Police Humor

[MGySgt]

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.......................AND THE WINNER IS....


#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Jumptrap]

I've got few to add to that list.

1: I'm a prick with a badge.

2: Your Liberty ends when my day begins.

3: You have the right to remain silent, open your mouth and I'll beat your brains out.

4: It's my priviledge to speed and also my job to deny you the same pleasure.

5: I have a license to kill and you have an opportunity for me to exercise it.

6: That was nice upholstery, I love it when I rip it open with my utility knife looking for hidden marijuana......and Ocassionally, I find some.

7: Is this your real address on your drivers license grandma?

8: Hi Miss, I clocked you going 57 in a 55 zone. That'll cost you $133.50 or a blow job..or both depending on how good you are.

9: Look Pal, there are citizens and then there are us, you pay the bill and we make you ill...get over it.

10: God, I love my job! Free car and gas, unlimited speed, get out of jail free card, guns and ammo, running targets, and I get paid to be an asshole!

[Bret4207]

Been working since 3:00AM and now it's 5:00PM so I'm tired and have been dealing with **** all day. So I'll make it short- Jump buddy, please don't push the lanuage envelope. Thanks.

There, I just wasted my breath.

Love the jokes though.

[Jumptrap]

Hmmm, is that a warning or a citable offense?


I have had little run ins with the Law, but my experiences are less than rewarding. I have no need for anybody to run me down in a car and then look at me like a bull with a bastard calf, read me the sedition act and then take a healthy portion of my earnings and feel some smug sense of satisfaction by having put me in my place. The look is always the same...expressionless, cold and hateful. Mr. All Business, Translated, don't FWM or I'll shoot you. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling throughout.

Those of us on the other side have to find some dark humor in the arrangement, else we'd all be miserable as hell. Sorta like the folks in East Germany were.

[MGySgt]

Well Jump -

If you were speeding and the law came after you - you were in the wrong and got caught.

All Business? Yes they are and they have to be - They never know what is going to happen and what the attitude of the driver is.

Is he (or she) running drugs?

Is he (or she) wacked out on something?

Did he just rob some one?

Or is he just a working smuck on his (or her) way home with too many things going through their brains and not paying attention to thier driving (I am guilty of this one) and push the speed a little too much.

They too want to go home to their loved ones after 'work' and play with the kids or momma.

That is one job I do not want and I thank God that we have people like Bret that do the job!

JMHO -

Drew

[Bret4207]

Jump, it's not the jokes. Love 'em! You and I have talked about "the law" before. This has nothing, NOTHING!!!!, to do with the jokes. Tell a million of them. This is a polite, POLITE, request that EVERYONE NEW AND OLD try and maintain the standard language-wise. Thats all. Period. No insult felt by me 'cuz of the jokes. Get it? Good and thank you.

My one monent of quick thinking- We'd pulled over a know drug dealer after weeks of waiting for him to screw up. His girl friend ( one of the best looking women I ever saw, why???) says, "You guys are cute" with obvious venomn in her voice. I said, "Ma'am the fact you find me physically attractive isn't important, please get out of the car." That really made her mad.

[Four Fingers of Death]

When I was a youbgster my friend and I were tearing along a back road in our cars and I couldn't get past him in the straight and I couldn't get past the wallowing tank he was driving on the bends. We got pinged and when the rather mature officer finally got up pulled over he said 'good race boys, here, first prize, $80, second prize, $40' (big money in those days). I can smile now, but I was not impressed then. Mick.

[Jumptrap]

Peace be unto you....all.

I live in a different world than most of you. I suppose being a citizen of the backwoods of rural Kentucky has had a different effect upon than the rest of you.

I come from a place of strict party politics...if you're not tied in with the cliche at the courthouse...you're in deep dung.

Furthermore, perhaps the KSP is different than those occifers in other states and Commonwealths. These folks dressed in gray are expressionless automatons, armed to the teeth and have not the slightest hesitation to shoot you. They have been ran through an "Academy" that teaches them that everybody...including grandma, is their potential nemisis and every person must be regarded with suspicion. They are unfriendly, callous, and much like a pit bull...you never know what the animal is thinking or likely to do. That is all part of the psychological warefare they play....put everybody at unease, maintain the upperhand, never inform anybody what they have a right to say or protest..make them mice to be toyed with, at will. You think you as a citizen have Liberty? Bullshit! This so called freedom can be taken from you instantly and you are left with the problem of getting out of jail or whatever mess some gallant patrol person inflicts upon you. He fills out his paperwork and heads on his merry way without regard as to the **** he just imposed in your life. If questioned, the response is always the same......just doing my job. HAR! I think lots of folks would like to have the power to just walk up and demand that you obey their beck and command and they with the knowledge..that you'll club their brains out or shoot them if they don't jump. That isn't Lberty, that is control by the State...subjugation. And, I resent it.

