make your after death wishes known

[Battis]

My brother had a heart attack Thanksgiving night, and passed at 2AM Friday. My wife and I had to help his wife make the decision to pull the plug - that's a tough one. They had no kids.
We had to guess at what he wanted when he died. We're going with cremation. He had no will. The VA will supply a marker, a flag and possibly someone to play Taps.
We're working with my sister-in-law to straighten out his finances. She was in the dark over basic things like car insurance, car payments, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. She'll work it all out, but it's tough on her.
I'm going to have my after death instructions tattooed on my chest - do not resuscitate, etc.
How do you complain about a priest? They asked us if we wanted one just before he died, and we said OK, then an hour later I asked where the priest was. It was too cold for him to come out. OK.....

[fivegunner]

May God Bless the family .

[Reg]

I can only say ditto to what Battis has said above. Had a lifelong friend pass a couple years ago. Wife long left him and he did not get along with his kids at all. A sad case for sure. Many times over and over he would tell me how he wanted things to go with his passing and I always told him PUT IT ON PAPER. He never did.
Well, he did pass and he never put anything on paper and yes. Nothing went as he wanted. Nothing.
The ex tried to intervene, the kids fought and it turned out very badly. Nothing he wanted done was done.

If its really how you feel.

PUT IT ON PAPER

[RogerDat]

Having your wishes set out, having family or more importantly the executor you select know where the important papers are will save loved ones a whole bunch of hassle while they are in the middle of dealing with the loss. A couple years after my father passed we found a typed up list of items and peoples names. Think it was who he wanted to have the item. By then the entire estate had been settled and we would have had to try and do this massive swap. We finally decided to leave things as they were.

If you want a simple ceremony and cremation say so, otherwise family will often be inclined to go for more rather than less. Or worse yet have disagreements about how much to spend. If you want your family to have less so you can have a fancier coffin it's your business but if you would rather have your family get that $$$ and be cremated in a cardboard coffin you need to say so.

If you pick two executors make sure they get along. Know of a fellow and his half sister who didn't and were both named executors. A mess to put it mildly.

If you have a spouse it makes sense to figure on only yourself or both of you dying at the same time. Don't forget that both scenario especially if you have a pet that you would want to see taken care of by someone you and the pet know. That can be tough to figure out and just like god parents for young children it has to be discussed with the person before putting down that you want them to take your pet.

We agreed to take the dog of an elderly aunt if it needed a home as long as she got the breed my wife liked. She did but in the end the neighbor was who the dog went with because the neighbor saw the dog daily, and groomed it for the aunt. We just wanted the aunt to be able to get another dog which she wouldn't do if she had to worry about it being orphaned. At some point the aunt said her neighbor wanted the dog if he needed a new home so it all worked out well.

[AZ Pete]

You not only need to make your wishes known, but select someone you can trust to assure that they are followed. I will not share the details, but I had to assert myself to make my fathers executor follow his written wishes. It was not pleasant.


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[legend 550]

If he was a veteran contact the area American Legion post. They will provide full military honers member or not .
Sorry for your loss

[Goatwhiskers]

For my Dad the subject end of life was forbidden and not discussed. Sure enough here in Louisiana with our peculiar Napoleonic Code based laws he died intestate. My good friend, an attorney, was able to help and my brother and I agreed that Mom should take title to the land and house. A little later I was able to convince Mom to go to the same attorney and make a will without any suggestions from me. As it happens I wound up with the land and house. My wife and I in turn went and made our wills. Since my wife passed on I have gone back and revised mine as the land and house were in my name anyway. My son and daughter are provided for. Just remembered, I need to provide for my small rifle and equipment collection as my son has zero interest in reloading or odd calibers. Main message is: Put It On Paper to be sure that what you want is done! GW

[Battis]

The VA will pay $250 towards a headstone. From what I understand, the US Government provides the marker. His ashes will be buried in my parent's grave, and the marker will be placed in front of their headstone. The best thing he ever did for his wife was not to put her name on his credit cards and the vehicle lease - she's not responsible for anything that her name is not on. If he had an estate set up, she'd be responsible for everything.

[Reverend Al]

My wife and I both have our wills and Power of Attorneys up to date. I've drafted about 3 pages of final wishes about what to do with all of my "stuff" when I'm gone and final wishes for cremation, etc. We are now both joint on all of our bank accounts and retirement investment accounts so that if something happens all of our assets go to the last survivor and stay out of the probate process and avoid taxation. (These are of course Canadian law and all legal for us here in British Columbia.) Much as you hate to think about it you should have your affairs in order just in case something unexpected happens. Nothing worse than leaving a huge mess in your aftermath for a grieving spouse or your family to deal with ...

[Riverpigusmc]

I was under the impression that the VA would not provide anything for a cremation, had to be a grave site. I am probably wrong, don't remember where I heard that. When my dad passed I was told that the marker would be an Air Force marker as the VA would no longer provide the Army Air Corp Markers. Kinda chapped my arss but it is what it is.

