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Thread: Of all the nights!

  1. #1
    Boolit Master
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    Of all the nights!

    Sorry, this probably belongs there, but the ďchapelĒ is too stuffy for me.

    So knowing I suffer from depression and am struggling with my back issues, Iíve been asked tonight to give a talk to the youth in our church about suicide and why they need to carry on an persevere.
    Right this very moment Iím sitting in my garage, music is around 104db, and Iím typing this between spasms, crying and screaming in pain. The loud music seems to help take my mind off of focusing on the pain and the vibrations oddly enough help slow the spasms down some.
    Two nights ago I was fighting spasms so I went to lie down. I had a spasm hit so hard it threw me out of bed onto the floor. Iíve not had much sleep this week, which if you look at my recent posting times, you can see yourself.
    I cannot in good conscious do this talk, speech, whatever, Iím a total hypocrite if I tell someone the fight is worth it when I wake up in the morning and have to fight myself to live.
    The train tracks run through town at a 12deg angle, if you are traveling 75-80mph and turn lightly at the libraryís front door you can hit the train at a negative angle, increasing no survival chance. Either remove the fuse for the air bag, or stab it with a knife ahead of time to limit its usefulness.
    SERIOUSLY, how am I, in the state I am (temperature swings, big changes in barometric pressure, so on, screw me up bad! I got to sleep at 6:15am today, I was up at 8:54am and from about 6pm on ive literally been in screaming pain beyond whatever weather pattern is moving in?
    Again, sorry itís so long winded, and donít get me wrong, Iíve visited many in our community when depression hit them. Iíve visited in the hospital and sat down with spouses and tried my best to explain it to them. Itís funny, most of them think their partner just goes blank and shuts down. Itís the exact opposite, there comes a point we have so much going on in our heads that we shut down to figure out what is and isnít important because we are ALWAYS trying to fix a problem! We wake up in the middle of the night with a soloution to a problem three months ago. WE DONíT make sense and probably never will.
    Oddly Iíve found some solace helping others in the past. But as it stands, Iím too far gone right now to steer anyone straight.
    I hope this is halfway ledgible, Iím having struggles getting my arms, hands and fingers to do what I want them to! I donít think torture or threatening to cut them off will go over well.
    So thereís my dirty little secret, I have to fight all day, everyday to get through it. Then when youíve been up 3-4 days straight because the pain wonít let you sleep, itís a serious battle.
    So while Iíd love to help, Iím not the right ďHuckleberryĒ at this time.
    Quote Originally Posted by sniper View Post
    Irish Proverb: Never approach a Bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an Idiot from any direction!

  2. #2
    Boolit Master
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    I'm sure you've tried meds, but, ****, something has to lessen the pain. I'm sitting here with a radiation damaged leg and foot, knowing that there's an Oxycodone pill 15 feet away, but I don't want to take it. I'll get to sleep around 3 - 4 AM, then get up at 6AM and start it all over. I keep telling my wife that if the surgeon had taken the leg off instead of carving out the football sized tumor and radiating it into leather, I'd have a strong, fake leg with no nerve endings. As far as giving a talk to the church kids - let them come over to your house one at a time to see what you're going through. People thrive on seeing someone else worse off than they are.
    Suicide? What if you end up in some place or condition that's worse?
    Not sure how religious you are, but keep in mind that suicide is the one and only sin you cannot confess...

  3. #3
    Boolit Master
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    I’m not qualified to give advice on your situation but hope you find some resolution. Don’t know if you’ve tried any holistic approaches if modern medicine doesn’t help you, but sometimes it’s worth a try. Hang in there & Godspeed!

  4. #4
    Boolit Master
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    I’m loaded on Fentynal as well. I’m sorry to hear of your troubles, I promise you I am!
    Yeah, the whole “If I don’t get it right” angle! Oddly enough, that’s been one of the biggest reasons I e held on so long! With my luck, I’d end up even more screwed up and unable to finish the job!
    For anyone that comes along and thinks we are taking this lightly, we ****ing have to! That’s a survival mechanism for us, if we can’t laugh, we’re already dead! But I’m tired, you average 4hrs of sleep a day for 7 1/2yrs and get back to me! I could do it in my younger days, but not more than four weeks and I had to crash.
    I also get the whole God doesn’t like suicide. But not long ago I came across a very good episode of “Night Court” from way back. Mac, the clerk, made one of thee most profound statements I’ve ever heard for Hollywierd.
    Beyond a mans limits isn’t a place where God wants us to be alone.
    Quote Originally Posted by sniper View Post
    Irish Proverb: Never approach a Bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an Idiot from any direction!

