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Thread: What do you do with a son!

  1. #21
    Boolit Master



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    It won't be easy. Forgive him even if he doesn't ask for it. Then move on. Did I say It won't be easy
    LOYALTY ABOVE ALL ELSE, EXCEPT HONOR

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  2. #22
    "I contacted him and told him I wanted nothing more to do with him! ''

    I have to be blunt, and straight forward with my reply. YOU waited way to long to do this.

  3. #23
    Boolit Master poppy42's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ARKLITE881South View Post
    "I contacted him and told him I wanted nothing more to do with him! ''

    I have to be blunt, and straight forward with my reply. YOU waited way to long to do this.
    You are absolutely right. I held out hope, unfortunately, after last night all hope is lost!
    Long, Wide, Deep, and Without Hesitation!

  4. #24
    Boolit Master poppy42's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DCP View Post
    It won't be easy. Forgive him even if he doesn't ask for it. Then move on. Did I say It won't be easy
    Forgive him? In order for me to forgive someone they to except responsibility for what they have done. That dose not exist in this case. As for myself I don’t care what he has done to me. I can never forgive him for what he has done to his mother!
    Long, Wide, Deep, and Without Hesitation!

  5. #25
    Boolit Master poppy42's Avatar
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    I want to thank everyone for their replies. The vast majority of have told me what I now know but was to stupid to realize in the past. If my son had been a friend or total stranger I’d have at the very least gotten my money back! One way or another. Like the song once said “ I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as once as I ever was”. This is much harder! This is my blood! This is the child I watched grow into a man! What I once thought, a good man, someone a farther could be proud of. Now, not so much. At this time in my life, as I near my last watch ( let’s face it I’ve been on this earth a lot longer than I will be in the future) my only concern is for my wife and my granddaughters! At 9 and 4 those girls are innocents. I love them dearly. My wife has a very special relationship with the oldest. I with the youngest. To them I will always be poppy for the two of them. I truly believe that my son does realize that he dare not earn my wrath were the girls are concerned. I have made that perfectly clear, many times. As for him he is nothing to me.

    Once again, thank you all for your responses
    Sincerely,
    Poppy42
    Long, Wide, Deep, and Without Hesitation!

  6. #26
    Boolit Master



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    Quote Originally Posted by poppy42 View Post
    Forgive him? In order for me to forgive someone they to except responsibility for what they have done. That dose not exist in this case. As for myself I don’t care what he has done to me. I can never forgive him for what he has done to his mother!
    Let me try to explain this. We are commanded by Christ to let the Lord judge. WE are not to Judge or if you do you will be judged by the measure you have judged.

    You forgive for yourself. You not him.

    You must let the Lord do the judging. 70x7 This forgiveness may just one of hardest thing a Christian must do. Many on Judgement day may be very unhappy.
    LOYALTY ABOVE ALL ELSE, EXCEPT HONOR

    "Peace is that brief glorious moment in history, when everybody stands around reloading." -- Thomas Jefferson

    "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
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  7. #27
    Boolit Master starnbar's Avatar
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    Been there done that with #3 son spent enough money on him with lawyers and court to buy a new mercedes 500 SL. He was all most a write off until his daughter got hurt my granddaughter. Well he saw the light he has a full time job and he needs a loan every once in awhile last time he owed me I didn't have to ask for it back he just gave me his brand new after the hurricane honda generator. I told him if he wants it back just pay off the loan.

  8. #28
    Boolit Master

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    Poppy, Heres the big issue with this situation. Hes your son and always will be You love him and always will someplace deep down. That's whats making this so hard for you and your wife. I know this is hard but Disconnecting from him for awhile and letting him stand alone thru everything that comes up may get him to become more responsible.

  9. #29
    Boolit Master poppy42's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DCP View Post
    Let me try to explain this. We are commanded by Christ to let the Lord judge. WE are not to Judge or if you do you will be judged by the measure you have judged.

    You forgive for yourself. You not him.

    You must let the Lord do the judging. 70x7 This forgiveness may just one of hardest thing a Christian must do. Many on Judgement day may be very unhappy.
    That is your fath, and belief. I respect that deeply. It is not mine. Nor is it everyone’s. Please don’t turn this into a religious discussion. It is not. It was not posted in the chapel.
    I truly thank you for your response. I respect your beliefs but I will not engage in a religious discussion.
    Take care,
    Poppy42
    Long, Wide, Deep, and Without Hesitation!

  10. #30
    Boolit Master




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    Poppy42,
    He's your boy that you watched grow into a man. Love him, but keep your distance if you have to. Don't let the grandkids be guilt bait or used as leverage against you. He's 30 and sounds like his priorities are way outta whack. A rock bottom experience with no crutch to lean on may bring him to his senses. I hope it does.
    You can miss fast & you can miss a lot, but only hits count.

  11. #31
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    You are doing to have recognized the situation and cut the financial cord. I don't think it is fruitful to engage in a aggressive relationship with your son over the granddaughters. It will create more animosity with him and possibly with your granddaughters and alienate them. Be patient, let him run on his own and calmly set the terms under which you are willing to interact with him. For instance as long as it does not involve money, then happy to visit, etc. He may stay away for a while (months maybe a few years). But often when the parents are patient and ready to have a relationship on healthy terms the adult children will eventually come back for visits and sharing news, etc. And if you exhibit love and patience to your granddaughters, they will believe that more than whatever lies he may tell them about you.

