Don't understand "significant other"

[Dieselhorses]

I know I shouldn't put my personal info out here but generally speaking...

If I loaned my "partner" $ to be paid over time, should I be in a "tizzy" if this partner (2 months later) refinances a loan with a bank to get more $? (The premises was to save interest btw.) Would I be over reacting if I didn't think this was right? Since inception, we always agreed to handle our finances (you pay this-I'll pay that).

[Idz]

If you agreed to separate finances you have no right to gripe unless they don't pay you back as agreed. Technically they were obligated to disclose the personal loan from you to the bank that gave them another loan.

[MrWolf]

The loan in writing or more along the lines of a promise? I loaned enough not to hurt me financially but if not paid back or abused then I won't miss it when I break up with them. I was used in my marriage and wont let that happen again.

[Dieselhorses]

Just gonna let her do her thing (for better or for worse). Was just in awe after stimulus money, then my money then still making another loan. Thanks for advice.

[rancher1913]

I see a lot of red flags in your relationship. cover your hind end financially so you dont go down with your partners ship.

[Winger Ed.]

Beware:
Sometimes 'significant others' begin to think, and evolve like some wives do:

The early stages start with- what's yours is ours, and what's hers is hers.
Then, over time, it becomes- what's hers is hers, and what's yours is hers too.

If that happens, it's easier to un-ring a bell than come back from there.

[Dieselhorses]

I see a lot of red flags in your relationship. cover your hind end financially so you dont go down with your partners ship.

I have a lifeboat "stashed".

[Der Gebirgsjager]

I'm with rancher1913-- you better take some steps to cover your derriere. The formality of marriage isn't always needed to connect people for liability. If your "other" gets in over her head financially and nasty things like repossessions, foreclosures, and bankruptcy begin you may find yourself on the hook to pay half or even all of it off. I'd consult an attorney...….

[Winger Ed.]

I have a lifeboat "stashed".

That's good, however:
From experience---- Having to jump into it once myself greatly decreased my fund for 'gunpowder and Whiskey'.

Something else- depending on the laws of your state-
They might look upon the relationship of your 'significant other' and yourself, call it a 'common law marriage'.
If that's true, you may or may not have to have a court proceeding to get a common law divorce.

[dverna]

I have a cohabitation agreement. Best $1200 I have spent. What is mine will always be mine. Check with an attorney to check your state laws.....also beware of common law marriage laws in your state.

I know a guy who simply pays for sex. It works for him. Not suggesting it is a good way to go, but it aorks fo4 some. Remember, all women are nuts to some degree.

[Dieselhorses]

They did away with "common law" marriage several years ago here. Doesn't matter anyway cuz she does have papers on me. She isn't really a selfish person at all and she has been paying me back every month. She claims "I don't want anything that belongs to you". Maybe I'm too old school. When we first were married I was self employed. I was making money but not the same every week. She made it clear she wanted me to get "a full time job". At the end of the year I did and have been full time with state since. She holds that over my head now and then-claiming if it wasn't for her helping me out in the beginning months I wouldn't be where I am now. I moved in with her 10 years ago. She was paying house note and I was paying most of the other bills to balance things out. Beginning of May 2017 I found out she was 4 or 5 months late with payments. She had to resort to her mom and dad to come to the rescue in tune of $10K to catch up. From then on I took on the note of 1k a month. Her Trailblazer went south in 2014 so I bought another vehicle and paid it off. Not my fault she has the degree and makes just half of what I make and I don't have a degree. Really not complaining as I'm on the verge of finally not having to live paycheck to paycheck. I don't mind helping and I know "love" is not selfish. I WANT her to have a little extra money. She gets paid monthly and I guess that's issue with making money last-takes discipline. Sorry to rant on.

[sigep1764]

Not to be too forward, but it sounds like shes not very good with money. When my girlfriend moved in, we had a frank discussion about money. I pay the rent/now mortgage, she pays the Bill's and buys the food in the house. To even it out, she was to pay off her car, credit cards, and student loans with the difference between what I paid and what little she paid. Within two years she was debt free like me and one year later we bought a house. There was an engagement in there somewhere. We still have separate accounts, but are fully aware of each others financial situation. Be open and honest if you do not think she is doing a good job. She needs to hear it if she ain't. On the flip side, if she does well, tell her she did well.

