Marriage Advice for Us Young Bucks

[Traffer]

I love it!


No offense intended, but you must have had some pretty terrible "religion".

I've often heard over the years from "churchy" folks how you must be "close to God" to have a good marriage. While I see a grain of truth there, it's demonstrably untrue. For example, I have a coworker who is literally a "God-hater". He claims to be agnostic/atheist, but on the rare occasion he says anything about it, I realize that nobody could possible have that much hate for someone they don't believe in (he lost children). He and his wife appear to have a very strong marriage, very close and caring, do anything for each other.

The grain of truth I mentioned is this: I believe the key to success is following what I consider "Christian principles" on the subject, primarily faithfulness, selflessness, kindness, unconditional love. Call them "universal principles" if the word "Christian" offends you, or whatever, but they are principles promoted in the Bible. There are many, many Christian couples who don't live this way, who fail in their relationships, and their are plenty of non-Christian couple who do live this way and succeed.

I've seen far too many "super-Christian" couples crash and burn, and nice, church-going families implode, to buy into the idea that merely putting a label on yourself and sitting in a pew every week will save your marriage. You've got to live it.

Again I would ask, "How would you define 'being close to God'"?
When I say that, What I mean is actually being close to God. Not someone who says or thinks they are close to God. Seriously, What does it mean to TRULY be close to God?
How does this affect you... "But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God".

[Thundarstick]

Only works if BOTH in the relationship believe and act that way.

[Wag]

I love it!


No offense intended, but you must have had some pretty terrible "religion".

I've often heard over the years from "churchy" folks how you must be "close to God" to have a good marriage. While I see a grain of truth there, it's demonstrably untrue. For example, I have a coworker who is literally a "God-hater". He claims to be agnostic/atheist, but on the rare occasion he says anything about it, I realize that nobody could possible have that much hate for someone they don't believe in (he lost children). He and his wife appear to have a very strong marriage, very close and caring, do anything for each other.

The grain of truth I mentioned is this: I believe the key to success is following what I consider "Christian principles" on the subject, primarily faithfulness, selflessness, kindness, unconditional love. Call them "universal principles" if the word "Christian" offends you, or whatever, but they are principles promoted in the Bible. There are many, many Christian couples who don't live this way, who fail in their relationships, and their are plenty of non-Christian couple who do live this way and succeed.

I've seen far too many "super-Christian" couples crash and burn, and nice, church-going families implode, to buy into the idea that merely putting a label on yourself and sitting in a pew every week will save your marriage. You've got to live it.

I didn't mean to derail this thread. I agree, 100%, that good relationships are built on practices and principles essential to all good relationships. I didn't mean to imply and I didn't say that a religion creates a bad relationship.

What I will say, though, is that religion itself is not a guarantee of a good relationship. It's not a guarantee of anything, actually but I digress slightly.

Look, I don't hate god. I don't believe there is a god so, as you say, how could I hate such a being?

Back to the OP, though, good relationships rely on a lot of qualities that have to be present together in order to succeed. A good marriage requires love. That love should inspire both in the marriage to be willing to do whatever it takes to ensure the success of the partner. That willingness will drive the desire to learn how to communicate better, to give up personal selfishness and to claim the need for one's own success as well. You can give a 100% to the relationship but you also have to be willing to accept the 100% that your mate offers you.

It can be tricky in the details, but that's a start....

Anyhoo, I was married to my first and only wife for 27 years and it was the best time of my life. What makes me truly happy, though, is that I'm 100% confident that it was the best time of her life as well. She was my best friend and my favorite friend. My true love in every way, just as I was hers.

