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Thread: A lost child.

  1. #21
    Boolit Buddy ol skool's Avatar
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    Been there. Draw some hard lines, never back down. Be open and ready to help but by your standards, the ones he grew up with. Since he chooses the hard life then he has to be free enough to finally lick the bottom of the systems boot. Eventually all his lying, thieving friends and cheating women will let him down and he'll figure it out. Probably while sitting in a jail cell.

    Learn how to use your city and county online jail intake records, how to deposit a few bucks for phone calls, emails and how to visit. They listen real good when wearing a striped suit. The third time seems to really wake a fellow up. Mug shots and arrest records showing up when he google's his name usually has an impact too. Have a scrap book I made for him. He hates it. Yeah the nightmare is over - finally.
    Last edited by ol skool; 11-11-2018 at 03:00 AM.
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    I resent it when other people try to inflict their ideas of betterness on me. I donít think they know. And I canít see any authority on the horizon thatís got any answers that seem worthwhile. FZ

  2. #22
    Boolit Master
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    I sat my youngest son down on the steps when he was 16 and told him, "I can protect you from many things in life, but I can't protect you from yourself! ". That was 11 years of lying, steeling, drug use, rehabilitation, fines, a multitude of jobs, courts, heart break, and incarceration hell ago! Today he sits in a county jail waiting to go into the state prison system. Advice, find a support group! Really learn the difference between "helping" and enabling. AL-Anon has saved my sanity and probably my marriage and life!

  3. #23
    Boolit Grand Master



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    I will also pray for Dalton...
    "Come unto Me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
    Home built Matchlock similar to what an early 1600 Colonial soldier might have.

  4. #24
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    Thank you for venting/sharing; you indeed have several major challenges. You and your son are now in my prayers, and I wish him, and you, a good resolve. While being ignorant of your paradigm, from what you indicated the "friend" of your son is the one I'd be most concerned with. Your son is at a very impressionable age, and this fellow may be his "role model" -- whereas the lad may in fact be totally using your son for his own agenda.
    Again..... BEST!
    geo

  5. #25
    Boolit Master
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    I know how it feels to be in your situation as I have been there wit one of my sons, I agree with Thundarstick get some help for yourself by joining a group of like minded parents. I hope and pray it all works out for you but I feel that kids in that situation rarely come good before a major learning experience, I am more worried about you Sir, you will be no help to him or yourself if you allow this to run you down to the point your health suffers. Regards Stephen

  6. #26
    Boolit Master

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    Quote Originally Posted by jonp View Post
    Change your locks, get a safe if you don't have one already and make sure your valuables are in it. Not so much for your son but whoever he is running with and he/they don't sound too hot.

    Sorry to hear of your troubles. My oldest sister was the same. Run away, drugs, theft etc...finally killed herself on drugs. Tough stuff but you sounded like you did the best you can do. Don't blame yourself, sometimes no matter what you do it is not enough.
    I would do as you discribed, jonp. It appears he has chosen his path, let him go. Don't bring hardship and misery upon yourself over his actions.
    Don't coddle him or bail him out of whatever he has gotten himself into.
    It will be easier for him to see the light when his life is the darkest.
    If he was involved with the robbery he should pay the full price for his actions.
    Political correctness is a national suicide pact.

    I am a sovereign individual, accountable
    only to God and my own conscience.

  7. #27
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    Prayers for Dalton. This is a long tough road and usually doesn’t end up how we’d want it to. Stay strong brother.

  8. #28
    Boolit Master

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    I'm prayin hard for both of you! My family is going through the same thing with a nephew and it ain't lookin too good. I hope and pray your outcome turns out better.

  9. #29
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    1911sw45's Avatar
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    Definitely change all the locks to your house. It's time for tough love. Please don't bail him out. He needs to learn life's hard lessons. I know you want to do everything for your boy. I been there. There is not good outcome if you try to help. He's going to continue to lie to you. I am sorry and your in my prayers.

    1911sw45
    Adam

  10. #30
    Boolit Master
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    I may get slammed for this and I really don't mean to be harsh - I do sympathize with your situation - but . . .

