A bittersweet, painful ending to a chapter in my life.

[Recluse]

Almost a year ago, I took our (adopted, now estranged) daughter to buy a car. She had done the research, so much as a nineteen-year-old female can do, and I guided her on what to look for in a make/model/year, etc.

We/she settled on a really nice little 2007 Ford Focus five-door sedan model, very low miles, excellent condition, and I negotiated the dealership down to a bit over two-thousand dollars under NADA blue book value.

We were happy.

The arrangement was that I'd sign the note and she'd make the payments and insurance. I'd help her with gas if/when needed and I'd take care of all routine and preventive maintenance.

Around Thanksgiving, she pulled another of her "going off the deep end" behavior swings, and as expected, I had to make the payments for the next few months. Come February, the relationship was over and at the end of March, she was gone.

We (wife and I) got the car back and we haven't heard from her since.

I should've just sold the car then (end of March), but I decide to help another family member out whose daughter was a year younger and graduating from high school. Outstanding young lady, zero problems.

Her dad (my cousin) and I agreed upon a down payment upon sale of her (then present) vehicle, and I went ahead and gave them the keys to the Focus.

A week later, I'm still waiting on the down payment and I get a call that the "sale of her car never materialized and that it was back for sale again." I then hear a few weeks later that it sold, but that he (cousin) had to use the money for something else.

Uh-oh. Deja vu.

Long story short, we get two payments (May and June) then the car gets wrecked--fault was someone else's, but the car is totaled and a July payment is due.

Guess who got stiffed on the July payment?

So for the past two weeks, I've been stuck with a wrecked car that every time I looked at it, I thought of the adopted girl we have no idea where she is, how she's doing or anything. Thankfully my cousin's daughter was not seriously injured in the wreck and thankfully the party-at-fault's insurance is covering almost the entire loss.

I'll only be out a couple of hundred dollars to settle the bank note, but then I'm also out a bit over $500 on payments that never materialized. This has caused some serious strain between the two families. My wife refuses to even acknowledge them anymore. Not the first time this happened (lend money to family that never gets paid back), but it IS the last.

Since the first of April, we've lost a daughter, a car, several thousand dollars, and a friendship within the family that may never be restored.

The car seems symbolic somehow. . .

[Bloodman14]

Sometimes, guy, life sucks; then, it gets worse. I got a car on my credit for my wife's niece who SWORE she'd make the payments. 3 months later, she began missing payments, swearing she had made them. Eventually, she brings the car back (A Ford Focus, by the way!). My brother took over the payments (paying me), and took off to Colorado with the car. Never made payments. Repo guy shows up at my door at 2:00 AM demanding the car! I tell him it's in Colorado. Long story short, the car gets repo'd in Co., and I'm responsible for the unpaid balance of 8K! Lesson learned? HELP NOBODY, including family. I feel for you, Recluse, I really do.

[Southern Son]

Recluse, I think that you are the sort of bloke that if you didn't try and help out your family, you would still have felt bad. Kind of a loose/loose situation.

[square butte]

My dear wife has a saying which I have always loved and appreciated - " If you are alive and breathing, then you are going to be screwed - and probably more than once. - Just part of the cost of being alive". I do tend to agree, even though painfully so. My saying is - "I'm just old enough to not want to be screwed more than once by the same person." That said - I do hope you are able - and soon - to throw it all over the soulder and walk forward toward better things.

[blackthorn]

I made it a rule NEVER to co-sign for anyone's loan. That rule was put in place during times when I could not stand to be stiffed financially! I can (and do) help out my kids and grand kids at times and have (at times) lent (loaned) them money BUT I do that conciously knowing that often that "loan" will turn out to be a "gift". Some times I get it back and sometimes I dont. If I cant afford to lose it the "loan" just dont happen! That said---Recluse I feel your pain and dissapoitment.

[justingrosche]

A couple of years ago, I took in my niece who was on the streets after her mom and dad kicked her out. I got her through highschool, and provided for her the whole time w/o receiving a penny from my BIL.
If I had to do it again, I would. Even though the only time she calls she needs money. Sometimes you just have to do those things, even when you know its going to bite you in the ass.
Best wishes to you and your family, Recluse.

[armexman]

You Mr. Recluse are a model of what a true kind person is. I have for many months seen and read through your post the travails you have gone through in this board life. My admiration for your kindness and knowledge is a blessing form the Lord. Through yours and other's experiences I been have taught (almost as much as my Grandfathers and Father and a little bit of Life) what it means to have the strength and faith to continue thru this vale of tears. Plus you share your reloading and casting experiences

Let it be known by all, I do not Kowtow to anybody but God and My Wife!! So I'm very sincere about this post.

[Trey45]

A person who is no longer my friend, and you'll soon find out why, asked me to cosign a car loan for him. He wanted a big 4x4, something WAY out of his price range, a status symbol car. I told him I wouldn't cosign for ANY car for him, especially that truck he could never afford. He asked me why, I explained, when, not if, but when you default on the payments, who do you think the bank is going to come after, you or me. He told me "Well, if I missed a payment and you had to pay, I'd pay you back eventually"

Eventually? Really? That just exudes LOADS of confidence.

You know how it is, sometimes you just have to cull people out of your life. Sometimes it hurts to do it, sometimes, it really feels good.

[Char-Gar]

I was taught as a child that you never did business with a family member. You can give anything and everything you own to a family member, but you never sell it to them. That was and is a good rule. I still live by it and give away allot of stuff. When you stick profit and loss into a family, very often a family is destroyed.

I am truly sorry for your situation. It has got to hurt.