--Wag--

[Traffer]

I should have stated my post differently.
To just throw out there that being close to God secures a good marriage is not really encouraging. What I should have said it this:
My wife is greatly encouraged by the fact that she sees me on my knees submitting to God in prayer on a regular basis. This practice helps me to stay humble before God and she appreciates that. Here are some of it's features:
Submitting myself to God in prayer helps me to see what an incredible blessing my wife. It gives her a big sense of security to know her man is attempting to live according to God's will. It creates in her a confidence in me as well as a general sense of security in life.
As I am willing to submit to God's will, she is more likely to willingly submit to my leadership.
These are just a few things it does for Her.
What it does for me is ...well...it gives me the ability to maintain a changed life. A life not spent for selfish pursuits but for the Glory of God...(I certainly am not really good at this but without a commitment to God on my knees it would be impossible...out of the question...)
So these are just some of the ways it produces the correct environment for our marriage to succeed. It provides the foundation to build on the practices and principals that create a loving successful marriage relationship. I used to tell my friends "If you want your wife to respect you, let her see you on your knees before God every morning..."

[Texas by God]

June 13th 1987 I went dancing with my sister's secretary. That's the last thing I remember......
Just kidding. December 31 1987 we married. Still bobbing and weaving and loving it. She is the best person I know; we still have "IT". My advice is to treat her better than you treat yourself and good life follows.

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[jonp]

Sweetheart and I never talk in the phone, never a serious argument and have each other's backs. Took me over 40yrs to find the right one but she is mine and not letting her go for any money

[Walks]

It was 38yrs for Us last month.

Marriage is a COMPROMISE between two people who LOVE EACH OTHER.

NEVER, EVER CALL EACH OTHER NAMES. Even many years down the road it will still be in the back of your mind.

Say "I Love You" every day. When She comes home from anywhere, get up off your butt and Kiss & Hug Her.

Many more things, Most Important: RESPECT Each Other, and show it.

[Thundarstick]

Walks, that's some good advice!

One other thing, never, never, never, ever air out your dirty laundry to coworkers etc. My wife and I are appalled at how so many of our coworkers disrespect and down their spouses to others in public. If you want your marriage to fail and fail quick, keep doing this, instead of being a better spouse.

[dangitgriff]

Don’t ever get married. It’s not worth it.

Relationships (with the opposite sex) aren’t for everyone, that’s for sure. Women today sure as hell don’t make it easier, or even appealing, after fighting for two centuries in this country to break out of their role in society that was a hundred thousand years in the making. Now they have everything they wanted and surprise, surprise...neither man nor woman is happy in the USA—and the man still gets the blame for it all.
Can’t we at least give credit to the women who still realize their value as wives, mothers and homemakers? A reversion to the more traditional roles for men and women seems like a damn fine good first step to rebuilding relationships between the sexes.
Here’s a video (18:37 long) on how women hold the power to destroy societies, culture & nations:
https://youtu.be/mFTSt-A2Cls
R/Griff

[Frosty Boolit]

You need jobs that can support a family with a single income before a woman can be a homemaker. Oops, we sent all of those to foreign countries.

[Frosty Boolit]

I've been thinking about this one for a few days... This may be simply stated but sometimes simple is best. I've been married since I was 21, for a little over 16 years. I think that knowing when to lead and knowing when to follow is what has made my marriage so strong. I'm not sure how I knew which way to go but I guess I've just trusted my gut.

[fatelk]

You need jobs that can support a family with a single income before a woman can be a homemaker. Oops, we sent all of those to foreign countries.

Some women are career-driven, but I think more often than not there is a natural maternal desire to stay home and raise a family. My wife put her career on hold 15 years ago when our oldest came along, and we've been raising four kids on a single income. It is NOT easy, and we pinch pennies pretty tight. We'd have money coming out our ears if we never had kids, but I wouldn't trade my kids for all the money in the world.

All men are different, and all women are different. Generalizations about what they want or what they respect are just that, generalizations.

For example, I have two different friends, both of whom went through marital trouble in recent years. They're about the same age, similar background and income level, both church-going Christians, both family men with kids, both named Bob. (Until I wrote this I never realized how similar they are)

Bob#1- his wife left him and took the kids. He put very little effort into reconciliation. He told me it was her problem, and she just needed to get over it. He said she was mad because he had told her she needed to get a real job and start contributing to the family income, instead of just raising the kids. They divorced and he found another one last I heard. I felt terrible for his kids.