    You and his mother divorced 12 years ago and now he's 16 . . so he was 4 and certainly old enough to hear many things while you two were "separating". He comes to live with you - he takes off - and you still go to do a gun show? How many times in the past have you gone to do things you wanted instead of maybe spending time with him?

    The kid is 16 - some of you say that he's chosen his own path? He hasn't closed his path . . he's taken a path because he's lost and most likely has been for a long time trying to figure out what his place is between his two parents. Just curious . . . how many times have you and your ex-wife recognize that he was having issues . . . maybe grades going down or other crys for attention from you two? How many times di you and your ex-wife go to get some joint counseling with your son to try and work together as a team in raising him so he knew he had a loving home with each of you? You say his mother can;t deal with it anymore . . . that's a great attitude for a mother to have in regards to her son.

    He may be 16 but he's still is a kid. Has he made mistakes? Certainly. But that's no reason to give up on him by either his mother or you. He just didn't all of a sudden "end up this way" . . . it's been simmering for probably the whole 12 years that you and his mother have been apart.

    I've seen this in my own family with my brother-in-law. Of course, he's only been married 3 times - had two sets of kids and when he divorced the first wife, the kids got divorced as well from him - the same with the second wife and two kids. Now they are grown up and repeating the whole thing over again by divorces and leaving kids behind and focusing on new wife and new kids.

    I'm not saying that you are entirely at fault for what is happening - you aren't. But until you and your ex-wife grow up and accept some of the responsibility . . . and get help together along with your son that you share . . . it isn't going away. There's a lot going on with your son and until you all wake up and recognize that you all have a part in it . . . he may just continue on to the road of destruction.

    Sometimes tough love is needed when it comes to kids . . and sometimes tough love is needed when it comes to parents as well. He's not a "bad seed" . . . he's a kid who has been back and forth with is mother and father like a ping pong ball . . . and that isn't his fault. More than likely, he has felt like he was part of the reason why you two split up and has a lot of insecurity about that and wondering if he is really loved. Buy a kid a phone, airlift stuff and all the rest is no substitute for s pending time with a parent and feeling like he is loved and wanted.

    It's still not too late . . . if he's made some bad decisions . . . that's human and your job as his parents is to step in and all get some help and try to make things right . . . even if it's probably twelve years of hime simmering over what he perceives as his problems . . . which some may be and some may be "your problems" (you and your ex) that have been put on him through no fault of his own.

    I certainly hope that you and your ex-wife don't "write him off" . . . the kid needs help or when it comes time for him to have a family of his own . . . he'll repeat the same mistakes that he has been taught by his family. If he has siblings . . . not every kid is the same and maybe they are more able to cope with everything that they've seen and had to put up with . . . or maybe not. Until someone breaks the "chain", generations are bound to repeat themselves.

    Good luck and I hope he comes home and all of you can get yourselves straightened out so he can lead a productive life.

  11. #31
    Boolit Buddy Remmy4477's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bedbugbilly View Post
    I may get slammed for this and I really don't mean to be harsh - I do sympathize with your situation - but . . .

    You and his mother divorced 12 years ago and now he's 16 . . so he was 4 and certainly old enough to hear many things while you two were "separating". He comes to live with you - he takes off - and you still go to do a gun show? How many times in the past have you gone to do things you wanted instead of maybe spending time with him?

    The kid is 16 - some of you say that he's chosen his own path? He hasn't closed his path . . he's taken a path because he's lost and most likely has been for a long time trying to figure out what his place is between his two parents. Just curious . . . how many times have you and your ex-wife recognize that he was having issues . . . maybe grades going down or other crys for attention from you two? How many times di you and your ex-wife go to get some joint counseling with your son to try and work together as a team in raising him so he knew he had a loving home with each of you? You say his mother can;t deal with it anymore . . . that's a great attitude for a mother to have in regards to her son.

    He may be 16 but he's still is a kid. Has he made mistakes? Certainly. But that's no reason to give up on him by either his mother or you. He just didn't all of a sudden "end up this way" . . . it's been simmering for probably the whole 12 years that you and his mother have been apart.

    I've seen this in my own family with my brother-in-law. Of course, he's only been married 3 times - had two sets of kids and when he divorced the first wife, the kids got divorced as well from him - the same with the second wife and two kids. Now they are grown up and repeating the whole thing over again by divorces and leaving kids behind and focusing on new wife and new kids.

