opos
05-17-2017, 07:37 AM
Well I felt at 80 I'd seen and heard about all and lived most of the things that really upset me but this past week has changed my feelings and let me know I'm still "being tested" in life.
This may seem terribly small in the face of the life threatening difficulties many are facing (in a way including my Wife)
Background. Many long years as a sober member of AA (36 years)..the past has been dealt with and family, close friends, etc accept and love the old guy. Life is generally good. I have a strong faith though not one of the "major" faith's that has seen me well since my life changed....with his help...in 1981.
I am like many men I've spoken with as well as my Dad when he was alive...in that I don't have a large group of "very close friends"....I have friends from AA, from the neighborhood, from old business days and so on but I'm talking about the true and loyal frined that can be trusted in about any situation and is always available to provide whatever comfort and strength a man might need. I have had several of those kinds of frineds in my life over the years...some have died due to age or disease....some have moved away and over the years the contact might be a couple of calls a year, and most recently I have had 3 men in my life that I felt were in this catagory and in conversations over he years was made to feel they had similar outlooks.
One of the me recently passed away and I have been dealing with that and while I miss him a great deal...his suffering has ended and his life had touched many men's lives in a very positive way so that is about any of us can ask.
Now to man #2. He lives near by and is about 10 years my junior..he, like me is a good solid member of AA and does what he is able with some physical limitations to be helpful to others. Got a nice family, a member in good standing in a major church and has what I would call a good faith. We often have talked about things that close friends can feel comfortable talking about..perhaps things that are not for "public consumption" but also not cynical or mean spirited things...example:
My Wife has a rental house that was left to her when her Mom died...it's hers..it's in her name...she manages it with only limited help and then only when she asks for some help..her renters are a nice younger family that are a bit on the "just getting by" life style but they do pay their rent on time and keep the place up very well...she is well satisfied as are they...because she really does no need to squeeze every last cent out of th house her rental to them is about $200 a month below the market but in return the man does nice things around the place without being asked that more than make up for any few hundred dollars.
Turns out the renter is a member of AA and my friend (#2) is his sponsor (close advisor) and he has always been very concerned that his sponsee and family are good and solid with my wife's rental program...she has nicely asked my friend to just let her and her renter handle their affairs and to please confine his discussions to friend ship, AA, and dune riding in the East County. All has been fine for the last 3 years or so. The renter had a serious accident about 3 months ago and has been laid up but his disability and his wife doubling up on her job kept them current on their rent.
We are facing California changes to rental tax laws that can be fairly involved and major....I happened to discuss them in a very general way with my frined (who also has a couple of rentals..in another state) and asked what that state appears to be getting ready to do, etc...he began to push wanting to know if my Wife planned to "raise Rons rent"...I told him I had no idea and even if I did I'd certainly not discuss my Wife's business with her renter...and suggested that he not discuss or talk about this at all with his sponsee. But of course he couldn' wait to stir the pot.
He went to the renter..who is really down after struggling to make ends meet after he wreck and said "I think MXXX (my wife) is going to hit you with a rent increase. The renter fell apart..he and his wife and little girl called us and came to our home and were in tears..they told her what they had been told...my Wife blew sky high...assured them they were fine and no renal increase was even being though of. They quieted down...then my Wife laid into me (nicely but firmly) and said she did not want my friend and I in any conversations that could be construed as about here house or business. I went to my friends house and he was agressive and stand offish about having done anyting...might have been dishonest.
I told him that what I look for in a close friend is loyalty and trustworthiness and that I felt he had violated that and owed my Wife an apology and also she needed assurance that her rental and her business was off limits to him..he backed away and basicaly said he was "responsibile" for Ron (renter) which of course he is not unless he has become a martyr.
I cannot go forward being a close friend withsomeone that breaks a trust or confidence...then lies about it..and then just blows it off.
So now I'm down to frined #3
He is a man my age and has been my AA sponsor for over 30 years...we have grown up in sobriety together...seen a great deal of good and bad...been helpful and hurtful from time to time and dealth with the issues of a close friendship between 2 men that have some ego problems...be that all as it may we have been very close for a very long time.
He recently got a new phone set up...it is some sort of internet phone and frankly is a piece of junk for the folks trying to hear and understand what is being said....I can understand those kinds of things if money is tight but this man is a multi millionaire that just hates anythng connected with utility companies or the Government.
