When your BF tells you she wants a divorse...

[MrWolf]

Wife decided after almost 25 years that since I am not going to be able to work much longer that instead of pitching in and working full time to help she would rather take half of everything and work full time for herself. Told me back at the end of February and we just told the kids this afternoon. Luckily (I guess) they are 23 and 21 with the 21 with a year left of college and the 23 lives in Philly. We agreed to stay together until he graduates next year and we sell the house. Figured I told my kids might as well tell my other family. Not much more to say. It sucks big time. Thanks for listening.

Ron

[8mmFan]

Mr. Wolf... I'm sorry to hear that. Went through that once before, myself. In my case, it woke me up to a LOT of things that I'd been putting up with and hadn't even realized it. As soon as it happened I told myself I would look at it as a learning experience, and see what a solitary life might lead to. To make a long story short, life ended up being happier than I thought possible. Was it easy at first? No. Did I have a lot of "lonely" times? Yes. Eventually, that became less and less, and the good meditative times more and more. About two years later life was the best I'd ever known. Work out. Sleep. Cook healthy food. Get out of the house as much as possible. Force yourself into conversations with anyone and everyone. Make an awesome life out of however few or many years you have left. Life in this country is a supreme gift. And it's short. 8mmFan

[doc1876]

I was married for 26 years. divorce was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. What 8mm said is very true.

[Superfly]

One word LAWYER NOW protect your self your BF will BECOME your WORST ENEMY. And Sorry to hear this news Sucks anyway you look at it.

[jcren]

Twice divorced, both times I was head over heals and they cheated on me. Took some time "off", just me and my daughter ,and when I stopped looking, Mrs right fell into my lap. The past is history, today is tough, but tomorrow is magic.

What superfly said is true, the person that you loved and who loved you will become so focused on those "cute little quirks" as to brew hatred. Try to remember you once loves this woman and keep it civil.

[shoot-n-lead]

MrWolf, I am very sorry to hear this. I know that it has to be tough to have this happen. I will add you to my prayer list and would like to encourage you to take the excellent advise and example offered by 8mmFan.

[Artful]

Now is the time for thoughtful consideration of what's your priorities - what do you want that you don't have that you are now going to be free to do? Do you want to go to shoots that are not local, do you want to visit places you have never been, do you want to change something about your life.

Remember - we have two words for not being with anyone - Alone and Solitude - only you get to decide which it is going to be. And I have a feeling you'll do just fine. ;-)

[crowbuster]

Boy I'll tell ya. Great bunch of guys hear with great advice, all true in my case. 18yrs ago I meet my 2nd, current, and last wife after 1st wife cheated, left me and took our two small boys, wow, that was rough. 100 times better off. Sorry to hear she threw ya to the wolves but some people do funny things when the chips are down. keep your chin up. You will be fine. And thank all you guys for giving good advice to a fella that needs it right now.

[bhn22]

By all means, do get a really good attorney, it'll be more than worth it. Don't just lie down and give her everything, and more. You're about to get a great gift, the kids will be on their own, and you can focus on yourself, and what you really want. Start making the list of things you want to do, and where you want to do them.

[Superfly]

Start stashing all the cash you can now. Also anything you really want to keep Sell it to a friend for a reasonable dollar amount and log it and keep the cash hid.

No Divorce Will ever be pleasant in the end or civil in the end PROTECT YOURSELF.

[NavyVet1959]

The only ones who win when you get lawyers involved are the lawyers themselves. If at all possible, keep the separation as civil as possible. I've known couples who divorce and end up being best of friends afterwards. That is definitely the exception to the rule though. Ending a marriage does not have to be an adversarial relationship, but it often ends up that way. Just accept the fact that she doesn't want to be with you anymore. If she has found someone else, tell her that you can understand that you have been involved with your career (or whatever) too were "not there for her" as much as you probably should have been, but you are happy for her. Say this even if you inwardly just want to "do an OJ on her". Yeah, I know... This is likely to stick in your craw, but it's cheaper in the long run than getting lawyers involved and your kids might even realize what a money-grubbing skank their mother turned out to be. :)

"The reason most men are stupid enough to get married twice is that they were stupid enough to get married the FIRST time."

"Half of all marriages end in divorce. The other half end in death. You don't get to (legally) choose which of you die though.

[MrWolf]

Thanks guys, appreciate the advise and prayers. As of now we are trying to come up with a settlement as she knows whatever we pay attorneys reduces what she gets by half. When we told the kids I mentioned what we were trying to do with an agreement and it being amicable. Sticking point is she wants a portion of my disability pension which bugs the hell out of me as she is not sharing in the pain. Cross your fingers.

[Houndog]

MR Wolf,
First let me say I'm NOT a Lawyer but you meed to see one ASAP! The Wife and I almost split after I recieved disability for an OJI and one of the first things he told me was disability benefits are not part of a divorce settlement! Even if you are trying to do a settlement without lawyers a paid consultation could be in your best interest.

[DCP]

Thanks guys, appreciate the advise and prayers. As of now we are trying to come up with a settlement as she knows whatever we pay attorneys reduces what she gets by half. When we told the kids I mentioned what we were trying to do with an agreement and it being amicable. Sticking point is she wants a portion of my disability pension which bugs the hell out of me as she is not sharing in the pain. Cross your fingers.

She may be entitled to up to half but you will be entitle to about half her pension. Good luck

[osteodoc08]

Sorry to hear of this. I've been through divorce and it's not fun. Id of rather burned all of our stuff to the ground than to let her walk away with over half. It's more than property but also savings, retirement, etc. All your hard earned savings flushed for someone's selfish behavior and lack of judgement. We're here if you need us. Praying for you and family.

[Wayne Smith]

One thing to consider - she has now twice proven that she is selfish, completely so. Take the advise of others and get a lawyer. Divorce laws are different by state, you need one that knows your state laws. You have no minor children, that should help. Your disability should be untouchable, but you need to know your state laws to confirm that. Even if you do nothing but get an education, it is worth paying the lawyer for that.

And she is NOT your best friend, she is now her own best friend. Don't forget that.

[SteveS]

MrWolf, you need a lawyer. Divorce is a legal proceeding against you. You need proper legal advice and the help of someone who keeps your best interest in mind.

It's a difficult situation but once it's over I'm sure you will enjoy your new found freedom.

Take care of yourself.

