Favorite sayings

[Jim]

I'd like to hear your favorite saying. Here's a few I like.

John Wayne- "You get crossways o' me an' you'll think a thousand o' brick had fell on ya'!"

My Senior Army Instructor- "There are very few problems that cannot be solved with a proper application of high explosives."

My Grandfather- "If you can't have fun when you go out, stay home. Nobody wants to be around a man that looks like he's been eatin' green persimmons."

Mark Twain- "When diplomacy fails, use a revolver."

And, of course, my signature comes from Arnold.

[Andy_P]

Who knows and why does it matter - "It appears we are in violent agreement"

[Junior1942]

Henry David Thoreau: I'd rather be alone on a pumpkin than crowded on a velvet cushion.

Oscar Wilde's last words: This wallpaper is killing me; one of us has to go.

[castalott]

Orlando's response to a person he was trying to get rid of...
"I do desire that we may be better strangers."

From the Shakespeare play 'As you Like It'

[Powderpacker]

My boss/instructor when I was an apprentice ; " It's not that a good (insert any occupation) doesn't make mistakes , it's how quickly and how well he covers them up that's important "

[sundog]

When you see a turtle atop a fence post, you know he had help getting there.

[medic44]

If it doesn't fit get a bigger hammer:mrgreen:

[Andy_P]

"If you want a disagreement, you are going to have to change the topic".

"When you are a hammer, everything looks like a nail"

[felix]

For financial matters:

a. What goes around, comes around.

b. Damned if you do, damed if you don't.


For everything else"

A. Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof,
but only say the Word and my soul will be healed.

B. Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.


felix

[Bigscot]

Some I like and use...

A blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and then.

Usless as a t-ts on a boar.

You can't swing a dead cat and not hit a (what ever there is alot of in the situation)

One of my Grandmothers favorites, "So many free schools, so many dumb people".

Bigscot

[Bullshop]

Abe Lincoln (I think) maybe Mark Twain,
Better to be silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain,( prolly not a exact quote but ya get the drift)
When I was 16 I thought my father the most ignorant man alive. By the time I turned 21 I realised he had learned alot in 5 years.
BIC/BS

[45nut]

bohica, bend over, here it comes again. {applicable in every instance of any .gov }

[Scrounger]

General Eisenhower: All generalities are false, including this one.

[bdoyle]

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
You waste your time and it annoys the pig.

[wiljen]

These I learned from my father and now hear escaping my own lips.

"If a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped"

"Other than that Mr. Lincoln, what did you think of the play?"

"Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer"

and of course the one all fathers use:

"I said we, meaning you"

[BD]

Sundog, I always heard that one a little differently, and in my family it's attributed to the texas panhandle where there's still a county bearing the family name.

"When you see a turtle sitting up on top of a fence post, you know two things for sure; He didn't get up there on his own, and he's got no idea what to do now that he's up there."

I heard this a lot shortly after our current president was elected the first time.

Two others that come down to me from my mother:

"Candy is Dandy, but Liquor is Quicker"

and;

"when you're up to your a** in alligators, it's a little late to start thinking about draining the swamp"

BD

[MT Gianni]

My Grandfather's was "those who understand interest collect it, those who don't pay it". From a depression era of foreclosures.
Some I repeat from movies "He couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat" Bull Durham. "Follow me Indy, I know the way. Got lost in his own museum,eh" 3rd Indiana Jones movie.
"Cut dog, no puppies", on being told a friend was leaving the bar to study for his drug test " You dumb ass, all you got to do is pee in a bottle" from a Texas friend.

[Phil]

"Models who try to act are like bricks that try to become butterflies,
While here's something admirable about it, it never quite works."

Thelma

[Calamity Jake]

Something I told a friend one day when he was having trouble hitting with a pistol he had, but I could hit pretty good with it

"If ya can't run with the big dogs, then stay on the porch"

[twotoescharlie]

you're never to old to learn something new.

TTC

[fatnhappy]

Gen. of The Army Omar Bradley

"Nothing is as overrated as mediocre sex and nothing as underrated as a good $%$^"

[45nut]

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'

never more true than today....
Theodore Roosevelt
26th president of US (1858 - 1919)

[redneckdan]

"like socks on a chicken" The shop master machinist, when something actually works right.


