Responsibilities To Aging Parents And An Outdoorsman's Lifestyle

[Landy]

We all know that we'll eventually, if we should live so long, get old enough that the infirmities of age require us to modify our 'outdoorsy' pursuits; but I didn't recognize, until hit in the face with it, that my parents' aging was going to require it of me too.

My, here, pertinent adaptations have been to expand from just rifle into handgun cartridge loading and, soon, casting as pastimes that I can do at their home and / or in temporary digs near them. Hand reloading tools, beyond being now necessary additions to my bench tools sitting unused at home, are becoming an absorbing interest and may become my first foray into collecting.

Loading and even shooting were until now mostly interesting preparations for big trips to wild country, but with those limited by my responsibilities to aging parents I'm looking to loading and shooting to play a lead rather than supporting role.

How have some of you adapted to needing to stay nearer and do more for your parents without giving up to much or many of your own recreations?

[Four-Sixty]

I recognize that time is fleeting, and they won't be here forever. Reloading/shooting will be available to me long after they are gone. I don't want to regret not making time for them after they are gone. There are other time wasters, like TV and the Internet, that I can cut back on anyway if I don't feel I am getting enough time with the hobby.

[white eagle]

unfortunately my parents are both gone
my Father was my mentor and hunting partner for many years
at that time in my life I did recognize but did not want to
admit that these good years would come to an end
the spring and vigor of youth fading and soon to be a
lone hunter
do what you can for them while you have them

[LaPoint]

My parents are in their early 80's and doing well (for their age) but it is obvious that they will need more assistance from their family to continue to live on their own. For the past several years I have taken about a week off of work to drive with them to their winter home in AZ. At first I went partly because I needed to use some vacation time or lose it. My mother does not like to drive any longer and my dad appreciates having someone else to share the driving duties. I have become very aware that the my number of trips to AZ with them is limited. I am very happy that their limitations are physical and not memory or mental in nature.

[opos]

Coming at the discussion from "the other side"...I'm the old guy..Father, Grandfather and Great Grandfather...I raised my 2 Sons and my Daughter with some strong basics (way before P.C. was a factor) and they have all done well..the same kinds of things have filtered down to their kids and grandkids...My hobbies have always been Fishing, Hunting, guns and boats as well as things mechanical like restoring antique farm engines...Not much here for my Daughter so just been the Daddy that's been there for her when she wanted to talk or be a Daddy's girl. My Oldest Son is heavily involved in the sport fishing business and "credits" my teaching with getting him interested...My younger Son is a manager with a large IT company and he sort of followed Dad's kind of a career with technical selling.

I have mostly not pushed any of the kids to "do what I do" all those years I hunted and fished...as a result the only one interested in fishing is my oldest Son....none have any interest in guns or hunting...I have one Grandaughter that likes to shoot and a Grandson that went through the Academy and is a shooter.

I am too old to fish much any more...once in a while with my older Son in the bay for small critters and a short stint...I don't like it off shore any more so not doing any of that...I still reload (quite a bit) and target shoot (not precision stuff..old eyes and unsteady hands make plinking more fun that real precision shooting). I belong to a couple of ranges and shoot mostly once a week.

Main thing is that I have not had to rely on my Kids or my Wife to 'entertain me" or to keep an eye on Dad....They know what I do..where I am and what I'm capable of and what I'm not...been several times I've driven to the range to shoot and not felt well enough to lug all the stuff...so just called and said "I'm headed home" ...no questions or issues...just "come on and we'll have lunch"...Again, I know what works and what does not...At 78 and pretty beat up I got nobody to impress any more and the kids know when Dad is ready to end an activity he'll end it without a fuss...I just renewed my driver's license for 5 years with no problems...I'd guess that is my last renewal..we'll see but for now I'm independent, mind is sharp and health is tolerable...

