French Military History

[shaggist]

I was listening to John Boy and Billy on our local radio station this morning, and something reminded me of Oliver's History of the French Military, which is one of the funniest skits I ever heard. I can't find it, but I found this instead, which is very similar in text and content. Just thought everyone might need a laugh today.



French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

[Hardcast416taylor]

Surplus military equipment (French): Very slightly used, weapons unfired only dropped once.Robert

[alamogunr]

A few years ago a trick making the rounds of the internet was to go to Google and enter "French Military Victories" and then click "I'm Feeling Lucky".

Google then would ask "Did you mean French Military Defeats?

It won't do it now so I guess the evolution of Google has eliminated that response.

[Harter66]

I think I hurt myself when I fell out of my chair, my coworker are pretty sure I've lost my mind.

[HORNET]

There was a theory in the military rifle forum a while back that the French built such ugly guns so the soldiers wouldn't get attached to them and feel bad when they threw them down to run faster.

[JeffinNZ]

"Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline."

BRILLIANT.

I still maintain the TWO best things to come out of France are Germany.

[6.5 mike]

I have told more then one french chief eng off the ships that we were the only reason their native tounge IS'NT GERMAN.

[oscarflytyer]

First thought - "They HAVE military history?!? I would call it a 101 on how to run away..."

Second thought: "French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French." Everybody has to have one gimme!!!

[beagle]

No doubt, their "domestic" military efforts have been pretty weak and I agree with all that's been said. But, take a look at the Foreign Legion and its history. Different story altogether and I understand they're mostly foreigh troops but they fight and in North Africa, even revolted against the mother country. Of course, they were armed with foreign weapons (mostly captured WWII German stuff) instead of that ugly home made stuff.

The home product....as you say. The Foreign Legion...no./beagle

[Rockydog]

The English soldiers of the 1700s wore red coats to disguise bleeding and maintain calm among their fellow soldiers. Now we know why French uniforms have been brown. (With apologies to the WWII French Resistance. Those were some fearless men and women.) RD

[waksupi]

Some may wish to look into the battle for Verdun in WW1 to see how the French fight.

[oscarflytyer]

Some may wish to look into the battle for Verdun in WW1 to see how the French fight.

Been to the Verdun battlefield. Understand completely where you are coming from. Highly recommend it if you ever get a chance to go. You will never forget it. A side note - (as of 1988) - there is still pockets of active (very persistent) Mustard Gas...

Post above was a good bit tongue in cheek. But they also haven't done a good job of sealing the deal...

[wallenba]

France does have some real bad-a$$ soldiers....oh wait...that's the foreign legion, made up of men from OTHER countries. Sorry about that, my bad.

Napoleon did however, kick a lot of butt. Until Waterloo.

[MT Gianni]

They were the first Country to recognize the US post Revolution. It made a worlld of difference to us as financing then became available for our real needs.
My French ancestors came across with Guillam [William the Conqueror] from the Brittany area of France and kicked butt, unifying what would later be England.

[Wayne Smith]

They were the first Country to recognize the US post Revolution. It made a worlld of difference to us as financing then became available for our real needs.
My French ancestors came across with Guillam [William the Conqueror] from the Brittany area of France and kicked butt, unifying what would later be England.

In that case, your "French" ancestors were Norman - or Norseman. Read Scandanavian - I think Danes, but I'm not sure.

[MT Gianni]

Wayne the name was Tomas De Moultou, anglicized a few generations later to Moulton. If they were Norse they had been in France long enough for a name change.

[geargnasher]

Reminds me of the French Army Knife email that went around a few years ago. I make fun of everyone including myself, so I don't mind having a good chuckle at their expense. Stereotypes exist for a reason.

Gear

[Wayne Smith]

Wayne the name was Tomas De Moultou, anglicized a few generations later to Moulton. If they were Norse they had been in France long enough for a name change.

Two generations, and "De Moultou" means "from Moultou" so could have been even a name taken or given in early England, many of the "french" names carried over. Remember that later England controled over half of what is now France. There is a huge confusion of names/language.

[Bret4207]

The French always get a bad shake. So go the Poles, Italians, etc. I imagine they have plenty of jokes about us. No big deal.

My family on one side kept moving between Scotland, western France (Brittany) and Ireland for a period in the 1500's IIRC. Must been being chased as they were pretty much all Campbells. The other side was pure-dee- Frannnch from an area known as Poitou-Charentes, mostly from a town called Maulais. One thing for the Catholic Church, they kept records!

[3006guns]

..........and yet, these are the same people that invented smokeless powder and the high velocity cartridge?

Irony can be so ironic.........

[10x]

They were the first Country to recognize the US post Revolution. It made a worlld of difference to us as financing then became available for our real needs.
My French ancestors came across with Guillam [William the Conqueror] from the Brittany area of France and kicked butt, unifying what would later be England.

My Scandinavian ancestors came to Brittany and Normandy prior to that and are probably your ancestors.....

[Bret4207]

They were the first Country to recognize the US post Revolution. It made a worlld of difference to us as financing then became available for our real needs.
My French ancestors came across with Guillam [William the Conqueror] from the Brittany area of France and kicked butt, unifying what would later be England.

