Of all the nights!

[sawinredneck]

Sorry, this probably belongs there, but the “chapel” is too stuffy for me.

So knowing I suffer from depression and am struggling with my back issues, I’ve been asked tonight to give a talk to the youth in our church about suicide and why they need to carry on an persevere.
Right this very moment I’m sitting in my garage, music is around 104db, and I’m typing this between spasms, crying and screaming in pain. The loud music seems to help take my mind off of focusing on the pain and the vibrations oddly enough help slow the spasms down some.
Two nights ago I was fighting spasms so I went to lie down. I had a spasm hit so hard it threw me out of bed onto the floor. I’ve not had much sleep this week, which if you look at my recent posting times, you can see yourself.
I cannot in good conscious do this talk, speech, whatever, I’m a total hypocrite if I tell someone the fight is worth it when I wake up in the morning and have to fight myself to live.
The train tracks run through town at a 12deg angle, if you are traveling 75-80mph and turn lightly at the library’s front door you can hit the train at a negative angle, increasing no survival chance. Either remove the fuse for the air bag, or stab it with a knife ahead of time to limit its usefulness.
SERIOUSLY, how am I, in the state I am (temperature swings, big changes in barometric pressure, so on, screw me up bad! I got to sleep at 6:15am today, I was up at 8:54am and from about 6pm on ive literally been in screaming pain beyond whatever weather pattern is moving in?
Again, sorry it’s so long winded, and don’t get me wrong, I’ve visited many in our community when depression hit them. I’ve visited in the hospital and sat down with spouses and tried my best to explain it to them. It’s funny, most of them think their partner just goes blank and shuts down. It’s the exact opposite, there comes a point we have so much going on in our heads that we shut down to figure out what is and isn’t important because we are ALWAYS trying to fix a problem! We wake up in the middle of the night with a soloution to a problem three months ago. WE DON’T make sense and probably never will.
Oddly I’ve found some solace helping others in the past. But as it stands, I’m too far gone right now to steer anyone straight.
I hope this is halfway ledgible, I’m having struggles getting my arms, hands and fingers to do what I want them to! I don’t think torture or threatening to cut them off will go over well.
So there’s my dirty little secret, I have to fight all day, everyday to get through it. Then when you’ve been up 3-4 days straight because the pain won’t let you sleep, it’s a serious battle.
So while I’d love to help, I’m not the right “Huckleberry” at this time.

[Battis]

I'm sure you've tried meds, but, ****, something has to lessen the pain. I'm sitting here with a radiation damaged leg and foot, knowing that there's an Oxycodone pill 15 feet away, but I don't want to take it. I'll get to sleep around 3 - 4 AM, then get up at 6AM and start it all over. I keep telling my wife that if the surgeon had taken the leg off instead of carving out the football sized tumor and radiating it into leather, I'd have a strong, fake leg with no nerve endings. As far as giving a talk to the church kids - let them come over to your house one at a time to see what you're going through. People thrive on seeing someone else worse off than they are.
Suicide? What if you end up in some place or condition that's worse?
Not sure how religious you are, but keep in mind that suicide is the one and only sin you cannot confess...

[clum553946]

I’m not qualified to give advice on your situation but hope you find some resolution. Don’t know if you’ve tried any holistic approaches if modern medicine doesn’t help you, but sometimes it’s worth a try. Hang in there & Godspeed!

[sawinredneck]

I’m loaded on Fentynal as well. I’m sorry to hear of your troubles, I promise you I am!
Yeah, the whole “If I don’t get it right” angle! Oddly enough, that’s been one of the biggest reasons I e held on so long! With my luck, I’d end up even more screwed up and unable to finish the job!
For anyone that comes along and thinks we are taking this lightly, we ****ing have to! That’s a survival mechanism for us, if we can’t laugh, we’re already dead! But I’m tired, you average 4hrs of sleep a day for 7 1/2yrs and get back to me! I could do it in my younger days, but not more than four weeks and I had to crash.
I also get the whole God doesn’t like suicide. But not long ago I came across a very good episode of “Night Court” from way back. Mac, the clerk, made one of thee most profound statements I’ve ever heard for Hollywierd.
Beyond a mans limits isn’t a place where God wants us to be alone.