"I need to put a vise-grip on his balls and stomp on the handle." Same machinist, when somebody royally screws something up.

[charlie3tuna]

There was never a bird who flew so high that didn't need to come down for a drink of water."

Grandmother

[Jim]

I figgered I'd get a few responses, but I never figgered I'd get this many!

Thanks, fellas!

[Hairtrigger]

If it doesn't fit get a bigger hammer:mrgreen:



The factory that I used to work at had a motto

" beat it to fit, paint it to match"

[Whitespider]

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra

“It has ever been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.” - Abraham Lincoln

“Trust, but verify.” - Ronald Reagan

“I've got a firm policy on gun control. If there's a gun around, I want to be the one controlling it.” - Clint Eastwood

“In war there is no substitute for victory.” - General Douglas MacArthur

“If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking.” – General George S. Patton

“If two men agree on everything, you can be sure one of them is doing the thinking.” - Lyndon Baines Johnson

“One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them.” - Thomas Jefferson

“There is no arguing with him, for if his pistol misses fire, he knocks you down with the butt end of it.” - Oliver Goldsmith

“You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” - Al Capone

“A woman is the only thing that I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.” - Abraham Lincoln

“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” - Ronald Reagan

“Before all else, be armed.” - Niccoló Machiavelli

[357maximum]

"Never totally trust any animal that can bleed for a week and not die"

"Shut up stupid"

" If you find your self painted into a corner, blame the man holding the brush"

"I would rather ask for forgiveness, than beg for permission"

"If god had meant for us to crawl, he would not have given us the ability to walk"

"On a quiet nite in chevy country, you can hear a ford rust"

"F.O.R.D backwards = Driver Returns On Foot"

"Think ahead or learn to watch your behind"

"If you seek to take my guns, I will gladly give them to you, warm end first"

"Do not lie, cheat, and steal the Government hates competition"

"IF (ess E ex) is a pain in the (A ess ess) chances are you are doing it wrong"

"If you are not the lead dog, the view never changes"

"everytime someone invents an idiot proof product, someone else invents a better idiot"

"do something, even if it is wrong"

[45nut]

Politicians are like other people--fools on the average; but it is easier for an ass to succeed in that trade than any other.

[Junior1942]

My mother: Son, never argure with anyone dumber than you.

My mother: The more you stir (fecal matter) the more it stinks.

[Edward429451]

When you stop being better, you stop being good.

(My dad)

[45nut]

You can not win the hearts and minds of the heartless and mindless.

[dragonrider]

One I reserve for when I find my talking to some moron without a clue.
"Three million sperm and you were the fastest one."

[axman]

Ignorance can be fixed but stupidity is forever.

The horse doing the pulling gets the whip.

[sundog]

Don't argue with an idiot. After a [short] while no one can tell the difference between you.

[dubber123]

" Beer is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy "- Ben Franklin. ****** Christopher Titus after picking a fight with his father at age 16- " All these years I thought my father was lazy, it turns out he was just resting up".

[waksupi]

If you're going to be stupid, ya gotta be tough.

It is impossible to polish a turd.

And, it is impossible to pick up a turd by the clean end, no matter what the politicians tell you.

[trickyasafox]

Sure i can lose weight, but your an A**hole forever.

[Crash_Corrigan]

Neither a scrooge nor a piker be.:drinks: Joseph A. Murtha 1867-1969 Bootleger and later a Bookmaker in NY (Also my Granddad)

I hope your children are as much as a pain to you as you are to me. :mrgreen: Mary A. Murtha 1916-1997 Mom and Wife (also my Mom)

If you hit them in the pelvic girdle with a heavy enough bulett, they hafta fall down. No one can stand with a broken pelvis. Jim Cirillo NYCPD Shooting Instructor and Member of the infamous NYCPD ESU Stakeout Squad. He was my instructor when I went through the NYCPD Academy in 1964 and he was right![smilie=1:

[JeffinNZ]

After breaking wind: "Better and empty house than a rotten tenant".....[smilie=1:

[Poygan]

And from my dad, although probably not original, "You have to be smarter than the dog, to teach him something".

[Orygun]

A take off from....

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for the rest of his life."

To.........

