What do you do with a son!

[poppy42]

Some of you have read my thread under helping hands titled “apology” and many asked what can I do to help and I thank all of you that asked. for those that didn’t read that post here’s a quick recap. 2017 was not the best of times for my wife and I. We moved to Virginia at my sons request in 2015. In the process of moving I fell, breaking my wrist in enough places that it required surgery, plates, and screws to be put back together. The plan was my wife and I would stay with my son, daughter inlaw, and grandchildren. After all 4 years earlier they stayed with us for 2 and a half years with there three dogs and my granddaughter. All the time not contributing one red cent for food, utilities, or anything. They didn’t know what they wanted to do with there lives. No big deal that’s what parents do. Anyway back to 2015. The daughter inlaw has since got some direction and joined the navy and in October, was up for det (mini deployment). Well there went the marriage. She told my son she no longer wanted to be married. In the mean time I was fighting with social security to get my disability, not for my wrist but for the dozen or so other surgeries I’ve had including 2 back surgery’s, 3 knee surgeries ( including a total replacement) ankle reconstruction, 2 surgeries on my other wrist, open heart surgery, and a few others. The list is to long to list. Not many original parts left. My disability finally gets approval and I get a settlement. I won’t say the amount but I’ve worked my whole life, I’m 61 and I fought with the government for over 4 years before it was awarded. I ask my son “ I know your are having a hard time do you want your mother and I to stay with you and help you? Or would you rather we got our own place?” His answer was dad that would be a big help!
And so it started I bought all the groceries mind you. Dad I don’t have the rent. Ok son I’ll lend it to you. Dad I can’t pay the lights, the water, etc. ok son I can help I’ll lend it to you. Dad I don’t have money for xmass. Son I won’t let the girls not have a xmass. You all get the idea. Meanwhile he keeps buying toys for himself, go out four wheeling wrecks the car. I lend money. I lend him money for his Divorce lawyers. By now you know were this is going. The settlement is soon gone. I say son you need to start paying me back! The bank is now empty! Understand he is not some young kid lowlife. He is thirty years old and has a good job! At the top of his game! As you can imagine things are getting a little tense but still bearable I still have faith in my son. That all changed during the fall of 2017 when my wife read his Facebook post from his now girlfriend saying how happy she was now that my son and her had rented a house and were moving. Surprise! News to mom and dad! He came home from work that night and I questioned him and yep. He was moving in 2 weeks and we needed to be out. My wife and I had no money, no place to live, no prospects, and as I soon found out no help from my son.
Well I did what a man is supposed to do. I sold what I had, kept what I must, and borrowed what I could! I found a place for my and I and my service dogs! That was October of 2017! Not much of a holiday season we still have my granddaughters Xmas gifts here. We have seen the granddaughters but that was before xmass. Not a word from my son. Not for thanksgiving, his mother’s birthday, my birthday, nor Xmas.
All this time the Facebook posts keep showing up. new guns ( 2 of my guns are still in a pawn shop including my hunting rifle) new wheels for his truck, etc... None of it necessities.

So back to my question what would you do with a son like that! I lost it tonight after his latest post! Another kick were it hurts the most! My heart! I could not take it anymore I contacted him and told him I wanted nothing more to do with him! I told him to contact me only when it was in reference to my granddaughters. If he didn’t care about his mother that I cared nothing about him.
Once again I apologize for this rantas I have no one else to rant to. It’s not like I can talk to my son I needed to vent!

[WILCO]

You can't argue with crazy. Keep track of monies lost. Try to recoup in small claims court if possible.
Other than that, move forward with your life. It's difficult, but necessary.

[725]

No apologies needed. I'd cut the apron strings and start taking care of your wife instead. Tough when you love somebody, but really the only right thing to do. Good luck.

[lightman]

Thats a tough position to be in. I would say first of all to cut the money off and take care of yourself and your Wife. If you are disabled you don't need this kind of financial drain. Maybe he will grow up some day and you can be a family again. I hope you get to see the Grandkids some. Wishing you Luck in this.

[ih772]

You were his enabler for long enough, it's about time you wised up and stopped. He needs to hit rock bottom before he'll change his behavior toward money and become a responsible adult.

[lefty o]

time to make him stand on his own 2 feet. you have to look after yourself first.

[country gent]

Since its apparent Hes not going to take help care of you, You need to focus on taking care of you your wife and dogs. Let him learn what all Dad did the hard way by not doing it anymore. Its hard to do, but its also the only way some learn. (I have a daughter that the only time I hear from her is when she needs something.) He may come around and realize what He has done sometime.

[poppy42]

Thank you all I have done so! Should he not let my wife and I see our grandchildren the glove come off! He will be in for a battle he can not imagine! I did not live this long and get this ugly being a nice guy! Other than that I want nothing to do with him!

[WILCO]

You were his enabler for long enough, it's about time you wised up and stopped.

Not really an issue for Poppy to wise up on.
A parent's heart weeps for their wayward children.
With every gift comes the belief that this time, they'll fly straight.
Broken hearts are a tough bird to mend.
Poppy42 and his wife will figure it out. No other choice.

[Hogtamer]

Poppy, I hate to complicate mattersbut have to observe this isn't "normal" behaviour. Do you suspect drug use by your son and new girlfriend? That would explain a lot.

