Originally Posted by
sawinredneck
Preface: I know this isn’t a popular topic, I’ve heard this that and the other from the Christian community, believe me! I am NOT asking for justification for anything here, I’m not asking anyone to understand my situation, but through what I’ve been, there is a quote from the old show “Night court” that sure seems to ring true. “Beyond a mans limits is no place God wants a man to be alone.” That gains some perspective.
I have a wonderful wife. We’ve had a miserable marriage! We were both idiots, youth, and have managed to keep it together. July will be 25yrs, I’ll not badmouth her, she should have left me years ago, and I had my opportunity to walk away but chose to tuff it out and try to fix things. It hasn’t been easy for either of us, but here we are.
We have a 13yo son, he’s managed to help keep my depression in check, he really centered me and gave me “purpose”, to a point.
I’ve dealt with and fought depression my entire life, seen more shrinks than I have fingers and toes, started when I was in fifth grade. It wasn’t until my wife intentionally tried to ruin our marriage that I finally got serious and answered things honestly that the depression was diagnosed. Now, please don’t put any of this on her, I wasn’t a pleasant person to deal with and she didn’t have the heart (really, she’s a good person) to feel anymore or try to walk away anymore, so she did what she thought would completely destroy the marriage. As I was far from perfect, she wasn’t prepared for me to try and salvage things. Yes, she’s really that good of a woman.
So then I broke my back, going on nine years now. I’ve tried more drugs than I care to name. After a year, and three overdoses, I came off of Fentynal cold turkey, good times. But it was literally making me crazier than I already was, hard to do!
But I live in chronic pain daily, I had to buy a wheelchair to go to Disneyland. I scream, from pain, in my sleep. My depression has come to depths that I’ve calculated the speed and angle to run into the moving train to assure the most successful odds of negative survival. I do good to get four hours of sleep a night, most nights it’s less. Weather changes I can be up for three, sometimes longer, days without sleep.
I’ve been fired by four chiropractors, an acupuncturist and a kenesioligist. I’ve tried everything. I went through, with much disagreement, physical therapy and she flat told me she couldn’t fix me but could “make my life more tolerable”.
I’ve got days I feel great and want to build a house. I’ve got days I have to crawl out of bed, crawl to the bathroom, then claw my way back into bed.
They’ve messed with my meds so much that I’m useless for three days during these changes. My wife has to take off work to get our son to school and I have to have my parents pick him up from school.
I spent 4 1/2yrs fighting for disability, to be denied because I made an effort to participate in my sons activities while I can still walk. I was told that little amount of time would be better used working by the judge.
I’m tired, I’m tired of being tired, I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of going to bed hurting just to know I’m going to get up and hurt again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and so on. I’m tired of screaming from pain in my sleep and making my wife have to sleep on the sofa. I’m tired of hearing there’s nothing they can do for me.
I’m tired. So when can I fire the guy driving the railroad spike in my spine with a sledgehammer?
Seriously, how much can God expect one person to take? They say God never gives you more than you can take. I disagree, I’m done.