Old British Military Humour

[grumpy one]

The colonel thinks it's time he visited the troops in the base hospital - boost morale, check for malingering, etc. During his tour he goes into a ward for minor maladies, with only three patients. The ward is pretty bare except for beds and a small table in the center of the room with just a bottle of Dettol disinfectant and a brush on it.

Colonel approaches the first occupied bed, asks the soldier his name and role, then goes through his standard drill. "What's your condition, soldier?" "SAH, ATHLETE'S FOOT, SAH!" "What's your treatment?" "SAH, WIRE BRUSH AND DETTOL, SAH!" "And what's your attitude?" "SAH, MY LIFE FOR KING AND COUNTRY, SAH!"

He approaches the second bed. "What's your condition, soldier?" "SAH, HEMORRHOIDS, SAH!" "What's your treatment?" "SAH, WIRE BRUSH AND DETTOL, SAH!" "And what's your attitude?" "SAH, MY LIFE FOR KING AND COUNTRY, SAH!"

The colonel walks up to the third bed. "What's your condition, soldier?" "SAH, TONSILLITIS, SAH!" "What's your treatment?" "SAH, WIRE BRUSH AND DETTOL, SAH!" "And what's your attitude?" "SAH, GET UP EARLY IN THE MORNINGS, SAH!"

[imashooter2]

Huh! Somebody has to explain this one to me...

[Linstrum]

WHOO WEE!! Talk about caught between a rock and a hard place!

Okay, Imashooter 2, my take on it is that they all share the same wire brush and bottle of Dettol, so the guy with the tonsilitis gets up earlier than everybody else out of self defense. You see, that way he gets to use the brush and Dettol in his mouth before they get contaminated with athlete's foot toe jam and posterior orifice hemmorhoid jam!

[trooperdan]

That subtle British humor I see! :) Good One!

[krag35]

Thanks Linstrum, I didn't get it either.
krag35

[montana_charlie]

Although I don't always 'get it', I have always enjoyed British humor for it's subtlety. My favorite story (so far) is...

A man knocks on his neighbor's door and it's opened by the wife. He says to her, "Hello, I'd like to have a word with Charlie, if he's about.

Whereupon, the wife's eyes well up with tears, she holds her apron to her mouth, and says with a cracking voice, "Oh! My poor Charlie! It was yesterday at morning tea when he suddenly clutched his chest and fell to the floor. I called help at once, and did my best to comfort him...but he died just as the ambulance arrived! It was his heart, they said."

The visitor paused a moment, then replied, "Well, that is a terrible thing. But say listen...before he died...did Charlie say anything to you about a pot of brown paint?"

[NVcurmudgeon]

Old British Sergeant lecturing a class of armorer trainees during the darkest days of WWII:

"We can't get the proper rifle stock wood we need in wartime, but there are several serviceable substitutes. Helm makes good stocks, hoak is usable but heavy, and 'ondouras ma'ogany is excellent, if it gets past the U-boats."

Voice from the back of the room: "Sergeant, don't you mean to say oak, elm, and Hondouras mahogany?"

The sergeant ignored the interruption and went right on with his lecture:

"Another rare wood we can use is lignum vitae, which is used as piles for piers. And to satisfy the curiosity of the troublemaker in the back row, does not mean 'emmoroids for haristocrats."