How can a person give up on life?

[toooldtocare]

My step dad passed last Sunday morning. We all knew it was coming. he had been fighting cancer for years. He finally gave up. The chemo was making him sick and weak. So weak he would pass out. He was in and out of the Hospital weekly. More in than out. Last Friday he told the docs and family that he couldn't fight it anymore. He was tired of being weak and scared and sick. He had a DNR done a couple years ago. I didn't know until Friday night that he had it. Well the short story is he had a seizure Saturday night around midnight. He was transported to the ER. He had two more early Sunday morning. The second one took him away. We al knew it was coming but it still hurts like hell. On one hand I know he is pain free and in a better place now. On the other I feel like he left me and just gave up. I guess I am selfish.
Rest In Peace Dad. I LOVE YOU !!!

[oneokie]

My prayers and condolences for your loss.

I have known two men that have given up. They made their peace with the Good Lord and passed peacefuly. They both stated that they were tired of the fight.

[x101airborne]

Well, some times it jsut gets to where you have had enough. We all have our breaking points and it sounds like your dad hit his long agon. Dont be upset. Be glad for him and remember the good times. My prayers for you and your family.

[Bullet Caster]

My heartfelt prayers are going out for you. BC

[Bad Water Bill]

I know how you feel. Mom had DNR for years and I had to present the paper to the hospital each time she went there. What a rotten feeling. However the last time she had several visits I did see a reason. Mom was 95 and the heart was bad. A 3 day stay and they had her back on her feet sort of. 2 weeks later the same thing. After the 3rd trip I looked at this poor individual who had lost 6" in height and 50# over the years and had arms BLACK from the elbow to the end of her fingers from IVs. She could no longer walk by herself or do any of her usual occupations.

As we left the hospital I asked her MOM do you want to go back there again? Mom said why? Dad is gone (they were married 63 years) and so are all of my friends so please let me go.

Thanks to her DNR I am proud to say my MOM passed in her home of 40 years,in her bed,in her sleep. I am sure she was happier dying that way rather than in some hospital with no relatives around.

Modern medicine can keep you alive and suffering for years with or without your OK. Lawyers make sure that no matter what you will end up being, the hospital has to keep trying no matter what. I am glad that there is a way for folks to say LET ME GO.

MOM made that decision and so did your dad. I do not know if I by myself could have said LET MY MOTHER DIE. She and your father took that load off our shoulders. You will not be haunted for years about such a decision.

We will miss them for years to come and that is the way it should be. Just be glad he is at peace and no longer suffering.

Sorry to be so windy but that was the way it was explained to me and I wanted to share it. Hope it helps you understand his decision.

May your dad rest in peace. He will be watching you in the years to come. Talk to him as I do to those of my loved ones that have passed on.

[PS Paul]

Bill, thank you for the story. You are a good man. and for you, too old, prayers are with you. Gonna go wipe my tears now....

[DCM]

My mom died when I was quite young.
My step mother died of cancer about 4 years later.
Watching her die a slow painful death only to line the pockets of the so called "professionals" that killed my mom was painful for everyone, especially her.
When each of them died I cried an awful lot, my eyes are tearing right now over 30 years later thinking about them.
I am certain that they both went to a MUCH better place and that their pain is over, I still miss them but I am consoled with them being in a much better place.

I have been through a lot more cr#p than most folks would believe and if I am found to have cancer I WILL do a DNR.
I have pulled through some extremely tough stuff but after watching someone die slowly and painfully from cancer that was a better person than I it is game over.

Prayers sent for you and yours.

[Hickory]

My step dad passed last Sunday morning. We all knew it was coming. he had been fighting cancer for years. He finally gave up. The chemo was making him sick and weak. So weak he would pass out. He was in and out of the Hospital weekly. More in than out. Last Friday he told the docs and family that he couldn't fight it anymore. He was tired of being weak and scared and sick. He had a DNR done a couple years ago. I didn't know until Friday night that he had it. Well the short story is he had a seizure Saturday night around midnight. He was transported to the ER. He had two more early Sunday morning. The second one took him away. We al knew it was coming but it still hurts like hell. On one hand I know he is pain free and in a better place now. On the other I feel like he left me and just gave up. I guess I am selfish.
Rest In Peace Dad. I LOVE YOU !!!

Having survived cancer myself and enduring all the chemo and radiation treatments,
I, too decided to give up and die, because of the treatments left me feeling beaten and
empty, with no strength or energy to endure.

I completed all treatments. It took almost two months to regain my strength. I don't think I'd do it again.

Now that I think about it, I did have my family to live for, and children to raise.
Maybe I didn't give up after all.

[DRNurse1]

Too old to care:

+1 to the previous posts.

I deal with families and patients on the brink of death often. There is no good answer for your angst and loss but be confident that your loved one chose their path. God makes us different from the animals by giving us that...choice. It is a wonderful gift and an awesome responsibility. I believe that folks see His Peace and Grace available to them by joining our Lord and choose that path.

It sucks for us to be left behind but our loved one's peace and comfort is now assured. I pray for your strength in this time, and hope you can one day celebrate the life and the teachings your loved one passed on to you.

[scarry scarney]

As a two time cancer survivor, I understand. This last time, my battle started in March of 2011, and I just now (5 Nov 2012) have returned to work, with limitations.

Sometimes the body just isnt strong enough for the person inside to continue, and we welcome the Lord. I know that someday, he will call my name as well, and at that time, he will ease my pain. The biggest pain for me to bear, is watching my loved ones, for I know they will continue on, and watch me as I loose my strength. For now, I will continue on, but when he does call my name. Honor me in celebrating my life, because now the pain is gone, and the healing for all begins. I can's say for sure, but I believe that these are the same thoughts your step dad had.