I'm a bit hard of hearing and said why didn't we talk when he was off the freeway where there was less bakground noise...he hung up and we talked about a hour later...my reason for calling was to try and discuss the loss of friend #2 and to try and defuse some resentments I was holding....insead of listening and offering some "advice" he said "you have no idea how to have a friend"...he said "I've had to make exceptions for you all along just to be your frined"...I asked what he meant and he dug up a situation from over 10 years ago when he had taken his big boat and gone to Puerto Vallarta mexico for the summer...he asked me to look after his home which I was glad to do..big million dollar home. There were some issues with his neighbors and I called him frequently until we could get a lawyer involved and get it straightened out....seemed like it was all over and forgotton back a decade ago...yesterday he asked if I recalled that time...I did..he said "I showed true friendship by taking your calls when I did not have Mexican phone service and my bill ended up almost $1200 for the month...I didn't say anything and paid the bill to keep our friendship" So he became a Martyr,10 years ago and put a price on our f riendship of a $1200 bill when a simple comment would have ended any phone calls I was making...but no..he's been carrying this "projectile" for all these years waiting for a "teaching opportunity"...he has often "lectured about things" or become a " teacher" when involved in a discussion...when a lesson was not the point...just conversation. When I confroned him about what he had said and how he had quantified our 30 year friendship into a $1200 dollar amount and how that sounded..he basically said "move on and don't bother me"...out of the blue.....then about an hour later he called to complain about the local Jeep dealership and how they were screwing him on one of his cars...I was still mad and just told him I didn' care and would talk to him down the road and hung up...he called back and was really rude and I simply hung up.
So that's my dilema..3 friends...close trusted friends...in the past few years...one died...one broke his trust and loyalty and "threatened" to continue and the 3rd sprung some way back thing that he's been carrying and resenting for a decade...so this morning I'm doing this rather than meeting one of the guys at a meeting or for coffee...
I'm hurt...I'm confused and I'm mad...been talking to God and looking for acceptance...I do accept things just as they are but that does not mean I have to approve....
Talk to me about friendships...not acquaintences but true friendships that may have gone south over the years..
Thanks
This may seem terribly small in the face of the life threatening difficulties many are facing (in a way including my Wife)
Background. Many long years as a sober member of AA (36 years)..the past has been dealt with and family, close friends, etc accept and love the old guy. Life is generally good. I have a strong faith though not one of the "major" faith's that has seen me well since my life changed....with his help...in 1981.
I am like many men I've spoken with as well as my Dad when he was alive...in that I don't have a large group of "very close friends"....I have friends from AA, from the neighborhood, from old business days and so on but I'm talking about the true and loyal frined that can be trusted in about any situation and is always available to provide whatever comfort and strength a man might need. I have had several of those kinds of frineds in my life over the years...some have died due to age or disease....some have moved away and over the years the contact might be a couple of calls a year, and most recently I have had 3 men in my life that I felt were in this catagory and in conversations over he years was made to feel they had similar outlooks.
One of the me recently passed away and I have been dealing with that and while I miss him a great deal...his suffering has ended and his life had touched many men's lives in a very positive way so that is about any of us can ask.
Now to man #2. He lives near by and is about 10 years my junior..he, like me is a good solid member of AA and does what he is able with some physical limitations to be helpful to others. Got a nice family, a member in good standing in a major church and has what I would call a good faith. We often have talked about things that close friends can feel comfortable talking about..perhaps things that are not for "public consumption" but also not cynical or mean spirited things...example:
My Wife has a rental house that was left to her when her Mom died...it's hers..it's in her name...she manages it with only limited help and then only when she asks for some help..her renters are a nice younger family that are a bit on the "just getting by" life style but they do pay their rent on time and keep the place up very well...she is well satisfied as are they...because she really does no need to squeeze every last cent out of th house her rental to them is about $200 a month below the market but in return the man does nice things around the place without being asked that more than make up for any few hundred dollars.
