When your BF tells you she wants a divorse...

[opos]

Kind of sounds a bit like you are still trying to "be of help" to her, etc...I did that with my first divorce..Mother of my kids, etc, etc...we stayed in the house together..huge mess...I volunteered to take care of getting a CPA to do our taxes as a separate party rather than joint and I wrote the check for her taxes to "help her along"...she didn't have a job so I made sure she was "taken care of"...in short we used the word ...Divorce..and like the toothpaste..once it's out of the tube there is no putting it back...I paid her taxes, I paid for the CPA....I fixed her car...I made sure she had a job before we parted company, etc...in short I was the one trying to "fix things" and since divorce was coming it was a serious mistake. I wouldn't have needed to be mean or nasty but I did need to realize things were changing and she and I would not be together any more so time to let go and move on..

One time after the divorce I was near her place and stopped in to see my youngest son...her car was parked at the curb with bald tires...I mentioned it to her and offered to help out...her comment was "they are my bald tires now and you have no concern or say in how I live"..I said "I just want the best for you" and her comment was "the best for me is to have you gone"..end of any offers to help or meddling or offering...I was gone, moved on and live went on...she got remarried as did I and she did just fine without my help...cover your own fanny without animosity and let it go.

[Deadpool]

One time after the divorce I was near her place and stopped in to see my youngest son...her car was parked at the curb with bald tires...I mentioned it to her and offered to help out...her comment was "they are my bald tires now and you have no concern or say in how I live"..

And then she's driving angry in the rain with your son and slides into oncoming traffic. Uh huh, no concern.

[rockrat]

He can be concerned, but was told to leave. Nothing he can do about it.

[CT-shooter777]

Women *always* have somebody in the picture when they talk of separating or breaking up. She may not even be honest with herself about it, but there is somebody in the picture motivating her. As a rule! They never breakup to be alone for awhile. There is somebody else she's pining for. She won't be single after the divorce, unless that was a pie in the sky and falls apart on her. In which case she'll want to come back; they are never single for long.

Sad to say but this is true, I forget the movie, one of the Mission Impossibles I think but the English character states " Woman are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch, unless they have got hold of another".
Been there, done that, unless there is some sort of reconciliation possible DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER.
That confuses the issues both legally, financially and personally.
See if you can agree with a lawyer on a set price upfront, it's possible, I know.

You need to ask yourself are you really staying for the kids or yourself ?

Sorry for your troubles, best of luck.
This too shall pass, keep moving forward....................

[edler7]

I've been where you are at now, except I had 29 years invested. My best advice is don't be a nice guy...stop thinking of her as your wife or somebody you love. Think of her as a stranger who wants half of what you own. It takes a while to get into that mindset, but if you don't you will pay through the nose. If it sounds cold and hard...it's just like family court (the most male unfriendly place on earth).

Things do get better.

[ZmanWakeForest]

1) Get your lawyer....an angry divorced female attorney if at all possible!
2) Secure your cash and all your stuff!
3) Get out as soon as your lawyer advises
4) Be Selfish.....don't be the good guy
5) Don't do it again
6) Enjoy yourself.... LIFE IS SHORT!!!! You deserve to be happy!

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Sometimes just having a place to vent and receive advise helps. Folks here have become an extended family over the last few years and the advise about both of us retaining an attorney makes sense. I will leave it at that..

I doubt if your name is Wolf really, and the title of the thread was enough of a giveaway for anybody who had better things to do with his time. It is good advice, though, about not saying anything controversial on internet forums that could be identified with you.

If this thread proves anything, it is that women are neither better nor worse than men in this situation, and often not very different. A friend of mine who divorced her husband forty years ago is now happily single in her seventies. Monkeys fly through mid-air all the time, and entering life alone can be pretty daunting for someone who has left qualification and job experience far behind in the interests of the family. The task ahead of you is not sacrificing any goodwill which may remain - and often it does - while being prepared to face the worst.

In particular it might be to your advantage if leaving was provably her idea, or at least nothing existed to prove that you suggested it. Actually forcing her from the home before the settlement - do I have to say this? - is a piece of barbarism which is likely to prove extremely counterproductive.
Not just a little, but extremely.

[jonp]

Problem is there is no money to give her so she can reasonably leave. Our house in Florida is up for sale. Once that sells there may be enough but the cash has to pay off debt, kids education, etc.. Even if we were not getting a divorce, we would have to sell our house with the reduced money coming in. Right now more worried about the kids, taking it hard especially my daughter.

I'm not sure why your worried about that. She asked you for the divorce not the other way around. I think we are back to you being the good guy. I don't think you are going to find a lawyer who says living together for a year when you are getting a divorce is a good idea. What are you going to do when she starts dating?

I would be very surprised, as hard as it might be to realize or admit, if she did not have another guy or one in her sights. I almost got caught once in this type of thing. A girl I knew in college I happened to run across. She invited me to her house for dinner with her, her husband and their kid. It was interesting but oddly testy. A little while later she started hanging around and told me they were getting a divorce, she had kicked him out, it was over etc.....I found out differently when he called me one day to find out what was going on. I was stunned to say the least and never talked to her again. I was the "branch she grabbed hold of". Good thing he believed me when I told him what she had told me and had no hard feelings.

I have never been married so am an expert on these things. My advice should be taken with this in mind

[robg]

my divorce was ok till her friends started stirring things.Things will get better .not as bad as it appear at first

[MrWolf]

Thanks folks. Appreciate the advise and no my name is not Wolf, character in a book nor do I quite look like Grumpy (may act like him) and I am sure there are quite a few Ron's in the lower half of NJ. It is a lousy situation but since her part time income is not enough to live on and we have no extra cash, living together until something sells is the only viable option. Both of us will consult an attorney and I will continue to try an be fair. I am a firm believer in what goes around, comes around. As far as my statements on this board, I feel as if I have been very fair and stand by my comments as they are the same ones I told her. I do agree with the comment that saying things can come back and bite you. Thanks.

[blackthorn]

Quote "In particular it might be to your advantage if leaving was provably her idea, or at least nothing existed to prove that you suggested it. Actually forcing her from the home before the settlement - do I have to say this? - is a piece of barbarism which is likely to prove extremely counterproductive.
Not just a little, but extremely. "

I would venture to suggest that you have never tried to live in the same house with someone who has (in effect) chucked you away like the rest of the trash? I have! NOT PLEASENT! Further, it does not get better the longer it goes on! Resentment accumulates. If she can make it on her own in a year, she can do it now.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Neither I have, but it all depends whether "chucked away like the trash" is in her mind or yours. Yes, there are a minority of people of both sexes as rotten as rotten can be. Where else do we get the idea of rottenness from? No animals or extraterritorial aliens. Even the humble tapeworm didn't sign up to be the sort of thing that gets parasites a bad name. But I would suspect that women who feel that way about their husbands very rarely want to stay near them. As I think somebody said, if she wants out, she can get out. Feeling the ex has to be treated right because he has treated her right is not an entirely extinct attitude, even nowadays.

Robg said "my divorce was ok till her friends started stirring things.Things will get better .not as bad as it appear at first" I'm sure the people on this thread mean well, and may well be giving advice that was right in the situation they have been through. But let's not forget that they are friends stirring things which, in some situations, might be better unstirred.

Jonp's post made me think. I used to get invited to family meals by female students, more in a mid-life refresher than post-high school, and I don't think I was missing any hints. Very possibly she just wanted someone from outside the family to talk to, and the husband got over-imaginative. Many a husband/wife can forgive an occasional meaningless fling more easily than having a friend of the opposite sex who is more interesting, or easier to talk to, than him/her.