What do you do? Mother and assisted living

[Handloader109]

Well, as a lot of you guys are a bit older, and have gone through this with your parent/s, I wanted to pick your brains.

Mother is 450 miles away. Still lives at home by herself. She's 92. Good mind, body is slowly failing. Still somewhat ambulatory, bad hip and a bad hand, arthritis in most joints pretty badly. But on walker and can creep around the house. House is early '50s model, not laid out the best with narrow doors and too much accumulated stuff. So if she gets into wheelchair, it is going to be difficult moving about.

My younger brother sees after her pretty well. Groceries weekly, visits once or twice a week, and we have two sitters who have been coming for 3-5 hours most days.
Third fall in less than 3 months. First was a bruised hip. Second she bounced between bed and dresser, dinging head, arm and side pretty well. Still showing bruising after 6 weeks.
Third last night, got up in middle of night to go to bathroom, slipped and wedged herself between bed and walker. couldn't move until help arrived in form of sitter this morning at 10 or so. 6-7 hours on floor. Not good, but she didn't break anything nor bruise up this time.

Working to get sitters around the clock, but I don't think this is good solution long term. Maybe for a few weeks or a month at most.

Been trying to get her to go into retirement home for past year. Has long term care insurance that will cover 100% of the cost where she's at. And if there is some extra, her SS will cover rest.
But, and it's the big But. She has NEVER wanted to leave house. Got the insurance policy strictly to insure she could cover cost of IN home care.

So, do I continue to push this move? or just lay off and let her decide once she breaks something. I don't fully trust the sitters. But nursing home might not be any better.

Comments? Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, she's made peace with herself, and has outlived her two husbands and three siblings. Health is not poor enough to think she won't make it another 4 or 5 years or longer if she can remain unbroken by falls.

[EMR]

I think that if you can find 24hr caregivers that are good. And I stress GOOD. This may keep her from falling and happy at home. You’ll really have to do your research and go by reviews and talk to people local and see who they recommend.

If not, an assisted living is the next option. But there she won’t be seen after 100% of the time so there’s a chance she can still fall.

I think the rates are like 90% mortality if broken hip after a fall after the age of 85.

[ShooterAZ]

Personally I think I'd do my best to honor her wishes to not leave the house for as long as possible. There will more than likely be a time though when that may no longer be an option for her. It's a tough decision to have to make when that time comes. Iv'e gone through this a couple of times with family members, and it's never easy.

[country gent]

I can give you some things to ponder over with this decision. I was forced into a nursing home ( rehabilitation) by my family after breaking an ankle for 4-5 weeks.

1 ) She has lived on her own for how long? eating what she wants at the time she's hungry. Fixing meals that are to her taste
In the home She has to eat at their meal time, what they fix and how they fix it

2) She now bathes and other private things in private, At her own pace and indugences
In the home these are all "supervised and no longer a private thing.

3) She has been doing her own routine and schedules currently
In the home its their schedules and routines

4) Now if she wants to sit out side on a nice day she does.
In the home you have to ask permission to go outside.

I can honestly say where I was I never got a good meal that I enjoyed. I did get to be fed a lot of foods I didn't like and or wouldn't eat. I can say the "supervised baths and toilet was a rude awakening to me. AT home when I take medicines I also eat a small snack in the home I never got so much as a cracker. My injection I move from arms to but to legs giving 6 spots so one dosnt get tender or scar. When they started it was always the same arm almost same spot every time.

Moving in to a Home by a lot of elderly is thought off as giving up their freedoms and independence.

Personally after my experience I would rather struggle than be in one again.

The best thing would be to discuss it with her and family members as a option and to hear her feelings on it.

[35isit]

The hardest thing to do is take a loved one to a care facility. My mother has dementia. She can still get around alright. But she needs 24 hour a day care. Do your research. Find the best one in her area. High cost doesn't equal good care. My mother's facility has more than one caregiver on duty at all times. Some places only have one for the entire facility. My wife's parents ran into that.