[Lloyd Smale]

like was said put away your feelings that are clouding your mind and get a lawyer and get whats yours.

[Handloader109]

like was said put away your feelings that are clouding your mind and get a lawyer and get whats yours.
I'll say it a bit different way, Keep what is yours!!!!

Never divorced, close one time 20 yrs ago, but get a lawyer, yes, you both lose some doing that, but long term, it i s worth the money spent. BTW, Each their Own lawyer.

[bob208]

as others have said bleed off as much of your stuff as you can you have a year. I got married at 24 divorced 3 years later. found a keeper at 50. the in between was filled with racing, motorcycles and shooting.

[Lever-man]

Almost the same thing happened to me 8 years ago. We were going to be amicable, work things out our selves, next thing I know the bank account is closed, I have no money & all the bills are due. She cleaned the bank account out! My advice is DO NOT live with her until your 21 year old graduates, get out now, sell or take the things you want, and move out. Prolonging the situation will be detrimental to your health and sanity. Been there done that. My ex-wife fed me the same line, when I finally moved out, it was like a 10 ton weight was lifted from my body.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Wife decided after almost 25 years that since I am not going to be able to work much longer that instead of pitching in and working full time to help she would rather take half of everything and work full time for herself.

Ron

If it all happened exactly as the above describes, it would be a pretty cold-hearted and ruthless business. But I think it very seldom does. Discontent on the emotional side very often leads to a desire not to get less than an even economic split. Pure economics very seldom leads to a realization that the emotional side doesn't signify. That doesn't mean she is in the right, of course, and still less to that hackneyed old saw that the blame always lies on both sides. Very often it is completely one-sided. Politicians the world over claim to support the family values, and yet they have increasingly made it the only contract in which the person defaulting usually comes out with as muh as the person who didn't.

Even if she is rotten to the core, where does showing you know that get you? People resent that attitude, and most especially the ones who actually are. But if you accept that she believes herself, perhaps wrongly, to have a reasonable excuse, it is a whole lot easier to avoid making this into a grudge match, and perhaps making her more vindictive.

"Lawyers now" is a bit like a dentist saying "Root canal work now". and yet both can be the least bad course of action. Yes, you need a lawyer, and not just to avoid losing the rights you might, if you proceed by guesswork and instinct. If you can just say "Let our lawyers settle between them what is the usual way of doing things", it avoids provoking her into bloody-minded intransigence.

It seems particularly rotten about the disability pension. I don't know your national or state law on that, but the logic of splitting the assets is that the wife, by looking after the home and children, being supportive etc., contributed to their amassment as much as the one who got the salary. She didn't contribute any disablement. It is probably a pretty cut and dried, one way or the other legal matter lawyers are thoroughly familiar with. They won't be cheap, but nothing like as expensive as they would be if asked to break new ground on new issues.

I remember some very wise words in a Peter Sellars movie of the 1960s, "I'm all right, Jack", about militant trade unionism. Two managers are talking, and one says that no matter how angry both sides get about the major issues, you are still negotiating. It is when everybody starts saying things like "What about them sausages in the canteen, hey?" that you are really sinking into the mud. Keep it simple, and keep it major.

There is one blessing that you can count. It doesn't sound like you can or would want to persuade her out of it. It doesn't sound like you have to persuade her into it. Where it is going is pretty well settled. You don't, like so many people, have to spend years agonising whether to be heartless or be a mark.

[Love Life]

Dang. I am truly sorry to hear this.

Start looking out for numero uno.

[dragon813gt]

Sorry to hear. First thing is clear out all the bank accounts. I'm not joking, clear them all out before she does. If you both have access it's on a first come basis. Second, get a great lawyer and retain a second one if you can afford it. You have essentially entered a war. If there is already one sticking point there is bound to be more. A lot of them start out amicably but end up as bitter drawn out battles. I see no point in being nice if your kids are on their own.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Sorry to hear. First thing is clear out all the bank accounts. I'm not joking, clear them all out before she does. If you both have access it's on a first come basis. Second, get a great lawyer and retain a second one if you can afford it. You have essentially entered a war. If there is already one sticking point there is bound to be more. A lot of them start out amicably but end up as bitter drawn out battles. I see no point in being nice if your kids are on their own.

This will antagonize her, and yet might be a good idea. But the courts regularly see spouses wailing that "He/she cleaned out the account", and sometimes things go by the impression you make. Ask your lawyer first, unless you have reason to think that every hour counts.

It could be a good idea to get it into a new, one-name account and get your lawyer ready to say "He did indeed and has given us account number xxxxxxxxxx , which now contains $xxxxx which may be common property, $xxxxx which is exclusively the husband's because....", (insert reason.) "Our client has left in the joint account $xxxxx which can only be the wife's alone. The first two were reallocated by our client to ensure compliance with whatever division of funds the court may decide."

I don't know what funds the court might find the husband doesn't need to divide. A legacy made solely to him, perhaps. That is only a guess, and there may be others. We may hope for an undivided pension for an undivided disability.

[dragon813gt]

This will antagonize her, and yet might be a good idea. But the courts regularly see spouses wailing that "He/she cleaned out the account", and sometimes things go by the impression you make. Ask your lawyer first, unless you have reason to think that every hour counts.
You are one hundred percent correct. But I've watched the ex wives clean out the bank accounts to many times to count. I see no reason to play nice. Pay for the most cut throat lawyer you can afford. The best friend part died when she said she wanted a divorce. Unless you just sell your shared possessions it's going to be a fight. As soon as retirement accounts are brought up you are at war. It's not amicable at that point.

[DR Owl Creek]

You are one hundred percent correct. But I've watched the ex wives clean out the bank accounts to many times to count. I see no reason to play nice. Pay for the most cut throat lawyer you can afford. The best friend part died when she said she wanted a divorce. Unless you just sell your shared possessions it's going to be a fight. As soon as retirement accounts are brought up you are at war. It's not amicable at that point.



+1


It's time to face reality!


Dave

[smokeywolf]

Even when it's not your fault, divorce still feels a little like a death in the family. Hope you and your soon to be ex can agree not to give 8 or 10 thousand dollars to the divorce lawyers (vultures).

[bhop]

if you just need an ear to listen pm me

[RogerDat]

Twice divorced, both times I was head over heals and they cheated on me. Took some time "off", just me and my daughter ,and when I stopped looking, Mrs right fell into my lap. The past is history, today is tough, but tomorrow is magic.