[jcren]

I know you didn't ask, but I will pray for ya anyway. Hang in there brother, everything gets better eventually.

[smokeywolf]

Also keep in mind that some meds; namely, Oxycodone, Percocets and all the other opioids and the acetaminophens (all processed by the liver) stress you liver with can result in emotional or psychological depression.

About 10 years ago following a bad back injury, I was put on Percocets. Was on them for about 5 months and like you, never slept more than 4 hours at a time. One morning I awoke with sense of dread and wondered whether my will was up to date.

After a day and a half of laying in bed and wondering if my time was coming to an end, I decided to take myself off the opiates and acetaminophens, substituted with prescription strength ibuprofen (ibuprofen is processed in the kidney) and started drinking more water, apple, pomegranate, blueberry, cranberry juices and the like. Surprisingly, the pain was not that much greater without the Percs, as my body had become too used to the opiates. It took ten days to two weeks to lose the feeling of doom.

Paradoxically, in the beginning, the narcotics keep you from being driven crazy by the pain. But, after a while those same meds that dulled the pain and kept you sane, do little to dull the pain and tend to mess with your mind and weaken your will to persevere.

With regard to taking one's own life, I have to agree with Battis,
keep in mind that suicide is the one and only sin you cannot confess.

[sawinredneck]

I know you didn't ask, but I will pray for ya anyway. Hang in there brother, everything gets better eventually.

Thank you. It’s not that I don’t believe in God, I just have problems with organized religion.
Many may not get that, but man has a way of mucking things up pretty good! An hour and half east of here is my “church”, there’s no building, there’s no other members I know of, but in that special place, I feel God and KNOW he’s a part of me and so much bigger than me.
“Where one or more of you pray, I will be there.” I don’t want or need to play the politics of religion, as it seems to have become. So I have my special place, anyone is welcomed when I’m there, but there will be no collections or sermons. You see Gods presence just by looking around.
Just so you know, I’m not your typical Christian.

[sawinredneck]

Also keep in mind that some meds; namely, Oxycodone, Percocets and all the other opioids and the acetaminophens (all processed by the liver) stress you liver with can result in emotional or psychological depression.

About 10 years ago following a bad back injury, I was put on Percocets. Was on them for about 5 months and like you, never slept more than 4 hours at a time. One morning I awoke with sense of dread and wondered whether my will was up to date.

After a day and a half of laying in bed and wondering if my time was coming to an end, I decided to take myself off the opiates and acetaminophens, substituted with prescription strength ibuprofen (ibuprofen is processed in the kidney) and started drinking more water, apple, pomegranate, blueberry, cranberry juices and the like. Surprisingly, the pain was not that much greater without the Percs, as my body had become too used to the opiates. It took ten days to two weeks to lose the feeling of doom.

Paradoxically, in the beginning, the narcotics keep you from being driven crazy by the pain. But, after a while those same meds that dulled the pain and kept you sane, do little to dull the pain and tend to mess with your mind and weaken your will to persevere.

With regard to taking one's own life, I have to agree with Battis, .

Believe me, I know the gig! I’m going to feel like I went through a cement truck in the morning! Next patch change I’m going to have to up it. (The Fentynal patches you wear for three days) I’m currently cutting the 50mc (yes, that’s micro grains, this stuff is 40-100 times stronger than morphine) in half and getting 25mc, I’m going to have to up it to 37mc. Yes I can hear it already, just go for the full 50mc! I’ve tried that twice now, both times were under Drs recommendation so it wasn’t something I did for ***** and giggles! Don’t od on Fentynal, just don’t od on anything! The first day you spend puking. The next day, even a couple days after, it feels like you went down with heat stroke. (Yeah, done that to) everything aches, you just feel putrid, and every muscle in your body hurts thinking it’s dehydrated.
Years and years my Drs lectured me about my liver. Oddly enough it’s doing quite well. But I spent a week in ICU because my drinking had shut my pancreas down, completely new one to me?
Then we can go on all night about constipation and the joys of hemmeroids, ahh, good times!
I’m failing miserably at keeping this short, I’m sorry.

