Well, the kid is no more. . .

[Recluse]

The last thing tying us to our adopted daughter was a car I signed for and financed nine months ago, and of which she has only made one car payment--and that was last month and she resented the living hell out of having to make it and literally threw the money in my face. Called me a selfish ah and a tightwad and hoped I got taxed out of existence.

I almost explained to her the death and inheritance tax, but since I knew at that point she was getting taken out of the will and we were doing away with the college trust fund for, it would just be wasted oxygen.

Today, under direct threat of lawful arrest, she brought the car back. I had given her the choice to bring the car back to us voluntarily, or it would be brought back to us with her in handcuffs.

I wasn't kidding, nor was I bluffing. And she knew it. For the first time ever in our relationship, she saw my game face.

She also knew that I'd found out about her drug usage, her hanging around head-shop owners and employees at all hours of the night, and that most of the "weepy tale" her (biological) mom told my wife and I four years ago was a load of carp. She had thrown in all of the cards we'd given her the past couple of years, along with pictures--we noted later that she kept the frames, plus all the other things we'd bought her like the computer, laptop, clothes, an Anne Klein watch for her last birthday, jewelry, etc.

My wife chalked it up to spiteful immaturity. I agreed.

This is the third time in less than five years that she's done this to us. I made it crystal clear the second time, after paying off all her debts and fines and medical bills incurred during her "wild phase" that the third time mean ex-communication and that she would no longer exist to my wife and I, as well as our families.

The problem with white trash is that it stays white trash forever. Nothing you can do. You can buy all the clothes in the world, enroll them in all the classes and colleges you want, blah blah blah. . . it's like putting perfume on a pig.

It's still a pig--no matter how you dress it up.

Should've known better. I should have well known better.

As of 3:53 p.m., 2 April 2011, she ceased to exist in our family. Forever.

It hurts, but we'll get over it. Our immediate and extended family has circled the wagons. we'll be okay.

On a positive note, I had the car sold yesterday--was only waiting on the kid to bring it back to us and hold my breath in what condition she brought it back.

:coffee:

[nicholst55]

It's difficult to cut all ties to a child, blood or otherwise, regardless of how much they deserve it. I hope that this turns out for the best for everyone involved. Maybe - just maybe - she'll benefit from this experience, and come to realize that if she wants anything worthwhile from life that she must earn it.

Hoping for the best for you and the family.

[steg]

I've met quite a few adoptive parents and and all but one ended up heartbroken, They Adopted two chinese girls, and they were the sweetest little kids, and they grew up to be responsible parents on their own, as far as the others, not a chance recluse, as you said I think it's in the genes, and can't be changed no matter what you do, my Heart goes out to you sir............................steg

[Lee]

Sorry. I know how you feel. I have a daughter who doesn't even acknowledge my existence. That's ugly in a different way, but hurts like hell nonetheless.
Again, sorry, nothing else I can say..............Lee

[WILCO]

Sorry. I know how you feel.

Ditto for me. Stay strong Recluse.

[square butte]

We have a saying around our house. Sometimes the best thing to do with trouble is throw it over your shoulder and walk away from it as quickly as possible. Try and get over it as fast as you can. I know it's not always possible to do it that way. We do wish you a speedy recovery with as little aftermath as possible.

[JonB_in_Glencoe]

It's sad that this Girl/Woman didn't realize the chance she was given
and then just threw it away.

Well, I'll say what she didn't...Thank you Recluse !
there are not many Americans like you anymore.

So much of our society is just waiting to be flushed down the toilet.
sometimes a guy just has to flip the lever.
Jon

[jmsj]

Recluse,
Never forget, you and your wife did the good and Christian thing to do. I know it did not turn out well but you gave her a chance and SHE squandered it. The sin is not on your shoulders it is on hers. God is watching and he will not forget your act of kindness.
I am sure this will hurt until it doesn't but give you and your wife kudos. The two of you gave a young person a chance at redemption when no one else would. You and your wife DO good deeds not just talk about doing good deeds or writing a check. You put yourself out there and do the work. This is what makes you guys exceptional.
Good luck, jmsj

[Trey45]

JD, Sometimes we get a good return on our investments, sometimes we don't. The mere act of investing love, time and money into the girls life speaks volumes. The return on this investment might not be seen in this lifetime, but the rewards are waiting in Gods house. The message you put in the girls heart is one she will carry the rest of her days. You never know when it will take root and grow.