I consider myself a manly man. I cried a little when I had to leave my mother there the first time. But I knew it took more love to leave her where she would get better care than I could ever give her.

[sharps4590]

We're up against this as I type this. Both my wife's parents are incapable of taking care of themselves. His Alzheimer's is getting worse every day and her step mom fell and took a pretty good beating. She'll never walk again and the re-hab people and doctors say she has to be in 24 hour assisted living and cannot go home. If we let her they will get social services involved and, truth be told, both should have been in assisted living at least 2 years ago. Next week they go into assisted living whether they like it or not and both have to go in what locally is called Memory Care so the options are limited. We're too far away and the wife is an only child so there's no other help. In home care is not an option. Right now her dad does have in home health but he is so hateful, and it isn't the Alzheimer's, he's always been that way, he fires them every night then begs them to come back in the morning because he can't fix a PB&J sandwich. Or, he will call my wife, if he can remember where the phone number is, and ask if she can come over. He can't remember we live an hour and a half away or my name 2/3 of the time or that I have colon cancer and am undergoing chemo....well, I was. My last treatment was yesterday....and we've been married 40 years. You hate to do it but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I will NEVER do to my kids what I see a lot of parents, like my wife's, doing to theirs. The LAST thing I want to be is a burden to anyone. Put me in a nursing home and be done with it and I'll go, not necessarily happy about it but I ain't gonna burden anyone.

[RedlegEd]

Hi.
Brother, I feel your pain, and I'm living it now. You have my prayers and sympathy. As others have said, if possible, try to honor your mom's wishes and let her stay where it's comfortable and familiar, but know it will be with risk. It seems your younger brother has done a great job so far, but it must take a pretty big toll on him and his family as well. I think it would be unfair to burden him any more than he already is. If you haven't already done so, I strongly suggest your family get her a "life alert" type device that she can wear as a necklace or wristband. Both my MIL and my beloved bride who passed in 2017 wore one. If she has another fall, and is still cognizant/aware, she can summon help. There are several good companies that provide the service. PM me if you'd like to know which one we used (and I highly recommend.) As for 24-hour in home care/sitting, it's crazy expensive, and as you pointed out, you aren't always sure about the quality of the people performing the task. You might want to start the search for Assisted Living facilities near her, just so you know what's available and the cost. They definitely aren't all equal, and some are head and shoulders above others in quality. This will come at a price, but it's a "you get what you pay for" kind of thing. Of all the things that suck about getting older, taking care of aging parents is probably one of the worst. I'm more than happy to talk to you off-line about this and my experiences. Just shoot me a PM if you're interested. Best of luck to you and God bless,
Ed

[jmort]

In the same boat. What ShooterAZ said.
Get "nanny cams" installed and a Life Alert or emergency "button" so she can call for help. Make sure the in home care-givers are certain that the situation is being monitored and that you all take it seriously.

[popper]

Third fall in less than 3 months Really hate to say this but it's about time.
1) independent living - like an apartment but 3 a day and on site 24/7 assistance if needed.
2) dependent care - like an apartment but supervised care and 3 a day.
3) rehab care - doesn't mean short term but for strokes and immobility - smaller living area but like #2
4) mental care - like 3 but locked in the building dementia and Alzheimer care.
Almost all have social programs and people to talk to.
Mom is 99, been in all 4 since Dad passed and she moved from the house. She is in #4 now, keeps trying to 'go home' but there is no other 'home' left for her. It gets tougher to get them to move the older they get.
Isn't cheap or fun. Definitely investigate any facility - some good, some really BAD. Most bigger hospitals now have staff that keeps up with what is available with recommendations. You still have to do the homework.
Real problems with at home is falls, burns & cuts, stroke/heart, fire, invasion with no emergency assistance. Other alternative is relative 24/7 live in. Or let whatever happens, happen.
I know it's not easy but G.G. gramma was in a crib (front room of Gpa's) one visit and gone the next. IIRC she was 102 but that is what they did then (about 70 yrs ago). Some of my elderly relatives made it to the ER/hospital, some didn't.
Tuff decision to make - just trying to point out some available choices. Prayers sent.
MIL had a life alert for a while, she wouldn't war the pendant and didn't use it. Finally got her into an apartment for about a year before she passed.

