If you want light and have the budget I had Tom scale down a TC design from .45 to .44 at 165 grs (#43-165B). It works great as a light plinker from my 1894. I don't have a .44 handgun so haven't tried it there but fast powder and that light boolit should work fine for light to fairly high velocity loads without a lot of recoil. Accurate has several othe rdesigns in that weight now too which they didn't before so there must be others that like the lightweight boolits.
http://www.accuratemolds.com/catalog.php?page=12
That #43-165R with large meplat looks like it would be good for defense.
More common is the 180 gr. boolit weight and lots of load data available. That should also produce light recoil.
In short, I'd be looking at a lighter boolit.
Longbow