    I think it is a pipe dream though to demonstrate animosity toward your son and expect to have access to your granddaughters. You may be able to win a family court case to get grandparent visiting time since they lived with you for many years and you with them. But that reinforces the adversarial relationship with your son and good luck with that. It creates a huge amount of tension in the whole family that will go on for many years.

    As a society we seem to have a hard time respecting the integrity of the family unit. Some parents are going to make bad choices. But undermining them causes many more problems too. If the girls were in danger of physical or mental abuse then sure you need to intercede as best you can. But if they are safe then any interference will have much more negative effects than positive. When it comes to kids, think carefully about what is absolutely best for them and their family life, not what you want. If that can be achieved through patient love and not the courts then you are miles ahead.

    Wish you the best. Family issues are very difficult, but at least you have the financial aspect off the table.

  12. #32
    Boolit Master
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    The most important thing I have learned is that I can detach from them, yet still love them.

  13. #33
    Boolit Master

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    I don't see that you did anything stupid. And I don't think that you should see yourself in that light. You loved your family, like you should, and you turned a blind eye towards your Sons faults. Its the normal thing for a parent to do. You just had to make a very tough decision. Hang in there but don't beat yourself up over this. While you may have handled it differently, hindsight does no good. Still wishing you Luck!

  14. #34
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    Was it in writting that lending/loaning wasn’t a gift?

    I am your sons age, I don’t lend money to anyone, if you are hard enough up I will buy something from you and give you enough time to buy it back before I sell it or start using it, that time frame is clearly stated when we shake hands. If I am borrowing money there is a contract involved.
    Doug
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  15. #35
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    I have a slightly different take on this situation.

    None of want to hear that we are wrong , but I see this as a problem of your own creation .
    He is your son , you raised him , he learned his values and morals threw you .
    I'd hazard a bet that there is a longer history of you giving and him taking then is describes In this thread .
    Expecting an outcome that is any differant then what happened is pure foolishness on your part .

    It all comes back to taking responsibility for our actions .
    Step up to the plate and come to terms with the fact that what happened here is your fault .

    I imagine that many will disagree with what I have to say , but if he didn't learn this behavior from you ... where exactly did it come from ,
    After all you was responsible for raising him .

    If you want his behavior towards you to change ... it's up to you to change it .
    Acting like a petulant child surely won't help any . It's just going to reinforce it

  16. #36
    Boolit Master

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    Quote Originally Posted by redneck1 View Post
    if he didn't learn this behavior from you ... where exactly did it come from ,
    After all you was responsible for raising him .
    A person can develop a behavior without it first being modeled by someone else. Bad children are not always the result of bad parents and good children are not always the result of good parents.

  17. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ickisrulz View Post
    A person can develop a behavior without it first being modeled by someone else. Bad children are not always the result of bad parents and good children are not always the result of good parents.
    True. I've watched many families where you couldn't ask for better examples and guidance. The kid still turns out bad. Part of being a kid is rebellion against the parents. Fortunately, most grow out of it. Those who don't generally end up in jail or dead.
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  18. #38
    Boolit Master poppy42's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redneck1 View Post
    I have a slightly different take on this situation.

    None of want to hear that we are wrong , but I see this as a problem of your own creation .
    He is your son , you raised him , he learned his values and morals threw you .
    I'd hazard a bet that there is a longer history of you giving and him taking then is describes In this thread .
    Expecting an outcome that is any differant then what happened is pure foolishness on your part .

    It all comes back to taking responsibility for our actions .
    Step up to the plate and come to terms with the fact that what happened here is your fault .

    I imagine that many will disagree with what I have to say , but if he didn't learn this behavior from you ... where exactly did it come from ,
    After all you was responsible for raising him .

    If you want his behavior towards you to change ... it's up to you to change it .
    Acting like a petulant child surely won't help any . It's just going to reinforce it
    Well you hazard wrong. As a child he always worked for what he wanted. Not a spoon fed spoiled child. This situation is something that arose in recent years. As a matter of he joined the navy when he was 18. At one tome I was very proud to be his father. I have an older son who was in quite a lot of trouble as a youngster as he got older, he has straightened his life out and is doing fine. I have know interest in hearing how this has something to do with how he was raised.
    Last edited by poppy42; 02-12-2018 at 05:01 PM.
    Long, Wide, Deep, and Without Hesitation!

  19. #39
    Boolit Master
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    May possibly his poor decision making have started with a woman? Woman can be the destroyers of men.
    Good luck with your family.

  20. #40
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    Out of the 5 kids my parents had I am the only one who paid them back with interest for getting help. My little brother owes my mom over $50k right now and he will never pay it back. My 2 sisters and old brother only owe a small amount and I am sure they have forgotten about it because it was 30+ years ago and mom never reminded them about it. When mom and dad needed help they always called me because I wouldn't make an excuse. I would be there for them. I never borrowed much, and last time was 36 years ago when my car puked a transmission and I was between jobs(80's recession...). Soon as I found work again I paid them back because it is the right thing to do.

    Not much you can do other than send him an itemized statement of what he owes as a reminder... it is up to him to decide to be an adult...

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