Turns out the renter is a member of AA and my friend (#2) is his sponsor (close advisor) and he has always been very concerned that his sponsee and family are good and solid with my wife's rental program...she has nicely asked my friend to just let her and her renter handle their affairs and to please confine his discussions to friend ship, AA, and dune riding in the East County. All has been fine for the last 3 years or so. The renter had a serious accident about 3 months ago and has been laid up but his disability and his wife doubling up on her job kept them current on their rent.
We are facing California changes to rental tax laws that can be fairly involved and major....I happened to discuss them in a very general way with my frined (who also has a couple of rentals..in another state) and asked what that state appears to be getting ready to do, etc...he began to push wanting to know if my Wife planned to "raise Rons rent"...I told him I had no idea and even if I did I'd certainly not discuss my Wife's business with her renter...and suggested that he not discuss or talk about this at all with his sponsee. But of course he couldn' wait to stir the pot.
He went to the renter..who is really down after struggling to make ends meet after he wreck and said "I think MXXX (my wife) is going to hit you with a rent increase. The renter fell apart..he and his wife and little girl called us and came to our home and were in tears..they told her what they had been told...my Wife blew sky high...assured them they were fine and no renal increase was even being though of. They quieted down...then my Wife laid into me (nicely but firmly) and said she did not want my friend and I in any conversations that could be construed as about here house or business. I went to my friends house and he was agressive and stand offish about having done anyting...might have been dishonest.
I told him that what I look for in a close friend is loyalty and trustworthiness and that I felt he had violated that and owed my Wife an apology and also she needed assurance that her rental and her business was off limits to him..he backed away and basicaly said he was "responsibile" for Ron (renter) which of course he is not unless he has become a martyr.
I cannot go forward being a close friend withsomeone that breaks a trust or confidence...then lies about it..and then just blows it off.
So now I'm down to frined #3
He is a man my age and has been my AA sponsor for over 30 years...we have grown up in sobriety together...seen a great deal of good and bad...been helpful and hurtful from time to time and dealth with the issues of a close friendship between 2 men that have some ego problems...be that all as it may we have been very close for a very long time.
He recently got a new phone set up...it is some sort of internet phone and frankly is a piece of junk for the folks trying to hear and understand what is being said....I can understand those kinds of things if money is tight but this man is a multi millionaire that just hates anythng connected with utility companies or the Government.
I'm a bit hard of hearing and said why didn't we talk when he was off the freeway where there was less bakground noise...he hung up and we talked about a hour later...my reason for calling was to try and discuss the loss of friend #2 and to try and defuse some resentments I was holding....insead of listening and offering some "advice" he said "you have no idea how to have a friend"...he said "I've had to make exceptions for you all along just to be your frined"...I asked what he meant and he dug up a situation from over 10 years ago when he had taken his big boat and gone to Puerto Vallarta mexico for the summer...he asked me to look after his home which I was glad to do..big million dollar home. There were some issues with his neighbors and I called him frequently until we could get a lawyer involved and get it straightened out....seemed like it was all over and forgotton back a decade ago...yesterday he asked if I recalled that time...I did..he said "I showed true friendship by taking your calls when I did not have Mexican phone service and my bill ended up almost $1200 for the month...I didn't say anything and paid the bill to keep our friendship" So he became a Martyr,10 years ago and put a price on our f riendship of a $1200 bill when a simple comment would have ended any phone calls I was making...but no..he's been carrying this "projectile" for all these years waiting for a "teaching opportunity"...he has often "lectured about things" or become a " teacher" when involved in a discussion...when a lesson was not the point...just conversation. When I confroned him about what he had said and how he had quantified our 30 year friendship into a $1200 dollar amount and how that sounded..he basically said "move on and don't bother me"...out of the blue.....then about an hour later he called to complain about the local Jeep dealership and how they were screwing him on one of his cars...I was still mad and just told him I didn' care and would talk to him down the road and hung up...he called back and was really rude and I simply hung up.
So that's my dilema..3 friends...close trusted friends...in the past few years...one died...one broke his trust and loyalty and "threatened" to continue and the 3rd sprung some way back thing that he's been carrying and resenting for a decade...so this morning I'm doing this rather than meeting one of the guys at a meeting or for coffee...
I'm hurt...I'm confused and I'm mad...been talking to God and looking for acceptance...I do accept things just as they are but that does not mean I have to approve....
Talk to me about friendships...not acquaintences but true friendships that may have gone south over the years..
Thanks