[Dieselhorses]

It's none of your business.

Yea-ok


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[Dieselhorses]

Not to be too forward, but it sounds like shes not very good with money. When my girlfriend moved in, we had a frank discussion about money. I pay the rent/now mortgage, she pays the Bill's and buys the food in the house. To even it out, she was to pay off her car, credit cards, and student loans with the difference between what I paid and what little she paid. Within two years she was debt free like me and one year later we bought a house. There was an engagement in there somewhere. We still have separate accounts, but are fully aware of each others financial situation. Be open and honest if you do not think she is doing a good job. She needs to hear it if she ain't. On the flip side, if she does well, tell her she did well.

She admits she’s not good with money but refuses to sit down for some pointers. I think she has PTSD from first marriage or something.


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[David2011]

Reminds me of someone I had to turn loose. She was bad at her finances and abusive of mine. One day she told me, “You know, you give me everything I want and I still want more.” She’s someone else’s problem now.

[garandsrus]

Reducing the interest rate is good. Maybe that’s what she is doing with the new loan also, paying off some other higher interest debt. If so, that’s a good thing! If that’s not the case, do you know what she plans to do with the extra money?

What does this mean?: “Doesn't matter anyway cuz she does have papers on me”

[Dieselhorses]

Reducing the interest rate is good. Maybe that’s what she is doing with the new loan also, paying off some other higher interest debt. If so, that’s a good thing! If that’s not the case, do you know what she plans to do with the extra money?

What does this mean?: “Doesn't matter anyway cuz she does have papers on me”

She has papers as in we’re “hitched”. I have no idea where the extra $ is going. She just said she is behind on everything. I always tell her I’m not here to judge but to try to help.


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[Thundarstick]

Every relationship is different, and what works for some, won't for others. My wife and I are completely joined, I pay all the bills from once joint account, she has a different joint account that is "her discretionary money". We can both see what the other spends it on.

You are just feeling a resentment because YOU feel she should have done something differently. The problem is all on you, and only you can make it go away. IOW, if she's keeping to the deal it don't matter what she has done after the deal was struck. Let it go!

Now you two run along and enjoy a great life together!

[Dieselhorses]

Every relationship is different, and what works for some, won't for others. My wife and I are completely joined, I pay all the bills from once joint account, she has a different joint account that is "her discretionary money". We can both see what the other spends it on.

You are just feeling a resentment because YOU feel she should have done something differently. The problem is all on you, and only you can make it go away. IOW, if she's keeping to the deal it don't matter what she has done after the deal was struck. Let it go!

Now you two run along and enjoy a great life together!

Thank you. The pros still outweigh the cons.


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[Thundarstick]

Thank you. The pros still outweigh the cons.


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And that rite there is what it's all about! Love! Always resort to love!

I aught to dig up a two year old personal thread buried on here somewhere! :shock:

[roadie]

If I had to consider a cohabitation agreement, or keeping a "stash" for the possibility of my significant other taking me to the cleaners.....I think I'd just be staying well away from any situation like that.

Besides, cohabitation agreements are only as good as the judge say's they are.....like everything else, it comes down to who has the best lawyer.

To the subject at hand though......it's a bit of a sticky wicket. You're "hitched", papers and all.....she's not good with money and doesn't want you advising her on how to handle it. This does not bode well for a stable future.

This may sound crazy, but I've observed that a lot of women come to resent the help that their "other" provides, even though they know they need it. It seems to trigger some defense mechanism in them and they end up actually blaming their partner.....or, they just don't want to take responsibility for their mistakes.

Since you're asking.....on a cast bullet site of all places, but still, you did ask. I don't think you're overreacting......but I also think you're enabling her to continue in her bad habits. She needs to find her own way, very likely via the hard way.

That "stash" might come in handy.