[blasternank]

Sorry you had to go through all of that. God speed!

[Pepe Ray]

Recluse;
I recommend a good cry. Sober, perhaps loud but you must remove the jagged edge of that feeling of despair. It's like a plugged toilet that backs up and overflows around your feet.
I'll say a prayer for you.
Pepe Ray

[Echo]

Yo, Recluse;

Loss is loss, no matter whether blood or adoptive. But life goes on. You gave it your best shot, and it may possibly turn out OK in the long run for her - she may pull her head out and become a productive member of society. Unlikely, but possible. I believe she has had a glimpse at that life.

For you and yours, as has been said, throw it over your shoulder and press on.

My respects, and good luck.

Ed S.
AKA

[Kirk Miller]

As one who has, and is going through a situation similar to yours at this very time; You have my sincerest empathy and compassion. I know, without a doubt, that "TIME" is the greatest healer.

Personally, I have never known anyone, that has gotten through this life without some type of emotional agony. Maybe, if one were a total sociopath, it would be possible, but personally, I'll take the heart ache and pain, as long as I can keep my integrity and compassion for my fellow man.

I don't know you personally, However, through your repeated posts, I do know that you and I share the same basic beliefs in politics, family, and morality. I have no doubt, that you will get through this hardship and will be both a stronger and better person because of it.
Kirk

[Charlie Two Tracks]

You did what you were supposed to do and what you had to do. Enabling a person with a drug or alcohol problem is the worst thing a person can do.

[DIRT Farmer]

I have worked with several project children over the years. like every other venture, sometimes you win, some times you don't. The important thing is to try.
Matthew 13:3-9
We do not know where the fertile soil is when we sow, but we are to sow the seed we are given.

[crabo]

From John Farnam:

The pain of change, versus the pain of staying the same

Many students express concern over our doctrine that all pan-handlers, aggressive or passive, should be politely dismissed and separated from, immediately and with minimal verbal interaction. Some well-meaning students would actually like to "help" these individuals, with food, cash, etc.

As always, it's your call, but consider this:

Most people are "where they are," because that is where they want to be!
Put another way: in their lives, the pain associated with change continuously exceeds the pain of staying where they are.

How many times I've heard, "I hate my job, marriage, family, church, routine, et al. The logical response is, of course, "Well, why don't you quit your job, get divorced, change religions, move away, and start a whole new life somewhere else? Is there something stopping you from doing that?
The feeble excuse is, invariably, "... Oh, that would all be too inconvenient...," ad nauseam.

The stark fact is, as painful as he claims his life to be, the pain of change is even greater. And, so long as that is the case, no purposeful change will ever take place, his ceaseless whining not withstanding.

The only way any of us ever move forward and improve our lives, is when the pain associated with our current lot exceeds the pain of moving on. It's a universal formula, and it applies to all of us. Life is motion.
Stagnation is always associated with wretchedness and mental illness. For the sake of our own mental health, we have to move on, no matter how painful it is!

Back to the itinerant pan-handler:

Yes, he claims to be miserable, hungry, homeless, et al. Yet, regardless of what you do, or don't do, he'll surely be back on that same street corner, with the same hand-scribbled sign, next week, and the week after, in perpetuity. As miserable as he claims to be, the pain of self-improvement perpetually exceeds the pain of staying where he is.

So, in giving him cash, or even food, you are "easing his pain," and thus assuring that he will never change. There is only one thing he really lacks, and that's ambition, and well-meaning enablers virtually insure that ambition never rears its ugly head!

