halo to desensitize any self consciousness. Get him a Herman Munster mask and a dvd of the show and he can impersonate Herman.

[Dipperman]

Where does a 300 pound canary sit?

Anywhere he wants to.


What does a 300 pound parrot say?

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.


How can you tell if there is an elephant in the bathtub with you?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

[dagger dog]

What do you call a guy that's laying in front of your door ? Matt

[William Yanda]

What do you call a sea gull flying over the bay? A bagle.

[beezapilot]

Three old guys walked into a bar, don't you think the last one would have ducked?

[Half Dog]

If you have Facebook I post dad jokes that you are welcome to share. Just let me know but for now:

Today I learned that if you flip a canoe over you can wear it like a hat. Because it is cap-sized.

Ha, get it? Cap-sized

[Dunross]

My son said he didn't understand cloning. I said "that makes two of us."

[foesgth]

What did the fish say when he hit the cement wall?


Dam

[QuackAttack24]

Q:What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

A:Light blue

Did you hear about the employee at the furniture factory that fell into the re-upholstering machine last week?

Now he's fully recovered.

[gwpercle]

Q: Which day of the week do chickens Hate Most ?

A: Fry - day !

You're in Luck ! Today is two-fer Tuesday !

Q: What happens when you drop a ... hand - gren - egg ?

A: Why it ...egg - splodes !

Get well soon ,
Gary

[scattershot]

Joe Biden/ Kamala Harris

[MrWolf]

Joe Biden/ Kamala Harris

We are supposed to laugh, not cry.

[Winger Ed.]

If a bee is buzzing around you, how do you scare it away?

Look at it, point, and say, "Boo bee"!

[TyGuy]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[Moleman-]

Apple, $2.17 Barbados
Key lime, $3.68 Bahamas
Peach, $1.99 Aruba
chocolate mousse, $1.79 Puerto Rico
Butter rum pecan, $4.58 Caymans

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

[Elmer Fudd]

Do you know the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you'll see later, the other you'll see after a while.

There's a million 'man with no arms or legs' versions:
Hanging on a wall: Art
In a pile of leaves: Russell
On your doorstep: Matt
In the ocean: Bob

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh

[white eagle]

Ya know what they call a fake noodle



An impasta

[Hick]

One contributed by some 7th graders when I was still teaching: What did one snowman say to another snowman? "Do you smell carrots?"

[starbits]

What is the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle!!!

[dagger dog]

What time is it when you go to the dentist ? tooth hurty (2:30)

[fixit]

What's the name of an explorer captured by cannibals? Stew

[Loudenboomer]

Did you hear about the guy who was addicted to the Hokey Pokey?? He turned himself around.

[gwpercle]

Q: Why did the chicken join a band ?
A: Because it already had drumsticks !

Q: Why did the chicken roll in the dust then cross the road twice ?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser !

Q: What do chickens study in school ?
A: Eggonomics !

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
A: Because he heard the referee calling fowls !

Q: Why is it easy for baby chicks to talk ?
A: Because talk is cheep !

Q: What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day ?
A: Hendurance !

Q: What do chickens serve at Birthday Parties ?
A: Coopcakes !

Get Well Soon... if you don't I'll send more bad "Chicken Jokes"!
Gary

[WRideout]

My mom asked me how I liked the turkey soup. I said it has a fowl taste.

Wayne

[TyGuy]

Why do chicken coops always have two doors?

If they had four they’d be chicken sedans.

[woodbutcher]

:lol:Do you know why the old man went fishing?
Why,just for the halibut of course.
Get well soon.
Good luck.Have fun.Be safe.
Leo

[hawkenhunter50]

What do you call 2 guys with no arms and legs hanging above a window? Curt 'n Rod

[Cowhide]

What is the difference in the wedding vows between Humans and Vampires?

Humans we say," Until death do us part"

Vampire's say," Until dust do us part"

[tunnug]

What can you do with a dog and a cat that have no legs?

Have a drag race............

[DocSavage]

Hear about the bugler who retired after 30 years in the service he was all tapped out.

[gwpercle]

Why do chicken coops always have two doors?

If they had four they’d be chicken sedans.

You stole my best Chicken joke ... I love that one !

That's OK I got a million more chicken jokes ...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way and stop ?
A; Because she wanted to ... Lay it on the line !

Q: If a rooster lays on egg on the ridge line of a pitched roof , which way would it roll , right or left ?
A: Neither ...roosters don't lay eggs !

Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of the barn ?
A: An eggroll !

Get well soon!
Gary

[grayscale]

Why is a visit to the veterinarian office so expensive?

When you total in up the Cat-scan and the Lab-work it really adds up!

[45workhorse]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the opossum, and the armadillo, it can be done!

[richhodg66]

A guy walks into a bar and loses a limbo dancing contest...