[StarMetal]

Jump,

We're all in the same boat. I think the State Police of all states are trained just about the same. You should live in some of the states where no matter what they pull you over for its "Get out of the car...put your hands on the roof, spread your legs" and that's with revolver pulled too. One such place, and it's not like this anymore was early Oklahoma. Boy that's a shocker if it ever happened to you. As you know I grew up in the Pitts area of Pa. I meant the troopers often in my early street hotrodding day. Because my 1st cousin was a WELL known and LOVED Pa State Trooper, I was left go quite a few times. Got the old "You so and so relative?" Yup, they'd say, "Well take it easy will ya". Probably not right, I probably should have gotten a ticket. But tell you what. When my cousin come over to the house I got my ear chewed out good, by but him and my Dad. I knew alot of the troopers and they really were nice guys. My cousin was super nice, but at work he was strictly business, even with me. Not a prick, but business. Now I'm not sticking up for the Troopers on the forum, I admit there are alot of them that are pricks (not on the forum, I mean in the country, of course some of them on the forum may be, but I don't know that) but there are alot of good ones too. Each type of job has it's bad people. Let me ask you this: If you were driving down the road and saw a trooper in dire need of emergency help, possible save his life, would you stop and help? I would, even knowing a few of them in my life have pissed me off.

Hey Jump, where else you going to have a fat out of shape Trooper pull you over and come up to your window and lay his arms on the sill and say "Thas hare one of them racin cars...ain't it boy?"

Joe

[KYCaster]

Try explaining to the nice ossifer why you have 50,000 boolits and 30,000 primers in yer truck!!

Jerry

Hint: It really helps to have gun related logos on your t-shirt and hat. (NRA, USPSA, Colt, S&W, Glock, etc.) Anything to start a conversation.

[Jumptrap]

Jerry,

There is no need to explain anything. That's the whole point. Last I looked, the goons in Frankfort hadn't made a law against owning bullets and primers!

Joe,

I'd stop and help anybody in dire need, regardless. Might be my undoing someday, but I believe in the common goodness of most people.....I have no paranoia that everybody is out to get me. I don't always know what to expect from a common person....but I do if they are in a uniform and packing iron.

[Blackwater]

I have seen and know both sides of this story. Here in Ga., speed traps are not exactly an "unknown phenomena." Ludowici used to cite their "million dollar stoplight" with much pride and only half suppressed giggles. Seems they had a light (the only real red light in town) that SOMEbody had "adjusted" so that the green light in one direction would come on while the cross traffic light would STILL be green. Many accidents, and each one got a ticket, usually. Also many citations for running a "red light," since the officers would see a car turn when the cross light was still green. Made for funds aplenty in the town treasury.

Then along came Governor Lester Maddox, oft the brunt of "jokes" from the Atlanta liberal press, etc. Nobody ever cited the fact that the state's economy grew more under his leadership than any before or since, but that's another story. Lester revoked the Ludowici police's powers of arrest. Wish we had ol' Lester back, all his shenanigans notwithstanding.

Today, it's mostly the city fathers who decide to "earn" enough $$$ for whatever pet project they have by creating traffic situations very conducive to violation by rational folks who don't have to do anything "unsafe" to violate said setup. Of course, they take advantage of increasing the fines for violations, too - just to make SURE - but it's the officers involved, who have families and need to keep their jobs, that have to do the "dirty work." A man makes his decisions, I guess. These setups may be technically "legal," but they sure as heck aren't "ethical" nor "moral" in my book. They're plain and simple, nothing but fund raising tools, instituted and executed with NOTHING but fund raising in mind. Not what I always envisioned as "law and order." More like "legalized theft," if you ask me.

I've also seen bad guys walk on technicalities. The solution is NOT to harass (that's what it basically is, all being said and done) the citizenry or passers through.

I was once riding with the commander of the local state patrol, and I gingerly noted that the guys coming out of the trooper academy seemed to come out seething and with fire in their eyes for a good fight. This was way back when the Hell's Angels and others put shotguns in the handlebars of their bikes and killed some officers in cold blood. The Sgt. noted, in a low pitched, slow southern drawl, "Yeah. They've got to get out on the road and get beat up real good a time or two and they'll settle down and become good officers." That pretty well sums it up, IMO, and that's how most of them - the ones that STAYED in law enforcement - went. Not so true nowadays. Seems that storm trooper mentality, especially among some of the ex-military guys, seems to be getting stronger. Off the job, they're mostly pleasant enough, but ON the job .... quite another story.