Pain is firmly attached to all our lives, and pain is a relentless headmaster. Thus, in forestalling anyone from the full enjoyment of the logical consequences of their own carelessness, stupidity, vanity, sloth, naivety, and bad habits, we ultimately do them, and society, no good service. "Giving " cash to someone who has done nothing to earn it, is ultimately destructive of their mental health. In fact, you're doing little more than supporting a drug habit!

This Civilization already has far too many healthy, able-bodied, yet sleazy and willfully-unproductive cowards. Preventing them from ever growing up, from ever squarely confronting their own shortcomings and moving forward, is ultimately a crime against humanity!

For one, I won't participate.

/John

Hopefully at some point, the pain of change, will be less than the pain of staying where she is.
_______________________________________________

[BOOM BOOM]

HI,
THAT SUCKS, SORRY.
You did the right thing, tried to help, that puts you & your wife in the class with the angles.
Sad she wasted it.

A Bishop once told me never give up on your child, always pray for them & hope.

On the other hand I would not let this destroy me or my family.
Some times tough love is the only thing that will save them. Unfortunately it usually takes a bit of time to work.:Fire::Fire:

[shooterg]

Always thought a good epitath for anyone would be "He tried to do the right thing". You did - put your heart and your money in it. Nothing hurts worse than a child going wrong. You and the wife did right cutting her loose now - and as long as the young lady is alive, there's a chance for her to change. Hope and prayers at you.

[gray wolf]

Stay strong my friend,
What I am hearing is that you had enough, and you did what you had to do.
Sometimes a crooked branch can not be made straight. It sounds very much like her problems go very deep, coupled with resentment.
I pray for your recovery from this.

Sam

[ricksplace]

Damn, Recluse, that's tough stuff. You did the right thing for all parties concerned. There are a few of my friends that say "No good deed goes unpunished". Don't believe it. Keep on doing good things for people, even though you get kicked in the teeth sometimes. The world needs more people like you.

[kbstenberg]

I agree with all the above posts. You an your better half did all you could an should for a sibling. Its up to them to use what they were given.
Kevin

[thehouseproduct]

From John Farnam:

The pain of change, versus the pain of staying the same

Many students express concern over our doctrine that all pan-handlers, aggressive or passive, should be politely dismissed and separated from, immediately and with minimal verbal interaction. Some well-meaning students would actually like to "help" these individuals, with food, cash, etc.

As always, it's your call, but consider this:

Most people are "where they are," because that is where they want to be!
Put another way: in their lives, the pain associated with change continuously exceeds the pain of staying where they are.

How many times I've heard, "I hate my job, marriage, family, church, routine, et al. The logical response is, of course, "Well, why don't you quit your job, get divorced, change religions, move away, and start a whole new life somewhere else? Is there something stopping you from doing that?
The feeble excuse is, invariably, "... Oh, that would all be too inconvenient...," ad nauseam.

The stark fact is, as painful as he claims his life to be, the pain of change is even greater. And, so long as that is the case, no purposeful change will ever take place, his ceaseless whining not withstanding.

The only way any of us ever move forward and improve our lives, is when the pain associated with our current lot exceeds the pain of moving on. It's a universal formula, and it applies to all of us. Life is motion.
Stagnation is always associated with wretchedness and mental illness. For the sake of our own mental health, we have to move on, no matter how painful it is!

Back to the itinerant pan-handler:

Yes, he claims to be miserable, hungry, homeless, et al. Yet, regardless of what you do, or don't do, he'll surely be back on that same street corner, with the same hand-scribbled sign, next week, and the week after, in perpetuity. As miserable as he claims to be, the pain of self-improvement perpetually exceeds the pain of staying where he is.

So, in giving him cash, or even food, you are "easing his pain," and thus assuring that he will never change. There is only one thing he really lacks, and that's ambition, and well-meaning enablers virtually insure that ambition never rears its ugly head!

Pain is firmly attached to all our lives, and pain is a relentless headmaster. Thus, in forestalling anyone from the full enjoyment of the logical consequences of their own carelessness, stupidity, vanity, sloth, naivety, and bad habits, we ultimately do them, and society, no good service. "Giving " cash to someone who has done nothing to earn it, is ultimately destructive of their mental health. In fact, you're doing little more than supporting a drug habit!

