What do you do? Mother and assisted living

[higgins]

If you have in-home caregivers for her, no matter how good or nice the family thinks they are, get everything of value out of her house; not just banking records but jewelry, guns, anything small and valuable. You won't be seen as harsh or untrusting, it's just the prudent thing to do.

[Handloader109]

Watsupi, I agree 100%, Mom is ready, just like most folks that aren't in terrible pain, she wants to hand on as long as possible.
and Higgins, yeah, we need to get on that. She's still writing checks, keeps just a bit of cash, but does have stuff that is valuable that should be moved. I'll have a discussion with brother.

[Winger Ed.]

Keeping Mom at home as long as possible will be the hardest task you've ever done, but you will never have any regrets for doing it.

When our folks got old, they shuffled along instead of picking their feet up to walk so we picked up all the rugs and any 'trip hazard'.
If someone comes in to help, take out everything you don't want to be stolen.
And remove anything, or any piece of paper that could possibly be used for identity theft.

[William Yanda]

Hi.
Brother, I feel your pain, and I'm living it now. You have my prayers and sympathy. As others have said, if possible, try to honor your mom's wishes and let her stay where it's comfortable and familiar, but know it will be with risk. It seems your younger brother has done a great job so far, but it must take a pretty big toll on him and his family as well. I think it would be unfair to burden him any more than he already is. If you haven't already done so, I strongly suggest your family get her a "life alert" type device that she can wear as a necklace or wristband. Both my MIL and my beloved bride who passed in 2017 wore one. If she has another fall, and is still cognizant/aware, she can summon help. There are several good companies that provide the service. PM me if you'd like to know which one we used (and I highly recommend.) As for 24-hour in home care/sitting, it's crazy expensive, and as you pointed out, you aren't always sure about the quality of the people performing the task. You might want to start the search for Assisted Living facilities near her, just so you know what's available and the cost. They definitely aren't all equal, and some are head and shoulders above others in quality. This will come at a price, but it's a "you get what you pay for" kind of thing. Of all the things that suck about getting older, taking care of aging parents is probably one of the worst. I'm more than happy to talk to you off-line about this and my experiences. Just shoot me a PM if you're interested. Best of luck to you and God bless,
Ed

Lifealert (Personal Emergency Response Systems) are available that detect falls and initiate the call automatically. The call can be interrupted if appropriate. Ed's recommendation occurred to me, as I work part time installing such systems and they are intended to allow someone to remain at home as long as possible.

[Elkins45]

My dad lost a leg in Korea so when he started getting arthritis it hit him harder than most folks his age. He took the decision out of my hands by admitting himself to the Kentucky Veterans Home when he decided he was no longer able to care for himself. I wanted him to get in-home care but in the end he was always going to do what he had decided. He had seen a newspaper article about the facility when it opened, and his sister later told me that he had decided that was where he wanted to be if he couldn’t be at home.

He was there for almost two years before he died, and other than trips to the VA hospital and a couple of short car rides with me he never left the place. I tried to get him to come home for Christmas Day and he wouldn’t. He told me that if he went home he was afraid he wouldn’t want to leave again. It breaks my heart to think about that even now.

My wife commented after he died what a good father he had been because he took on the decision for his own care and didn’t leave it for us to have to figure out. I hadn’t thought of it that way but she was right: he did his very best to be a good father right to the end.

Since your mom has long-term care insurance that will cover in-home care then you have a lot of choices. It’s never a great situation to be in, but at least you have the means to afford the best options.

[Greg S]

The biggest thing is protecting them from themselves. An aunt who we shared in daily visits ect since a light stroke fell and broke here hip. At the hospital, the doc said pretty much begining of the end since she'll have 30 days rehab ect. The bottom line was now, she has lost mobility and she won't regain that. She actually recovered quite well but had difficulties with pain ect. Got real sick about a year out and they determined that she had picked up a mersa infection during her last visit. To treat it was the same hip replacement again and removal of infected tissue. We moved her straight from rehab into an assisted living community cottage. She slowly regained but not as the first and continued to have problems to the point she gave up and quit eating.

[David2011]

God bless those of you that have had to deal with this and for the agony it has caused you. In their mid 80s my parents are still living at home and self sufficient other than the home repairs that I take care of for them. Little stuff like hanging the rain gauge, replacing a light switch, assemble a new patio bench, etc. The home is in like new condition so it doesn't need much. Dad is starting to let Mom drive more. Arthritis and age related nerve damage have left him with marginal use of his hands. I fear the day that one or both can no longer live alone. Other than arthritis neither has any health issues that require prescription meds at this point. It helps a little so see what others of like mind have done.

[Cast_outlaw]

Good for you letting he stay in the home she loves. As for the falls there is a fall detector in the form of a necklace pendent, it also has an button on it, if it detects a fall it automatically and calls help. my mom knows a guy who has one at a assisted living facility, he dropped it and they were through his door befor he could pick it up. it also has a button she can push if it’s a slower fall, might be a good idea to get one if she continues to live at home. events like the three falls will be detected and emergency personnel will respond. best of luck

[Handloader109]

Posts confirm our decision. She has so far not been walking since last fall. Left her too weak. Getting better but instead of just a day or so, it might be 2 weeks the way it looks.

But she's still fighting. Btw, brother fired her worst woman, yep. Forging her time record, kind of surprised it got past mom. (Her mind is still sharp, she had a pile of money at Christmas divided up and I just checked it for her.) Oh, she doesn't keep more than $20 in small Bills at home.

