Have some issues.... kind of hard to talk about and keep a straight face. I feel like my mind is cracking trying cope. It seems pety but here goes. I know I need to accept it.
I am 33 year old active duty. I have always known I will die. But I never really thought of it. Never even wondered what death felt like. I have been deployed 4 times, two were combat zones with live fires and two were cushy deployments but North Korea launched missiles at us. I never once thought I would die, I only thought about how much that would hurt. Last deployment I had a medical emergency while over seas. I ran 4 miles and could barely hold consciousness. I lost my hearing and my eye sight was like static on the TV. I was barely hanging on to consciousness. My only thought was not hear or now. I became dehydrated and my body shut down. I blacked out 6 times. I learned what death feels like. It scared me, but I only had trouble sleeping.
I came home. And was having problems sleeping. It downed on me, I was afraid of sleeping because to me that's what death feels like. As soon as I made that connection a deep well of black feer welled in me and knew I found my problem. I haven't dreamed in years and a dream is a treasure to me that happens rarely. Most time when I sleep it's down the well of black nothing, I sit there for a few minutes. Then it feels like a giant hand rips me out of oblivion so I can put my uniform on and go back to work.
I learned that I am afraid to die. I see death behind ever door now and its eating me. Its sucked the happiness out of me but has giving me much more respect and love and compassion that I never even knew I was lacking. I have been living my life as a monster and never saw it until now. I was so selfish and mean that I can't even begin to fathom how to make a mends to those I have hurt. I held my wife's hand now and yesterday she stopped and looked at me, she said you hardly ever hold my hand. I told her it was because she loved it and I wanted to make her happy. She cried tears of joy. I never realized how selfish I was. An hour ago i was crying because my wife has medical problems and who is going to take care of her when I die.
I can't say or write I am afraid of death with out be racked with fear and dread and un controlled tears.
So I turned to my religion that has been heavily neglected. My grandmother and grandfather passed while I was deployed a year apart. I always thought they went to heaven and were watching over me and were with me. I am a Christian, or thought I was, said I was. I started reading and researching. What it is to die and what happens next. I never knew how wrong I was about it. Jesus says we go to sleep. The dead are unaware and cannot see or think or feel. There we rest until Jesus resurrects us. Well, so we don't go to heaven...
Thessalonians is one of the few books of the Bible I have read. All of it makes since now and made it harder now to take pleasure in life, because I know it's all pointless and all will be lost in the generations forgotten.
Reading about how the body returns to the dust it came from. The breath of life returns to God who gave it. That fills me with more dread. I always thought we had immortal souls, but I was wrong. I have been such a horrible man. I know to get forgiveness for sins you have to stop sinning. I am divorced but remarried, so what do I do? I also need to get baptized, oddly I am the only person in my Catholic family, not baptized (my mom says she was a single working mom raising two boys and she just never got to it, I am not mad at her and I understand).
I haven't reloaded or shot in 2 weeks because it just didn't give me joy like it used to. I am tired all the time and am having panic attacks and unreasonable fears and anxiety. I am tired all the time and afraid to sleep.
Yes, I talked to a doctor. He gave me a script, I haven't taken it. I read the side effects and those triggered my fears. I feel we have to face life and learn to cope on our own. Doctor is a good friend of mine. My other friend is counselor and we had a long talk. I have been talking to friends and co workers so I am not suffering alone. I do plan on scheduling an appointment with the Chaplain.
I need to get through this so I can get back to enjoying life.
I believe. I love my God and Jesus. I also know when I grieve they grieve with me. When I am weakest is when they carry me. They fill me with hope, love and dread all at the same time. I can't sleep peacefully without reciting the Lords Prayer and reading Psalms 23.
I have been surrounded by loss and death my whole life. My selfishness never allowed me to truly grieve for them or understand what the departed went through. All men are made equal in death.
My wife's and I desire to live a long healthy life is leading us to work out and quit tobacco. We have to die, but no need to suffer more than necessary.
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