This Civilization already has far too many healthy, able-bodied, yet sleazy and willfully-unproductive cowards. Preventing them from ever growing up, from ever squarely confronting their own shortcomings and moving forward, is ultimately a crime against humanity!

For one, I won't participate.

/John

Hopefully at some point, the pain of change, will be less than the pain of staying where she is.
_______________________________________________

For the 30% of homeless people that are not mentally handicapped, I agree. The point is taken however. My sister is a drug addict and I know the feeling of the OP.

[crabo]

For the 30% of homeless people that are not mentally handicapped, I agree. The point is taken however. My sister is a drug addict and I know the feeling of the OP.

I am really struggling with drugs at the moment. I keep getting some of my sudents some really good jobs, and then they can't pass the drug test or after they do, they get messed up to where it interfers with their job and they get fired.

I haven't figured out how to make them understand that they are seriously screwing up their lives when they are playing around with this stuff.

I really feel for Recluse. I keep coming back to my signature quote below, because some of the kids just don't get it. Maybe some day she will. God tells us to take care of the widows and orphans, and I believe God will bless him for being faithful.

I believe that God calls us to be faithful to his calling, not to be successful.

[jr545]

Recluse I've started to reply several times and I just can't find the words except to say I'm sorry for your loss.
Please don't let this setback keep you from throwing your heart out there again.
I have embarked on a similar journey with two young men who needed someone to show them the way.
I hope and pray I am strong enough to help them pass into manhood and ignore all the teachings of their failed "parents".
God bless you and the misses for trying.

[theperfessor]

I feel a lot like jr545. Don't know what to say except I'm sorry to hear of your problems. I have no advice worth sharing, but you do have my admiration for making a good effort. Hang in there my friend.

[Recluse]

Appreciate the thoughts and advice. We're confident time will take care of this.

The more we find out and discover, the more bewildering it becomes.

The biological mom had told us that she was married to her last husband for six years. Public records reveal she was married for nine months. We had been told that "John" had been a part of the girl's life since she was six months old. Reality? Less than a year. How can the girl "remember" someone that didn't exist unless the biological mother was filling her full of BS for all these years?

Same mom told us her husband died of complications from a vaccination--which really raised my BSD up a notch. We find out that in reality, he committed suicide.

Nine months of marriage and you commit suicide?

Even more interesting is that the financial gains the biological mom made from the husband's death were significant--enough to buy $35,000 horses, quarter-million dollar house, and go to horse shows with the daughter all over the country.

Somewhere, this all came crashing down. Cars and trucks were repossessed, the house burned under what the investigator's ruled "suspicious circumstances." Maybe not outright arson, but enough that the insurance company outright denied the claim. Mortgage note got foreclosed on, and another repossession went on biological mom's record.

She's had three other cars repossessed in the past four years. Been kicked out of two rental properties in that same time, and moved in the middle of the night on a third. She and her daughter can only rent from places that accept cash and do no background/credit checks.

I'd seen the places they lived and they were trashed. I mean, white trash kind of damage and trashing. Disgusting.

The daughter has three different banks that she owes money to from having drastically overdrawn her checking (debit) card accounts--and these were three banks in a period of less than eighteen months.

Started off as FIVE banks, I guess. We only knew about two of them--which we paid off the outstanding balances, which were around $500 each.

We thought we had made some gains with the young lady and we made the mistake of trusting her and taking her at her word. Now, coming up on a week later since the last implosion that started and resulted in her being kicked out of our lives. . . we continue to find out more, and it's beyond not pretty. It's ugly. And scary.

Bio mom tells me that bio dad and family have had nothing to do with the young lady since she was born and ended up in the hospital. Young lady's former junior high/high school friend calls me up two days ago and tells me that bio dad's sisters and brother, mom and son are always in touch with her--and always have been. Even the young lady denied that she ever heard from any of them--yet, they are on her Facebook page.

Lots of holes in the backgrounds of both women, lots of things that don't even come close to adding up.