[smokeywolf]

I still keep the oxy around for when the back muscles spasm, but if I take them for 2 days, I don't poop for at least 4 days.

There's a bunch of us old codgers here that have had similar experiences and although I wouldn't wish these conditions on most, it's kind of comforting to know that there's others who have a pretty good understanding of you're feeling.

Oh, and your last sentence; "don't apologize, it's a sign of weakness".:wink:

[sawinredneck]

Unfortunately, I’m somewhat young, at 47, broke my back 7 1/2yrs ago. I am weak, I am tired. I deal with miserable pain all day, grr it’s pleasure at night and the joy knowing I get to wake up with it again tomorrow and the day after, and the day after, over and over. How long before you loose your sanity?

[GhostHawk]

Brother Saw

I like you have a strong faith and belief in my Creator. And like you I think Mankind has screwed up organized religion beyond recognizing much less anyone short of the Lord himself fixing.

Like you I always felt closest to my Creator in the wild. Dimly lit forest cathedral or sweeping prairie. Wind tossed grass and running water. This IS my fathers world. I see his hand everywhere.

And our Creator did not wish us to be in endless torment.

PM will follow this post, I expect a call. I am in my chair and awake from 6am to 10 pm. After that you are on your own.

Reach up to the Lord, open your heart, humble yourself, and ask, it shall be granted.

[tommag]

Prayers sent from here, too.

[lightman]

Sorry to hear about your continued pain. Hopefully someday they will find something that will work for you. Having had back problems most of my life, I feel for you.

[JBinMN]

If ya don't think ya should do it, Don't do it.
;)

I am dealing with painful health issues as well. I do not wish to go into them here.

I also , although a Christian & practice my faith in my own way, am also no longer inclined to participate in "organized" religious activities, nor do I feel comfortable with participating much with religious issues & conversations on the internet as well. Both of them for personal reasons that I do not intend to share here publically.

I am only posting this here to also let you know you are not alone in some of these things, and perhaps that can give you some solace, just as others have posted the same.

I might add that one of the sayings I learned long ago & usually say to those who are talking about suicide, is, " Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.". You might want to ponder on that saying if you are not familiar with it.
BTW, I do not advocate for assisted suicide either, as I believe that we should go as God intended us to go & not by our own hand. But... that is all I intend to say on that subject also....

Best wishes & G'Luck in dealing with the issues that are bothering ya. I hope ya find some relief.

[sawinredneck]

JBinMN, as odd as it may seem, you’ve become an internet “buddy” to me, that’s a compliment.
Unfortunately on my end, I’m on a downward spiral I’m rather quickly, getting worse, not b. I assure you, I’ve been there, done that! I’ve had five chiropractor’s fire me, two kenesioligist fire me and an Accupunturist fire me. All of them fired me because they got to the point they couldn’t do anymore. I’ve done physical therapy, it’s helped some, but she told me I’d never be right again!

[Thumbcocker]

As a parent of a fantastic young woman who ended her life at age 21 I would advise you to tell the youth to think about those left behind. Those close to someone who suicides wI'll never be the same. There is a never healing wound in their souls and they never stop asking what they could have done or not done to prevent the act. Attempting to stop your pain by ending your life just passes the pain to others a hundred fold for the rest of their lives. Seek help it is out there.

[OS OK]

As a parent of a fantastic young woman who ended her life at age 21 I would advise you to tell the youth to think about those left behind. Those close to someone who suicides wI'll never be the same. There is a never healing wound in their souls and they never stop asking what they could have done or not done to prevent the act. Attempting to stop your pain by ending your life just passes the pain to others a hundred fold for the rest of their lives. Seek help it is out there.

I wan't going to chime in on this but these (^) were my thoughts from the start of the post...

I've lost 2 close friends to this 'act of desperation' and witnessed the carnage left behind.

Maybe God this or maybe God that...maybe God wants to see you man up and spare all those around you of your ordeal...maybe then, God will intervene, who knows...the rest is up to you. You have control of your mind and the mind controls the body.