  5. #5
    Boolit Master

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    I know you didn't ask, but I will pray for ya anyway. Hang in there brother, everything gets better eventually.
    "In God we trust, in all others, check the manual!"

  6. #6
    Boolit Master
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    Also keep in mind that some meds; namely, Oxycodone, Percocets and all the other opioids and the acetaminophens (all processed by the liver) stress you liver with can result in emotional or psychological depression.

    About 10 years ago following a bad back injury, I was put on Percocets. Was on them for about 5 months and like you, never slept more than 4 hours at a time. One morning I awoke with sense of dread and wondered whether my will was up to date.

    After a day and a half of laying in bed and wondering if my time was coming to an end, I decided to take myself off the opiates and acetaminophens, substituted with prescription strength ibuprofen (ibuprofen is processed in the kidney) and started drinking more water, apple, pomegranate, blueberry, cranberry juices and the like. Surprisingly, the pain was not that much greater without the Percs, as my body had become too used to the opiates. It took ten days to two weeks to lose the feeling of doom.

    Paradoxically, in the beginning, the narcotics keep you from being driven crazy by the pain. But, after a while those same meds that dulled the pain and kept you sane, do little to dull the pain and tend to mess with your mind and weaken your will to persevere.

    With regard to taking one's own life, I have to agree with Battis,
    keep in mind that suicide is the one and only sin you cannot confess
    .
    A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms *shall not be infringed*.

    "The greatest danger to American freedom is a government that ignores the Constitution."
    - Thomas Jefferson

    "While the people have property, arms in their hands, and only a spark of noble spirit, the most corrupt Congress must be mad to form any project of tyranny."
    - Rev. Nicholas Collin, Fayetteville Gazette (N.C.), October 12, 1789

  7. #7
    Boolit Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcren View Post
    I know you didn't ask, but I will pray for ya anyway. Hang in there brother, everything gets better eventually.
    Thank you. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, I just have problems with organized religion.
    Many may not get that, but man has a way of mucking things up pretty good! An hour and half east of here is my “church”, there’s no building, there’s no other members I know of, but in that special place, I feel God and KNOW he’s a part of me and so much bigger than me.
    “Where one or more of you pray, I will be there.” I don’t want or need to play the politics of religion, as it seems to have become. So I have my special place, anyone is welcomed when I’m there, but there will be no collections or sermons. You see Gods presence just by looking around.
    Just so you know, I’m not your typical Christian.
    Quote Originally Posted by sniper View Post
    Irish Proverb: Never approach a Bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an Idiot from any direction!

  8. #8
    Boolit Master
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    Quote Originally Posted by smokeywolf View Post
    Also keep in mind that some meds; namely, Oxycodone, Percocets and all the other opioids and the acetaminophens (all processed by the liver) stress you liver with can result in emotional or psychological depression.

    About 10 years ago following a bad back injury, I was put on Percocets. Was on them for about 5 months and like you, never slept more than 4 hours at a time. One morning I awoke with sense of dread and wondered whether my will was up to date.

    After a day and a half of laying in bed and wondering if my time was coming to an end, I decided to take myself off the opiates and acetaminophens, substituted with prescription strength ibuprofen (ibuprofen is processed in the kidney) and started drinking more water, apple, pomegranate, blueberry, cranberry juices and the like. Surprisingly, the pain was not that much greater without the Percs, as my body had become too used to the opiates. It took ten days to two weeks to lose the feeling of doom.

    Paradoxically, in the beginning, the narcotics keep you from being driven crazy by the pain. But, after a while those same meds that dulled the pain and kept you sane, do little to dull the pain and tend to mess with your mind and weaken your will to persevere.

    With regard to taking one's own life, I have to agree with Battis, .
    Believe me, I know the gig! Iím going to feel like I went through a cement truck in the morning! Next patch change Iím going to have to up it. (The Fentynal patches you wear for three days) Iím currently cutting the 50mc (yes, thatís micro grains, this stuff is 40-100 times stronger than morphine) in half and getting 25mc, Iím going to have to up it to 37mc. Yes I can hear it already, just go for the full 50mc! Iíve tried that twice now, both times were under Drs recommendation so it wasnít something I did for ***** and giggles! Donít od on Fentynal, just donít od on anything! The first day you spend puking. The next day, even a couple days after, it feels like you went down with heat stroke. (Yeah, done that to) everything aches, you just feel putrid, and every muscle in your body hurts thinking itís dehydrated.
    Years and years my Drs lectured me about my liver. Oddly enough itís doing quite well. But I spent a week in ICU because my drinking had shut my pancreas down, completely new one to me?
    Then we can go on all night about constipation and the joys of hemmeroids, ahh, good times!
    Iím failing miserably at keeping this short, Iím sorry.
    Quote Originally Posted by sniper View Post
    Irish Proverb: Never approach a Bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an Idiot from any direction!