[poppy42]

No there is absolutely no drug abuse. My son doesn’t even take aspirin. I might not know a lot but this I am sure of

[Houndog]

This is a hard row to hoe, but you have no choice but to cut him off completely and start putting yourself and your Wife first! He's not going to step up to the plate until he has a change of heart, if he ever does. Drop this whole thing in GOD's hands and let him take care of it.

[JBinMN]

It saddens me to hear more of this. I read the other topic as well & this sort of thing just bums me out.

I wish I could offer some sort of advice, but I feel I am lacking in what I could say that would or could help.

I truly wish you the best & hope that you find some solution that works out the best for all involved.

Trust in your lord.

[UKShootist]

There is a simple fact of life that cannot be altered. You cannot lead someone else's life for them. There comes a time, and forgive me for saying this, but that time was, for you, many years ago. I have six sons, one of whom died in a car wreck just before his 21st. Each of them is different. Each of them has to be treated for what they are rather than what I want them to be. One has used up his credit and will never get another penny from me. He owes me a lot, but it's not about the money, it's about his attitude towards the debt, and by association, towards me. I'll still speak and visit, he's still my son, but not another penny until he makes major changes, including paying back what he owes as a sign of respect for me (and himself).

As a separate issue, your grandchildren will be used as a weapon against you. This is quite likely a fight you cannot win, other than by enduring what is and hoping that the future will bring change. He and his new 'love' will be pouring poison in their ears and obstructing your efforts. The only people that will gain will be lawyers. The best you can hope for is to manage a one time communication to their faces to tell them how you feel about them and that you'll always be there for them. All you can then hope for is they they do not grow into your son's mould.

I wish you the very best for the future.

[Thundarstick]

We habe 4 grown children in roughly the same age bracket. I made it very clear to them all this one fact of life. At your age you can recover from stupid financial mistakes, but we can't! At our age time is against us! I'll also let you in on a secret, the one we helped the least is doing the best in life, the one we have shed the most tears and dollars over is still doing the worse! Going to his court appearance today to see if he is furloughed to a year long rehab, or the pen!

[dverna]

There is a simple fact of life that cannot be altered. You cannot lead someone else's life for them. There comes a time, and forgive me for saying this, but that time was, for you, many years ago. I have six sons, one of whom died in a car wreck just before his 21st. Each of them is different. Each of them has to be treated for what they are rather than what I want them to be. One has used up his credit and will never get another penny from me. He owes me a lot, but it's not about the money, it's about his attitude towards the debt, and by association, towards me. I'll still speak and visit, he's still my son, but not another penny until he makes major changes, including paying back what he owes as a sign of respect for me (and himself).

As a separate issue, your grandchildren will be used as a weapon against you. This is quite likely a fight you cannot win, other than by enduring what is and hoping that the future will bring change. He and his new 'love' will be pouring poison in their ears and obstructing your efforts. The only people that will gain will be lawyers. The best you can hope for is to manage a one time communication to their faces to tell them how you feel about them and that you'll always be there for them. All you can then hope for is they they do not grow into your son's mould.

I wish you the very best for the future.

I tend to agree with the above.

I will also add, your son will not change until he reaches rock bottom. And he will likely be divorced again. Your granddaughters will be used to extract more assistance from you when that happens. Think about that....one option is to only take the girls back when that happens.

[Wayne Smith]

I can accept no responsibility for my adult children's choices - good or bad. Clearly you have not followed that advice in the past. Do so in the future. They are responsible for the consequences of their choices, I am not. It is hard to see one fail but some insist on learning hard lessons the hard way. I have to step back and allow that to happen until they do learn. Once they come humbly genuinely asking for an education you can start - but not until then. Giving in to their asking for or demanding support is simply adding to the problem.

When they come to you with a problem - you agree it is a problem and ask "What were YOU planning to do about it?

[lightman]

My financial adviser, whom is also a good friend, has told me many tales of people who gave to their children to the point that it crippled their retirement and their future. He knew that we were very generous with our two Sons and telling these tales was his way of cautioning me and my Wife. Thankfully, after graduating college my Boys grew up and became productive members of society. Once again, I wish You Luck in this.

[Lloyd Smale]

I can relate. I told my wife one night that I seriously think our kids cost us more today then when they lived with us. I don't think a week goes by the one of them doesn't ask me to LOAN them some money. Ive never seen a dime back. Every chirstmas like clockwork both daughters give me that same sob story about no presents for the kids. I had enough. They sit on there duffs at home with kids in school and wont go out and work and earn money but want mine. I told them both NO MORE. Don't even ask. Funny thing is I think we see the grandkids even more since I put my foot down. Allways toward the end of the month when there broke and have spent all there food money on things they didn't need. Send the kids over and let grandpa and grandma feed them. Once last month my youngest granddaughter told me all they had eaten in that last 3 days was cereal. I know your frustrated right now but your going to get the last laugh. theres absolutely no doubt in my mind that your son hasn't magically grown up. Hes going to do the same as my daughters. Spend all his money stupidly and is going to come begging again. Sad thing is just like me part of this is your own fault. We should have put or foot down right from the start and made them grow up. You think your being a good parent by help your kids out in a rough time but kids today just don't think like you and I and what they see is a sucker they just conned into giving them his last dollar.

[mold maker]

As long as a crutch exists there will be dependence. When the last crutch is lost he will have no others legs to stand on.
Yours isn't an uncommon tale, but a sad one for you. The conclusion you have come to is correct. It is the only possible future for both famlies.