Handling grief

[Goatwhiskers]

Many of you blessed me with prayer back in Feb. when I lost my wife of 44 years in a vehicle accident in which I was the operator. God brought me through the shock phase, then He got me through the "blame myself" phase. Things have been pretty good for a while now, till this afternoon. Got up from a nice nap and set up the pot, then realized that it was almost 4pm, when she normally got home from school and I had only set up a short pot for me. Corrected that and turned it on, then it hit me like a 5lb hammer between the eyes that she wasn't coming home.Really set me back a bunch. Can't call my son, he's on nights, my daughter lives down at Corpus plus I'd really rather not upset her. I'm spending the evening talking it over with the Boss upstairs Things are slowly getting better it just takes time, a lot of time. Thanks for listening. GW

[Wag]

My heart goes out to you, my friend. My beautiful wife of 27 years passed away 2 years ago after long illness. Even now, it still hits me hard, quite often. It's tough. Really tough. We had what others would call a fairy tale marriage.

I can't really give you much advice except to say, talk about her all you can to those who will listen, including me. I love talking about my dear one. It's the only respite I get at all.

With that said, I understand. Believe me, I understand.

--Wag--

[Goatwhiskers]

Wag you're on my prayer list. Have just gotten to the point that I can talk.You're right, it really does help, that's why I'm so thankful I was guided to this forum. GW

[rancher1913]

you can always talk here.

[AZBronco]

Grief... "She wasn"t coming home"... I know this moment too ... I cried ..only after this moment was I able to acknowledge the loss and take comfort in the life we shared .

[AnthonyB]

My wife was my senior year high school girlfriend. We made it through 27 years. I still miss her.

[Dieselhorses]

What I am posting here is somewhat lengthy (sorry). This isn't to get attention but rather to convey that "Handling grief" is not a light subject. "Goatwhiskers" you have my deepest sympathy and prayers as well as anyone else here who has lost a loved one.

It was a hot August afternoon back in 1985 and my family an I were all doing whatever usual stuff we do on Saturdays. My Dad had commenced mowing the grass when he ran out of gas for the lawnmower and had to run and get some. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and I said was busy with something. A little while later he asked me again and I stated that I was still busy. Around 3:00 PM almost 20 minutes after I thought he had left he came to me for the third time and asked. I said I'm sorry and I just couldn't go because I was too involved. I wasn't thinking. Maybe he just needed company? Maybe there was a reason why he wanted me to accompany him. He did leave and no more than 30 minutes went by when we got a phone call from someone saying that my dad was stuck in a ditch. I immediately thought, he probably just IS stuck in a ditch considering the fact that my Dad never purchased off road tires despite living in the country. That wasn't the case.

My Mom, little brother and I rode up 4 miles to where the incident happened. Turns out there was a stop sign at the end of the highway right before the gas station where the highway "T's off". He must have went through the stop sign and another truck hit him broadside and launched him into a very deep ditch right in front of the station. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt and he ended up face down with his head pinned somewhere in the passengers floor board. All sorts of things were running through my head. My Dad was pretty healthy considering he quit smoking years before and never drank for years. He was pretty fit- always working in the yard. They put him on the stretcher and rushed him to the nearest hospital. Consequently the man driving the truck that hit him was intoxicated but never got a ticket. I still remember his name to this day.

My Dad stayed in the hospital for some weeks, with head injuries that just wouldn't heal. At first he seemed to remember some things about us, the accident and the events following. After the bills got into the ten's of thousands we had to transport him to a charity hospital in New Orleans. Things went downhill.

We went to visit him a few times a week and his mind drifted further and further. His body became frail and his interest for the mortal life dwindled. It was one day in that October 1985 my Mom got a call from the hospital saying he had passed. My brother and I didn't know how to react. My dad hadn't been around the house for some two months but there was still an impact. We just had it in our heads he would eventually return. My Mom was devestated and I did what I could to comfort her. By the way I was 20 at the time and my brother was 18. My dad was only 58.

So for the most part, yes, I think about all the ways I could have prevented this. It WAS PREVENTABLE. All I had to do was go with him! I could have sacrificed my time and whatever I was doing and JUST GO! Even if I would have went and took the fall he would still be here!!! I could have warned him, cushioned the blow SOMETHING!!! And people wonder why I'm so depressed all the time??? I was already a f'ing failure at that point, dropping out the Navy, started early with drinking, bad attitude and giving my Mom hell... Now this?

My first car my Dad helped me get (Plymouth Fury) was sitting outside. I laid into it with a 10 pound mall and broke, bent, demolished everything I could on it. I left home often usually threatening to take my life, thus putting more family members through chaos.