I might sound harsh and you may think I have a hardened heart...your right on both counts. I could have written your post for you regarding your pain but certainly not the part on suicide, it ain't in my vocabulary. But...I can tell you this much, it takes an exceptional man to deal with unrelenting and constant pain...it's all up to you how you want to be remembered and what you leave behind.

I won't be comparing personal health notes as it is not my way for one, but I'll share this...get control of that brain, get it preocupied with something that interests you, get it engaged technically or imaginarily or whatever suits your fancy and that brain will overlook and not acknowledge a majority of your pain, it's a more powerful tool than anyone can imagine and it will bring you some degree of relief...that may be just enough to endure.

Yes, you have been dealt a bad hand...if you find yourself on the 'pity potty' get yourself off, dwelling in your pain and circumstance will only exacerbate your condition.
Perhaps talking about it as you have BRAVELY done here will find relief in the camaraderie of others in the same boat...I dunnoh, we are all wired differently and alike but most all can relate to pain and are sympathetic. I cannot dwell on my pain and I've asked all my friends to never ask how I'm doing...all that does is to take my mind off wherever it is and suddenly it scans the body and I find myself full of pain...heck, I hated when they would do that to me. Nobody ask anymore.

With the proper mindset and a determined will you are using all the tools God gave you from birth...prayer, especially 'hands on prayer' from your brothers in the Church is another.

Just try to remember that if you succumb to suicide your pain doesn't die with you...you pass it on to others, some of whom may never recover...ever.

c h a r l i e

[runfiverun]

I don't have a lot to add.
I feel for you Brother.
all I can say is focusing on the problem won't help, you need to focus on the solution.
I'm sure your feeling like there isn't one, and the more you look at it that way the fewer paths there are to follow.
go on get outside and take a real good look around.
I'm thinking I need to jump in the truck and go for a ride today, there ain't nuthin out there to shoot, it's too cold to go fishing, and everything is Brown or covered in snow.
so why bother?, I got plenty of stuff I could do right here in the house.
well... it's because I need a change of scenery I think.
maybe I will go get some coffee first [I don't even drink coffee and I'm sure we got some here in the house] but it's something different.

[Mohawk Daddy]

Please reconsider not giving the talk at church, Brother, and don't worry about feeling like a hypocrite. Don't be ashamed to tell them how you feel, just as you have told us. The fact you're still alive IS your testimony. You weren't called to give this talk at this time by accident, at least that's how I would interpret it. You need to do this; it's for you, not them.
I too lost someone this way four years ago, someone as close to me as you can get, and I can't live long enough for the pain to go away. Go give the talk, even if you don't want to, even if you feel unprepared, even if you have to do it cold off the top of your head. A solution is out there. Perhaps the talk will be a first step on the path to finding it. God bless.

[birch]

Suicide is a long death to those who will forever ask themselves what they could have done to stop it. Those folks suffer as well. My best friend's father shot himself in the head when my buddy was 13. My friend shot himself in the head 14 years later. His children are clinically depressed and lost and will have to battle as well.

I suggest very strong narcotics. If that does not work, I suggest stronger narcotics. If the mental pain is stronger than the physical, I suggest antidepressants, Xanex and strong narcotics and a good psychologist (not psychiatrist) who has not lived a charmed life.

My heart is truly with you.

[dverna]

A church of one is still a church. Be with God in your own way. I attend church, but find God in the woods as well.

I did not know your pain. I cannot suggest squat.

Spend more time at your church (of one) and God will guide you.

[Shopdog]

We've been affected by the S word here as well.Daughter in laws father,and two younger folks who were friends of my boys.....it's cruel and ugly on all sides.

Agree with above on there being a reason you got the call.And look,you don't have to say anything if you don't feel like it.Just being there and support for those younger folks is what "church" is about.It's alive,not some static,must hit the mark idea.The spirit moves people.You just might be the help or assurance someone needs?Go,try to feel the spirit... maybe give a hug?Receive a hug?

Best wishes on your health Saw,coming from an old shopdog!