  9. #9
    Boolit Master
    smokeywolf's Avatar
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    I still keep the oxy around for when the back muscles spasm, but if I take them for 2 days, I don't poop for at least 4 days.

    There's a bunch of us old codgers here that have had similar experiences and although I wouldn't wish these conditions on most, it's kind of comforting to know that there's others who have a pretty good understanding of you're feeling.

    Oh, and your last sentence; "don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness".
    A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms *shall not be infringed*.

    "The greatest danger to American freedom is a government that ignores the Constitution."
    - Thomas Jefferson

    "While the people have property, arms in their hands, and only a spark of noble spirit, the most corrupt Congress must be mad to form any project of tyranny."
    - Rev. Nicholas Collin, Fayetteville Gazette (N.C.), October 12, 1789

  10. #10
    Boolit Master
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    Unfortunately, I’m somewhat young, at 47, broke my back 7 1/2yrs ago. I am weak, I am tired. I deal with miserable pain all day, grr it’s pleasure at night and the joy knowing I get to wake up with it again tomorrow and the day after, and the day after, over and over. How long before you loose your sanity?
    Quote Originally Posted by sniper View Post
    Irish Proverb: Never approach a Bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an Idiot from any direction!

  11. #11
    Boolit Master GhostHawk's Avatar
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    Brother Saw

    I like you have a strong faith and belief in my Creator. And like you I think Mankind has screwed up organized religion beyond recognizing much less anyone short of the Lord himself fixing.

    Like you I always felt closest to my Creator in the wild. Dimly lit forest cathedral or sweeping prairie. Wind tossed grass and running water. This IS my fathers world. I see his hand everywhere.

    And our Creator did not wish us to be in endless torment.

    PM will follow this post, I expect a call. I am in my chair and awake from 6am to 10 pm. After that you are on your own.

    Reach up to the Lord, open your heart, humble yourself, and ask, it shall be granted.

  12. #12
    Boolit Master
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    Prayers sent from here, too.
    A journey of a thousand feet begins with one mis-step at the edge of a cliff.

  13. #13
    Boolit Master

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    Sorry to hear about your continued pain. Hopefully someday they will find something that will work for you. Having had back problems most of my life, I feel for you.

  14. #14
    Boolit Master JBinMN's Avatar
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    If ya don't think ya should do it, Don't do it.


    I am dealing with painful health issues as well. I do not wish to go into them here.

    I also , although a Christian & practice my faith in my own way, am also no longer inclined to participate in "organized" religious activities, nor do I feel comfortable with participating much with religious issues & conversations on the internet as well. Both of them for personal reasons that I do not intend to share here publically.

    I am only posting this here to also let you know you are not alone in some of these things, and perhaps that can give you some solace, just as others have posted the same.

    I might add that one of the sayings I learned long ago & usually say to those who are talking about suicide, is, " Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.". You might want to ponder on that saying if you are not familiar with it.
    BTW, I do not advocate for assisted suicide either, as I believe that we should go as God intended us to go & not by our own hand. But... that is all I intend to say on that subject also....

    Best wishes & G'Luck in dealing with the issues that are bothering ya. I hope ya find some relief.
    "If ya don't like my gate, ya don't have to swing on the hinges..." - L. Ackerman ( RIP)

  15. #15
    Boolit Master
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    JBinMN, as odd as it may seem, you’ve become an internet “buddy” to me, that’s a compliment.
    Unfortunately on my end, I’m on a downward spiral I’m rather quickly, getting worse, not b. I assure you, I’ve been there, done that! I’ve had five chiropractor’s fire me, two kenesioligist fire me and an Accupunturist fire me. All of them fired me because they got to the point they couldn’t do anymore. I’ve done physical therapy, it’s helped some, but she told me I’d never be right again!
    Quote Originally Posted by sniper View Post
    Irish Proverb: Never approach a Bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or an Idiot from any direction!

  16. #16
    Boolit Master Thumbcocker's Avatar
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    As a parent of a fantastic young woman who ended her life at age 21 I would advise you to tell the youth to think about those left behind. Those close to someone who suicides wI'll never be the same. There is a never healing wound in their souls and they never stop asking what they could have done or not done to prevent the act. Attempting to stop your pain by ending your life just passes the pain to others a hundred fold for the rest of their lives. Seek help it is out there.
    You'll go far providin' you ain't burnt alive or scalped."