Love your folks but don't "take the reins" too quickly...I see the Met Life ad with the old boy that has fallen and has his arm in a sling...looks hale and hearty with a minor bump or scrape along the way...In march the 2 pushy daughters and force a call to Met life to get "burial insurance"....I'm afraid I'd have a comment about that (nobody is waiting for money in my family...there ain't any)..

Enjoy the fun,nutty things old folks do...if they are safe leave them alone..if in danger...be gentle and urge and be helpful.. My Mom lived to 97 in her own home..we had a woman come in and get her day started every morning...fed her breakfast, made a lunch for in the fridge and made sure she got her meds and cleaned up and teeth brushed...then at night she came back, cleaned up and got Mom ready for bed....It was a blessing for Mom and for us and Mom would not have been a candidate for a nursing home situation...as it was she simply died quietly in her sleep...our job with her was to see she had the resources to live as she wanted (with safety) and to stay out of her way unless her doing something might be dangerous...we all shared love and care to the very last day.

[WRideout]

Sounds like your parents raised you right. Both my parents are gone, so I spend time with my in-laws, who are depression babies in their eighties and nineties, and won't let me do anything for them. I can also see the day coming when I won't be able to walk in the woods (I'm sixty-three). Until then, I plan to get in all the outdoor activity I can. God bless you for taking care of your folks.

Wayne

[koehn,jim]

I lost my dad when I was in High School, and mom did as much as she could. When her health started to fail and she had trouble getting around, I put in my retirement papers and was able to spend her last few years helping her, and keeping her company. I gave up shooting and fishing for those couple of years to be home. Did I miss it, not in the least, I was doing something much more important. You will only have your folks for a few short years, make them count. I have all the time I need to shoot whenever the mood strikes me. They raised you right that you are thinking about them. If you don't spend time with them you will regret it in the end.

[shooter93]

Both my parents are gone as are my wife's. In the years before their passing virtually everything we did was centered around their care. The time and wages we lost were staggering to say the least, it's something we won't recover from. Do we regret it?.....not one single second. We were very close to our parents. I worked with my father for 26 years. We became friends not just parent and child. I still miss them and probably always will but we did what ever had to be done for them. We were never able to have children so I'm not sure what will become of us should we ever need that kind of care but I guess we'll deal with that should it arise.

[Char-Gar]

I am the last man standing, having no living grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles and siblings. They are all gone..all gone. But in my time, I cared for several aging family members always remembering the word "Honor thy father and mother, that your days on this earth may be long". Caring for those folks is not optional for a God fearing man or woman.

Remember that as we grow, life gives us things. We can crawl, walk, ride a bike, drive a car, get a job, buy a house, take a vacation, raise a family. Just living rewards us with good thing. But then one day life starts to take those things away. You can't see as well, hear as well, walk as well, sleep as well, sit as well and then we can no longer even sit up and eat by our selves. Old age is a progressive loss and is very difficult to swallow. We need to understand that so we can help them and not hurt them. I will offer only two suggestions that come from my 37 years as pastor being involved with many hundreds of people final years.

1. Don't take away their independence. Allow them to make their own decision and don't try and pressure them to see things your way. Don't treat them as dependent children.

2. Don't pressure them to move closer to you so you can look after them. This may sooth your conscious and make things more convenient for you, but it condemns them to a miserable, isolated last few years. Most curly up and die before their time. You see older people don't cope with change very well, and to remove them from their homes, friends and communities is a death blow, just to make things easier for you. Shame on you, if you do this. If they come up with the idea to move, that is fine, but don't you pressure or nag them to do it, for it robs them of what little they have left of life.

Time and time again, I visited with older people who told me their kids were pressuring them to move, but they didn't want to and didn't know what to do. I told them to just tell their kids to go to hell and do what they wanted. But, sadly almost all of them yielded to the pressure, moved and died miserable.

I have seen so much pain inflicted on older parents by kids who convinced themselves it was the right thing to do.

[xs11jack]

It all boils down to this: People are more important than things.
Ole Jack

[Landy]

Glad to see some comment from both age groups, valuable insights into what children and parents face when this time comes.