[BP Dave]

If you think there is an underlying problem (gambling, drugs, shopaholism) that is threatening the viability of your lifestyle as a couple, then you should definitely talk with her about it. Love doesn't mean blindly going down the tube with someone who is in trouble (or blindly letting them go down). That's a tough subject to open, because if you're wrong there could be a vitriolic response, and if you're right there will definitely be a vitriolic response. If you don't trust her for some reason, you probably need to figure out why, because that can be pretty corrosive to a relationship over time. If it's just that she's doing things differently from how you would do them, and she asks for your input, then you should give it. But if she's meeting her obligations, figure out for yourself why it is so important to you.

[Elroy]

I don't know if she has any children from before she met you,but she maybe getting hit up by a relative,and not wanting to tell you. My wife has a sister,and brother in law that are notorious leeches,and me and the woman have had some heated arguments over her being a soft touch.

[MrWolf]

Trust your instincts. Only you can decide what you are willing to accept. Good luck

[Teddy (punchie)]

Okay few questions? You are married? Your a team?

If you have a team of horses and one is stronger you have to set the draft.

If one is making more then the other and can't make it for whatever reason its going to make an issue.

Some people don't like to communicate about things they have had issue with.

Set goals together. If she is stressing over this is it going to make harder for her, thus then you? You have
a issue with something or you wouldn't be asking.

No relationship is all roses. Learn how to live together and grow.

Start looking towards her as negative time to fix or end up in court. Funny how we can get married and say we love a person and few, ten, 20 years listen to lawyers and rape each other. Its not a good idea to marry someone you can't talk to.

Last no one likes a Bitch, you don't have to light a forest fire to stay warm.

Try to go at it with love and pray it works out. Team work!!

Yes I understand we all need our space.

[Dieselhorses]

I want to thank all you guys for your input. Something tells me I’ve over reacted but at the same time polished my guard.


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[gtivan]

Okay personal story. My dad was always very frugal. Right up until he got parkensons disease. There is a link there to how your brain works. Started doing the sweepstakes things. Constantly purchasing crap. Literal garbage. He also continually bailed out mh worthless sister and other people in need. He had a good retirement so mom wasnt concerned.

Turned out he was lying to her for years. In way over his head. Couldnt make minimum payment on credit cards. Couldnt get any more credit. Sold off his coin collection, stamps, expensive rifles.

Finally had to fess up before declaring bankruptcy. Mom had to okay with refinancing the house and cash out some of her inheritance she had received.

Lesson.. Trust but verify.

My wife and i share all finances. No credit card debt is allowed. After house hold is paid, we each get allowances. If something is over that amount, we confer and usually say yes. If we have the cash, no worries. If we dont, we figure out a way to save for it.

I saw the damage seperate finances can do. Will never go down that road.

[Dieselhorses]

Okay personal story. My dad was always very frugal. Right up until he got parkensons disease. There is a link there to how your brain works. Started doing the sweepstakes things. Constantly purchasing crap. Literal garbage. He also continually bailed out mh worthless sister and other people in need. He had a good retirement so mom wasnt concerned.

Turned out he was lying to her for years. In way over his head. Couldnt make minimum payment on credit cards. Couldnt get any more credit. Sold off his coin collection, stamps, expensive rifles.

Finally had to fess up before declaring bankruptcy. Mom had to okay with refinancing the house and cash out some of her inheritance she had received.

Lesson.. Trust but verify.

My wife and i share all finances. No credit card debt is allowed. After house hold is paid, we each get allowances. If something is over that amount, we confer and usually say yes. If we have the cash, no worries. If we dont, we figure out a way to save for it.

I saw the damage seperate finances can do. Will never go down that road.

So you both work? Everything goes into same pot? That would be like fire and gasoline in my house! Wife is set in her ways. For a long time in her first marriage, her husband (lawyer) would give her 250.00 a week flat. Had to buy groceries, diapers, cleaning stuff and anything else needed for household. He paid all else. She had to use part of this for gas for the week and didn't dare ask him for more. So now she works (since 2005), gets paid once a month and I guess it's hard to live within your means at that rate. She just never wants to talk about money for some reason.

[rancher1913]

might get her a dave ramsey book or video.