"Build a man a fire and he'll stay warm for the night, set a man on fire and he'll stay warm for the rest of his life". ;)

[GSM]

For the inept: "They could manage to F*** up a rock fight".
For the clueless: "Couldn't pour piss out of a boot without getting wet"

[cattleskinner]

"Average= It's either the best of the worst, or the worst of the best"

"You can't miss fast enough to win a gunfight"

"Don't burn down bridges you may have to cross later"

This one was from one of my instructors while in the police academy
"My luck is so bad, that if it was raining whores, I would get hit by a c**ksucker everytime"

"Big hole in, Lotta air out"

"There's no replacement for displacement"

~~Amos

[Gussy]

Sign in a Cat repair shop:

If it has t*ts or tires, it going to cause you trouble!!

[Bullshop]

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
BIC/BS

[fourarmed]

When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. -LBJ

[MT Gianni]

"Let some cold air in and some warm blood out" Elmer Keith

[tommag]

"He couldn't pour piss out of a boot if you told him the directions were written on the bottom" My dad.

[Gussy]

If we had some pie, we could have some pie and ice cream, if we had some ice cream.


Gus
read it again....my wife hates it when I say that....

[Rick N Bama]

Today I overheard an old man describing a new pocketknife he had just bought;

"Son that thing will cut ya 3 days from Monday"

[CT Kid]

Better to beg for forgivness than ask for permission

[Gun Junkie]

"It Never Bothers the Wolf how many the sheep be" - Plato (I think)

"All's well that ends." - Paul Cook Programming Manager

[PineTreeGreen]

Some people are living proof that sperm can go bad in a hurry.

[crazy mark]

If it ain't broke I can't fix it.

[45nut]

"I've done worse, for less, for people I didn't even like"

boy that has significance now but in a different way then it did back when I used it more often.

"The beatings will continue until morale improves"

That also has a different connotation then it did.

[Lee]

*****.....F***ED up beyond all repair.
"At least ya didn't **** yerself" former boss who could always find a constructive comment no matter how bad the *****.
"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten"
"What! Me Worry?"
"Dumber than a box 'o rocks"
"Dumber than a hammer"
"Living proof that eskimos f***ed whales"
"I'd rather be in (St Louis??)" purported epitaph on W.C. Fields gravestone.

Brain lock settin' in.....................Lee;-)

[andrew375]

There is only one thing worse than being talked about you behind your back. That is not being talked about you behind your back!

[madcaster]

I heard a guy say that he observed someone as being "as nervous as a cat with a weedeater stuck up it's butt".I thought that was a good one.

[tommag]

"If in one hand, $hit in another, see what has more substance" Dr. Bill Wattenburg.
"Thats a shovel with a rope handle, my friend." Dr. Bill Wattenburg

[PineTreeGreen]

When you get a finger wave prostate check you will know how a Muppet feels.:mrgreen:

[Finn45]

Old saying here around is "Do not lick it before it drops"... you may know it better in form: "Don't count your chickens before they hatch"... Very true in many occasions.

My favorite , though, is "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"... now did I get it right or not ...

[Thin Man]

You can judge the value of a man by these two standards: how he keeps his word, and how he pays his debts (not always meaning $$$).

[bruce drake]

Two simple statements:

1. Measure Twice, Cut Once.
If you are a carpenter or a tradesman you'll understand this one.

2. There are no elevators to success. You succeed by taking it one step at a time.
I tell this one to my young Soldiers everyday it seems.

Bruce

[TDB9901]

"If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck."

[Edward429451]

I cut it three times and it's still too short.
Something a handyman once said to a tradesman...:>)

[Bad Ass Wallace]

"A friend in need is a flamin pest!":roll:

[RSOJim]

My Dad's favorite saying because he doesn't us profanity. "Profanity is the efforts of a feeble mind trying to express itself forceably."

[sundog]

Every day's a holiday, every meal's a banquet, and every formation is a family reunion.

Be on time to first formation, the rest of the day will take care of itself.

[STP]

He`s using the trees

Predator

You don`t listen do you ###hole?