It's said that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely (from one'a them Latin guys, wasn't it?). I reckon so. Some folks just can't handle a little power without its going to their heads. Most LEO's are as fine a set of men as you'll ever find in ANY large group of humans. It just seems that there are more of those OTHER kind these days, and most of the best LEO's I've known don't think much more of that sort than I do.

When talking of any large group, it's not good to generalize too much, but there ARE politicos pulling the strings of any LE group, and THAT is where the "problems" really start and end, in reality. Funny, but those things just don't tend to change real fast or quickly.

I think it was Solzenetskin (sp?) who said you can tell the character of a people by their prisons. There's a lot of truth in that, but it's also true that you can tell a lot about the character of a people by the character of their cops, too. Ultimately, the cops reflect the prevalent character, or lack thereof, of a given locale, but the politicos there are the principal creator of these factors. Politics run ALL our lives MUCH more than we realize. That's why the Founders fought so dang hard, and gave so very much, for our right and privilege to VOTE. They also gave us freedom of speech, but they never said there'd be no repercussions from same. It COSTS something to create a stink in a closed political system. But it costs NOT to speak out, and pay whatever price that ensues, just as much, if not moreso. One man can't change things, and I know at least a little of what Jump faces in his "system" in his neck of the woods. Of course, Jump's smiling face doesn't exactly give the LEO's "warm fuzzies," either I'd suspect???? :mrgreen: And Jump's tendency to say what he wants, too, doesn't fit well into the "master plan" of those situations either.

Jump, my brother, it's guys like you who keep guys like them from takin' over whole hog. If I was one of those guys, I don't think I'd want to roust you TOO much. Never know what consequences might ensue .... with a guy like you. :mrgreen: Jump my brother, stay as you are - your cuddly rascal you! :drinks:

[StarMetal]

One question: Why does all LE wear sunglasses? That part of the uniform?

Joe

[Junior1942]

My cop buddy Dennis D., a member of this forum, used to have a plaque on his desk stating this quotation: Any act of authority by one man over another man without just cause is tyranny.

[Dutch4122]

One question: Why does all LE wear sunglasses? That part of the uniform?

Joe


I wear sunglasses at work on bright, sunny days; just like many people in any occupation do. I also happen to wear them at home when mowing my lawn or when driving my personal car; and nobody seems to have a problem with that. It is allowed for me to do so at work as long as those sunglasses are black framed and the lenses are black or mirrored. As long as those sunglasses conform to the standard which I have mentioned then yes, they are considered to be an optional part of the uniform.

I work for a township police department whose jurisdiction borders the north end of Flint, Michigan. We are not required to remove our sunglasses when speaking with anyone. Whether on a 911 call, traffic stop, or any other situation where we are outdoors. We are also not required to wear hats when outside of the office/car like the Michigan State Police are required to do.

Most bigger agencies seem to be more strict on the wearing of sunglasses/hats than the smaller LE agencies in the state of Michigan. Admittedly, I can't speak for other states and departments I have no contact with.

Bottom line is, I wear sunglasses because of several reasons. Reduced strain on my eyes by the end of the day due to the fact that as I get older the sunlight bothers me more on brighter days. Could be due to all the years I spent on night shift and maybe my eyes have never fully adjusted back. Also, there is a history of eye problems in both sides of my family that are caused by over-exposure/no protection from the sunlight. I'd like to avoid some of those problems in the future by possible protecting my eyes better now.

I don't wear sunglasses at work to look intimidating, cool, or for any other reason than I have mentioned above. As a matter of fact I find them a pain in the ass and uncomfortable.

As for the "character" or lack there of concerning law enforcement in this country in general. I think the best comment made was that you get jerks in every field and every walk of life. Nobody seems to notice the good that anybody does whether we're talking about cops or any other group/profession.

[357maximum]

C,mon Matt you know you wear them raybans to scare old women and intimidate youngsters. HaHa

Seriously everytime I have been pulled over, I had one thought in my head "busted" because I knew why exactly I was being pulled over for. It seems my foot gets a lil heavy on long drives. I have never had a bad experience with a LEO, other than a few give me what I honestly deserved. A few actually give me less than I deserved at that moment, and a couple actually warned me not to do it again. The way a LEO treats you has alot to do with the way you treat them.