[KenH]

A really BIG question here is which is most important, to extend a person's life a few more years even if they're unhappy? OR - allow them to stay at home knowing they might fall or something that would cause death in a few months or yr and be happy during that time?

A short tale about my Dad - he rabbit hunted up until his stroke at 80. Those years he would crawl on his four wheeler, call his pack of beagles and away he'd head for the woods. Once while a mile or so back in the hills he got his 4-wheeler hung up on a sapling he thought he could ride over. Nope, sapling bent over and hung up and couldn't go. No way Dad could have walked that far back thru the hills to home - he'd froze to death. Well, Dad lay down on ground looking at sapling, started shooting that sapling down close to ground under 4-wheeler until it broke over. That 12 gauge took care of it in 3 or 4 shots. He then rides back home.

Dad was VERY adamant he was going to hunt and ride those hills as long as he could. When he could no longer drag his self out and crawl on 4-wheeler to go hunting, he was ready to go to sleep and not wake up. Yes, he liked hunting, but the main message was he didn't want to be down and not be able to take care of himself.

Just my feelings - wife and I both have talked about this a good bit. No burden for kids.

Ken H>

[kens]

We had a good experience with assisted living. Mom knew she could no longer keep up with her apartment, and knew a couple other ladies in assisted living. She joined them.
It was like a studio apartment, a very small kitchen. She was left to her own, she could come and go as she pleased. There was a ring board where ALL occupants had to flip over the ring every morning. Anyone that failed to flip the ring by 10am, the staff would check up. There was a nightly gathering at 7pm, if anyone was absent, staff would follow up. Staff kept up with medications list.
There was city bus and public transportation right at the facility. There was friendship groups of varied interests of like minds, quilting, crocheting, etc.
Every day of the week there was a city bus going different destination. If I remember right, tuesday was Kroger grocery store, Wednesday was Walmart, thursday was a movie show, or similar, Sunday went around to all the major churches, and so on.
mom was in here for about a year, then she went to the next level. similar as Popper posted above.

[Black Powder Bill]

Move everything out that she doesn't need. Make plenty of walking room.
Move all valuables out. Cause no matter how nice a care giver is, IMO they are all thieves.
Check with Long term insurance on everything they cover for in home care & assisted living.
She needs help in the AM,noon,supper & bed time.
Even with assisted living she can fall. My mother fell 3 times in a week. Two of them in 12 hr's.
Idiots at the home never hooked her up to the alarm.
Who is on your mother's bank account,will, property,insurances ect as financial go to?
Your brother may want to move her in with them?
Sell her house use the cash to make a add on room.

You have a lots if options.

My mother had dimentia and Alzheimer's from a really small stroke.
She had written in her will to move her when she was no longer capable of doing daily stuff. And if she complained read to her what she wrote.
Mom told her geriatric Dr. If I can't wipe my butt, PULL THE PLUG!
She died a horrible death.




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[Driver man]

Your mother sounds like shes mentally fine just getting infirm from age so what she wants is what matters. Spend some money and modify the house to suit her changing needs ie ramps for wheelchair access. hand rails for bath and shower etc etc. If she has insurance to cover in home care then use it. Its about her quality of life that matters not your peace of mind. When she starts to lose her mind then that's the time to consider other options . Just because a person is old it doesn't mean you can do their thinking for them.

[Handloader109]

Thanks guys. Well for now it is in home care. Yep. She's cognizant and just wants to stay home. We will play by ear. Get her an alert. And see how it goes thanks

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[wv109323]

I would keep her in her home as long as possible. I would also examine her daily routines and modify them if needed.
My grandfather had to walk to the local PO daily. No excuses,just the way he did things. Though exercise, he got hit by a car one day. Though not severly injured they had to restrain him in the hospital. He wanted to go home. He had a stroke that night. My father believes it was due to the restraints and not the accident itself.
There will come a time when you need to move her to 24 care. The decision will be tough but you will know you keep her in her home as long as possible.