I cannot believe that I didn't catch these things or dig deeper at the beginning. Or maybe I was afraid of what I'd find and just didn't do it? Have no idea.

Not sure what all the stages are, but we've gone from surprised, to disappointment, to shock, to anger. . . and now we're entering the apathy stage.

I think there's a lot to the "gene theory." Bad genes and there's no undoing that--especially when the young lady is too lazy and has zero self-respect to change anything. And why should she? She'll find another sucker somewhere down the line. My wife has been adding up receipts on what we spent on the young lady, and on her mom, over the past four years. The total (and she's not finished yet) is staggering. What idiots we, and especially me, were. It's not the money--it's the trust. The being used. Being taken for a ride.

Done with her. Door closed, locked. . . and guarded heavily.

:coffee:

[Doby45]

Hell Recluse, you can adopt me.. I promise to be a good son. Conservative, gun toter, gun shooter, boolit caster, loves flying small planes, enjoys BBQ and nachos. I have not asked a dollar from my parents since I moved out at 17.. It is a win win.. I in turn get to come visit you guys in Texas and bring my awesome family along. And we can go flying and such. Lemme know and I will get the papers drawn up. ;)

[thehouseproduct]

Appreciate the thoughts and advice. We're confident time will take care of this.

The more we find out and discover, the more bewildering it becomes.

The biological mom had told us that she was married to her last husband for six years. Public records reveal she was married for nine months. We had been told that "John" had been a part of the girl's life since she was six months old. Reality? Less than a year. How can the girl "remember" someone that didn't exist unless the biological mother was filling her full of BS for all these years?

Same mom told us her husband died of complications from a vaccination--which really raised my BSD up a notch. We find out that in reality, he committed suicide.

Nine months of marriage and you commit suicide?

Even more interesting is that the financial gains the biological mom made from the husband's death were significant--enough to buy $35,000 horses, quarter-million dollar house, and go to horse shows with the daughter all over the country.

Somewhere, this all came crashing down. Cars and trucks were repossessed, the house burned under what the investigator's ruled "suspicious circumstances." Maybe not outright arson, but enough that the insurance company outright denied the claim. Mortgage note got foreclosed on, and another repossession went on biological mom's record.

She's had three other cars repossessed in the past four years. Been kicked out of two rental properties in that same time, and moved in the middle of the night on a third. She and her daughter can only rent from places that accept cash and do no background/credit checks.

I'd seen the places they lived and they were trashed. I mean, white trash kind of damage and trashing. Disgusting.

The daughter has three different banks that she owes money to from having drastically overdrawn her checking (debit) card accounts--and these were three banks in a period of less than eighteen months.

Started off as FIVE banks, I guess. We only knew about two of them--which we paid off the outstanding balances, which were around $500 each.

We thought we had made some gains with the young lady and we made the mistake of trusting her and taking her at her word. Now, coming up on a week later since the last implosion that started and resulted in her being kicked out of our lives. . . we continue to find out more, and it's beyond not pretty. It's ugly. And scary.

Bio mom tells me that bio dad and family have had nothing to do with the young lady since she was born and ended up in the hospital. Young lady's former junior high/high school friend calls me up two days ago and tells me that bio dad's sisters and brother, mom and son are always in touch with her--and always have been. Even the young lady denied that she ever heard from any of them--yet, they are on her Facebook page.

Lots of holes in the backgrounds of both women, lots of things that don't even come close to adding up.

I cannot believe that I didn't catch these things or dig deeper at the beginning. Or maybe I was afraid of what I'd find and just didn't do it? Have no idea.

Not sure what all the stages are, but we've gone from surprised, to disappointment, to shock, to anger. . . and now we're entering the apathy stage.

I think there's a lot to the "gene theory." Bad genes and there's no undoing that--especially when the young lady is too lazy and has zero self-respect to change anything. And why should she? She'll find another sucker somewhere down the line. My wife has been adding up receipts on what we spent on the young lady, and on her mom, over the past four years. The total (and she's not finished yet) is staggering. What idiots we, and especially me, were. It's not the money--it's the trust. The being used. Being taken for a ride.