[Boaz]

Everyone that has commented cares about you . I care about you . These people that worry for you are scattered across the country . We do care . They are trying to encourage you in their own way .
By what you have said I encourage you to seek help . Many have been where you are now and found relief but it's hard when your hurting in different ways . There is relief and answers , please seek medical and counseling .

I am praying for you .

[aspangler]

Everyone that has commented cares about you . I care about you . These people that worry for you are scattered across the country . We do care . They are trying to encourage you in their own way .
By what you have said I encourage you to seek help . Many have been where you are now and found relief but it's hard when your hurting in different ways . There is relief and answers , please seek medical and counseling .

I am praying for you .
I too echo Boaz's comments. I too am afflicted with a bad back. And yes sometimes I have those thoughts as well. I have to seek God's guidence for my life every day. Brother I feel your pain. I have had less than 4 hours of rest in the last 48 and know where you are coming from. As some others on here have said seek God wherever you find Him. He is the only one that can give you true relief.
I will be praying for you.
Albert

[EMC45]

Seek help. I mean that in the most caring and strong way I can. Speaking at the church would help I believe. Those folks would see you honest and broken, and telling your testimony will be genuine. Speak of your struggle and let them know what you're going through. I think it will help.

Lack of sleep will definitely screw you up. The body and mind need refreshment that is brought on by sleep. I have issues with sleep myself. Apnea and racing mind contribute to me not sleeping. It wreaks havoc on your life and mind. I hate that for you, because I know the burden it yokes you with.

Suicide is not an option. Speak to the docs and see if there are med changes or changes in dosage that can possibly affect a change in your situation. Driving in front of a train is not what you're supposed to do. You don't need that nor does the train conductor/engineer. There is always hope and always tomorrow. God has a plan for your life and it's for a future and a hope (Jer 29:11). It may seem hopeless, but there is light and future for you.

I too have a crushed column in my spine and busted up arthritic knees; amongst a host of other things. God is my strength. My healer. Yours too. I have dealt with physical pain, emotional pain and life pain in general. He will help. He is your comfort and provider. By His stripes we are healed. I believe you can be healed. When the docs say there's nothing they can do. God can do it. Don't lose hope. I have lifted you up to God and his throne room. From my lips to God's ears. There is hope.

Also break up the monotony (or as my old buddy from base would say "break up the monopoly"). Get outside and sniff the air. See the the sun and feel the breeze. It's all there for you. Cabin fever and stir crazy is very real - don't let it get to you.

[winchester85]

I saw this thread after I posted started mine about helping others.
I have not suffered from physical pain until relatively recently, and I know how it drains your energy. But, emotional pain can to the same.
I have no great words for anyone, I have no great communication skills. But, I have the experiences that I have lived through, perhaps others can take from your experiences or mine and find strength in something you have shown them about yourself.
I used to try to think about only fun times, and it can be hard.
My low point was over 10 years ago, since then my life has been better than I could have ever hoped for. That is not to say there are not times that are hard and painful, but I have a far greater appreciation for what I have, who I am, and what I stand for than ever before. I can sit and marvel at a wonderful morning looking over the sage while calling coyotes, or how wonderful the still evening air is. Find peace where ever you can.

[GhostHawk]

Like you I had swings of depression, eventually I learned some of it was seasonal. Some of it was situational. When life was not going well my thoughts would drift that way.

3 times it got bad enough that I was willing to consider ending it. 3 times I found a way to climb up someplace high. A water tower, a radio tower, and a dam. Three times I climbed up. And so ok, you want to end it all, let go. And 3 times I found both arms wrapped around whatever I was holding onto.

Eventually I would gain enough peace from the long vista, the fruitful earth spread out below me.
And I would gain enough strength to carry on. Make some changes, deal with what had to be dealt with.

I saw a TV show about survivors who had jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Fransisco.
All of them said I took my life with its small temporary problems, and gave myself a huge permanent one.

The problems I had when I jumped could have been fixed. The act of jumping gave me a problem I can't fix.

I suspect you cannot fix yours either. But you can make it worse.

Call me. I can't swear that I can help. I can only try.