[GhostHawk]

We pushed my folks first into a rental apartment with elevator, bath designed for walkers and chairs. Then into assisted living.

The long and short of it is Dad's eyesight failed, he got very frail. For the last 3 years mostly he sat in his chair and yelled at mom.

I wonder some nights if we had left them be if we might have lost one of them sooner. Or maybe both, but maybe quality of life would have been better. And somewhere in there, there has to be that chance that maybe dad not spending 3 years yelling at her because he had nothing else to do. Might have meant that we would not have lost mom 3 months after dad.

I don't know, I put it all in the Lords hands, he tells me they are ok. Dad's doing some penance, but mom gets to visit and encourage him. That dad Repented of his sins before he died. And that they are still together.

Now I could be crazy. I don't think so, I don't feel crazy. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone.

But at 92, that is a nice long full life. So if the next fall is the one that puts her into care for months and months and she never fully recovers. Well, at least she has today. And she has it her way. With privacy and dignity. Beyond priceless IMO.

Leave her be, call her as often as you can. If you can't get through, send help.
But TALK to her. Give her something to live for, to look forward to.

Not sure if there are any real words of wisdom in the above. But it is what I have.
Freely shared, and prayers for you and your family too. What will be, will be.

God is in charge, but people have free will.

[JBinMN]

We pushed my folks first into a rental apartment with elevator, bath designed for walkers and chairs. Then into assisted living.

The long and short of it is Dad's eyesight failed, he got very frail. For the last 3 years mostly he sat in his chair and yelled at mom.

I wonder some nights if we had left them be if we might have lost one of them sooner. Or maybe both, but maybe quality of life would have been better. And somewhere in there, there has to be that chance that maybe dad not spending 3 years yelling at her because he had nothing else to do. Might have meant that we would not have lost mom 3 months after dad.

I don't know, I put it all in the Lords hands, he tells me they are ok. Dad's doing some penance, but mom gets to visit and encourage him. That dad Repented of his sins before he died. And that they are still together.

Now I could be crazy. I don't think so, I don't feel crazy. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone.

But at 92, that is a nice long full life. So if the next fall is the one that puts her into care for months and months and she never fully recovers. Well, at least she has today. And she has it her way. With privacy and dignity. Beyond priceless IMO.

Leave her be, call her as often as you can. If you can't get through, send help.
But TALK to her. Give her something to live for, to look forward to.

Not sure if there are any real words of wisdom in the above. But it is what I have.
Freely shared, and prayers for you and your family too. What will be, will be.

God is in charge, but people have free will.

Nice^ Good advice!

[Handloader109]

Yes good thoughts, it's hard. I see her roughly quarterly, saw her the week before Christmas. The thing that I think affects me more, is that in the two to three month time spans, i can SEE the deterioration. My brother seeing her at least biweekly, really doesn't. Yes, one of the issues is her wanting to do things at her pace. Get up when she wants to, be it 8 or 9 or 10am. Has been able to make small breakfast, but no other cooking, and that is some of the issue. Being good cook, and eating poor food is tough. But at least she eats what and when she wants to a degree. Yes, if she does what my great aunt did when she was 96 and not wake up one morn, she would be happy. She, as I guess we all, fear most not being able to take care of herself. And doesn't want to be burden.
We call it life right? Evening guys. And yep, I need to call her more than daily.

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[waksupi]

My mom is the same situation, and is the same age. She lived alone until SHE decided it was time for assisted care. She spent a couple years in that situation. After a couple falls, and two broken hips a year apart, they moved her into the nursing home section. She now calls for an assistant anytime she needs to get up and walk, under order of the staff. She is sharp as a tack, but is ready to go with no regret.