    Will Geer as Bear Claw in "Jeramiah Johnson"

  17. #17
    Boolit Master OS OK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thumbcocker View Post
    As a parent of a fantastic young woman who ended her life at age 21 I would advise you to tell the youth to think about those left behind. Those close to someone who suicides wI'll never be the same. There is a never healing wound in their souls and they never stop asking what they could have done or not done to prevent the act. Attempting to stop your pain by ending your life just passes the pain to others a hundred fold for the rest of their lives. Seek help it is out there.
    I wan't going to chime in on this but these (^) were my thoughts from the start of the post...

    I've lost 2 close friends to this 'act of desperation' and witnessed the carnage left behind.

    Maybe God this or maybe God that...maybe God wants to see you man up and spare all those around you of your ordeal...maybe then, God will intervene, who knows...the rest is up to you. You have control of your mind and the mind controls the body.

    I might sound harsh and you may think I have a hardened heart...your right on both counts. I could have written your post for you regarding your pain but certainly not the part on suicide, it ain't in my vocabulary. But...I can tell you this much, it takes an exceptional man to deal with unrelenting and constant pain...it's all up to you how you want to be remembered and what you leave behind.

    I won't be comparing personal health notes as it is not my way for one, but I'll share this...get control of that brain, get it preocupied with something that interests you, get it engaged technically or imaginarily or whatever suits your fancy and that brain will overlook and not acknowledge a majority of your pain, it's a more powerful tool than anyone can imagine and it will bring you some degree of relief...that may be just enough to endure.

    Yes, you have been dealt a bad hand...if you find yourself on the 'pity potty' get yourself off, dwelling in your pain and circumstance will only exacerbate your condition.
    Perhaps talking about it as you have BRAVELY done here will find relief in the camaraderie of others in the same boat...I dunnoh, we are all wired differently and alike but most all can relate to pain and are sympathetic. I cannot dwell on my pain and I've asked all my friends to never ask how I'm doing...all that does is to take my mind off wherever it is and suddenly it scans the body and I find myself full of pain...heck, I hated when they would do that to me. Nobody ask anymore.

    With the proper mindset and a determined will you are using all the tools God gave you from birth...prayer, especially 'hands on prayer' from your brothers in the Church is another.

    Just try to remember that if you succumb to suicide your pain doesn't die with you...you pass it on to others, some of whom may never recover...ever.

    c h a r l i e
    a m e r i c a n p r a v d a

    Be a Patriot . . . expose their lies!

    ďIn a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.Ē G. Orwell

  18. #18
    Boolit Master
    runfiverun's Avatar
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    I don't have a lot to add.
    I feel for you Brother.
    all I can say is focusing on the problem won't help, you need to focus on the solution.
    I'm sure your feeling like there isn't one, and the more you look at it that way the fewer paths there are to follow.
    go on get outside and take a real good look around.
    I'm thinking I need to jump in the truck and go for a ride today, there ain't nuthin out there to shoot, it's too cold to go fishing, and everything is Brown or covered in snow.
    so why bother?, I got plenty of stuff I could do right here in the house.
    well... it's because I need a change of scenery I think.
    maybe I will go get some coffee first [I don't even drink coffee and I'm sure we got some here in the house] but it's something different.
    it's all an educated guess,,,, till the trigger is pulled.

    this opinion brought to you by mister low-tech solution..

  19. #19
    Boolit Man
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    Please reconsider not giving the talk at church, Brother, and don't worry about feeling like a hypocrite. Don't be ashamed to tell them how you feel, just as you have told us. The fact you're still alive IS your testimony. You weren't called to give this talk at this time by accident, at least that's how I would interpret it. You need to do this; it's for you, not them.
    I too lost someone this way four years ago, someone as close to me as you can get, and I can't live long enough for the pain to go away. Go give the talk, even if you don't want to, even if you feel unprepared, even if you have to do it cold off the top of your head. A solution is out there. Perhaps the talk will be a first step on the path to finding it. God bless.
    When I was a kid we had 9 planets.

  20. #20
    Boolit Master
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    Suicide is a long death to those who will forever ask themselves what they could have done to stop it. Those folks suffer as well. My best friend's father shot himself in the head when my buddy was 13. My friend shot himself in the head 14 years later. His children are clinically depressed and lost and will have to battle as well.

    I suggest very strong narcotics. If that does not work, I suggest stronger narcotics. If the mental pain is stronger than the physical, I suggest antidepressants, Xanex and strong narcotics and a good psychologist (not psychiatrist) who has not lived a charmed life.

    My heart is truly with you.

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