Jeff's random thought of the day #3.

[JeffinNZ]

Today my eldest girl, Kiera, who is 7, took part in her first duathalon. 1km run, 4.5km bike ride, 0.5km run. Kiera is very academic and not a hugely sporty kid so for her to fulfil this challenge, out there on her own without an adult or peer for support, is huge for us. I near broke down when she crossed the line. Yes, I am a big sook, a big girl's blouse if you will. What can I say. I love my girls. The duathalon is not the basis of today's random thought per se.

A family friend overheard another parent there today bestowing this pearl of wisdom on their child prior to the commencement of the event.

"Just remember that second is first loser."

Now let's just say/read that again.

"Just remember that second is first loser."

What on earth is wrong with parents like this? I am all for kids having a competitive spirit be why would any reasonable person consider such a statement appropriate? What is 1st place anyway? Here are some of my thoughts.

I shoot MLers semi competitively. There have been days I have returned home with a 1st place for the highest score for the shoot and not been happy with that. Why? Because I knew within myself that I did not shoot anywhere near my best. The victory was a hollow one because I knew I could have done a lot better. That I got the highest score for the day was of little consequence because I knew I didn't meet or excede my own goals. Likewise there have been days when I may have gotten 2nd or 3rd place and been rapted because I knew I had shot to the best of my abilities and someone shot even better which is great. And to my there in lies the basis of a good approach to competing.

A 'placing' is a very relative thing. I don't believe Ian "Thorpedo" Thorpe, the Aussie swimming legion, would feel much pride in beating me in the pool as though I swim competently I do so at a pace much like that of a wet week in London. Slow! Last Sunday I ran the City2Surf with my father inlaw and beat him. So what. He is 18 years my senior and hasn't trained as much as me. Apples and pears here.

I may be wrong here but I would think that those that compete to win approach it from two levels. Where as I at and where do I want to be and what is the other guy/current champ doing and how can I better that?

Badging kids with statements like "Just remember that second is first loser" in tantamount to bullying in my opinion and the sign of a parent trying to live vicariously through their child. What say you?

Sermon endith.

PS: Please tell me if my 'random thoughts' are becoming self indulgent or boring.

[clodhopper]

Don't stop I'm starting to look forward to the next one.

[starmac]

Jeff you just talked about my beef with all school sports, THE PARENTS.

This year the annual city easter egg hunt was done away with, because of how competitive the PARENTS were last year. Were talking an easter egg hunt for toddlers up to barely school age kids, a tradition that has been around forever.

I know of little league coaches literally killing each other over a kids baseball game.
There has been murders committed so that a little girl can be a cheerleader and so on.
The kids are in it for fun, but some parents can't stand to let them grow with the sport.

[Blacksmith]

The only one you have to beat is yourself. In your heart you know if you did the best you could do on that day.

In the words of Pogo "We have met the enemy and he is us."

[runfiverun]

100% honest effort they/you know if you/they gave it.
what else can you ask of yourself or others?
that doesn't mean cheat, or take short cuts, or slack off, cause there is a hill or you are losing.
it means HONEST effort...

[Mumblypeg]

Years ago I shot PPC competively. I never went to beat the other guy. I went to do the best that I had ever done. If I won my class, great but I won't kid myself. Those guys at the top are gifted and I'm not in that respect. Two things I learned... I reached a level that I never thought I could do. It took work and practice like any sport. Another one is that if a good shooter has a great day and a great shooter has a bad day, you can beat him.

[Janoosh]

Jeff, please keep the Random Thoughts coming, your thoughts are ours also. When my daughter was in school sports, I always told her "do Your best", it has carried over to her life as she now has two college degrees. Cheer them on, help when needed, but don't overwhelm them. Thanks again.

[Blacksmith]

I don't see how anyone can take any pride in winning an event in which they cheated.

[blackthorn]

First of all good for your daughter! You have every right to be a PROUD parent and I can see that you are teaching great set of values to your kids!

With respect to that other parent, putting pressure on a kid like that is, in my opinion, child abuse. It is right up there with those child abusive kid's beauty contests!

Congratulations to your daughter. Have a great day!

[lbaize3]

Kids with self-confidence are kids that do well in life. Raise your child to do the best they can and to be satisfied with their best effort. When you do the best you can it makes no difference where you place. Reward their best efforts with praise.