I know that doesn't really help you, it's just what is going on at this end. You may want to look into Visiting Angels, and see if they have any in-home caretakers in your area. The assisted living will cost at least three grand a month, most likely. If a Visiting Angel could do it for similar money, you may want to go that way. Her insurance may even pay part of the cost.

[popper]

It's mostly about their attitude and quality of life. Part is not being their 'normal' situation - but a bigger part is scared of going into a 'home' - there is no going back, to them. Dad knew he had no choice (stroke) so accepted it. Mom fights it all the way. Some of the elec. scooters are much more narrow and you can limit the speed on them. Problem with falls is they often result in a break and recovery is hard, often a stroke can result. Other problem is anesthetic can have crazy effects on elderly, often docs have a real problem with using it. Any major surgery is high risk.
Do what you can and DON'T feel guilty about any decisions you make.

[higgins]

If you have in-home caregivers for her, no matter how good or nice the family thinks they are, get everything of value out of her house; not just banking records but jewelry, guns, anything small and valuable. You won't be seen as harsh or untrusting, it's just the prudent thing to do.

[Handloader109]

Watsupi, I agree 100%, Mom is ready, just like most folks that aren't in terrible pain, she wants to hand on as long as possible.
and Higgins, yeah, we need to get on that. She's still writing checks, keeps just a bit of cash, but does have stuff that is valuable that should be moved. I'll have a discussion with brother.

[Winger Ed.]

Keeping Mom at home as long as possible will be the hardest task you've ever done, but you will never have any regrets for doing it.

When our folks got old, they shuffled along instead of picking their feet up to walk so we picked up all the rugs and any 'trip hazard'.
If someone comes in to help, take out everything you don't want to be stolen.
And remove anything, or any piece of paper that could possibly be used for identity theft.

[William Yanda]

Hi.
Brother, I feel your pain, and I'm living it now. You have my prayers and sympathy. As others have said, if possible, try to honor your mom's wishes and let her stay where it's comfortable and familiar, but know it will be with risk. It seems your younger brother has done a great job so far, but it must take a pretty big toll on him and his family as well. I think it would be unfair to burden him any more than he already is. If you haven't already done so, I strongly suggest your family get her a "life alert" type device that she can wear as a necklace or wristband. Both my MIL and my beloved bride who passed in 2017 wore one. If she has another fall, and is still cognizant/aware, she can summon help. There are several good companies that provide the service. PM me if you'd like to know which one we used (and I highly recommend.) As for 24-hour in home care/sitting, it's crazy expensive, and as you pointed out, you aren't always sure about the quality of the people performing the task. You might want to start the search for Assisted Living facilities near her, just so you know what's available and the cost. They definitely aren't all equal, and some are head and shoulders above others in quality. This will come at a price, but it's a "you get what you pay for" kind of thing. Of all the things that suck about getting older, taking care of aging parents is probably one of the worst. I'm more than happy to talk to you off-line about this and my experiences. Just shoot me a PM if you're interested. Best of luck to you and God bless,
Ed

Lifealert (Personal Emergency Response Systems) are available that detect falls and initiate the call automatically. The call can be interrupted if appropriate. Ed's recommendation occurred to me, as I work part time installing such systems and they are intended to allow someone to remain at home as long as possible.

[Elkins45]

My dad lost a leg in Korea so when he started getting arthritis it hit him harder than most folks his age. He took the decision out of my hands by admitting himself to the Kentucky Veterans Home when he decided he was no longer able to care for himself. I wanted him to get in-home care but in the end he was always going to do what he had decided. He had seen a newspaper article about the facility when it opened, and his sister later told me that he had decided that was where he wanted to be if he couldn’t be at home.

He was there for almost two years before he died, and other than trips to the VA hospital and a couple of short car rides with me he never left the place. I tried to get him to come home for Christmas Day and he wouldn’t. He told me that if he went home he was afraid he wouldn’t want to leave again. It breaks my heart to think about that even now.