I'm sorry for your lose, but he is no longer suffering. Celebrate his life.

[WilliamDahl]

Chronic pain can do that to you... I have chronic pain from PHN plus various injuries from my younger days... Oxycontin just barely takes the edge off of it and Vicodin seems to do even less good... Sure, it's possible to take enough Oxycontin to make it bearable, but I don't like being that fuzzy headed nor do I want to become addicted to it, so I just put up with the pain... Some days are easier than others... The only thing that keeps me going some days is my determination to live long enough to pìss on the graves of certain people... Some days though, I have to wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just help them along a bit so that I could finally have peace and give up on life...

[toooldtocare]

Thanks Guys.

[krag35]

My condolences, and heartfelt thoughts and prayers.

[smokeywolf]

As parents, our number one job is to teach, nurture, and guide our children to become strong, responsible, compassionate adults. Sounds to me like your dad did one heck of fine job.
Time will lessen the pain and sharpen the good memories.

My condolences,

smokeywolf

[2HighSpeed]

I know this feeling all too well. I lost my best friend 1 year, 1 month, 3 weeks and 3 days ago. He passed away 9 weeks before my wedding. He was supposed to walk me down the isle with my Dad, That didnt happen. He was diagnosed with Squamous cell cancer, and at diagnosis it wasnt too bad. Then when they thought he had almost beaten it, It came back with a vengance. He was 48. I was a single mom for 9 years before I married (I left my ex husband at 8 1/2 months pregnant with my youngest biological son), He was a single father as well with 1 son (his wife passed away in 2002), He tought my boys the "manly" things in life, And I tought his son how to be kind and compassionate. He told me 2 weeks before he passed that he was leaving my kids and I in good hands with Cory (My husband), That his job on earth was done. It broke my heart because I knew at that moment, he wouldnt be with me for something he threw his heart and soul into. I was a daughter/best friend to him, There is a 15 year age difference between us. He helped plan every last detail about my wedding, Right down to the fake fish hidden behind the cake (My husband is a avid fisherman). He tought my kids how to pee properly in a toilet (cheerios), How to ride a bike and skateboard, How to open doors for girls, How gel up thier hair and "look cool". Boy stuff. There isnt a day that I dont think of him, There isnt a day that I dont miss him, And there isnt a day that I dont wish I would awnser the phone to hear him say "whats up". But I know, He is in a better place. I know that he no longer has any pain and suffering and I know I will see him again one day. Who ever thought the old man fixing your car speaker when a 2 year old poured a cup of milk down it would become your best friend. I wish heaven had a phone. It does get easier with time.

[GP100man]

My moms birthday was today ,she would have been 72 but lost her to cancer in 09.

When she was diagnosed & heard the word cancer she gave up at that moment (I knew it as the color drained from her entire body & her eyes dulled over)

She put all in order & refused any treatment (DNR in place).

I never understood why until I was standing there with my Father when she died , almost a yr. later !

She looked over at us (we just arrived from home) & made 1 big sigh ,her eyes twinkled as to "Live" again , that was her last breath . She looked as if relieved from a great burden !!

I still don`t agree with her decision to recieve no treatment ,but have alot more respect for her decision , she never backed off or said a word the other way.

I take comfort in knowing she`s with our Heavenly Father & she`ll be waiting for me with open arms at a mansion which had been prepared & the time our family will have together cannot be comprehended by the mortal mind !!

[Bad Water Bill]

I had the DNR responsibility for both of my parents. Dads heart stopped and there was 0 power in the convalescent home where he had lived for the last 5 years with Alzheimers. 24" of falling blizzard and all roads and highways closed.

Every time we took mom to the hospital I felt like a real low life turning over the papers.

Now mom was 95 and had gone 3 ambulance rides in 2 months. When she came back home I asked her if she wanted to go back again if needed. Please let me go was her answer. Well I called the local police and informed them. For once I could be glad I had those papers.

My Mother Passed away in the house she loved, in her bed and in her sleep. I am happy that I could keep from having her pass away in a hospital bed in a building not of her liking surrounded by folks dedicated to keeping her here longer.

Even tho we hate to lose our loved ones their wishes should be granted. We will never understand why but that was their decision to make.

[madman]

To many gone to soon. My prayers are with you. God bless you.

[TXGunNut]

I answered that question in a conference with my dad's caregivers almost five years ago. He was fighting cancer but losing after a short fight. Up until that point we had refused to sign the DNR form because he was still willing to fight, but something had changed. He was to start hospice care in the nursing home the following week.
My dad gave up on life because he knew there are things in life worse than dying. Death is a welcome end to a painful terminal illness. His faith was strong but his will to live was gone, he passed away the day he was to start hospice care. He was ready, even if we weren't.
I think I'll celebrate what would have been his 80th birthday by going to the Leake collector car auction and show in OKC next weekend.

[Shiloh]

Lost my dad a month ago.
I know several other folks who dealt with the same typ of thing as your stepfather. People get fed up with having no life at all, feeling like they are a burden, and are sick of being sick and tired. They just say to heck with it and give in.

Dad had told my brother many times and me at least twice that he had no desire to prolong his life. When he collapsed at his assisted living home and was taken to the ER, he was asked about resuscitation. They asked what kind of life sustaining measures he wanted them to take.
His answer plain and simple was, none, none at all.

I am at peace because this is what he wanted. Yeah, there is the part of me that wanted him to hang on, but that was for me.
He wanted to go and I have accepted that. I miss you dad.

If I knew what to say to you to take the hurt away, I would do so in a heartbeat. If you ever figure out what to say to people to make them understand and have the hurt go away, fill me in. What a gift it would be to take people's anguish away from them and leave them comforted and at peace.

My very best Regards Tooldtocare, Shiloh