I am trying to find some new or expanded interests for all of us to explore to replace some that are no longer practical, to at least take the edge off of the opportunities and capabilities lost.

[popper]

A little off subject but? Friend of the wife's called this morning, she's in her 80's. Kids took her for a memory (?) test at a clinic, Doc took her drivers license away - stated she was 'forgetful' and might get lost while driving. Tough call, I think her kids are watching out for her, but I don't think she got to voice her opinion. Kinda like feds taking guns from vets without any recourse.

[Outpost75]

"Honor thy father and mother."

This is a duty call. I did it for both of mine. Dad passed in 1995 aged 82, Mom in 2010 aged 97. Dad had all his marbles until the end and still drove. Heart gave out.

After he died Mom turned in her driver's license for a non-driver ID, said she didn't need to drive, because she had a chaffeur (me). I had a nursing assistant take care of her 12 hours a day while I was working until I got home. It was best to have her in familiar surroundings. Last year she was alive her dementia required constant care. Reluctantly moved her to a skilled nursing facility close to my work so that I could see her daily. That was the right call for us. I retired shortly after she passed away, my years of government service plus my age then equalling 85, I was burned out. Sold the suburban house to pay the bills, moved to the summer place in the mountains near where Dad grew up.

I'm now age 67 and enjoying my retirement, miss them both every day, but I remember the good times and have happy memories.

I wear Dad's "Ruptured Duck" pin on my hat to honor the Greatest Generation.

Attachment 153745

I have his M1917 S&W, Colt Woodsman, Winchester Model 12, Colt M1903 Pocket Hammerless, Winchester 54 and K-Bar.

I live in the house he built, in the same county he was born in, go to the same church, have kinfolk the next county over and my ancestors are buried in the churchyard.

I will be too one day, but I hope not too soon, because I still got a lifetime hunting license!

[opos]

I already posted but thought I'd "double dip" after reading the post about the doctor having a say in taking someone's driver's license...there is a time and that time might be the family, the doctor, etc...when an older person is a real threat...Mom lived to be 97 but we had to "take her Green Goddess...a 77 Oldsmobile..when she was about 80...the car didn't have a square corner on it....she bumped everything she got near so time to ask her not to drive any more...it was a fuss but she said later on it was what needed to be done and her upset was just her pride. But there is currently another issue and that is the Govenment.

I've posted before about the Obama care/Medicare "Annual Wellness Review". It's a program that became available to doctors for their Medicare patients in 2011. Most doctors passed on it because it's a really skimpy "question and answer" session and very little real physical exam..for example if you are over 75 you are no longer elegible for a PSA screening nor are you eligible for colonoscopies..regardless of any symptoms ...so early detection for cancer is removed from seniors under the "annual wellness review"...but there is one "new testing procedure" and that is the cognitive testing...it's for mental and manual dexterity. I got a feeling that 2/3's of the Congress members could never pass it...It's touted to be a screening tool for dementia and alzheimer's disease and that is not a bad thing...problem is that the doctor doesn't do the screening...it's done by an testing company and the results are "interpreted" by a Government operated panel (as in death panel?)...they take the "raw" numbers and apply them to a grid and if you happen to fall into a certain place on the grid you life changes forever...

An example of how the testing can be misinterpreted...one of the questions concerns sleeping habits..one question asks "do you ever have problems falling asleep?"...my answer was on occasion...that was a 1 point "ding" on the raw score which indicates I possibly need to be watched for depression...I've never had a depressed day in my life and I don't know of anyone that hasn't had a bit of trouble "on occasion" falling asleep.

Other questions are directed at things that are normal aging issues and again...raw numbers are simply plugged into a chart and that's your score...