[fatelk]

It seems like there are two kinds of people, when it comes to loans. There are those who will go to the ends of the earth to pay you back, even if you have forgotten, and there are those who try hard to forget as soon as possible.

I think there are more of the former type than we realize, but they don't often borrow unsecured money because of the weight they feel to pay it back ASAP, that and a little pride and self-respect. The latter type will ask whenever they get a chance because they really feel no obligation to repay. After all, you have money and they don't; isn't it only fair that you should just give it to them?

Sometimes it's sad to find out that someone you care about is that way. I think it says a lot about your character that you are willing to help someone out. You never know what kind of impact you may have on someone's life, even if you don't see it right away. Maybe someday they will wake up and realize what you did for them and how foolish they were to throw it away.

[shooterg]

You may never get repaid in this life, but you will reap the rewards in the next.

[3006guns]

Your wife has the correct attitude. Follow her example and I mean that as constructive criticism, not a derisive remark. I respect you too much.

Recluse......normally I have a very caring, Christian attitude toward people but I've been stung badly several times by family members. I mean BADLY, as in thousands of dollars loaned and never paid back. I sold my house to a family member...shorted me several thousand. I cosigned a car loan for my own son....I ended up paying the damn thing off to stop the bank's phone calls. Money loaned to my ex-wife's uncle with horses for colateral (boy, that WAS stupid) only to find out that the horses were sold before they even asked for the money, then they left the state. The list of stupid mistakes goes on and on. Hell, I still owe money on a cosigned student loan for my stepson and will probably die before it's paid off. Knowing the federal government they'll be digging me up to demand payment. My last "loan" was to my other stepson and his wife so they could get into a nicer house, but I made it abundently clear that I wanted that money back as it came out of my retirement savings.

I would put the amount loaned to everyone at around $50,000 all totaled and I got very little of it back. Now I'm out on a disability and could use the cash that I earned, yet it seems that everyone suddenly doesn't know me.

The problem with people like us is that we WANT to help someone in need, especially if it's family. I honestly think that a family member doesn't realize that a business deal is exactly that, business. You need that money as much as they do and taking advantage because you're "family" is outright deceitful.

[felix]

Banks do not loan money to anyone without assurance of getting paid back. So, why should you? A trick I used to get good credit for my sons was to use credit cards in their name only. Use different credit card companies for each child. In about 6 months or so if the card has not been used, they will send checks out trying to make you use the checks up to the credit limit. DO IT, MAXING OUT THE CARD! Have the children write checks, bank the checks, and then repay within a month or two with all interest. Replicate that several times, keeping in mind it takes money (interest) to make money (raising the credit limit). Now that a universally favorable record had been made, get COMMERCIAL student loans for the children and max that out as like it was a credit card. Pay that off in about 3 months. Two months later look at the childrens' credit reports. Amazing! Keep that going until they are out of college, and the kids will have inherent financial backing. ... felix

[Char-Gar]

Felix.. Before there were credit cards, folks built their credit in much the same way. They went to the bank and borrowed a small sum of money for 30 days. In 30 days they paid back the note. They borrowed more for the same time and paid it back. This continued until they bank was willing to loan them a huge sum of money on their signature. The money was deposited in another bank for interest. All that was required to pay it off was the difference between the interest received and the interest paid. You ended up with good credit in two banks. I was taught this by a Professor in Law school back in the early 60's.

Your counsel on this matter is rock solid.

[gray wolf]

JD--you have helped Julie and I, and don't think for a moment that we will ever for get it.
It hurts me to know that someone would treat you with anything but the utmost respect
and honesty. I hope you remain the person you are, It would be a shame to loose you to
the injustices and miss deeds of others.
Stay strong my friend, There is much good out there.

Sam

[Jailer]

Never EVER loan money to anyone unless you are willing to consider it a gift with NO strings attached.

[exile]

Recluse,

Sorry to hear that you are getting the short end of the stick in this situation. Sometimes it helps to keep in mind that not all rewards are given on this earth. In fact, the biggest rewards that we receive may be in heaven. So, keep looking out for those you love, even if you get shafted at times. You are a good guy, even if your adopted daughter and relatives are too short-sighted to realize that. Hopefully they will some day, but if they don't, there is always someone who does.

exile

[468]

Recluse. your intent was to help someone. I think, somehow, you knew there was a probability of non payment. You are to be commended for your generousity and non-judgement. You will be rewarded.

[uncle joe]

Recluse, I think that you are the sort of bloke that if you didn't try and help out your family, you would still have felt bad. Kind of a loose/loose situation.

exactly!!
Have no fear, our folks are the same way. It goes from one drama to another. Keep your chin up your a good guy.

[Lonerider]

It would seem that we all can come up with stories of simliar and well meaning hearts. I too go along with a couple of post. I can't even count how many vehicles I have given away to help someone that at the time needed it. Knowing full well, they would not be able to repay for a very long time, if ever. So for me, if I have and I can do with out it and it will help someone to survive even for just a short term, I will alway give it as a gift and not a loan. Figuring, if someday they are able to get things togethers, things have a habit of returning more then I can give.

If you PM me, I had a situation very simliar to yours but with a good friend, he wrecked the vehicle and skip the country....Came to a point, where I just shrug my shoulders and moved on. I do not regret trying to help him.....for me....it was the right thing to do at the time.

My greats concern for you and your family....is the disappearance of your adopted daughter.

To this day, I do no know wher my children Heather and Cody are. Last I had heard they were in Nebraska or Wyoming. Not a day goes by that a tear does not fall.

The car was just steel and rubber....but a daughter is so much more.

You and your family will be in my prayers this week.

Lonerider.