Dirty Harry

[Lee]

"Never piss on an electric fence"
"Every dimes' a dollar, every meals' a feast"
"Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest!"
"Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick"
"Nah, it ain't loaded!"
" A Smith & Wesson beats 4 aces"

And a whole bunch of my favorites:

1915**Old Farmers Advice:**
1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
2. Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
3. Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
5. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
6. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
7. Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
8. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
9. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
10. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
11. You cannot unsay a cruel word.
12. Every path has a few puddles.
13. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
14. The best sermons are lived, not preached.
15. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
16. Don't judge folks by their relatives. ~~PLEASE~~
17. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
18. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
20. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
21. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
23. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
24. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
25. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

......................................Lee:wink:

[Russell James]

Rule 303 Sir, I used rule 303.{From the movie "Breaker Morant"}
FUBB, F*cked up beyond belief !
***** F*cked up beyond all recognition!
An armed society is a courtious society

[beemer]

When you tell the truth you better have one foot in the stirrup.

From my Great Grandmother.

[Boz330]

Boy if you don't straighten up, I'm going to hit you so hard that it will kill your grandchildren. Dad
Fits like a glove on a chicken. A carpenter friend that helped me build my house.
I need this (insert what ever) like Custer needed another indian. Me.
What goes around comes around. Words to live by.

Bob

[45nut]

A good quote I just found..


No wonder they laughed: “You know, I wanted to sit on a jury once and I was taken off the jury. And the judge said to me, ‘Can, you know, can you tell the truth and be fair?’ And I said, '‘That’s what journalists do.'’ And everybody in the courtroom laughed. It was the most hurtful moment I think I’ve ever had.” —ABC’s Diane Sawyer

[pdawg_shooter]

If wishes were horses beggars would ride, if horse turds were biscuits they would eat till the died !!! Heard it every time i wished for some thing when I was growing up.

[ARKANSAS PACKRAT]

"A friend knows about the skeletons in your closet.......A true friend will help you move the bodies"
I have two true friends, hope you all have at least one.......they're damn hard to come by.

[Halfbreed]

Might not can stop ya, but can damn sure make ya wish ya hadn't,

that just plum ain't cheatin fair
Halfbreed

[Lee]

"Keep it up! Just keeep it up!!".............................Lee:wink:

[Powderpacker]

"Shakin like a dog sh*tin peach pits"
from an old carpenter I used to work with

[Shepherd2]

If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember what you said.

[No_1]

I have heard the same thing but in a different way: "An honest man does not need a good memory"



If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember what you said.

[axman]

Better than a rusty nail in your tennis shoe.

[MGySgt]

Mind like a steel trap - Rusted Shut

[7br]

Don't remember where I heard it, but one of my favorites:

Were you born stupid or do you have to work at it?

[LarryM]

Left to its own devices, gross stupidity is ultimately self correcting. - Me.

If you kids had a sack of manure and an anvil you would break the anvil, loose the sack and have nothing left but a pile of manure. - Me.

[waksupi]

Once you reach 60, never trust a fart, and never waste a hard on, even if you are alone.

[45nut]

"Now this ought to split the real gun hands out from the ones should do their shootin' across a keyboard"

[sundog]

Ric, about the fart, it's risky a little earlier....

[Jim]

"You know you're in trouble when you fart an' the bubble don't break."

[Trapshooter]

"Some got it, some ain't, and some are full of it", my great-grandad.

He farmed with horses until the mid 50's, when the turnpike split his farm. He asked me what I was going to do for a living when I was in Jr. Hi school. I told him I wanted to be an engineer (electrical). He said "I worked for the railroad when I was a young man, its heavy work, and they are a lot of rough men. You probably won't get to drive the train."

Trapshooter

[TDB9901]

Back to Post #80 by Powderpacker.....

I always heard it "Shiverin' like a dog Shi**in' Shingle nails"

[Thin Man]

The guy's so lazy he wouldn't work in a pie factory!

[Newtire]

Mind like a steel trap - Rusted Shut

Mind like a steel sieve (INspector Cleusseu-Pink Panther)

[Newtire]

Boy if you don't straighten up, I'm going to hit you so hard that it will kill your grandchildren. Dad
Fits like a glove on a chicken. A carpenter friend that helped me build my house.
I need this (insert what ever) like Custer needed another indian. Me.
What goes around comes around. Words to live by.