What superfly said is true, the person that you loved and who loved you will become so focused on those "cute little quirks" as to brew hatred. Try to remember you once loves this woman and keep it civil.

Tough as it might be at times, keep it civil enough that the kids don't have to pick sides. Ideally holidays should be able to take place at either one of your houses and former spouse and kids are both welcome. Does make it a whole lot easier once the kids get married if they only have one place to go to see their parents on holidays. Two sets of parents or grand parents once they are married are tough enough without having to juggle mom & dad as two locations.

You probably want your spouse to be happy, sometimes they have to go in a different direction to achieve that, or think they do. Can't usually change that.

Do get a lawyer but try to work things out between yourselves as much as possible.

[country gent]

While I wont offer advice on what to do ( Ive never been thru a divorce) I will offer my heart felt sympathy and support. In March 2002 I lost my wife of 18 years to a car accident. We had 3 children ages 9-15 at the time. It is hard and can be a trial at times being alone again. Take some time thionk things thru as to where you want to be and want to do and when and how. Make a plan and use it as much as possible. Also remeber unless one of you are planning on moving to another area keep it amicable as you may be seeing each other in day to day activities. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and lifestyle as much as possible. Definitly talk to an attorney and put one on retainer for this ( most of the time its a law office not just one attorney) and listen to him. He knows what to do and expect and should be experienced in these issues. Clean out a bank account saving investments that may be part hers could make for a big lump sum pay out to her, or possibly criminal issues. Also anuthing you do with out his approval knowledge or telling you to will put him in a worse postition if it does get nasty. Get support and follow it.

[doc1876]

10 years after D, I found a discrepancy in my credit. She had attached my ss# to her account, I was going to be liable for bounced checks. I got mean, the bank backed down. I wish to this day I had my own lawyer.

[fiberoptik]

Never divorced but often wish I had. 30 years of backbiting & insults. I hear your pain. I worked with another Marine deployed overseas. His wife & kids had a trailer on his parents property. Called home one day, parents said the hadn't seen wife & kids in over a month. He took hardship leave, found her with a jody in a trailer park enjoying his new Ford pickup, trailer, & wife. He tried to suck up to her so as to loose less. He knocked her up. The jody got everything in a basket with a ribbon. My friend got the bills. Cover your back!!!

[blackthorn]

In November 1991 I became aware my wife of 32 yearswas carrying on a long distance love affair with her 1st cousin inEngland. Things got a bit nasty but shesaid she wanted to make things work. I have always believed when you make a commitmentit is forever, so I agreed to try. I insisted all contact with him stop. I toldher that if he came to Canada as he was planning and she had any contact withhim I was done. She agreed. She lied! In February of 1992 after a bit of a blowup she informed me she was moving to England. I offered to put everything upfor sale and split 50/50, but I told her there would be no “fire sales”. Shesaid she wanted a cash settlement and gave me a figure that was less than half of our gross worth.I went to a lawyer who said she might come back later for more and no one knowswhat a judge will do in those cases. My lawyer insisted she get her own lawyerand cautioned me to have NO input into whom she chose. With a great deal ofreluctance I got my oldest son to help her choose a lawyer and go with her (shehas/had selective hearing sometimes). Her lawyer of course counseled her to gofor more, but to her credit she did not. The deal was she got cash and gave upall rights to part(s) of my pension(s). Canada Pension cannot be negotiatedaway but if the ex does not apply she would not get any of it. She laterapplied (of course) and got 50% of the benefit for the time we were together. Was sheentitled? Yep! But that was not the deal, but neither was I surprised as she hadalready established herself as a liar as well as a cheat. At the end of the dayI got out smelling like a rose and it was the best thing that ever happened tome, other than a short time later I got together with my current wife who is everythingthe first was not. You have been given good advice, get a lawyer and do thingsright, it will protect both of you. Even if you stay in the same house, startnow to live separate lives, with individual bank accounts etc. etc. It would bea good idea to get a legal separation drawn up so there is no argument later.Time is not your friend in the circumstances you describe. Best of luck to you!

[ohland]

Never been married [except to the cast iron ****** of the Infantry] but there are lots of folks that have posted quite expressive things on varied social media. Only to find out what "discovery" means in a legal sense. HINT: it isn't a cable show.

Plenty of good advise, I heartily recommend seeking legal counsel. Maybe not lawyering up, but get a legal opinion on assets. If this situation turns out to be not so good, hire a lawyer. BUT... lawyers will get paid from the assets one way or the other. Stay within the law. If there is a difference of opinion, it usually comes down to law.

IMHO, a disability is to the individual.

Bad past experiences seems to indicate you may be better off bringing things to closure, instead of this hanging over your head. Long term stress of something you cannot resolve and cannot improve, will just grind you down. As one of my 1SGs told me, "Don't worry, you're young, you'll get over it"...

[Deadpool]

She thinks she's getting half, but lawyers are getting huge chunks each too. Better off destroying the house and leave her nothing. Hire a demolition crew, spend whatever it takes. Or donate it and the land to charity!!

[BrassMagnet]

You are one hundred percent correct. But I've watched the ex wives clean out the bank accounts to many times to count. I see no reason to play nice. Pay for the most cut throat lawyer you can afford. The best friend part died when she said she wanted a divorce. Unless you just sell your shared possessions it's going to be a fight. As soon as retirement accounts are brought up you are at war. It's not amicable at that point.

I have seen the spouse get the house and bank account, plus spousal support, to leave the retirement account alone. When the bank account ran dry, it was back to court to get half of the retirement account. Judge #1 did the first agreement. Judge #2 gave away half of the retirement account.
A divorce settlement is never over. A judge can always change it.

[ohland]

A divorce settlement is never over. A judge can always change it.

Criminal lawyers or lawyer criminals? I forget.

Here's hoping that sufficient case law exists to cover your disability.

[Harter66]

I have perhaps had the only 2 divorces in history that ended well. The first required me to raise holy hell not only with my lawyer but ultimately with hers directly. She fooled around and drug her feet for a year and a half and at the end of all her screwing around we settled for about 80-20 me .

In the 2nd the court took longer than we did debts were high on that 1 as she had gotten a mid life Masters and we had a new car . Meanwhile we had actually very little in assets we settled on hers and mine she returned the heirlooms and I hers and settled up the debts totaling 38,000 . She wanted 14,000 for my half , I gave her 16,000 and she announced thar that "was fine whatever, I'm not going to fight with you over it". Of course where I went to school half of 38 was 19 but new math or something. In a bizarre twist now 10 yrs after X1 and 4 yr after X2 we can actually go to social gatherings w/o being to weird and we all get along with 1 another for the grands .