[MaryB]

I have fought a lifetime of back pain and spasms. Since I was 15 and ended up the bottom of a pile of bodies coming in from a classroom in a different building in winter. Someone slipped at the top of the stairs and I had 20 bodies land on me. Back spasms yearly since then. Then at 46 I really did a number on not only my back but I tore both rotator cuffs, carpal tunnel finally caught up with me from a lifetime of hand tool use, knee cartilage is shredded had one scoped and scraped out, torn ACL in both knees... oh and a tumor removed from my left hip that was wrapped around the sciatic nerve(schwanoma) leaving me with left leg nerve damage. Then in 2013 a kid ran a stop and I T- boned his truck at 40mph... that earned me a plate in my neck.

So I know where you are coming from, I have to roll onto the floor then crawl up the wall to stand some days, right now it feels like I have a knife in the right sacro joint and it is being twisted plus nerve tingle/electric shock pain in my right foot.

Sleep? What is that? 2 hours, get up, walk around, lay back down, back up in 2 hours... never getting more than an hour at a time.

But guess what? Doc told me I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 50, that was 7 years ago! Staying active and fighting through the pain every day actually helps REDUCE the pain! I still keep a huge garden, I am remodeling a shed into an outdoor kitchen, I tossed a 40 pound bag of wood pellets on my shoulder and brought them in earlier, and I ground and either bagged or pattied 40 pounds of pork sausage today.

I refuse to give in, sure I have days where it is leave me the HECK alone if you don't want your head ripped off, friends know and understand that and let me be to ride it out. But they also know I need help sometimes and are willing to pitch in! You have to stay active even if it hurts, that is the key to getting through it. Since my back really went(lumbar decompression in 2007 that failed) it has been 10 years of what you are experiencing. Since 2007 I have had NINE joint surgeries!

And sleep when you can! I nap in my desk chair if i need to, or lay down. I do not have to keep a schedule since I am 100% Social Security disabled so why worry? I am often up at 5AM, sometimes napping at 8pm...

One thing that helped me pull through, plan one project a day. Be it clean house, make a big meal(hey leftovers mean no cooking for 3-4 days!), I brew beer and handle 60 pound full fermenters... live life to the max and do not let pain rule you! I take an oxycontin and a percocet when I get up, same again at 8pm, and a percocet before bed around 2AM. It doesn't stop the pain and I don't expect it to. It dulls it enough I can get moving for the day!

Tomorrows project: Move 202 pounds of beef from my front door to my freezer then spend an hour bent over loading it all into the freezer! But guess what? I am looking forward to it because I am having a ribeye steak for supper!

[tommag]

What keeps you from sleeping might not be helped by this, but here's something that helps me. I have a form of arthritis that primarily affects the spine. When I was having an attack, it was impossible to sleep more than a couple hours laying down. I found that I could sleep well in a recliner. Thankfully, I haven't had a major attack in several years, as it was debilitating during the worst attacks.

[sawinredneck]

We bought an adjustable bed and it has helped a lot!
Got some sleep last night, that sure helped the mental side of things. So my mind is sorted better, my back isn’t screaming at me but my body isn’t happy about the last few days! I can feel the burning from my pancreas and I’ve got a headache and the shakes from all the pills. What do you do lol!
I’ll have to spend the next few days getting hydrated, lots of water, cranberry juice and poweraide.

[tommag]

That's great news, Saw! Sleep deprivation messes with the mind a lot. Sleep also helps the body repair itself. Maybe, with enough rest, you might evenbe able to cut back on the on the narcotics.

[xs11jack]

Most of us out here do not have and may never have what you have. Therefore we don't have a cure or even just some relief but all of care about you and you are on our intensive care prayer list. God is hearing a thunder of voices all saying your name. God will bless you.
Ole Jack

[MaryB]

I went to a memory foam bed years ago, now I am designing my own adjustable bed for the memory foam mattress. It doesn't need a box spring under it, it can sit on plywood and is still soft(and better for my back, my box spring is sagging). That is a project for this winter. Making it in sections so it is easy to lift up onto my upper deck to come in that door. Impossible to get anything up my "steps" that are more of a ladder almost at a 45 degree angle. Narrow width, narrow treads, wall tilts in on the right as you go up to fit the roof slope... old farmhouse style steps

[sawinredneck]

Ok, disclaimer and preface: please read and understand the entire post BEFORE COMMENTING! This isn’t something I did all Willie nilly and without knowing what I was doing and the risks!