My wife commented after he died what a good father he had been because he took on the decision for his own care and didn’t leave it for us to have to figure out. I hadn’t thought of it that way but she was right: he did his very best to be a good father right to the end.

Since your mom has long-term care insurance that will cover in-home care then you have a lot of choices. It’s never a great situation to be in, but at least you have the means to afford the best options.

[Greg S]

The biggest thing is protecting them from themselves. An aunt who we shared in daily visits ect since a light stroke fell and broke here hip. At the hospital, the doc said pretty much begining of the end since she'll have 30 days rehab ect. The bottom line was now, she has lost mobility and she won't regain that. She actually recovered quite well but had difficulties with pain ect. Got real sick about a year out and they determined that she had picked up a mersa infection during her last visit. To treat it was the same hip replacement again and removal of infected tissue. We moved her straight from rehab into an assisted living community cottage. She slowly regained but not as the first and continued to have problems to the point she gave up and quit eating.

[David2011]

God bless those of you that have had to deal with this and for the agony it has caused you. In their mid 80s my parents are still living at home and self sufficient other than the home repairs that I take care of for them. Little stuff like hanging the rain gauge, replacing a light switch, assemble a new patio bench, etc. The home is in like new condition so it doesn't need much. Dad is starting to let Mom drive more. Arthritis and age related nerve damage have left him with marginal use of his hands. I fear the day that one or both can no longer live alone. Other than arthritis neither has any health issues that require prescription meds at this point. It helps a little so see what others of like mind have done.

[Cast_outlaw]

Good for you letting he stay in the home she loves. As for the falls there is a fall detector in the form of a necklace pendent, it also has an button on it, if it detects a fall it automatically and calls help. my mom knows a guy who has one at a assisted living facility, he dropped it and they were through his door befor he could pick it up. it also has a button she can push if it’s a slower fall, might be a good idea to get one if she continues to live at home. events like the three falls will be detected and emergency personnel will respond. best of luck

[Handloader109]

Posts confirm our decision. She has so far not been walking since last fall. Left her too weak. Getting better but instead of just a day or so, it might be 2 weeks the way it looks.

But she's still fighting. Btw, brother fired her worst woman, yep. Forging her time record, kind of surprised it got past mom. (Her mind is still sharp, she had a pile of money at Christmas divided up and I just checked it for her.) Oh, she doesn't keep more than $20 in small Bills at home.

So yes, there are bad apples. No matter who you think might be decent. One last handgun out of house. Jewelry will be gone. She has hid well, but that doesn't matter.

Alert bracelet should be there today. But 24 7 care is being done.
Thanks for kind words and suggestions

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[georgerkahn]

In very much the same "boat" as you are now in, the "smart" move at the time was to hire a "Nanny for Granny" person who would come in daily, Monday thru Fridays, and help mom; do light housework; prepare meals; and, provide both company and ability to ring for assistance if -- God forbid -- it was required.
Bion, although incredibly (imho) expensive -- she got $15.50/hr., plus added "under the table" $150.00 for one and one-half days each and every week-end, in terms of care -- it was worth it. The most sad note, though, after mom's passing, was our seeing she wrote cheques to herself, her sisters, and her friends for "care" -- she'd write, say, "$150.00" in the check-book register -- but -- we'd find in bank statement the cheque was really written for $280.00... and, so on. My dad had kept an emergency fund envelope which, a week before mom's passing had ~$2,300.00 in it -- when we got to house with NCA long gone, there was but ONE ten dollar bill in the folder. (We were "lucky", so the local police told me, as total larceny was in $10K range -- a fraction of what REGULARLY they are advised of. And, they ever so strongly advised AGAINST pressing any charges, etc, -- suggesting at the least the NCA or her family might torch the house or ???, as unless one of her checque-receiving friends rats her out, or, (to quote the Sergeant), "she finds Jesus" -- the ONLY thing to do is just chalk it up as "people".
Whatever you elect to do -- again, the LEO advised our $10K loss was a pittance compared to others, on the average of once a week, which they are informed of, be careful! That I reside 430 miles from mom's -- again similar to your paradigm -- surely didn't help, exacerbated by pretty much all of her local friends had predeceased her. You have quite the challenge, and again, best wishes!
geo