Marrying again probably won't happen , I have decided that love like radiation must be treated with time, distance and shielding . Fact is as long as it is just you and she working out the details and settling up the accounts it probably will be fine. After 25 yr there are 3 options 1 she just wasn't ready for this new wrinkle and her failing hormones over loaded her ability to think and given this year of resolution she will wake up 1 morning wondering what the heck she was thinking. 2 it will be quietly resolved and you will both go your ways with an equitable split and only minor chaffing. 3 everybody and her brother will get into it and you'll need 3 lawyers, 2 judges, TROs ,frozen accounts and court dispersed assets,give or take blood letting ,cussing,spitting and name calling. I would very quietly confer with an attorney possibly retaining and having papers done but don't throw it in the mix out of the gate . That is guaranteed to make big raging fires.

[Jtarm]

Man that sucks.

It sounds as if you have a disability. In that case, you're probably entitled to more than 1/2 the estate, plus some form of alimony if your state has it
As someone said, get a lawyer, NOW.

At least she waited till the kids were grown.

[white eagle]

Now I do not have advice to give about a divorce
My wife and I have been together 39 years and married 31
what I have heard from friends and co-workers who have been through what you are going to be going through is a lawyer is a necessary evil
you and your wife may be considerate of each other but the SYSTEM of the divorce is always geared for mine and yours and even though the both of you want to remain amicable the courts will make it very hard to remain that way
these are just my own observations from those who talked about their divorces
sorry to hear that you are having to go through this
keep your spirit

[LUBEDUDE]

I was in a similar situation not too long ago after 30 yrs of a model marriage and 5 yrs of rocky, when the disability kicked in. So I feel your pain.

When I finally broke down and agreed to a divorce after about a year of torment; we agreed on arbitration, otherwise only the lawyers come out on top. However, she broke the rules and used her wealthy Mommy's money and got a lawyer and filed on me.

I won't go into details about me but will say this, once papers are filed, whatever you are paying in support of her, you MUST continue until the divorce is finalized. So don't go up her cell phone contract or buy her a new car. In fact cancel or change the beneficiaries on your life insurance policy now, before papers are filed. Be thinking of such things to reduce your spending. If you think you will be getting kicked out of the house, cancel the cable and Internet before this happens. Things are fixing to get real tight!

Best

[azrednek]

like was said put away your feelings that are clouding your mind and get a lawyer and get whats yours.

See a lawyer ASAP without her knowledge. If you're disabled there is a good possibility you are entitled to spousal maintenance, alimony or what ever the key term is in your state. Doesn't mean you have to take it but don't rule it out as it will give you considerable leverage in a settlement.

Chances are she consulted with an attorney prior to giving you the bad news. Beware of any settlement offers no matter how fair or good it looks. DO NOT sign off on anything until you consult a real lawyer. Don't fool around with the legal clinics or divorce mills.

Don't kid yourself, she is likely involved in another relationship.

[opos]

This year I am celebrating 60 years of marriage.....however....there have been a couple of changes in players during that time...never easy and never clean as it seems like it's going to be...get legal advice on how to handle situations as you ease up on the date of separation...(I tried that the first time and it was one hell of a mess...we should have just shaken hands, had the "going out of business garage sale" and moved apart...we grew to hate the sight of each other....

Second time my Wife (much younger...sort of my "red Corvette" in middle age) decided that living in America's finest city with "Mr. Wonderful" wasn't her cup of tea so she moved back to Missouri to the hog farm with the folks and her sisters....no question about "holding out"...she took the car and what money she could grab and was gone...and then the real anger and spite kicked in...At the urging of the folks and the sisters,she got a lawyer...there...the lawyer got her to a "divorce specialist" in San Diego and it was a nightmare...fortunately I had detailed records..we had an anti-nup agreement so things were protected (she still tried to go after the protected items but it didn't work)...We had agreed to do it "friendly"...to share one attorney to do the paperwork, etc...but her folks urged her to get the divorce attorney and that blew up any nice talk or easy things..I cancelled all credit cards (were in my name with her as secondary signer), all bank accounts and changed the phone number and anything else...put all utilities in my name only and renegotiated my rental lease with the landlord as a single man.

I'm going to be celebrating 31 years of marriage to a wonderful woman on Wednesday...we both have the record of "failed marriage" so we don't even have a joint account...we both have our separate finances and no cosigners,etc..we have living trusts that are specific and I've given most of my stuff to my grown kids over the years...works for us.

Lawyers are paid to agitate and stir the pot...they are paid to argue with each other (and then go have a drink together when the day is done)...every t get's crossed and every I get's dotted at a price...but the lawyer is a necessary evil in today's divorce arena....

Good luck and try to come out of it with a smile...I still hear from and talk with my 2 ex wives on occasion (one is my children's Mom) and we just don't discuss the past..it's over and done...

[RogerDat]

Lawyer is Excellent advice (separation of a contract and division of assets and liabilities is after all a legal matter) BUT do not make the mistake of paying hundreds an hour to a lawyer to argue over a $75 piece of furniture or whatever. Seen it done.

My ex at one point told me point blank she was filing all sorts of motions so I would have to keep contacting my attorney because she knew mine cast $100 more an hour than hers. What she did not realize is mine charged by the 1/10 of an hour, hers by the 1/4 of an hour. Quick call saying when to be in court mine charged me 1/10 of his hourly fee, hers 1/4. If her conversation went to 16 minutes she paid for 1/2 hour, I paid for 3/10 of an hour.

By the end her bill was about $1000 more than mine. Pay off the debt, split the assets is fair. I get the debt, and 20% of the assets not so fair. That is where attorney comes in but at some point paying him to fight is a losing game. Better to be free and move on.

[azrednek]

Keep in mind you being on disability or will soon be. Asking her to pay your legal fees is not unreasonable.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

That is good advice about avoiding electronic communications. The OP's relationship may not have gone totally vicious, and with luck never will. But sometimes things get to a stage where getting into your communications or making counterallegations of misconduct may be very damaging to you. It would be a good idea to get a new mobile phone and e-mail address which she knows nothing about, and reformat your computer to its original condition.