Done with her. Door closed, locked. . . and guarded heavily.

:coffee:
Your story scares me. I have a stepson with a nearly homeless ex con father whose story is nearly as good. His mother has raised him right but I'm worried how much nurture overcomes nature. The boy already hates me for wanting him to do chores and pick up after himself. Its creating stress between his mother and I.

[evan price]

"It may be so, my lord.
Hear, nature, hear; dear goddess, hear!
Suspend thy purpose, if thou didst intend
To make this creature fruitful!
Into her womb convey sterility!
Dry up in her the organs of increase;
And from her derogate body never spring
A babe to honour her! If she must teem,
Create her child of spleen; that it may live,
And be a thwart disnatured torment to her!
Let it stamp wrinkles in her brow of youth;
With cadent tears fret channels in her cheeks;
Turn all her mother's pains and benefits
To laughter and contempt; that she may feel
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child! Away, away!"

[StrawHat]

Recluse,

I am saddened to hear that someone else is going through this sort of situation. All I can offer are my prayers for you and your family and the thought that while it will always hurt, there will come a time when it won't hurt so often.

StrawHat

[mag44uk]

Recluse,I too am gutted for the outcome of your realtionship with her.
I have enjoyed reading of your exploits with her over the years and really thought she was a lucky young lady.
Seems like she couldnt see past the end of her nose.
I wish I knew what the cure is for scumbagitis.
Regards,
Tony

[onondaga]

God does not give you tribulations to hurt you or punish you. It is his mercy to strengthen you, show you his love and help you to build your own faith, hope and charity.

Thank Him for giving you the grace to accept His will and continue your life.

I have been in worse trouble than the girl and hurt my own parents more deeply than you speak of. I plead with you not to completely burn all the bridges between you and the girl, she may really change and someday want nothing more than to apologize and give you a hug. My parents prayed endlessly for me, and we made peace.

Gary


.

[Recluse]

I plead with you not to completely burn all the bridges between you and the girl, she may really change and someday want nothing more than to apologize and give you a hug. My parents prayed endlessly for me, and we made peace.

Gary
.

Gary,

She made the choice to walk out the door, not once, but three times and in a way that was agonizingly hurtful each time.

We have already forgiven her, but we will never forget--and as such, once the door closed this last time, it will never--repeat--never be opened again.

It does not mean that we want or wish for bad things to happen to her and we do, and will continue to pray for her, but should she make a turnaround in her life (which I simply do not foresee), I will be very pleased--but she still will not be welcome in our homes or lives.

Put simply, it is like the young Indian who picked up a frozen rattlesnake and warmed it up and nursed it back to health under all kinds of promises from the snake that the young buck would not be harmed. As soon as the snake warmed up and was healthy, it promptly bit the young Indian. When asked why, the snake replied, "You knew what I was when you picked me up."

Sadly, that is the case with this young woman. And I've already been bitten three times. No way will I get bitten a fourth time.

If I learned anything during my days in law enforcement, it was that some people are just flat bad. Same as with animals. Some animals are just born bad--defective genes or whatever. There is no saving them. People are the same way.

And yes, God can save people and that is this girl's only hope. But she is a user and manipulator of people, and she's used so many people up to this point that even the stout and devout Christians want nothing to do with her.

We were her last chance, for the most part, and she blew it.

:coffee:

[TCLouis]

Recluse

I laud you for the efforts you made to help someone who "needed" help.

I pray that you and your wife are quick over anger and hurt.

Thank you for trying.

Outside the family or blood child so many are having severe troubles with their "children" in this wonderful time in which we live.

Coworkers son lost a job he already had (first day) because of his urine sample being "too clear". In today's world I would imagine that any sample that has too few tags they look at give them a hint that the urinator was trying to hide something and there are too many applicants for too few jobs so they can be VERY selective in hiring.

[JesterGrin_1]

I have talked at length with a good Dr Friend of mine that worked with drug dependence as well as being one of the top internal specialists in TEXAS which is now pretty much a retired Gear Head ( My Fault lol.) about how genes play a part in a persons makeup. Of which there was some studies done on this very question.