[jmsj]

Jeff,
I have 2 children ages 8 & 12 and both of them play sports. I waited a little longer than most to start a family but competed in a sport in college and at national amatuer level. With age I have tempered my competitiveness.
I have noticed that there seems to be two trains of thought on winning. The one promoted by the organizations is "everybody is a winner" and everybody gets a trophy. The second theme comes from some of the parents and it is along the theme that you mentioned.
I see problems with both practices. If you pander to the children and give everyone a trophy it puts no importance on trying and practiceing to do well. This is not realistic and is not preparing them for the real world. On the other hand the winning is the only thing mentality puts too much pressure and takes the joy out of playing, can lead to cheating and unsportsman like behavior.
My wife and I strive to hit a balance with our kids when it comes to in sports or anything else. For a while my son was just glad to be present and was tickled to death to get a participation trophy in the last year he has decided that they are not a good thing. One day after he received a participation trophy, he told me "They only give you these so that you don't feel like a loser". We talked about it and I told him if he put all he had into it mentally and physically that he did OK. But that doing your best is not just for gameday but in practice and training on your own. He has started putting more effort in team practice, training on his own and gameday and he is doing much better and takes pride in his efforts.
End of my random thought,
jmsj

[MT Gianni]

A close friend once said "the only way they could get me to coach would be @ the orphans home". There is a lot of wisdom there.

[Echo]

+1 for the above. The 'First Loser' comment comes from folks that don't know what competition is all about. I have won championships with scores I wasn't too proud of, and shot dang good score and won little. The competition is with oneself, not with others on the line. That's what I like about marksmanship - it's you against the course of fire, not the other competitors. They are shooting against the course of fire, too. Same with bowling, golf, &cetera.
(My son got to play a round of golf with a famous pro. Jim is a scratch golfer. The pro beat him two strokes. I believe the pro would have beat him 2 strokes no matter WHAT Jim shot.)
When I was Captain of the base pistol team @ Barksdale AFB, I kept a graph of all shooter's scores, and posted them to the team, graphically, so all could see how they were improving their scores. We won several team trophies, and the Base Commander was happy. The team members got the reinforcement of being recognized for their improvement, and the concentration was on improving scores, not winning. The BC liked the trophies.

And congrats on your dotters participation, Jeff.

[ksriverrat]

My son is in Taekwondo. He most likely will never be a great athlete. Nor will he probably achieve the level his mom or dad have at any of the martial arts.

Fact is, the love I have for him is not based on any thing closely related to any of that.

A bit more than a week ago he competed in his first contact tournament. Luke is 10 yrs. old & quite big for his age. Luke also suffers from an anxiety disorder. I was having apprehensive thoughts. Wondering if I had made the right decision making him compete, against his own desire.
With Lukes anxiety little things that that are of no consequence to others, can turn into an insurmountable, mountain on fire in his mind.

The boy Luke competed against was older,bigger & far more athletic. This boys father, a heavily muscled, corn fed stump of a fella, prior to the match, stood in the seating area constantly hollering advice at his son. I was unaware at this time his son would compete against Luke.

When the time came for Luke's match & I saw who he was going against, I was a bit concerned for him. When the match began, the corn fed stump feller stands & immediately begins hollering at his boy.
Because Stump Feller would make a better door than a window, I cant see over or around him. So I move.

The match starts & with Luke standing flat footed, stump fellers son scores 3 quick points, with Kicks to to Luke's chest & stomach area.
The second round I am feeling bad for not only Luke but also for Stump Fellers son. Taking the verbal abuse from his dad that all in the arena could hear.

Luke in this round between standing flat footed & 1/2 stepping side to side, gets with one point of tying. Before it's over Luke ties the score!!
Immediately upon scoring the tieing point, match still going, Luke with a huge, beaming smile looks up into the bleachers for mom & dad.
At this point Stump Feller is in some what of a controlled rage. Stopping just short of calling his son an idiot.
A woman seated a ways away & to the right of Stump Feller tells him hes being ridiculous.

In the final round Luke again, by standing flat footed & moving only 1/2 steps side to side {very painful to watch} gets the lead by 2 points. Each point Luke scores is followed by that huge, beaming, smile & a look up into the bleachers. Which is soon followed with the verbal abuse from Stump Feller at his son.

After the match all those in the match walked to the far side of the arena for picture taking by a professional photographer. I noticed Luke kept looking back to the area they had come from & right when it's time to get his pic taken he takes off to where he was looking.
On the bench where Luke's match took place, slumped over, was a little fella crying, who had not placed. Parents are not allowed on the floor. Luke bent over saying something to the little guy. He gets up & goes with Luke to get "HIS" picture taken & now the little guy is smiling.

Luke ended up losing this match. But in his father's mind he was the biggest winner!!
Because Luke at 10 yrs old in this match had revealed his true character
when looking back & seeing that little fella back on the bench.

But even more than that Luke showed he could stand up to life's most terrible monsters,deal with life's curve balls...... those negative things that come to every one of us in some manner while we live our lives.

Luke swung at his curve ball.....Anxiety. Luke faced his big hairy monster...... ANXIETY.
My son Luke may have lost that match but he showed him self in this loss to posses whats needed to be a winner at what so many fail miserably at.......... LIFE!!!

[Hamish]

Amen, and AMEN!

[JeffinNZ]

JMSJ makes a good point and I agree that neither the 'most winner at all costs' or the 'everyone wins' is appropriate. Society seems to have lost sight of the middle ground.

We have a recent generation of kids in this country who have never had a knock back in their life. What happens when they enter the real world? Youth suicide rates I fear will skyrocket.