    I'm not saying that you are entirely at fault for what is happening - you aren't. But until you and your ex-wife grow up and accept some of the responsibility . . . and get help together along with your son that you share . . . it isn't going away. There's a lot going on with your son and until you all wake up and recognize that you all have a part in it . . . he may just continue on to the road of destruction.

    Sometimes tough love is needed when it comes to kids . . and sometimes tough love is needed when it comes to parents as well. He's not a "bad seed" . . . he's a kid who has been back and forth with is mother and father like a ping pong ball . . . and that isn't his fault. More than likely, he has felt like he was part of the reason why you two split up and has a lot of insecurity about that and wondering if he is really loved. Buy a kid a phone, airlift stuff and all the rest is no substitute for s pending time with a parent and feeling like he is loved and wanted.

    It's still not too late . . . if he's made some bad decisions . . . that's human and your job as his parents is to step in and all get some help and try to make things right . . . even if it's probably twelve years of hime simmering over what he perceives as his problems . . . which some may be and some may be "your problems" (you and your ex) that have been put on him through no fault of his own.

    I certainly hope that you and your ex-wife don't "write him off" . . . the kid needs help or when it comes time for him to have a family of his own . . . he'll repeat the same mistakes that he has been taught by his family. If he has siblings . . . not every kid is the same and maybe they are more able to cope with everything that they've seen and had to put up with . . . or maybe not. Until someone breaks the "chain", generations are bound to repeat themselves.

    Good luck and I hope he comes home and all of you can get yourselves straightened out so he can lead a productive life.
    Far from out of line! I hear you and understand what your saying.
    Honestly I did not know he was having problems when he lived with his mom. I'd talk with my son during the week to plan our weekend. His mother never told me she was having problems with him till he ran away from her place. She has always had an 'I don't care' attitude when it came to the kids, in fact everything in general.

    Already looking into some counseling for him and me if nothing else and see if we can get a handle on whats going on if and when he is found or comes home of his own free will.
    Rewards, he earned what he was givin through chores, grades and extra work around the house.
    I'm not perfect in this and I know that.
    I learn stuff everyday.
    And I tell you this has been a learning experience!

  12. #32
    Boolit Buddy

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    Some people only learn the hard way. My oldest son would not believe anything you told him when he was little. Remember one time the stove eye was red hot, told him it was hot and would burn if he touched it, turned my back and he put his hand on it. Been that way all of his life. Only calls when he is in trouble, last time I told him could not help him, that he is on his own. Every one has live their life even with all the good and bad.

  13. #33
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    I'm praying for you and your wife, and your son. I've only one daughter who couldn't have been better. But, my BIL went through this 30 yrs ago after his parents divorced when he was 12. Tough without father figure. Boys need fathers, no matter what the liberals say. More than mothers.. women can't make men out of boys.
    But be safe, hes been playing you guys. Just look at the communication you posted. Lies to your face and phone.

    If he comes back, and he probably will, no phone, no money, nothing but food and a place to sleep. Hes only 16, you do have a bit of time, if he wants to change. No contact with anyone but family and school of they will take him back.

    But you two must be safe, or he and his so called friends will steal and even hurt both of you.

    Trust NOTHING THAT HE SAYS. Pay no bails, no lawyers, no nothing to get him out or reduced sentence if it comes to that. I have a niece that bled my brother for almost a decade till he wised up. He'll do it too.
    Praying for you.

    Sent from my SM-G892A using Tapatalk

  14. #34
    Boolit Master


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    I have little advice to offer in this situation as there is little absolute right and wrong The Bible tells of the prodigal son. The son hit rock bottom and the turnaround happened when "the son came to himself". I believe this is a necessary step and no help should be offered till the son wants to change. At that point you need to be there for him.

  15. #35
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    There are a world of parents just like you and I'm one of those with the exception of being still married. Like others have said, you have done all you can and it's up to the child to want to get help. Mine is no longer a minor and out of our hands, it's all on him. We can only do so much, and the Lord knows we have.

    Do not blame yourself.

    Slim
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