[gtivan]

So you both work? Everything goes into same pot? That would be like fire and gasoline in my house! Wife is set in her ways. For a long time in her first marriage, her husband (lawyer) would give her 250.00 a week flat. Had to buy groceries, diapers, cleaning stuff and anything else needed for household. He paid all else. She had to use part of this for gas for the week and didn't dare ask him for more. So now she works (since 2005), gets paid once a month and I guess it's hard to live within your means at that rate. She just never wants to talk about money for some reason.

We have gone through different stages of finance. When we first got married we made equal money but barely made ends meet so we had to combine finances. It was a discussion on rather we could afford take home pizza on friday night or go without in order to purchase the kid new shoes. A unknown $400 credit card debt would take months to pay off and potentially ruin christmas or birthdays.

Things started turning around 5 years ago on available cash. But it was 10 years of hard work to get there.

Now she chooses to work part time. I make 8x what she does. My money goes into joint checking. Hers into a seperate checking acct. She still dips into the main on occasion and we are at a stage where our allowance is quite a bit more. Our retirement savings is automatic so I just skim whatever is left at the end of the month into a savings acct. Anywhere between $200 - $800 a month. No one touches the savings acct since it is for vacations, home construction and other high ticket items. We now just automatically talk about big ticket items ($100 or more on 1 item) before purchasing to just let the other person know.

Wife and i are kinda similar. When you have everything you need, why clutter with more crap? We also don't drink or go out too much so our entertainment budget is quite low.

[Dieselhorses]

We have gone through different stages of finance. When we first got married we made equal money but barely made ends meet so we had to combine finances. It was a discussion on rather we could afford take home pizza on friday night or go without in order to purchase the kid new shoes. A unknown $400 credit card debt would take months to pay off and potentially ruin christmas or birthdays.

Things started turning around 5 years ago on available cash. But it was 10 years of hard work to get there.

Now she chooses to work part time. I make 8x what she does. My money goes into joint checking. Hers into a seperate checking acct. She still dips into the main on occasion and we are at a stage where our allowance is quite a bit more. Our retirement savings is automatic so I just skim whatever is left at the end of the month into a savings acct. Anywhere between $200 - $800 a month. No one touches the savings acct since it is for vacations, home construction and other high ticket items. We now just automatically talk about big ticket items ($100 or more on 1 item) before purchasing to just let the other person know.

Wife and i are kinda similar. When you have everything you need, why clutter with more crap? We also don't drink or go out too much so our entertainment budget is quite low.

Sounds like you got a good system down! Alas, the truth finally came out tonight. I won't say what it is but for the first time in 10 years I was finally able to make her feel comfortable enough to be honest. I didn't judge especially considering she was really trying to make things right. Just wanted her to experience being able to be honest with me and not be condemned. I feel like a big burden has been lifted! Still have a ways to go.

[Idaho45guy]

My current girlfriend is wonderful in nearly every way but her finances. Just horrible. Makes awful decisions. We both make roughly the same amount. I have a new vehicle and a house and a year old UTV. She drives a used rental car (another horrible decision), lives with her parents, and has no savings.

She is always broke while I have $9k in checking, currently. My credit score is 750 while hers is 600. If we get married, and it will eventually lead to that, I suspect, then I will have to take some measures to protect myself from her bad decisions. Her biggest Achilles heal is beauty products and maintenance. She's only 42 and looks like she's in her late 20's. Get's pedicures and manicures and waxings and haircuts nearly every week.

I love the results...

261951

But, yeah, a few hundred a month on beauty supplies and maintenance is a bit ridiculous.

[Petrol & Powder]

Dieselhorses- No relationship can survive without trust. If one person makes decisions that harm the other person, and then conceals those decisions - you are headed for failure.

I would almost bet you that she has credit cards (and credit card debt) you don't know about. The bills for those cards will be sent to another address such as, an office, P.O. Box, family member's house, etc. If you want to save the relationship you will need to have an honest discussion with each other. And by the way, it isn't the money that will destroy the relationship, it is the lack of honesty.