The only "ISSUE" I have is with seat belt laws, and that was not created by the officers enforcing it. I know several officers and they are all HUMAN, and not so different from the average JOE. They are forced to deal with shtuff on a regular basis that would make all of us CAUTIOUS in the dealings along roadways. It is not a job I would want..it is bad enough working in the road right of way and trying to stay out of the way of some of the four wheeled idiots out there.

Michael

[Dutch4122]

C,mon Matt you know you wear them raybans to scare old women and intimidate youngsters. HaHa
Michael

Raybans! Why spend good money on overexpensive eyewear! I go for the $15.00 fishing sunglasses with UV and anti-glare at the sporting goods store. LOL!

As long as I don't look like granny with the side panel sunglasses I'm okay with it. Besides, they usually last 4-6 months and then it's time from another pair 'cause they been lost or broken in a fight at work. Don't normally leave them on If I think it's gonna go there; but sometimes you don't have time to get rid of them before schtuff happens.

[waksupi]

Maybe I need to bootleg sunglasses to you guys! We have a Dollar Store here, and they have some darn good sunglasses for a buck.

[357maximum]

"As long as I don't look like granny with the side panel sunglasses I'm okay with it." Matt


I don't know, I find them big glasses and the blue hair quite fetching, once you go blue nothing else will do.. Har de Har Har....

[waksupi]

[quote=357maximum]"As long as I don't look like granny with the side panel sunglasses I'm okay with it." Matt


Yeah, where did those side panels come from? Were they welders, when they were younger? Skiers use panelled glasses on the sunny days, but I don't see all that many blue hairs on the slope. They tend to hang out in bingo parlors, and other low places. They do produce a nice raccoon effect after they have has some sun, though.

[KYCaster]

[QUOTE=waksupi


Yeah, where did those side panels come from? Were they welders, when they were younger?



Standard issue after cataract surgury.

Jerry

[Dutch4122]

Standard issue after cataract surgury.
Jerry


Exactly one of the problems I'm trying to avoid, LOL! :)

[waksupi]

[quote=waksupi


Yeah, where did those side panels come from? Were they welders, when they were younger?



Standard issue after cataract surgury.

Jerry

That sounds like a good reason. Mom is having the surgury done this week for the first eye, so I guess she will get to be cool!

[KYCaster]

Ric: My Mom had both eyes done two years ago, about four months apart, wore the "Space Man Spiff" glasses most of the year. She'll be 90 YO this Dec. and she's talking about getting a new car.

She drives waaayyyy too fast and cheats at cards. Thinks she can get away with it cause she's a blue-hair. I just don't know what this older generation is comming to!!!!!!

Jerry

[StarMetal]

Jerry,

Bless that woman, your mom. I have one surviving aunt that's going to be 92, from seven aunts and uncles I've had. My mom passed away when I was 12. I'm glad you've gotten to enjoy your mother so many years. Enjoy her somemore for me pardner.

Joe

[ebner glocken]

Expensive eyewear? I was a welder for a number of years and have had a couple of pairs of raybans, both pitted from wearing while riding motorcycles. Nowdays I wear those #2-#3 shade safety glasses I get for free at work. About 6 or 8 weeks of wearing those they get scratched up, give 'em a pitch and get a new pair.

[waksupi]

Mom don't drive, but, boy, does she cheat at cards! Good thing she never played with Wild Bill Hickok. I'd be an orphan.

[montana_charlie]

I'm no cop, but if I were I would wear sunglasses whenever possible.

- If a citizen says something which angered me, my eyes would show it first. No need for him to know he can 'get to me'.

- If a citizens 'sob story' was about to bring a tear to my eye, he doesn't need to know that until after I have decided to give him a break...or not.

- If one of two citizens thinks I am looking intently at his buddy, he might try to slip something into hiding...or reach for a weapon. I would prefer to see that directly (without it being obvious) rather than catching it out of the corner of my eye.

Glasses also provide some protection from being blinded by dirt, powder, or aerosol cans should the citizen decide to attack...or flee.

Just like I watch for signs of agitation and relaxation in dogs, horses, and cattle - if I am 'interacting' with a cop and he decides to take off his glasses to write my ticket...or give me directions on a map...I know I will get 'better service' from this 'public servant' if he does not consider me a danger to himself.
CM

[StarMetal]

Wow! I would have never imagined my sunglasses comment would have caused such a stir.

Joe

[KCSO]

On the other hand I am old 1/2 blind and wear photograys.