I need help and advice

[krag35]

Gentelmen;
This is not for me, but for my wife's sister. She has a daughter that is 15 years old, and has decided she knows best how to live her life. she has moved out (run away, but not to far) and don't want to live with her folks anymore. When her parents try to disipline her, she calls Childrens services. they are fed up and don't know what to do. Any advice??? this is a case of to little to late, but it's upset the misses, and that upsets me.
krag35

[waksupi]

Krag, that's a tough one to deal with. Job Corps, maybe? That's helped a lot of young people.

[9.3X62AL]

Krag--

In order to protect themselves from the Children's Services Compassion Fascist faction (a minority in that venue, but a LOUD one), they need to report her as a runaway/delinquent juvenile EVERY time she falls outside their dominion and control. This will illustrate to the CS people that they are doing everything legally possible to exert control over her actions, and will protect them civilly to some extent if she causes injury or damage while outside their dominion and control.

In terms of 'what to do to help'.........I wasn't much better at it after 27 years of cop work than I was when I started. There are very few legal mechanisms available to parents or cops when kids figure out that not many roadblocks really exist to stop their delinquent ways. Until they break a criminal law, about all we can do is detain them and return them home after a runaway report is on file. Now, if she's running away to be with some boyfriend.......regardless of his age, an allegation of unlawful intimate contact can be made against both parties. THAT, if managed deftly, can work wonders for the short term--but could have ramifications for their adult life if they ever want to seek a security clearance or deep background investigation.

Tough row to hoe, for sure.

[RugerFan]

Krag, That is definitely a tough row to hoe. Hopefully the child will realize just how good she had it at home (warm bed, regular meals, built-in laundry service etc). As a father of two (ages seventeen and eighteen) I sympathize. Unfortunately there is no magic pill here, but I'll offer my 2 cents. Try to get the girl involved with a local church youth group. They usually do a lot of clean, wholesome, fun activities. The adults involved offer good role models and the other kids generate positive peer pressure. I'm sure the young lady could also use some quality counseling. Certainly this is a difficult time for her parents, but I'm guessing she will grow out of this wild spell in due time (I only say that because I've seen it more than once).

An underlying issue with problem teens is a lack of a good hobby. Without which they have too much time on their restless hands and they find ways to invent drama (and trouble) to break the boredom. If you can occupy their time, energy, and money with a healthy time consuming hobby (shooting, fishing, horse back riding, mountain biking etc) you will have good success keeping them on the straight and narrow. I have seen this hold true with countless kids.

Good luck. We'll be praying.

[ammohead]

K35,

Don't know what kind of personal schedule your sister in law has, but she needs to insist on occupying every minute of the childs time. This means going with her to be with her friends. Even the ones you don't like. Her friends just may decide that you are ok, then what? Nothing is stronger than the bonds of family. Looking for quick fixes that can be applied when you have time will not work.

How do you raise the best dog? Take it with you everywhere you go.

Same with kids. Let them know that they are the most important work of your life, and that it is your responsibility to see to it that they become successful, functioning members of our society, and that you are not willing to settle for anything less. Most teenager's friends, once they witness this behavior will exclaim, "I wish my parents cared this much".

It helps if you have been living this ethic from the beginning.

ammohead

[MT Gianni]

Our son Matt, left to run the river with some friends a few months after his 16th birthday and never came back. [for 8 months] He had been reported as a runaway every time previous when he was gone for a weekend without letting us know and then overnite trips got the same. He wore out his welcome with friends got to where he would call and talk to me regularly but not his mom and generally hit rock bottom failing and then dropping out of school. I had promised him my truck when he graduated and bought him an old junker his friend sold him if he moved back and followed certain rules. Drugs wee not involved but alcohol, minor in possesion, tobacco tickets, were all a factor in his missing school and work. He looked at emancipation and we looked at reducing legal liabilities if he got into a fight and hurt someone. {He's 6'4" about 175} When he was near bottom we got him to go to Montana Youth Challenge a program run by the National Guard known by the kids in the area as "Boot camp". You graduate with the opportunity to get a degree in some states or a ged in the 6 month program. It is all in location that has 2 family visits and 1 friend visit in the 6 months. Letters and 1 phone call a week unless you mess up and loose privledges. It did wonders for Matt. He has been on his own since graduation, has a great relationship with both of us and pays his bills. Yes he continues to do some dumb things but he is still only 18. [I gave him the truck, a 90 Chev 4x4, and he hit a deer at 85 mph a few months later, totalling it] This program is in 38 states and growing. Schools don't always reach everyone and a firm stance is needed by both parents to raise a teen, but they can be strong willed to say the least. i would look for Youth ChalleNGe in your state. this programs cost in Mt is fully funded by the state and donations with no cost to participants. The cost of maintaining a prisioner in Deer Lodge is $79,000 a year and 68% of all High School dropouts willl do time is their reasoning. Good luck and send me a PM if you need more info about a contact. Gianni.