[lightman]

I'm glad that you have been able to discuss this with her. If you'all are married, you are a team. And every team member needs to be on the same page. I hope that whatever this was about that you can work through it.

Like a few of the above posters, my Wife and I have a joint account and all of our bills are paid through it. We have separate credit cards, mostly so that my Wife has a credit reference if something were to happen to me. We only consult each other about large purchases. We have been together long enough (45) years that we just "know" the financial situation and don't have to ask about minor stuff.

I could tell a couple of funny stories about our finances. One thats best left for another time was when I bought an airplane. The other was when I ask to borrow her credit card to order a couple of scopes. Her card gave out rewards points and mine didn't so I wanted to use it. I had just sold 2 Leupold MKIV scopes and ordered 2 Nightforce Scopes. She about fainted when that bill showed up! It was funny and I rode it probably longer than I should have before I told her that I had the cash to cover it.

[Dieselhorses]

My current girlfriend is wonderful in nearly every way but her finances. Just horrible. Makes awful decisions. We both make roughly the same amount. I have a new vehicle and a house and a year old UTV. She drives a used rental car (another horrible decision), lives with her parents, and has no savings.

She is always broke while I have $9k in checking, currently. My credit score is 750 while hers is 600. If we get married, and it will eventually lead to that, I suspect, then I will have to take some measures to protect myself from her bad decisions. Her biggest Achilles heal is beauty products and maintenance. She's only 42 and looks like she's in her late 20's. Get's pedicures and manicures and waxings and haircuts nearly every week.

I love the results...

261951

But, yeah, a few hundred a month on beauty supplies and maintenance is a bit ridiculous.

I feel you! She just left a few minutes ago to get a 100.00 haircut (that's if the roots don't get done also!). Nice pic of you and wife! I tell my wife all the time she looks better without makeup and she says "oh please". I'm hoping that slowly but surely she'll follow my lead to turn things around.

[JonB_in_Glencoe]

I know I shouldn't put my personal info out here but generally speaking...

If I loaned my "partner" $ to be paid over time, should I be in a "tizzy" if this partner (2 months later) refinances a loan with a bank to get more $? (The premises was to save interest btw.) Would I be over reacting if I didn't think this was right? Since inception, we always agreed to handle our finances (you pay this-I'll pay that).

Interesting thread.
I would suggest you two get some counselling. Either marriage counselling, or financial counselling....or BOTH.

But hey, us boolit casters can offer you anecdotes for free, LOL...it's surely worth what you paid :shock:

[Dieselhorses]

Interesting thread.
I would suggest you two get some counselling. Either marriage counselling, or financial counselling....or BOTH.

But hey, us boolit casters can offer you anecdotes for free, LOL...it's surely worth what you paid :shock:

BOTH lol

[dverna]

Understanding women.

A man found an oil lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie.

Genie says. "You have one wish"

Guys says, "I am afraid of flying and would like a trans-Atlantic bridge so I can visit Europe"

Genie looks a him and says, "I can do that, but do you realize how many resources that would require that could be used to help mankind to live a better life?"

Guy says, "Yea, you are right...I was being selfish"

Genie says, "What else would you like?"

Guys says, "I would like to understand women"

Genie says, "Do you want a two lane or four lane bridge"


They are all nuts...at least the ones I have had relationships with and the ones I know.

[Winger Ed.]

But, yeah, a few hundred a month on beauty supplies and maintenance is a bit ridiculous.

Several years ago, I learned not to comment on women's make up and cosmetics:
I had girlfriend that when we were watching some Western movie, and some Indians ran by.
I leaned over and said, "Look, they wear almost as much war paint as you do".

She did not see the humor in that..

[jsizemore]

I have a lifeboat "stashed".

In a few different places!

[Dieselhorses]

I am really amazed at all the great advice I’m getting! You guys are amazing! I can’t necessarily quote everyone here but I read every single post and they all give me a new perspective of how to approach things. My “significant other” isn’t really a sneaky person nor would know how actually. I used to be a very cynical person.


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[IHuntDragons]

might get her a dave ramsey book or video.

ding ding ding...we have a winner!