My father was a WWII vet. When he was cremated, he received a plot in a national cemetery, an honor guard, taps, and I received the folded flag. They also supplied the marker. Vets should contact their VA rep and make arrangements

[Adam_Selene]

Battis, I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

I'll second the message. When my grandmother died at the age of 98, it was a little unexpected but we'd known for years that one day the call would come. Her written plans of what she wanted her service to look like were a colossal help, and that's for a family that was well-prepared to deal with the loss.

[Circuit Rider]

Am in my late 70's and in good health. But you never know when it could happen. I'm in the process of writing out exactly what and how I want my things dispersed and to be cremated. My step sons will get exactly what I want them to get. My Daughter will get the bulk of it. CR

[Battis]

There's another side to not naming what you want if things go bad - my brother's heart had been stopped for 30 minutes before they got a pulse. They kept pumping him with meds, his heart would work, then stop, and they'd bring back a pulse. He never regained consciousness. After quite awhile, the DR told us that severe brain damage can occur after the heart is stopped for 6 minutes. If we had known that, or if he had a do not resuscitate order in place, we never would have kept going. I just hope he wasn't trapped in a nightmare while they kept trying to bring him back. Broken ribs, broken blood vessels - it was pretty bad. I told my wife no longer than 7 minutes if I drop.

[Hickory]

I want my name taken off the voting roles.
I don't want to die knowing that I may become a democrat voter.

[jonp]

My brother had a heart attack Thanksgiving night, and passed at 2AM Friday. My wife and I had to help his wife make the decision to pull the plug - that's a tough one. They had no kids.
We had to guess at what he wanted when he died. We're going with cremation. He had no will. The VA will supply a marker, a flag and possibly someone to play Taps.
We're working with my sister-in-law to straighten out his finances. She was in the dark over basic things like car insurance, car payments, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. She'll work it all out, but it's tough on her.
I'm going to have my after death instructions tattooed on my chest - do not resuscitate, etc.
How do you complain about a priest? They asked us if we wanted one just before he died, and we said OK, then an hour later I asked where the priest was. It was too cold for him to come out. OK.....

I'm sorry but "it was too cold for him"?????? Which denomination was this? If Catholic this should be taken up with the Bishop of the Diocese and straightened out. I strongly urge you to pursue this.

As for end of life wishes, please everyone make out a will. A simple will such as found on Legal Zoom will suffice. Even if you don't have anything to leave to someone else it will help make everything much easier.

[waksupi]

I just updated mine a few weeks ago. Of course, there were things I forgot so will be putting updates in my safe, that the executors have the combination to.

[Dieselhorses]

Sorry to hear about your brother, prayers going to you and family. I have 3 brothers and cant fathom losing any of em but I know when it's your time-it's your time. It makes you think, I know I always do about passing and there is no way I can take care of arrangements I "go". So yes, a brief will, instructional or even a selfie video can generally take the headache out of tying up the loose ends. Again, my prayers are with you.

[Battis]

Thanks for the condolences.

[jonp]

Thanks for the condolences.

I didn't put it in but i'm sorry for your loss and know what it's like. I've lost 2 sisters and both parents. My prayers are with you

[Battis]

Thanks

[wildwilly]

Not to highjack this thread, but something to consider. Although neither in-law is deceased, my wife and BIL had to place both parents in an assisted care facility (both suffering dementia and immobility)....a nice place, but not of their volition.

Apparently, my FIL, never thinking that the day may come, did not make serious preparations for the "what if". So, he listed his wife as power of attorney for all of his financial and health affairs , should he become incapacitated. Here's the rub......she is neither able to make any decision, financial, or medical, knows nothing of their finances, and cannot even write a check. This has created many problems with my wife and BIL having to wrest POA from their mother, and the banks.

And having to deal with disposing of assets (vehicles, furniture, house) to enable my wife and BIL to supplement the costs of assisted care for two people. What a mess!!!

[JRD]

Battis,
My condolences on the loss of your brother.
I recently lost my aunt, whom I served as power of attorney for. I am now a strong advocate of pre-planning. I was with my aunt when we met with the funeral home a couple years ago. My aunt made all her selections right down to the music she wanted played and pre-paid for everything.
She went through a rapid decline in health. In the last two years I helped her from her condo, into assisted living, and then to a nursing home. Her transition to hospice care and the hours we spent sitting by her bedside were stressful on my family. After she passed, my family went to the funeral home and the director ran down a checklist of my aunt's choices. What a relief it was to realize that all we had to do was agree on the day with the church and pick family members for the readings.

So my advice is to do your family a favor, make your wishes known, and if possible make arrangements and payment in advance. It relieves a lot of stress from your family at a stressful time.
Jason

[blackthorn]

Battis, sorry for your loss.

We have used a lawyer to draw-up a will, but we are using a charted accountant to act as executer along with whichever one of us survives the other. The reason for this is so there will be no chance of argument among the children of our blended family. In the case of both of us dying, the CA becomes the sole executer. CA’s work is charged by the hour while any executer where we live is entitled to charge UP TO 5% of the estate value. Of course if we were to use the Public Trustee, a Lawyer or the Bank, they are more than likely going to charge the full amount allowed under the law. Several years ago we got everything possible in order for when we pass. Funeral (cremation) arranged and paid for etc. etc. WE THOUGHT!