This web page is part of a pretty alarming website, which is full of paranoia and hate, and yet ought to exist because of the dreadful things some men do to women. Nobody has to feel guilty about anything he himself isn't doing, but that doesn't alter the fact that the behavior of others has engendered a whole network of advice and technology which an aggrieved wife can draw on.

http://www.womansavers.com/catch-a-cheater.asp

There are always people ready to hold your coat in a fight, or pursue a matter like this more aggressively than they themselves would do. You need to judge your case individually, on the basis of what you know and what is likely to serve your interests best.

[NavyVet1959]

Let's use a hypothetical example...

Let's say that you have been married to a woman for quite awhile and she becomes paralyzed or comes down with some sort of expensive long term, possibly deadly disease (e.g. cancer, etc).

As a guy, if you were to decide to "cut your loses" and get a divorce / abandon her, you would be looked down upon by pretty much every other real man out there as a low life scum. People would think, "how could you do this to your poor sick wife?"...

Why should it be any different when a woman wants to do it to her husband?

If you've been married that long and she is willing to do this, then either she is a real low life or she already has someone else lined up on the side. If the latter, wish her the best of luck, but don't don't lose your pride by begging her to stay. Let her go, but don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of and end up supporting the guy she is leaving you for.

[NavyVet1959]

Unless she has someone else already lined up on the side or thinks that she can get someone after divorcing you, it does not make economic sense to divorce you. If she divorces you, she is going to have to get a job and go to work. All of the money from the work is going to be needed to support herself. If she stays with you, then she will still have to work, but some of the money will come from your disability income, so there should be a bit more disposable income. As they say, "two can live as cheap as one". Many couples who find they want to divorce these days have also discovered that they can't *afford* to do a complete divorce and end up living together as separated / divorced under the same roof, but each has their own life. They each keep their own accounts and contribute to the shared expenses (utilities, house payment / rent, property taxes, etc). Your kids are on their own, so you should have plenty of room to make part of the house "your space" and she have "her space". If you still get along with each other, this is an option. If you don't get along that well, it's probably best to make a clean separation from her -- split up the assets, move away, and don't leave a forwarding address.

[jonp]

Thanks guys, appreciate the advise and prayers. As of now we are trying to come up with a settlement as she knows whatever we pay attorneys reduces what she gets by half. When we told the kids I mentioned what we were trying to do with an agreement and it being amicable. Sticking point is she wants a portion of my disability pension which bugs the hell out of me as she is not sharing in the pain. Cross your fingers.

"Lawyer is Excellent advice (separation of a contract and division of assets and liabilities is after all a legal matter) BUT do not make the mistake of paying hundreds an hour to a lawyer to argue over a $75 piece of furniture or whatever. Seen it done." Excellent advice. Don't let this turn into a grudge match. Furniture, dishes etc you can buy again and you probably have too much of that stuff anyways. Selling the house may be a good move. Too big and in an up market you can make out good and move to a better one that will accommodate your impending disability.

Unless she is the one that disabled you then she deserves none of it. She is the one that asked for a divorce in the first place. You need to stop being "a good guy" about this and get a lawyer. We are now talking about money you are going to need to survive. This is not about revenge or being a ****, it's about protecting yourself.

I'd be darned I would just fork over 1/2 of everything I had and future disability to someone that walked out on me.

If she has moved out already then stop all communication with her until everything is final. Protect yourself and I can not stress strongly enough about a lawyer in this case. 1/2 of everything may or may not be reasonable for staying home with the kids etc but 1/2 of your future disability when you can't work to support yourself and she can?

" As soon as retirement accounts are brought up you are at war. It's not amicable at that point. " You can stop with the BF, now. A BF would not do that to you. You need unemotional, dispassionate advice from someone that is not invested in this. He does not have to be cutt-throat but does need to be competent. Just getting an attorney does not mean its going to be a war. Sounds to me like she is playing you and your good nature. Stand up for your legal rights. In NJ she may be entitled to 1/2 of your future disability or not. It should not be complicated but don't just roll over trying to be the good guy and make this pain go away.

[MrWolf]

Thanks for the great advise folks. I am adament that she is not going to profit from my pain and she knows it. As of now she agrees which is why I am trying to be fair and get an agreement. Based upon everyone's comments, I will be reaching out to an attorney for advise. We will be living together for the next year or so as my son graduates next May at which point the house will be up for sale. Trying to keep it as fair as possible recognizing we both have to live. More important for me to not hurt the kids. If it costs me dollars to do so and I can still survive, I will do it. I really aporeciate all the advise.

Ron

[Lloyd Smale]

ill add one more thing. I think your nuts keeping her there for the next year. The kids already know so the only reason I can see her staying is that she doesn't want to step out before she has your money. Send her down the road now. A year of you stewing in it is going to tear you up. Its also not going to be healthy in the long run for your kids. Its better they understand the truth and deal with it. Tell her is she wants to be gone to get gone. Tell her you will take care of the kids until shes settled. Watch one thing. DONT leave yourself. If you leave and shes living there alone it will be almost impossible to get a judge to allow you to have the house. If she leaves though the same problems will be hers. Remember your not really helping your kids and your surely not helping yourself so why should you help her!!

[Lever-man]

What Lloyd Smale is true. Believe me I know, if she wants out by all means help her pack. Trying to live under the same roof with a woman that wants a divorce will wreck your health!

[ascast]

Mrwolf I hope these guys can help you through it.
This is why I never got married, 5 older sisters was enough, and then some.
Why did we ever allow them to vote?

[doc1876]

One more thing of importantance, DO NOT do anything to get a DV charge. Mine tried that, thank God the cop involved saw through it.

[rush1886]

Went thru a very similar scenario in 1988. As has been said, contact legal help, and the next time she goes to get her hair done, have her bags sitting on the stoop for when she returns. Don't forget to change the locks.

Secondly, don't stage a wake for your own life. My current wife and I will celebrate 25 yrs together, come this August 31st.

[Piedmont]

I just hope the under 40 guys will all read this thread and not think "It won't happen to me." There is one sure way to make sure it doesn't happen to you. Last statistics I saw, 70-75% of divorces were filed for by women. No-fault divorce is the rule of the land and the courts and laws are skewed in the women's interest all over the western world. So if your wife just isn't happy, it is your fault (isn't everything your fault), and it is time to steal your stuff and move on.