Bob

I'll hit you so hard, you'll starve to death rollin'

[Boz330]

I'll hit you so hard, you'll starve to death rollin'

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Andy_P]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. "

Sir Winston Churchill

[rmb721]

"When the wind is out of the East, the fish bite the least."
"When the wind is out of the West, the fish bite the best."

"Being that stupid has to be painful."

[fourarmed]

From my Dad:

He doesn't have sense enough to pound sand in a rat hole.

I'll kick your butt so hard, you'll have to take your shirt off to s--t.

[Nueces]

Sir Winston, upon having been taken to task for ending a sentence with a preposition...

"Sir, this is pettifoggery and quibbling, up with which I will not put!"

[Four Fingers of Death]

Bullshop, it was Abe Lincoln I believe, but I think it is an old proverb from some country.

LBJ talking about G Ford (I think):
'he's too dumb to walk and chew gum at the same time;


LBJ talking about J Edgar Hoover:

'I'd rather have him in the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in'

Winston Churchill when taken to task about being drunk on a us by a woman:
'Yes madame, I am drunk, but you are ugly, in the morning, I will be sober, you will still be ugly!'


Previously quoted in a slightly different form here:

'The first rule of holes, Stop digging.'

I used to use this a lot when investigating staff who had erred at work and were busy trying to make it better, but were actually making it worse for themselves.

Grandfather:

'measure as many times as you like michael, you only get to cut once'
(Applicable to a lot of things in life)

My dad when describing someone who was lazy:

'he wouldn't work in an iron lung'

'he thinks manual labour is a mexican bandit (his favourite)'

when I was spending my money a bit freely as a young man and I had flippantly said that it was made round to go round:

'No son, it is made flat to stack.'

Something or someone who was useless:

'about as handy as tits on a bull'

From one of my school teachers:
'if brains were dynamite, he wouldn't blow the skin off a grape'

From one of my superior oficers in the army:

'any fool can be uncomfortable'

'any soldier is entitled to his opinion young Morarty, however, he is not entitled to express it.'

'Keep your eyes, ears and bowels open and your mouth shut'

from work:

'he's as handy as two blokes off sick'

Quotes attributed to me at work:

When advising someone that they were on th wrong track and needed to reconsider:

'no good will come from this'

'your a one man crime wave!'

'don't answer questions that haven't been asked.

Aussie sayings:

'Flash as a rat with a gold tooth'

'he'd sell a one legged man two shoes!'

'he couldn't pull the skin iff a rice pudding'

'he couldn't pull an old woman off the pot'

'not worth the sweat off the waterbag'

'got the **** out of his pants' (broke)

Off Coronation Street which was an English soapie:

'he'd steal the honey off a blind bee'

Don't know where this one came from:

'too much inspiration, not enough perspiration'

These are addictive I could listen to them all day

[No_1]

If your going to be stupid you better be tough...

[Ricochet]

This morning I heard reported this nugget of wisdom uttered by the son of a friend:

"You know, in this world a man can do most anything he wants to... unless he's four years old."

:D

[scrapcan]

When discussing cheap people my uncle Charlie, a small business owner, would say they were

"tighter than a bull's ass at fly time"

My grandmother used to say:

I am going to get a switch and if you are not here when I get back i will find something bigger and then find you"

a few others from who knows where

"a rolling rock gathers no moss"

There area lot of good ones in the previous pages. Keep them going.

[Pepe Ray]

Regarding forebearance;
"I don't get upset when they s#*t on me, nor do I anger when they rub it in.
but when they complain about the stink they'd better duck." Pepe Ray (ARAIK)

waksupi, I about split a gut on that one. How true !!

[Bigscot]

A couple more:

For someone who seems to break a lot of things..

He could break an anvil.

For someone who wouldn't speak up about something..

Wouldn't say sh*t if he had a mouthful.

Also,

A broken clock is right twice a day.

and

A blind squirrel (or hog) finds an acorn every now and then.

That dog won't hunt.

BS

[waksupi]

Bigscot, it isn't hard to break an anvil! Just strike it directly with the hammer. There should always be a piece of iron between the anvil and a hammer.

[Edward429451]

America is the only place on earth where you can be born a poor black man, and grow up to be a rich white woman.

[Edward429451]

Oh and one from my grandma...

I'll see ya later grandma...

"Not if I see you first" ;-)