[crazy mark]

Here in the valley a parent took out an ad warning the people who took in her run away daughter that they were facing prosecution for harboring a run away and contributing to the deliquincy of a minor. With-in a week the newspapers and local newscasts picked up on this and the daughter was home. The CSD in Oregon sucks and they only understand lawsuit. Of course the liberal school teachers don't help. Mark

[waksupi]

Gianni, that was kind of what I was thinking. The Job Corps up at Nine Pipes is the one that came to my mind. I've met some kids that went in bad, came out very good. Not a harsh camp, just one where they had to work to eat, and far enough from a city, there was no where to run, really.

[NVcurmudgeon]

Gianni, Is Matt the boy you brought to the NCBS a few years ago? It is no surprise that he is doing so well now. It wasn't hard to tell that he came from good stock.

[Buckshot]

...........My wife Donna is a Riverside County Deputy Probation officer and for the last 6 years has had a juvenile caseload. Part of the time was juvenile sex offenders and you would NOT believe some of that stuff. But for the past year or so she's carried regular juvie stuff.

Kid's main problems are:

1) Single parent homes. Lack of supervision.
2) Intact families but lack of supervision.
3) Peer pressure.
4) Too much free time.
5) Too much money.

Fully 90% of her caseload are kids from single parent families, and many of these parents are on probation or have records themselves.

Peer pressure without balancing familial functions (family activities) makes it easy for teenagers to fall into a 'group' as the family is basicly seen as furniture. Ie: Nothing ever happens there. It's more fun to be elsewhere then at home.

Kids will 'act out' and these are signs that the parent's authority is being challanged/tested. Many parents react without a clue at the juvenile level themselves.

Kids like your 15 year old neice have decided they know better. But they don't know squat. They have absolutely zero life experience outside the home other then hanging out with other kids who have zero life experience. Everything to this point has been effortless. If you're hungry you go to the refridgerator and get something to eat. You open your dresser drawer and put on cloths you had no part in earning the money to buy.

You flick on a light switch and use electricity which costs you nothing, and the same for running a bathtub full of water. You get no bills. Bills and the cost of life, schedualing and maintianing a budget is totally foreign. You have no car to maintian, house or rent payments to worry about. Life to this point has been a breeze.

I should let Donna answer this, but I won't see her again until Saturday. Schedualing, HA!

...............Buckshot

[sundog]

I'll second checking into the National Guard's program. It has been very quietly plugging along here in Oklahoma for a number of years and is doing very good things. No bandstanding, no flashy headlines. Just steering kids gone astray into good life patterns. The people who work with these kids are pretty special themselves. sundog

http://www.ngycp.org/state/or/

[MT Gianni]

Bill and Buckshot, Yes Matt came to the cast bullet shoot a few years ago. His interest vary but he is still a shooter and hunter as well as building custom skateboards, longboards, chainmail,auto engines and body work. He is taking a year off and now wants to go to school to be an archetech? sp?. MSU has a good program and I think any education is better than no education. I wondered about the program as I have said many times that the only lottery I ever won was a draft # of 360. My brother was Air force reserve and my dad a Marine ww2 but there is no pressure on these kids to join. Gianni.

[krag35]

I should have gotten back to thank you folks for your kind words, advice, and experiences. I don't have much to do with these folks, they live a good ways away, and our interests are lots different, so I kind of forgot about their problem. The wife talked to her sister, and the girl has moved home, don't know for how long or how well it will go. Can only hope for the best. I passed along your advice to them, what they do is up to them.

krag35

[fiberoptik]

Mine was like that from 15-17. She ran off a few times, and I had the cops bring her back. The gestapo was on my case for smackin her in the tush, till I let them come over & see how she acted, to which they said, "just don't leave any marks..." She went off to college & married at 18. She's done a full 180 now, praise God. All ya can do is all ya can do. Show love.