We middle aged and older guys tend to think the younger generation just doesn't get it, but to their credit they are not getting married in droves. You may call it moral decay, but maybe they have more good sense than many of us give them credit for. Maybe they know the deck is stacked against them.

[FSR]

Do not be surprised when some of your "friends" turn on you. I have never been married but have seen many divorces. Our society has been brain washed into believing that it is always "the man who is the problem" that we no longer dare think the female may be the problem.

[ohland]

Lawyers are paid to agitate and stir the pot...they are paid to argue with each other (and then go have a drink together when the day is done)...

In the words from a West Virginia lawyer - "If you can't defend a child rapist, you shouldn't be a lawyer"

IIRC, lawyers were the lowest rung of the societal ladder during the colonial period.

Fill in any lawyer joke here. At least we can laugh at SOMETHING...

[Deadpool]

After 25 yr there are 3 options 1 she just wasn't ready for this new wrinkle and her failing hormones over loaded her ability to think and given this year of resolution she will wake up 1 morning wondering what the heck she was thinking. 2 it will be quietly resolved and you will both go your ways with an equitable split and only minor chaffing. 3 everybody and her brother will get into it

Women *always* have somebody in the picture when they talk of separating or breaking up. She may not even be honest with herself about it, but there is somebody in the picture motivating her. As a rule! They never breakup to be alone for awhile. There is somebody else she's pining for. She won't be single after the divorce, unless that was a pie in the sky and falls apart on her. In which case she'll want to come back; they are never single for long.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

I just hope the under 40 guys will all read this thread and not think "It won't happen to me." There is one sure way to make sure it doesn't happen to you.

Turn back the clock a decade or two, and not get involved with a younger woman? Making sure it doesn't happen to us sounds worth knowing, but you didn't actually tell us what that one way was.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Let's use a hypothetical example...

Let's say that you have been married to a woman for quite awhile and she becomes paralyzed or comes down with some sort of expensive long term, possibly deadly disease (e.g. cancer, etc).

As a guy, if you were to decide to "cut your loses" and get a divorce / abandon her, you would be looked down upon by pretty much every other real man out there as a low life scum. People would think, "how could you do this to your poor sick wife?"...

Why should it be any different when a woman wants to do it to her husband?

If you've been married that long and she is willing to do this, then either she is a real low life or she already has someone else lined up on the side. If the latter, wish her the best of luck, but don't don't lose your pride by begging her to stay. Let her go, but don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of and end up supporting the guy she is leaving you for.

I'm quite sure you are right about anyone of either sex doing as you described. Not everybody wants to parade the worst of his misfortunes on the internet, but we haven't heard that the OP's disability was anything like as extreme as this, or his wife was as ruthless. Some people have suggested treating the matter in what might be a much more hostile manner than it merits, and one which could do grave harm in court.

Sometimes expecting the worst makes it happen.

[country gent]

A nieghbor and good friend and his wife divorced and not because either was unhappy, she had major medical issues and medicare was better than his insurance with ther single they divorced stayed living together and this went for 10-15 years. Later on he develop health issues and had the same problems with his insurance . Sometimes things arnt what they seem. Mr. Wolf as far as advice Take some alone time and think thru what you want and what you need as far as support, companionship, and physical help. Decide on how her staying is going to affect you or her leaving now. I would just throw her out in the cold per say. ( That never looks good when it comes out in court). Take some time and think things thru first before blindly jumping in.

[nicholst55]

Thanks guys, appreciate the advise and prayers. As of now we are trying to come up with a settlement as she knows whatever we pay attorneys reduces what she gets by half. When we told the kids I mentioned what we were trying to do with an agreement and it being amicable. Sticking point is she wants a portion of my disability pension which bugs the hell out of me as she is not sharing in the pain. Cross your fingers.

My oldest son is a lawyer (although not a divorce attorney), and he would be quick to advise you - GET A LAWYER! Especially if she wants part of your disability pension, you need one.

[MrWolf]

Problem is there is no money to give her so she can reasonably leave. Our house in Florida is up for sale. Once that sells there may be enough but the cash has to pay off debt, kids education, etc.. Even if we were not getting a divorce, we would have to sell our house with the reduced money coming in. Right now more worried about the kids, taking it hard especially my daughter.

[gew98]

Problem is there is no money to give her so she can reasonably leave. Our house in Florida is up for sale. Once that sells there may be enough but the cash has to pay off debt, kids education, etc.. Even if we were not getting a divorce, we would have to sell our house with the reduced money coming in. Right now more worried about the kids, taking it hard especially my daughter.

I was born and raised in newjerkistan......yeah the living expenses are tough. But wait and see what a jersey goyle does when the money comes in.....you may find bills don't get paid and you're on the hook and the femme is out living it up. My first wife was a jerkistan disciple...but when she got "stoopid" and relapsed into her mothers lifestyle ... out she went and toot sweet. Can't say I did'nt see it coming but she sure did not beat me to the punch. My 2nd wife... well a half brooklyn and half Hazlet half polack half Eytie..... love her to death. 20 years and going. Have almost made a country girl out of her ( well maybe not so much ) . Anyhow the moral of the story here if you missed the meme is to be warned is well armed. If you really think she won't be adverserial and rip your finances out like the aztecs ripped hearts out you would not have posted.... you either have doubts and or do suspect the shank is coming in the dark of night.

[MrWolf]

I control the finances, pay the bills, etc. so not to worried about that aspect. Just a lousy situation for all involved.

[lightman]

I can't offer up much advice, as I've had the same Chick for nearly 40 years. I'm sorry you are going through this and wish you the best. Dealing with a disability and a divorce at the same time has to be tough. Hang in there and talk to us if you need to. Will be thinking about you.

[Lloyd Smale]

hate to say it but deadpool makes a lot of sense. Good chance shes just waiting for the new mr right to pack up and leave his situation so she has someone new to live off of before she leaves you. Anyway you look at this you need to make her gone!!!
Women *always* have somebody in the picture when they talk of separating or breaking up. She may not even be honest with herself about it, but there is somebody in the picture motivating her. As a rule! They never breakup to be alone for awhile. There is somebody else she's pining for. She won't be single after the divorce, unless that was a pie in the sky and falls apart on her. In which case she'll want to come back; they are never single for long.

[shooterg]

Lot of Jersey guys retire and move here(VA) nicely on their "Northern" pensions. Get the lawyer now. And come on down .