I've changed doctors. This only applies to GP's and I've had the same guy for over 30 years...we have been friends as well as doctor and patient..he's in his 70's and I asked him why he has involved all his Medicare patients in this program...the answer? He can't get paid on a timely manner any more unless he does this and he said "I'm too old to fight them any more". I shook his hand and said thanks for being a good guy but I'm moving to a doctor that will look at more than government generated testing scores...with an eye to moving older folks out of the health care system and into "senior clinics".

Just a little side to the discussion...another sort of frustration to aging...I truly feel sorry for the folks that are coming along behind...I've lived during the absolute best times of the United States and I don't think folks realize that the "camel has his nose under the edge of the tent" and pretty soon the whole camel will be in the tent with you....

We grew up taking care of our own....we always had an aunt or uncle in some relatives back bedroom....the one thing my Dad made me promise when he died was that I'd not put Mom into a home...he said she'd never live a year and I believed him..some folks can't do that...I'd be hard pressed but also don't want to be a burden to my kids or Wife...we will just see how it goes...one thing about the process....unless you die, you get to be old too and someone will be trying to cut into their schedule to help and you might get grumpy too...Just human nature I guess.

Watch the doctors and their "motives" if you have an elder that you are involved with...the docs are being forced to play the Government games and it's getting worse all the time..it's not about care..it's about control and money.

[popper]

Great post opos

[Landy]

Opos,

Thanks for the warning.

I knew of the decreasing care and increasing costs being imposed by ObamaCare, but was unaware of this testing regime.

Doctors, patients, and families are all to become subject to bureaucrats whims.

[Landy]

Our oldsters can give us a good scare now and again.

Mine have already gave me some gray whiskers from incidents with the car, stove, electricity and water, and temporarily forgetting to use a needed walker. Thankfully, no injuries, just scares and mostly me scared.

[bear67]

I am late to this post because I have been doing radiation earlier this week. But I have strong opinions on our obligations to our parents.
My father has been gone for 17 years and Mother has been able to live alone, drive and take care of her business, but now at 92, dementia is peeking in the back door and we have had to make adjustments to our lifestyles to adapt to the changes in her health. She quit driving at night and then completely all on her own. We now take her to the Doctor, grocery store and whatever shopping she needs. My wonderful wife does most of these weekly chores as she is in that end of the county more often--but we will make the 30 mile trip anytime if necessary. But the thing I consider most important is we keep her involved in family and community activities. We take her to the great grand-children's sports games, plays, band concerts as well as all family gatherings. She never fails to express her thanks and is always waiting by the back door when we pick her up. If we come in after midnight from a tournament or game, she is perkier than I am. Neighbors get her to church on Sundays and Wednesday fellowship dinners where she supervises the younger ladies cooking. It is a blessing for us that we can do these things for her.
I am extremely luck in that I have a 21 year old great grandson living with her as the hanger where he works is only 5 miles from her house. He is with her at night and runs errands and is a reason for her to be active. She fixes his breakfast, he comes home for lunch and she makes supper except for when he picks up something for them to share for supper.
Yes, I drive a lot of miles and change my plans and schedule to do things for her. She spent the first third of her life doing for my brother and I and now it is turn about. I know someday, we may have to move her into our home, but she will kick and scream all the way. I will not rule out assisted living/nursing home time, but all efforts will be exhausted first. I just thank the Good Lord that I can be there for her and that my children and grandchildren stay involved in making her life as comfortable and rewarding as it can be at 92. Every day we have her with us is indeed a blessing.

[trapper9260]

I lost my dad in 90 but before that I took him out hunting and fishing no matter that I had to just about carry him out of the woods or off the boat.But he was able to get out in the woods and on the water and I also took him sometimes trapping with me. My mom died in 02 and I had look after her affairs and well being.I had to put her in a nursing home.but made sure she was taken care of right.not like the way her mom and one of her sisters was taken care I remember when I was younger.I have a brother and sisters.But I was the one that stayed with my mom.after my dad died .I was able to do what I like beside make sure she was ok and taken care of as long I could.Now I do not see them suffer anymore like they where due to there health problems.