So yes, there are bad apples. No matter who you think might be decent. One last handgun out of house. Jewelry will be gone. She has hid well, but that doesn't matter.

Alert bracelet should be there today. But 24 7 care is being done.
Thanks for kind words and suggestions

Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

[georgerkahn]

In very much the same "boat" as you are now in, the "smart" move at the time was to hire a "Nanny for Granny" person who would come in daily, Monday thru Fridays, and help mom; do light housework; prepare meals; and, provide both company and ability to ring for assistance if -- God forbid -- it was required.
Bion, although incredibly (imho) expensive -- she got $15.50/hr., plus added "under the table" $150.00 for one and one-half days each and every week-end, in terms of care -- it was worth it. The most sad note, though, after mom's passing, was our seeing she wrote cheques to herself, her sisters, and her friends for "care" -- she'd write, say, "$150.00" in the check-book register -- but -- we'd find in bank statement the cheque was really written for $280.00... and, so on. My dad had kept an emergency fund envelope which, a week before mom's passing had ~$2,300.00 in it -- when we got to house with NCA long gone, there was but ONE ten dollar bill in the folder. (We were "lucky", so the local police told me, as total larceny was in $10K range -- a fraction of what REGULARLY they are advised of. And, they ever so strongly advised AGAINST pressing any charges, etc, -- suggesting at the least the NCA or her family might torch the house or ???, as unless one of her checque-receiving friends rats her out, or, (to quote the Sergeant), "she finds Jesus" -- the ONLY thing to do is just chalk it up as "people".
Whatever you elect to do -- again, the LEO advised our $10K loss was a pittance compared to others, on the average of once a week, which they are informed of, be careful! That I reside 430 miles from mom's -- again similar to your paradigm -- surely didn't help, exacerbated by pretty much all of her local friends had predeceased her. You have quite the challenge, and again, best wishes!
geo

[Mr_Sheesh]

In addition to not tempting even the honest caregivers with valuables, it's a rather GOOD idea to not leave some medications where they could "accidentally" scuttle off into someone's pocket. Darn pills have been known to do that if not kept locked up. GF I had, we had an organizer (MediPlanner II I think) and I'd fill it weekly so she could keep that under control, kept the serious meds (narcotics) locked up so they didn't vanish. Reduced the occasional inventory issues.

[lightman]

This is a tough situation to be in and the correct thing to do is not always the same for everyone. My Mother is the last of both sets of our parents. I hate to say it but I can tell that She is going to be a problem if She ever gets so that She can't care for herself. My MIL recently passed away, at 93, but She told everyone that She didn't want to be a burden to anyone and to put Her in a nursing home when the time came. It never came to that but that was just the was She was.

Your Brother is to be commended for what He is doing. Thats not easy, what with a job, family ect.

I wish you Luck in these decisions.

Personally, this is the kind of stuff that made me less afraid of being electrocuted or having a bad accident! Just saying..........

[Handloader109]

Update, MD had been called last week, finally got the home health nurse to come in yesterday. Exam by her showed issue with O2 levels and felt she needed to be seen. So emergency room yesterday at noon. Fluid in both lungs, pneumonia in one. Antibiotics given. Possibility of heart issue, she has had murmor for decades, but this may be worse. Scan and more xrays today, we'll see. Hospitals are all backed up, one wouldn't admit, where she's at has her in staging room. We'll see, I'll probably head down Saturday. She's strong, but pneumonia can take you quick.

[castalott]

She needs You, your time, and your Love more than ever... You will never regret what you do for her and will only wish you had done more. My mom was in the home 2 years and 11 months... I missed 11 days and 7 were when I was in the hospital.

Be prepared to have your poor Heart torn out of your body.... When your mom cries she wants to go home or you find her sitting in her wheelchair looking out the window and crying... It has been 5 years and those memories still sting.....

[Bazoo]

Do for her what you would want for yourself when you're old and feeble.

[Detroitdanm]

My mom is 89, had been on her own in a retirement apartment until last summer dealing with increasing frailties (severe arthritis, knees bone on bone, nueropothy in her hands and very limited mobility with her arms and the after effects of a-fib). When she had a fall and ended up in rehab she was at first going to go back, but she had essentially become apartment bound hardly doing anything. She was really against assisted living though that was what she needed, until I convinced her to at least go look at a facility run by the same folks that ran her rehab facility and she saw how nice it was. She’s been there about 6mos and it’s been a real blessing. She has a far more active social life, is out of her apartment 3x a day for meals and companionship. They do her laundry, pass her meds, help her with her showers and she has a very nice efficiency where she can be by herself if she wants. The only real downside is she dislikes the cable system for TV and we need to figure a better layout for her to see TV better from her bed. It’s made her life far fuller and has been a good move.

[Mr_Sheesh]

Detroitdanm - I use a laptop to view TV through my cable system (it's a streaming service from Comcast, viewed through a web browser), you can do that through NetFlix (web browser viewing again) if everything she wants to see is on there; There are other options like mounting a LCD TV on a rolling cart, or a wall mount with a hinged arm, or even on the ceiling. Lots of possibilities, just have to see what works best for her.

[Handloader109]

Minor update, She spent 10 days in hospital trying to recover from pneumonia. Got well enough they sent her home. Spend about 5-6 days at home, and went back in, this time to the hospital we wanted her in to begin with.
Weak as a kitten, can't stand, but appears to be getting a bit better. Probably home in middle next week unless she takes a bad turn.
For you guys that can get your family member into a living facility that is decent, do it. I won't complain about the insurance for her assisted living any more than say they do hate to pay out any money.