Bob#2- his wife left him and took the kids. He was distraught and went to the ends of the earth to get her back. She put him through hell, expecting him to walk away, and giving him every chance to. He did whatever it took and everything is good now, better than ever. In her defense, it was mostly his fault, which he readily admits. I've known her for her whole life; she was almost like a sister to me. She was well worth fighting for.

As much as I hate divorce, I do realize that not all relationships can be salvaged. I have a sister-in-law who really should have divorced her ex long before she did. She put in years of effort, and all she got in return was ridicule and abuse.

Traffer- I really didn't mean to knock your advice. I try to live much like you do, and agree with you more than not.

[Dukeconnor]

Personally I would have married someone I really liked as a person.
Not just a smokin hottie.

I don't care what the woman looks like. You will get sick of her if she isn't a good person.

A good job also helps.

My first was a women that would give men wiplash as they spin around to look at her.
My second was beautiful on the outside and inside. The inside part is more important and it doesn't hurt that she had a good career.

My third will probably be a Labrador.

[Bantou]

My third will probably be a Labrador.

I’ve told my wife if something happens to her, I’m not getting remarried. We have been training each other for nearly 15 years (we started dating on and off in high school and then again in college). I have 0 interest in starting over training or being trained.


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[Thundarstick]

I’ve told my wife if something happens to her, I’m not getting remarried. We have been training each other for nearly 15 years (we started dating on and off in high school and then again in college). I have 0 interest in starting over training or being trained.


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I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard this story, and then their married inside of three years!

[BrutalAB]

You need jobs that can support a family with a single income before a woman can be a homemaker. Oops, we sent all of those to foreign countries.

Not just shipped to foreign countries, but also the wages of those that stayed here got split into fake jobs with no real responsibilites or duties with certainly inflated wages so that the women can have jobs.

[Good Cheer]

Our love of Jesus Christ, how He has taken care of us, how He has acted upon our prayers, intervened in our lives, where we live, how we live; His presence has been blessings to our lives and of course to our marriage. The knowledge that He is real is foundational to our world and therefore to our marriage. Over the years we've become convinced that He had a hand in us being brought together.

OK, I understand that a lot of people can't go there. Not a problem. What we've experienced is ours and what anyone else has experienced is theirs. Part of the experiences of our life together has included seeing interventions. After a while you get a big grin and stop being just totally gobsmack shocked.

We've had a pretty good run and yet we still don't like it when we aren't together whether it's shopping, shooting, fishing, whatever. It's FDR monthly happy cash time, getting back a smidgen of what was stole from us. We're entering that time of life we've seen others go through, the preps for being ready to go home. When she goes I think her brother Ronnie just might be there for her. Lost him in a chopper off a Vietnamese beach but he's dropped by a couple of times since. As for me, knowing that the reason we came to this world was to leave it, that's foundational to the values of my love for her and our marriage.

OK, now for the really heavy stuff. Marital advice. Already covered that part about how good it is to be "equally yoked" to keep the furrows straight. So yeah, the advice...

Womens is like cats. If you wasn't gonna spoil 'em why would you have one?

[CoRifleman]

Walks, that's some good advice!

One other thing, never, never, never, ever air out your dirty laundry to coworkers etc. My wife and I are appalled at how so many of our coworkers disrespect and down their spouses to others in public. If you want your marriage to fail and fail quick, keep doing this, instead of being a better spouse.

Thundar - Spot on. SAME TEAM. Keep it IN HOUSE. And remember that when it's bad outside - or maybe even inside - she's/he's the ONE person you CHOSE to have your back. Don't forget that, and find a partner that also won't forget that.

[Geezer in NH]

Don't

Answered in post #12 Best in all answers.

Note I will be married 50 years in March 2021

[Scrounge]

Womens is like cats. If you wasn't gonna spoil 'em why would you have one?

Way I heard it was "Women and cats." Translated for you guys who don't realize you're half female, on your mother's side, "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs might as well relax to it."