The girl I was dating at the time became my wife, but once again- yet another mistake. She left 20+ times but I kept taking her back over the almost 20 years we were together. When I met her she had one son who belonged to a bf in Kentucky. Right before we were married in 1987 she gave birth to MY son. 2 years later she had another who belonged to the father from the first. I still forgave her and for the stability of the family I let her stay.

So much more to write but you get the picture...(I hope)

[Goatwhiskers]

Well, I gotta tell this, 'tis my favorite story. Met this red-head gal in Feb'73 when we were seniors at TAMU, she wanted somebody to haul hay for her horse. Me, being an ignorant country boy said sure, I got a truck. We "dated" for 2 months and decided to get married in August after graduation. Went down to have Sunday dinner, meet her folks, and discuss our plans. It fell on me to make the announcment, when I did her mom said "like hexx", her dad said I'm going to get my gun, and he did. I didn't run(????), after a couple minutesof eyeball contact he said "I guess you'll do". Took her mom a little longer. Heck of a start to 44 great years. GW

[Dieselhorses]

Well, I gotta tell this, 'tis my favorite story. Met this red-head gal in Feb'73 when we were seniors at TAMU, she wanted somebody to haul hay for her horse. Me, being an ignorant country boy said sure, I got a truck. We "dated" for 2 months and decided to get married in August after graduation. Went down to have Sunday dinner, meet her folks, and discuss our plans. It fell on me to make the announcment, when I did her mom said "like hexx", her dad said I'm going to get my gun, and he did. I didn't run(????), after a couple minutesof eyeball contact he said "I guess you'll do". Took her mom a little longer. Heck of a start to 44 great years. GW

So dads really went for the gun back then!? Never had any daughters so cant fathom the feeling !

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G870A using Tapatalk

[hwilliam01]

I am so sorry....Luckily, I still have my wife, but I do have some experience with grief. Not the same as losing your wife, but about 24 years ago, my son, William, was born with severe quadriplegic cerebral palsy and all the other complications that can go with it. He can not walk, talk, or sit on his own. He has poor head control and can’t hold is head up by himself for more than a few seconds at a time. He can’t play with any toys, or play games. He is permanently restricted to a wheel chair, and since he can’t chew or hold a cup, we used to grind his food to the consistency of oatmeal, and pour milk in his mouth for him to drink. As time has marched on, his muscles atrophied and he is now on a feeding tube. He can’t do much other than what we do for him. He still lives with us at home.

It doesn't matter what the problem is...none is worse than the other because it hurts to you. I struggled with questions for years. Wasn’t much I could do about it, but I did think about it often. I had no choice but to accept it. My wife and I separately, and together, went through the normal steps of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Asking ourselves and questioning why, grieving about what would and wouldn’t be, and finally to accepting that this is the way things will be, no matter how much you want them or how much you are willing to do to change them. I can tell you that from personal experience it is not a sequential progression. You don’t go in lock step from one into the other and then progress to the next level until you have completed the steps. Some days you will be in denial, then you’ll accept it for a while, then back to questioning, back to acceptance, drifting in and out through all of these steps during various times, even sometimes skipping the intermediate steps. I’m not sure you ever leave any of them, you just kind of visit
them less frequently until you “zero in” on the final step and spend “most” of your time in the final stages and less in the earlier ones. But you will, on occasion, visit each of them again, and again, and again....

I did have an epiphany one day. He was in a (very well known) Children's Hospital going through another of the over 15 operations he has had in his life. I always stayed there with him for the few weeks as I needed to console him, since I couldn't explain what was happening to him. It was late at night...he was sleeping and I couldn't. I was walking the halls of the hospital...feeling kind of down and a little sorry for myself and him and all the things that =wouldn't be and you wished were different. I met another father who was also wondering the halls. We started a conversation..."What are you in for?" I went first and he was genuinely concerned about me....then he told me his story. His daughter was flown by helicopter Life Flight a few hours earlier after being in a car accident...she had just finished an operation and the Dr.'s were hopeful, but they didn't expect her to make it. We talked...he needed to talk....I listened. He said he had to get back as he left his wife with her to get coffee and some relief. I saw him a few hours later as he was leaving....she didn't make it, but he thanked me for the discussion and wished me the best of luck. Suddenly my problems were not so big and oddly as bad as our situation was...I still felt lucky.

Goatwhiskers….you need to talk...I'm here. ANYTIME!

Bill

[jcren]

No words, but praying for you

[Boaz]

I know for a fact your being prayed for daily GW . You got my number .

Charlie

[USMC87]

You have our prayers and know we are always here for you.

[Pine Baron]

I have no words, just prayers.

[GhostHawk]

Will never forget meeting my Father in law for the first time. He was pretty civil that first evening.