The short of it is that people that come from a family that is known to be drug users of any sort from Alcohol to harder drugs tend to gravitate towards there use.

But even if it is in there physical makeup it is still not a for sure thing depending on how they were brought up and how they think.

Just as there are people who have overcome addiction some have the intelligence to know not to engage in such activities due to there physical makeup which will let them become dependent upon use of drugs.

Just as many will take a drug for reasons that they may need it such as pain and so forth do not get high as there body is not geared toward the use of such drugs in that way. But if your system or gene makeup is geared to drug abuse in any form then you will get high and keep using more and more to again obtain the same high. It is a never ending battle.

Just as in some people there Gene makeup lends them to be fat or skinny or many other ways that our genes impose changes in our body.

So really in the end there is only one thing to do is correct there way of thinking. Or to hope one day they change. But even if they do it is not easy and for the rest of there lives it is a day to day battle to overcome.

And please remember that a person that does drugs does heavily change there thought process and there actions towards not only themselves but others.

Recluse by saying what I did above and knowing how you feel you have been hurt to the core with all the things you have gone through and especially the scare you had with her for the operation I know you care but are hurt. So I do understand the closed Door. But maybe she will find her way to escape the people that she runs with now and at that time she may need some good guidance from a pillar which would be you since you have shown that time and time again.

[Mumblypeg]

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it... carbo pretty much has it summed up. People are where they want to be and will stay there unless they just don't want to be there anymore. We don't always know what we want but we dang sure know what we don't want! And if someone wants something bad enough they will work fo it. I will help you do anything, but I will not do it for you because if I do, you will not do anything. I lived with a girl once and she never had a dime although she worked and made as much money as I did. I paid for a house, car, all taxes and insurance and she would ask me for money... at first she bought food but then that stopped. She left one day... said I didn't love her... well I did. Just didn't LIKE her. The one good thing is she didn't take any of my stuff. Be fair to other people, but ALWAYS,ALWAYS, be fair to yourself. You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear...

[castalott]

The line from Shakespeare is "Tears do not become a man..." But I can tell you that if the hurt is broad enough and deep enough, the tears will come.

I am like you. It was the betrayal of trust....To be thrown carelessly away when you have went the extra mile every time.

The hurt is broad and deep...I feel for you and hope your prayer life comforts you...

Dale

[troyboy]

When no one is looking cry the good cry. After that is done cut your losses and be done with the situation. There those in life that will never get it.

[troy_mclure]

my sister pulled the same kinda stuff with my family, even going as far as telling my parents that she had been diagnosed with cancer.

she has been shunned from the family for a few years now.

she has fallen so far as to be seen "working" the streets, and my family has learned not to care.

[3006guns]

Recluse, we've all watched your pride glow because of this young woman. Your generosity and love were obvious and you did all the right things. What happened is certainly not your fault.....indeed, you are to be commended for your strength. You are a man, sir.

As to advice, from someone who was also injured badly by a person they loved and trusted, learn to put them "beyond the pale". Neither dead nor alive, simply gone...as if they never existed. Sometimes it is the only way to keep your faith in mankind and continue growing.

[Recluse]

Recluse, we've all watched your pride glow because of this young woman. Your generosity and love were obvious and you did all the right things. What happened is certainly not your fault.....indeed, you are to be commended for your strength. You are a man, sir.

As to advice, from someone who was also injured badly by a person they loved and trusted, learn to put them "beyond the pale". Neither dead nor alive, simply gone...as if they never existed. Sometimes it is the only way to keep your faith in mankind and continue growing.

It hurts, still.

Yes, I was proud, but now I'm not sure if it was something real I was proud of, or if I was proud of a concoction she made up, or if I was proud of something that never was.

My trust is non-existent. We had started the paperwork process and background checks and financial checks, blah blah to become an approved adoptive family. We were looking to adopt a teenager in her early teens. We were looking at girls from Virginia, Georgia, Kansas, Ohio, Missouri, Utah and from here in Texas.