The above is all predicated on the assumption that we are here one moment and gone the next, but what happens when our last days are lived in a mental, and perhaps physical fog? Recent events in the lives of my EX and her current husband however, have raised a very real and very ugly possible hitch which could happen to anyone. 20 some years ago my ex remarried a man (her cousin) (that is another story) 4 or 5 years her senior. At this point he is around 85 and she is almost 81 and BOTH of them have developed health problems along with some form of dementia to the point that the social-service authorities have determined they can no longer live independently and have insisted they move into an assisted living situation. My oldest son has been drafted into the job of managing their financial affairs and has been tasked with the responsibility of making sure critical life decisions are handled in their best interests, as well as being the executer when the inevitable end comes. Unfortunately, the seriousness of their condition only became apparent after they had reached the current level of disability and so no provision was made in advance. My son is now trying to get through all of the red tape required to get the necessary documents that will allow him to discharge his duties as their caretaker. SO---now Gail and I are undertaking to find out what we must do to ensure no similar ***** can happen with us. Over the next while we will decide what happens when/if neither of us is able to drive and we are forced to relocate from our current home into a place we can manage. We will also have to talk to our Lawyer to determine what documents must be put in place before we wait too long and they become a “must have” that is not there. Getting old sucks!!
The day after ex & hubby moved into an assisted living facility, he had a heart attack and died. She followed him within a week so my son had to switch from care decisions to executer! What a pain for him.

[Char-Gar]

Lots of folks think that not talking about death, or making preperations will make it go away. They die anyway and leave their affairs in shambles.

I have a will, health care power of attorneys and a DNR. Everybody should have these as well. In 37 years as a Pastor, I could relate to you many horror stories about families and the death of a family member who did not prepare for what is in front of us all.

[Battis]

What makes things worse are the details that we're finding out as we try to get things right. Example - he had borrowed against his life insurance policy so there's not as much as she counted on. Credit card debt - thankfully her name was not on the cards, or the car lease. I had to bring her to the Geek Squad today so she could open the computer - she did not know the passwords. Now I have to train her in basic computer skills...I mean basic. She has no checking account so we're trying to get her to open one. She has her license - she got it when she was 70 - but she never drove much at all, so she really doesn't know how to drive. That 2018 Honda is going back to the dealer when she closes the lease.
He was cremated today, so she's really in a funk.
It's getting funner and funner...

[Land Owner]

I am sorry for your loss Battis.

When my nearly 20+year older co-worker and life long hunting partner and reloading mentor passed in mid-2017, preceded by his wife in 2013, as his only "family" he left me everything and Executor of his Estate. I am still processing assets through Probate Court although much of the estate was in a Revocable Trust (worded that way legally while the Trustee is alive - then non-revocable after death - of course), which passed directly to me on his death and outside of probate (making it possible to liquidate assets without court oversight). Thankfully, I had a fair view of his wishes prior to his passing and he provided "bread crumbs" in documents, bank accounts, monthly automatic deductions to stop, whereabouts of guns and reloading assets, a map to the hiding place for the key to his tool box, and an unknown to me and therefore mysterious bank deposit box - with a whole new set of surprises.

What I was not expecting were the myriad idiosyncrasies of his (and her) lives. The odd purchases (from my perspective) they had made. Stock certificates from as far back as 1939 to transfer, which is a BIG DEAL to process including identifying the value of items within the estate for the Probate Court. Then there are the dealings with lawyers...

KNOWING what I know now, it should be easier for me to describe my estate and what I want done with it to those family members that survive me - provided they stop pissing me off as I have had to eliminate many of them from my will already! Identifying someone YOUNGER who is agreeable and Trustworthy to be the Executor of the Estate can be problematic. As my siblings and I age, they become less desirable to take on this task as it is a solemn BURDEN regardless of the potential financial gain. Their kids, since mine have eliminated themselves from my benevolence, are going to be my target audience as they should survive me.

I am going to take a grain of my own advice in what to do with my casting, reloading, and shooting armory? I intend to sell it in advance to those of you who will love the guns I have, will take care of them when they are your own, and turn my armory back into cash with which I will enjoy a few of the finer things that retirement has to offer. I cannot take it with me and I sure am not going to leave it to those with NO CLUE as to values, garnering flea market wages of pennies on the dollar after my death for articles that have at least their original retail value - if not more - and in that it will be MY decision with regard to the value of assets.

[lightman]

I'm sorry for your loss. May He RIP!

I agree, we all need to make plans. My Wife and I both have wills. We also have power of attorney for both financial and medical situations. Attached to my will I also have a supplementary list of suggestions on what to do with my tools, reloading stuff, brass and lead stashes. I'm trying to learn more about our household bills and things like where and how to order our medicine. A Son and also a trusted friend have our alarm codes and the combination to my safe, just in case something happens to my Wife and I at the same time.