Thing with that you have to remember is that they did it to PO the Brits- "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" type of thing.

Was it the French or Germans or Brits that were sort of half helping the South in the Civil War?

[10x]

Thing with that you have to remember is that they did it to PO the Brits- "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" type of thing.

Was it the French or Germans or Brits that were sort of half helping the South in the Civil War?

Most all of the European countries would sell arms and goods to both sides during the Civil war.

[9.3X62AL]

Stereotypes exist for only one reason--to harden boolit alloy. :)

No doubt--the French Foreign Legion and the French Resistance are and were courageous fighters. Good training--decent equipage--and competent leadership are what makes an armed force effective. Well-defined war goals are a big help, too.

Charles DeGaulle once said, "How do you govern a country that has 240 different kinds of cheese?" I think he had something there.

[Bret4207]

The individual Frenchman is probably a kind, gregarious, fun to hang with kinda guy that just wants to get through life, just like us. It's when you get a bunch of them together and form a gov't that the problems start...just like us!

[bowfin]

Ever since Charles Martel defeated the Moors (Moslems) in 732 A.D., France seems to fight at least one war per generation. That ensured that all those men who were brave, self sacrificing, and put honor and duty above all else were systematically removed from their families and the gene pool over the course of 1,200 years.

Look at the stretch from Napoleon to the the 1950s. Almost constant fighting somewhere. In the first half of the 1950s, France was fighting in Algeria, Indochina, and Korea. This just a few years after World War II...and before that, a lost generation from World War I...40 years before, the Franco Prussian War...the generation before, the Crimean War...

Anyhow, after a while, no dogs left that can hunt.

[10x]

In 1939 France had one of the largest standing armies in the world with over 900,000 and 5 million reservists who had military training. There is no mention of what happened to this army when the french government capitulated in 1940. A National Film Board production had one segment of an interview with a French soldier who was "captured " then. His comment, "we were not prisoners fro long, we all put on German uniforms and went to fight the Russians". That segment seems to have not survived when the films were transposed to video...

[DrB]

Liked the french of the provinces, really disliked parisians.

[NoZombies]

This story was relayed to me by a friend:

I was working on a cruise ship, and as happens on cruise ships, there were people there from all over the world. One of the guys was a frenchman, and he was good natured, and took our ribbing well. Once while in port, we picked up a french-english dictionary, so that we could mess with him more.

After finding lots of ways to make fun of cheese, we came to him with a serious question, "why can't we find the word surrender in the dictionary?" He said simply "No need for it, we always say it in German."

[gew98]

I recall my uncle Frank whom served as a B25 Navigator in Egypt , Italy & France he really disliked the french most of all. The Arabs he saw all seemed to him subserviant and in varying degress of uncleanliness. The Italians , warm , friendly and would steal you blind given the chance. The french rather unclean and fairly rude , though they were not disposed to stealing they priced everything like it was theft !. When his B25 got shot down in france and they bellied into a farmers field... by the time they got back to their airfield the CO had already been served the bill of damages to the rock wall and the farmers "crop"... pretty darn efficient !.
I still have one of those treasured things my uncle gave me - an Italian issue dagger w/scabbard. He related that the italian prisoners were hardly under gaurd at all..they had no desire to fight anyone and as well they had no shortage of pistols , bayonets & daggers in their compound...which they happily traded to Americans like my uncle frank for smokes & food.
My grandfather on the other hand whom served and was wounded in the great war never had the time to really get acquainted wiht the french and those whom he did felt them a pleasent sort. I do recall him mentioned that about every French woman of marrying age he encountered then was a widow.

[gew98]

This story was relayed to me by a friend:

I was working on a cruise ship, and as happens on cruise ships, there were people there from all over the world. One of the guys was a frenchman, and he was good natured, and took our ribbing well. Once while in port, we picked up a french-english dictionary, so that we could mess with him more.

After finding lots of ways to make fun of cheese, we came to him with a serious question, "why can't we find the word surrender in the dictionary?" He said simply "No need for it, we always say it in German."

That's a hoot !. I went on a cruise with the wife back in '99 and the best fella on the boat was our head waiter... a turkish fellow my wife said she would have left me in a heartbeat for. Anyhow I was fairly well versed on turk history of the Kemal sort...and when I compared Kemal to 'our' George Washington I got the best service ever when we went to the dining room on that boat !.
The worst fellow was a yugoslav... serbian to be precise. I don't know what crawled up his **** but he was a most unpleasant 'waiter' as one could ever have. For some reason he hated a Hungarian waiter...and that hungarian was a damn good fella. Needless to say whom got the big tips and whom did'nt !.

[Jon]

I'm half french, but I still make french jokes. It's usually the one about the military surplus french rifles. They're in great shape... only dropped once. :-)

[fatnhappy]

look at these guys! I bet they could keep thier arms up for hours.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/07/14/article-0-0D01D15800000578-927_634x407.jpg

[perotter]

Jokes aside, for those interested in the French military should read "Strange Victory". It is history book about why the French & English didn't stop the Germans in 1940.

The main point, in a short version is, ones own politicians can destroy a strong military. Each politician trying to gain the upper hand over some other countryman.