Our friends tell us that we just have too much love to give. But now, we have no trust to give either, so we've abandoned the whole adoption process for now. Fortunately, we had NOT met any of the young ladies face to face, because I'm not sure I could live with the thought of having met them, given them hope, and then having to have their caseworker tell them, "Nope, they're not interested in adopting anymore."

Everyone tells us that Time will take care of everything. I hope that is right, but I'm not sure how much time we have. We're not old, but we're not getting any younger and if we are supposed to adopt, then my wife and I don't want to be in our mid-50's or later while trying to adapt to a teenager.

Most of her oldest friends have told her to get lost for the last time--and in talking with us, told us that they had told her that she was not only immature, but crazy. She has tried doing some badmouthing of us, but this time, no one but no one is buying it--everyone she badmouths us to keeps asking her, "Are these the same adoptive parents that paid for your surgery when you couldn't because you didn't have a job and your mom is too worthless to help you out?" Or they'll ask her, "Same dad that bought you that new car and you promised to pay for, but only made one payment?"

And so on.

I'd like to forget that she ever was, but there are going to be reminders for a while--and not just the financial ones we get in the mail. I'd taught her to shoot and even made up some special .38 Spcl and 9mm loads for her--and those are still in the shop in boxes, waiting to be shot.

She was a great co-pilot, and she loved going on road trips and long drives in the Z-car.

We'll get over it, but I'm trying not to be angry or vindictive--and THAT'S what is hard.

:coffee:

[3006guns]

Recluse, you know as well as we do that time is the great healer. Not much consolation, I know, but it really is true. The memories will probably always be there but time will soften the bitterness and hurt greatly. Remember her for who she seemed to be and that you and your wife were a positive influence.

Most kids are just that....kids. It's "Me, me, me" because they're the center of the universe in their mind. But they're also more intelligent than you realize and finally figure things out as they mature. When she looks at what her "mother" has done for her and then thinks about what you did for her, the light bulb will slowly come on. Sounds like some of her friends have already reached that point and are trying to pound it into her head.

Someday......down the road......she may come to her senses (grow up) and realize that there ARE good people in this world and that she screwed up. You might just get a visit and that's the time to really evaluate her.

Trust? That will return as the hurt fades, but it takes time.

Edit: Boring post script.....I should mention that I was adopted as an infant. I'm the biological result of a moment of passion between the son of a wealthy doctor and a girl he was spooning. My adoptive parents are "Mom and Dad"....period. They made me aware of my adoption as soon as I was old enough to understand and gave me all the love and guidance that turned me into a grown man with values of truth and honor. No, I have no desire to find out who my biological parents were...could care less. So if someone calls me a Bast**d, I take it as merely an accurate description not an insult. Really pisses 'em off when I smile!

By the way, I'm gonna be 62 this year and have "gone through" five kids total, two of which I will probably never see again thanks to their lying mother...my ex. My hope it that they'll finally figure it out, but if they don't......I have a life to live too and it will go on. I see no reason to change or dump my trust and I will accept all people as potential friends....until they prove otherwise.

[blackthorn]

3006guns--Your post mirrors my life very closely. I was adopted at eight months and got just the best deal EVER! I am 72 and I hope that if my parents can look down and know how I turned out, that they like what they see! My youngest boy wanted to know where he came from, so a few years ago I made an atempt to find out who my birth parent were. Manitoba (Canada) keeps the records sealed unless both parent and child request contact and my birth mother never tried, so at that point I dropped it. I bear her no ill will and poking around "digging up bones" has the potential to cause untold discomfort so the "bones" are better off remaining burried!

Recluse--My sympathies go out to you and your good wife! But from what I see, the loss is the girls, not yours, although it may not seem so to you just now. Keep the faith and have a great day!!

[watkibe]

Been there more than once. Sorry it's in your life now. I just reminded myself that I'm a dad, this is my job, and this is what I do. Hurts like hell, but all things must pass away. Sometimes kids grow up and come back, aplogize, and make up.
May God bless you and your family, my brother.