[blackthorn]

If (currently) things are amicable, see if you can come to some agreement and write it down. Get a lawyer to draw up a legal separation agreement stating the terms you have jointly agreed to. Each of you MUST have your own lawyer and neither of you should have any input as to the lawyer used by the other! This is for the protection of both parties. I must echo Lloyd's advise against continuing to live together. My ex and I remained in the same house for what was initially supposed to be 3 or 4 weeks that stretched into 5 months. It started out OK but as time progressed that arrangement wore VERY thin! Resentment builds and it becomes very hard to remain civil. If there is no written legal agreement in place, as time goes by most folks start having second thoughts, which is usually NOT a good thing in this type of circumstance. Whatever you decide, best of luck! If you need to talk, shoot me a PM with your phone number and I will call you. I have a phone plan that allows unlimited calls anywhere in north America.

[rockrat]

Not to mention that if you do still live together, who isn't to say that you won't be visited by the boys in blue for a non-existant domestic violence charge. There goes your shooting, and you get possibly jail time, unless you spend $$$ to fight it and have it erased from any record. No, best if you go your seperate ways NOW.

[ohland]

for a non-existant domestic violence charge. There goes your shooting, and you get possibly jail time, unless you spend $$$ to fight it and have it erased from any record.

IMHO, domestic violence calls are NOT a good thing. LEOs do not like them (nor would I). Even if they can tell it's a very dubious thing. But don't stop at just a DV, how about SWATing, or a restraining order... Trying to drown sorrows in liquid stupidity is not smart (some swim VERY well!) but if you have an incident or so down at the establishment, or say some (stupid and harmless) but rather alarming things while under the affluence, it won't help.

Never hurts being involved in club meetings, group activities, public functions, public attractions... I agree with writing things down.

All this is distressing, we think humans are logical and well meaning, but the old days of a handshake and a verbal committment are uncommon.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

I was born and raised in newjerkistan......yeah the living expenses are tough. But wait and see what a jersey goyle does when the money comes in.....you may find bills don't get paid and you're on the hook and the femme is out living it up. My first wife was a jerkistan disciple...but when she got "stoopid" and relapsed into her mothers lifestyle ... out she went and toot sweet. Can't say I did'nt see it coming but she sure did not beat me to the punch. My 2nd wife... well a half brooklyn and half Hazlet half polack half Eytie..... love her to death. 20 years and going. Have almost made a country girl out of her ( well maybe not so much ) . Anyhow the moral of the story here if you missed the meme is to be warned is well armed. If you really think she won't be adverserial and rip your finances out like the aztecs ripped hearts out you would not have posted.... you either have doubts and or do suspect the shank is coming in the dark of night.

The moral of that story is that the mother's lifestyle was there to be seen, and faith is not invariably a virtue. When Prince Charles was young, and the press was speculating on which girlfriend he would end up with, he told the story that his personal detective said "Sir, you should look at their mothers." Well, he thought he knew better... I knew someone who came badly unstuck because he didn't look at their daughters either.

[MaryB]

Friends wife pulled this on him. She had someone on the side, he was going on disability. They rented so no house in the mix but they did have a joint account. She wanted to stay together until after Christmas so the kids would not have that disruption 3 months away. He agreed and they moved to separate bedrooms. Day after Christmas she cleaned out the bank accounts and called the cops claiming a DV. Problem was the day she did it he was outside with me changing my oil when she claimed he hit her. Cops arrived while I was there and she started in screaming etc. Cops looked at me and asked if it happened and I said no, he was outside in the garage all afternoon working on my truck. Cops charged her, she lost custody, he filed theft charges for cleaning out the bank account(anything over $100 was supposed to require both of them to sign) and she got to spend 6 months in jail for forging his signature.

I would not stay in the same house, no way no how. Take your half of all bank accounts now and move it to where she can't touch it. Make a copy of the bank statement the day you do it as proof you only took your half. Then boot her out the door!

[Superfly]

A monkey NEVER lets go of a branch Unless there is another in there Hand. Separate and Half everything NOW or you wont have half when she is done.

[azrednek]

My apologies. Wrote about my bitter divorce, grew angry, regretted writing it and edited out.

[6bg6ga]

I can't believe that you felt the need to air your laundry on this forum. While I feel for you I also feel that some things should be kept personal and private. Get a lawyer and be honest with your dealings. I cannot respect people that try to hide money and property.

[MrWolf]

I can't believe that you felt the need to air your laundry on this forum. While I feel for you I also feel that some things should be kept personal and private. Get a lawyer and be honest with your dealings. I cannot respect people that try to hide money and property.

Sometimes just having a place to vent and receive advise helps. Folks here have become an extended family over the last few years and the advise about both of us retaining an attorney makes sense. I will leave it at that..

[6bg6ga]

Sometimes just having a place to vent and receive advise helps. Folks here have become an extended family over the last few years and the advise about both of us retaining an attorney makes sense. I will leave it at that..I should caution you against anything that you post concerning your situation on facebook and or forums because I have seen this used in divorces before. I can understand the need to share and obtain comfort but remember that it may come with a cost. Want advice? Ask your lawyer.

[opos]

Kind of sounds a bit like you are still trying to "be of help" to her, etc...I did that with my first divorce..Mother of my kids, etc, etc...we stayed in the house together..huge mess...I volunteered to take care of getting a CPA to do our taxes as a separate party rather than joint and I wrote the check for her taxes to "help her along"...she didn't have a job so I made sure she was "taken care of"...in short we used the word ...Divorce..and like the toothpaste..once it's out of the tube there is no putting it back...I paid her taxes, I paid for the CPA....I fixed her car...I made sure she had a job before we parted company, etc...in short I was the one trying to "fix things" and since divorce was coming it was a serious mistake. I wouldn't have needed to be mean or nasty but I did need to realize things were changing and she and I would not be together any more so time to let go and move on..

One time after the divorce I was near her place and stopped in to see my youngest son...her car was parked at the curb with bald tires...I mentioned it to her and offered to help out...her comment was "they are my bald tires now and you have no concern or say in how I live"..I said "I just want the best for you" and her comment was "the best for me is to have you gone"..end of any offers to help or meddling or offering...I was gone, moved on and live went on...she got remarried as did I and she did just fine without my help...cover your own fanny without animosity and let it go.