With all the breakthrough pain I’ve been having and the fact I HATE taking the stupid pills I decided to bring my Fentynal dosage up. Well, I OD’d again! Been throwing up since 6:30pm because my body is trying to get it out of my system. Good times!
My prescription is for 50mcg/hr patches. I’ve never been able to take the full dose and OD’d both times I’ve tried. I was cutting 1/4” off the patches and this was basically 37.5mcg/hr, but my Dr wanted me to try backing off even more so I’ve been cutting them in half for a 25mcg dose. Friday night it was time for a new patch and I opted to go back to 37.5. I told my wife, “Well, this is going to help, or get really ugly!” 24hrs later, I can seriously set my watch to this, it got ugly
I guess the saying is true, no rest for the wicked!

[MaryB]

My doc tried to prescribe that for me. I told her NO WAY. That stuff is far worse than the oxycontin/percocet I use.


Ok, disclaimer and preface: please read and understand the entire post BEFORE COMMENTING! This isn’t something I did all Willie nilly and without knowing what I was doing and the risks!

With all the breakthrough pain I’ve been having and the fact I HATE taking the stupid pills I decided to bring my Fentynal dosage up. Well, I OD’d again! Been throwing up since 6:30pm because my body is trying to get it out of my system. Good times!
My prescription is for 50mcg/hr patches. I’ve never been able to take the full dose and OD’d both times I’ve tried. I was cutting 1/4” off the patches and this was basically 37.5mcg/hr, but my Dr wanted me to try backing off even more so I’ve been cutting them in half for a 25mcg dose. Friday night it was time for a new patch and I opted to go back to 37.5. I told my wife, “Well, this is going to help, or get really ugly!” 24hrs later, I can seriously set my watch to this, it got ugly
I guess the saying is true, no rest for the wicked!

[MT Gianni]

I know I am late to the party but frequently pastors get inspired. He may not have wanted the kids to hear what he asked you about as much as he wanted you to talk about it.

[claude]

@ Saw'n
I can't add much, I can though, thank you for posting this, and for the all the folks that have replied. It has been a joy to see so many truly try to help, seeking zero in return, and it has been a "I mourned because I had no shoes, til I met a man without any feet" moment.

Consequently, whether you see it or not, your ordeal is a lesson to others you may not even know. I'm sure that is no great consolation, but it is a fact, you are an example of how to endure to someone, and there are also some good examples in this thread on the very subject.

So, I thank you, for sharing, and I thank all those trying to share with you, and I pray you glean something from this thread that makes a positive difference in your life.

claude

[sawinredneck]

My doc tried to prescribe that for me. I told her NO WAY. That stuff is far worse than the oxycontin/percocet I use.
I did OxyContin for a month, no thank you! Wake up in the am, wait until I threw up, then I could start my day. Then I started blacking out, wake up in bed, no idea how I got there or what I’d done!
I’ll see how I feel tomorrow, depending on how bad my withdrawals are, I may try to take a break from it. I’ve certainly not noticed any difference in my pain level the last 24hrs without it.

[GhostHawk]

Hey saw, what claud said up above. Even as you are thrashing and failing you may be helping others to find their way. Consider that?

Also consider this, we are the servant, the Lord is the master. We are not the masters of our destiny. He is, if you truly serve him. That is his decision to make. Would you really want to bring down the Masters Wrath upon yourself by doing something to end the pain? Will you spoil his work?

Or will you surrender to his will and accept the peace like a river that comes with it?

Once you reach the point where you accept that you can no longer continue. You also reach the point where you can submit to his will and be lifted. Go to the Lord in prayer, humble your heart, set aside your pride, tell him all. Tell him you can not continue without his help. Surrender and submit.

Or not.

Lay all your troubles at his feet, set down your burdens. His yoke is easy and the burden is light.
Ask and it shall be granted, knock and it shall be opened to you.