Next morning about 9am he points at me, says come. Takes me out to a corner of the yard. Points at a spot and says stand here. Then says I'm going to get my gun. He came back with it too.

After a minute he put it in my hands. I took one look and said "Roger this is loaded" Yep. See that fencepost 25 yards away with a foot square plate welded onto it? Yeah I see it.

Can you hit it?

Well the gun was a Ruger single six in .22lr. So I thought to myself, lets make this look good.
Took a one handed duelers stance, and proceeded to wang that steel plate 6 times.

Wow he says, you can SHOOT! For the next hour he ran ever gun he had on the place through my hands. By the time we were done I was the son he had always dreamed of and never had.

PS we lost roger last January, part Parkinsons, part Covid.
The one thing I was always proud of, he know he had a son in law that was going to love, provide for and protect his daughter. He knew, and I made sure he knew. In the end his passing was a blessing. The Parkinson's had racked him so badly that he could no longer sit up. Spent all day staring at his lap. They had to run all his food through a blender and he would suck it up with a straw. Anything else and he'd end up aspirating food into his lungs and he'd be fighting Pneumonia again. He was a good man and I miss him. But I have cried no tears for him. I know he is in a better place.

GW, my heart bleeds for you brother.

I worry about the day that I lose mine. No time soon I hope. I am afraid I won't be the man you are.
Your doing fine, better than you know perhaps. Carry on brother. I know its hard, but carry on.

[Harter66]

I lost my Dad about 2 months ago . I understand the empty moment thing . It's the little moments that make you just want to roll up in a ball . Some little thing I was doing for Mom the other day ,and I needed a screw driver . I went to the big tool box and opened up the usual drawer to find an assortment of pliers ......"oh right Dad's box" .........where all the Philips screw drivers ? I wish he'd put them all in one drawer ........ "dumb axx ,it's your box now put them wherever you want to" . That was just a moment. A real kick in the gut . Every now and then I get a little twinge when I'm at the bench with grandpa's scale and the old shotgun press . It's been almost 25 yr. The gut kicks pass faster quickly replaced by a reflection of some "sopping wet mad" moment and a smirk .

I always say "love should be treated like radiation , with time ,distance and shielding", that comes from a lot of loss in my life . Sometimes you have to just jump on the moment and buy it a drink and replace that moment with eggs on the floor right after complaints about socks or wet soap or some other thing that just left you 2 staring in disbelief that the eggs were on the floor when all you could do was laugh . There will always be those empty moments and gut kicks . Family helps and it helps to call just to see how everyone is doing but don't hide that you just wanted to talk a while .

[Wag]

Well, I gotta tell this, 'tis my favorite story. Met this red-head gal in Feb'73 when we were seniors at TAMU, she wanted somebody to haul hay for her horse. Me, being an ignorant country boy said sure, I got a truck. We "dated" for 2 months and decided to get married in August after graduation. Went down to have Sunday dinner, meet her folks, and discuss our plans. It fell on me to make the announcment, when I did her mom said "like hexx", her dad said I'm going to get my gun, and he did. I didn't run(????), after a couple minutesof eyeball contact he said "I guess you'll do". Took her mom a little longer. Heck of a start to 44 great years. GW

That's a great story, GW. I was going to post up to ask you tell how you met and got married. Tell more stories about her. The funny ones and the not so funny ones!

--Wag--

[fatelk]

Goatwhiskers, I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is deeply personal, and it can be crushing. Faith and friends to talk to... Please post anytime. Lots of people here who have gone through tough times that are glad to be a listening ear.

Thank you for the story; that's great! The second time I met my now-father-in-law, he got out his guns too, but it was just to show off his guns, no threat involved!

[Char-Gar]

You life will never be the same. You sense of loss will never end. If we come to a place where we no longer feel the pain, then we will no longer feel the love either. That is something that will not happen, if the love was there in the first place.

The above may seem stark and blunt, but pretending things are not as they are, won't help one bit. The good news is that as time goes by, we will have a new normal, for the old normal in gone. In that new normal there can be joy, meaning to life and a future that is bright. But to get there, we must go through the wrenching sadness of grief. We can't go around it, we can't go under it, and we can't go over it, we can only go through it.

On the way through it don't squat down in your tears and pain, keep on moving forward. Cry on the move and hurt on the run. That is the way we get through these things.

Know that you are in my prayers and that God does love you and will get you through this, if you ask him daily for strength and help.

[Goatwhiskers]

Wag, you want funny, how about the time in one of the labs out at the vet school I was supposed to remove an ovary from a rat. Just as I made the first cut she made a sudden sharp intake of breath which made me jump. Needless to say I gutted the darn rat like a fish. GW