[Deadpool]

One time after the divorce I was near her place and stopped in to see my youngest son...her car was parked at the curb with bald tires...I mentioned it to her and offered to help out...her comment was "they are my bald tires now and you have no concern or say in how I live"..

And then she's driving angry in the rain with your son and slides into oncoming traffic. Uh huh, no concern.

[rockrat]

He can be concerned, but was told to leave. Nothing he can do about it.

[CT-shooter777]

Women *always* have somebody in the picture when they talk of separating or breaking up. She may not even be honest with herself about it, but there is somebody in the picture motivating her. As a rule! They never breakup to be alone for awhile. There is somebody else she's pining for. She won't be single after the divorce, unless that was a pie in the sky and falls apart on her. In which case she'll want to come back; they are never single for long.

Sad to say but this is true, I forget the movie, one of the Mission Impossibles I think but the English character states " Woman are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch, unless they have got hold of another".
Been there, done that, unless there is some sort of reconciliation possible DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER.
That confuses the issues both legally, financially and personally.
See if you can agree with a lawyer on a set price upfront, it's possible, I know.

You need to ask yourself are you really staying for the kids or yourself ?

Sorry for your troubles, best of luck.
This too shall pass, keep moving forward....................

[edler7]

I've been where you are at now, except I had 29 years invested. My best advice is don't be a nice guy...stop thinking of her as your wife or somebody you love. Think of her as a stranger who wants half of what you own. It takes a while to get into that mindset, but if you don't you will pay through the nose. If it sounds cold and hard...it's just like family court (the most male unfriendly place on earth).

Things do get better.

[ZmanWakeForest]

1) Get your lawyer....an angry divorced female attorney if at all possible!
2) Secure your cash and all your stuff!
3) Get out as soon as your lawyer advises
4) Be Selfish.....don't be the good guy
5) Don't do it again
6) Enjoy yourself.... LIFE IS SHORT!!!! You deserve to be happy!

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Sometimes just having a place to vent and receive advise helps. Folks here have become an extended family over the last few years and the advise about both of us retaining an attorney makes sense. I will leave it at that..

I doubt if your name is Wolf really, and the title of the thread was enough of a giveaway for anybody who had better things to do with his time. It is good advice, though, about not saying anything controversial on internet forums that could be identified with you.

If this thread proves anything, it is that women are neither better nor worse than men in this situation, and often not very different. A friend of mine who divorced her husband forty years ago is now happily single in her seventies. Monkeys fly through mid-air all the time, and entering life alone can be pretty daunting for someone who has left qualification and job experience far behind in the interests of the family. The task ahead of you is not sacrificing any goodwill which may remain - and often it does - while being prepared to face the worst.

In particular it might be to your advantage if leaving was provably her idea, or at least nothing existed to prove that you suggested it. Actually forcing her from the home before the settlement - do I have to say this? - is a piece of barbarism which is likely to prove extremely counterproductive.
Not just a little, but extremely.

[jonp]

Problem is there is no money to give her so she can reasonably leave. Our house in Florida is up for sale. Once that sells there may be enough but the cash has to pay off debt, kids education, etc.. Even if we were not getting a divorce, we would have to sell our house with the reduced money coming in. Right now more worried about the kids, taking it hard especially my daughter.

I'm not sure why your worried about that. She asked you for the divorce not the other way around. I think we are back to you being the good guy. I don't think you are going to find a lawyer who says living together for a year when you are getting a divorce is a good idea. What are you going to do when she starts dating?

I would be very surprised, as hard as it might be to realize or admit, if she did not have another guy or one in her sights. I almost got caught once in this type of thing. A girl I knew in college I happened to run across. She invited me to her house for dinner with her, her husband and their kid. It was interesting but oddly testy. A little while later she started hanging around and told me they were getting a divorce, she had kicked him out, it was over etc.....I found out differently when he called me one day to find out what was going on. I was stunned to say the least and never talked to her again. I was the "branch she grabbed hold of". Good thing he believed me when I told him what she had told me and had no hard feelings.

I have never been married so am an expert on these things. My advice should be taken with this in mind

[robg]

my divorce was ok till her friends started stirring things.Things will get better .not as bad as it appear at first

[MrWolf]

Thanks folks. Appreciate the advise and no my name is not Wolf, character in a book nor do I quite look like Grumpy (may act like him) and I am sure there are quite a few Ron's in the lower half of NJ. It is a lousy situation but since her part time income is not enough to live on and we have no extra cash, living together until something sells is the only viable option. Both of us will consult an attorney and I will continue to try an be fair. I am a firm believer in what goes around, comes around. As far as my statements on this board, I feel as if I have been very fair and stand by my comments as they are the same ones I told her. I do agree with the comment that saying things can come back and bite you. Thanks.

[blackthorn]

Quote "In particular it might be to your advantage if leaving was provably her idea, or at least nothing existed to prove that you suggested it. Actually forcing her from the home before the settlement - do I have to say this? - is a piece of barbarism which is likely to prove extremely counterproductive.
Not just a little, but extremely. "

I would venture to suggest that you have never tried to live in the same house with someone who has (in effect) chucked you away like the rest of the trash? I have! NOT PLEASENT! Further, it does not get better the longer it goes on! Resentment accumulates. If she can make it on her own in a year, she can do it now.

[Ballistics in Scotland]

Neither I have, but it all depends whether "chucked away like the trash" is in her mind or yours. Yes, there are a minority of people of both sexes as rotten as rotten can be. Where else do we get the idea of rottenness from? No animals or extraterritorial aliens. Even the humble tapeworm didn't sign up to be the sort of thing that gets parasites a bad name. But I would suspect that women who feel that way about their husbands very rarely want to stay near them. As I think somebody said, if she wants out, she can get out. Feeling the ex has to be treated right because he has treated her right is not an entirely extinct attitude, even nowadays.

Robg said "my divorce was ok till her friends started stirring things.Things will get better .not as bad as it appear at first" I'm sure the people on this thread mean well, and may well be giving advice that was right in the situation they have been through. But let's not forget that they are friends stirring things which, in some situations, might be better unstirred.

Jonp's post made me think. I used to get invited to family meals by female students, more in a mid-life refresher than post-high school, and I don't think I was missing any hints. Very possibly she just wanted someone from outside the family to talk to, and the husband got over-imaginative. Many a husband/wife can forgive an occasional meaningless fling more easily than having a friend of the opposite sex who is more interesting, or easier to talk to, than him/her.