[Mr_Sheesh]

In addition to not tempting even the honest caregivers with valuables, it's a rather GOOD idea to not leave some medications where they could "accidentally" scuttle off into someone's pocket. Darn pills have been known to do that if not kept locked up. GF I had, we had an organizer (MediPlanner II I think) and I'd fill it weekly so she could keep that under control, kept the serious meds (narcotics) locked up so they didn't vanish. Reduced the occasional inventory issues.

[lightman]

This is a tough situation to be in and the correct thing to do is not always the same for everyone. My Mother is the last of both sets of our parents. I hate to say it but I can tell that She is going to be a problem if She ever gets so that She can't care for herself. My MIL recently passed away, at 93, but She told everyone that She didn't want to be a burden to anyone and to put Her in a nursing home when the time came. It never came to that but that was just the was She was.

Your Brother is to be commended for what He is doing. Thats not easy, what with a job, family ect.

I wish you Luck in these decisions.

Personally, this is the kind of stuff that made me less afraid of being electrocuted or having a bad accident! Just saying..........

[Handloader109]

Update, MD had been called last week, finally got the home health nurse to come in yesterday. Exam by her showed issue with O2 levels and felt she needed to be seen. So emergency room yesterday at noon. Fluid in both lungs, pneumonia in one. Antibiotics given. Possibility of heart issue, she has had murmor for decades, but this may be worse. Scan and more xrays today, we'll see. Hospitals are all backed up, one wouldn't admit, where she's at has her in staging room. We'll see, I'll probably head down Saturday. She's strong, but pneumonia can take you quick.

[castalott]

She needs You, your time, and your Love more than ever... You will never regret what you do for her and will only wish you had done more. My mom was in the home 2 years and 11 months... I missed 11 days and 7 were when I was in the hospital.

Be prepared to have your poor Heart torn out of your body.... When your mom cries she wants to go home or you find her sitting in her wheelchair looking out the window and crying... It has been 5 years and those memories still sting.....

[Bazoo]

Do for her what you would want for yourself when you're old and feeble.

[Detroitdanm]

My mom is 89, had been on her own in a retirement apartment until last summer dealing with increasing frailties (severe arthritis, knees bone on bone, nueropothy in her hands and very limited mobility with her arms and the after effects of a-fib). When she had a fall and ended up in rehab she was at first going to go back, but she had essentially become apartment bound hardly doing anything. She was really against assisted living though that was what she needed, until I convinced her to at least go look at a facility run by the same folks that ran her rehab facility and she saw how nice it was. She’s been there about 6mos and it’s been a real blessing. She has a far more active social life, is out of her apartment 3x a day for meals and companionship. They do her laundry, pass her meds, help her with her showers and she has a very nice efficiency where she can be by herself if she wants. The only real downside is she dislikes the cable system for TV and we need to figure a better layout for her to see TV better from her bed. It’s made her life far fuller and has been a good move.

[Mr_Sheesh]

Detroitdanm - I use a laptop to view TV through my cable system (it's a streaming service from Comcast, viewed through a web browser), you can do that through NetFlix (web browser viewing again) if everything she wants to see is on there; There are other options like mounting a LCD TV on a rolling cart, or a wall mount with a hinged arm, or even on the ceiling. Lots of possibilities, just have to see what works best for her.

[Handloader109]

Minor update, She spent 10 days in hospital trying to recover from pneumonia. Got well enough they sent her home. Spend about 5-6 days at home, and went back in, this time to the hospital we wanted her in to begin with.
Weak as a kitten, can't stand, but appears to be getting a bit better. Probably home in middle next week unless she takes a bad turn.
For you guys that can get your family member into a living facility that is decent, do it. I won't complain about the insurance for her assisted living any more than say they do hate to pay out any money.