I really dislike my ex

[osteodoc08]

Got a nice visit from DFACS at 815 this morning. It seems my ex called them and said she was in fear of my children's safety because I let my oldest who is 7 handle an unloaded firearm. I told the DFACS worker that what I did was not wrong, nor was it unsafe. She said that was my judgement as a parent. It was under direct supervision. I went on to tell her it was bull **** and that my son was more likely to die in a car wreck or as a result of fire or drowning, but yet we don't talk about those things, do we. By now I was furious and my fiancé was trying to calm me down and make me be more polite.

She also asked about an incident while hunting. I asked her what incident. I asked her if she was referring to me passing down hunting tradition from father to son when we went squirrel hunting. She said the allegation (my ex) told DFACS that my son was horrified. I showed her a picture of him holding the squirrel and smiling ear to ear. I asked her "does this look like he's horrified?" She said she couldn't tell and she wasn't a psychologist.

I then took the officer that was with her and showed her my locked up, unloaded guns in my gun safe. The officer said off the record this was bull shi she. We were in the basement.

Now I'm more than likely gonna have to get tangled up in the court system.

[btroj]

I wish you luck. Parents using kids as a weapon against each other is never good.

[Finster101]

I wish you luck. Parents using kids as a weapon against each other is never good.

Agreed. Don't ask me how I know!

[Charlie Two Tracks]

Try to keep your cool when dealing with those people. Once you get mad, they have the advantage.

[Bo1]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. It can and will cause problems with a new family, as well as between you and your children.
I had to deal with it for 15 years, and still have lingering issues to this day with both of my children because of it. Just try to do what was right by the children, and someday, they will see the light. Keep your chin up, and prepare for a long ride...

Bo

[osteodoc08]

The even sadder thing is that my ex, me and my fiancé had a "coparenting" session and I caved into not allowing them to handle guns until older. Just to avoid this scenario. Even my fiancé told the case worker when I was in the basement with the officer, that we had resolved this already and don't understand why it was still an issue. The case worker asked my fiancé if her and my ex communicated to which she replied all the time. We have a good working relationship.

[monge]

Just keep on track show her how happy you now are and spend some quality time with your son and your fiancé this will get to your ex and she will soon self destruct!

[Jailer]

The even sadder thing is that my ex, me and my fiancé had a "coparenting" session and I caved into not allowing them to handle guns until older.

With your ex using tactics she is you are going to have to stop meeting with her like this. It's unfortunate but she is using the fact that you will do the right thing as tool against you. Keep your interactions with her brief and limited what is necessary. Do the right thing with your kids and some day when they are older they will see things for what they are.

I don't envy you one bit.

[bayjoe]

The best way to get even with your ex is to get on with your life and be happy. Deal with her when you have too but show her your are happier than any time in your life.

[brtelec]

We went through something similar with my son and his ex. They are not allowed to speak to each other except by e-mail and text so they can prove what they have said to each other. My son has a restraining order against the ex's mother and this poor kid is stuck in the middle. She called social services multiple times. They have to pick up and drop off the child with a third party and all this happiness only cost me somewhere in the neighborhood of $30,000.00. No one wins in these situations except a couple of lawyers.

[Freightman]

Sorry to hear and I don't know what you are going through, but do keep your cool, don't lose your temper as it will only hurt you.

[Menner]

Here are the facts
When children are involved the mother 9 times out of 10 has the upper hand to begin with, if you loose your temper she wins. All of the advice above is good. Stand your ground when you know you are right but do not get Mad to the point that it shows, if you are calm court officials will see that and especially if your ex is getting upset. Get a calendar and note significant events or agreements that occur it is a lot easier to recall what has happened if it is recorded and you can reference it later it will also help as you will look organized and responsible. you also want this to be a surprise to the ex the first time you need to pull this out and bring up something that she can't remember hopefully in front of a mediator or judge her reaction sound be worth the effort of record keeping.

Bottom line is Stay calm at all cost especially in front of he children and court officials. This can be difficult to say the least and believe me your ex will try to P*** you off just to show how unstable you are don't play that game. Let her make all these complaints just prove them to be unfounded and record them in your calendar. If court officials show up get their names and a copy of any paperwork that they have and record it if and when you have to go before a judge it will give your lawyer info he/she will need and when the list is produced it will show tendencies that she exhibits.
I will stop I could write a short novel about this stuff but I digress
Good Luck and stay calm
Tony

[Jeff Michel]

Menner is correct, keep detailed records of what was said, to whom, what was the result of any discussion, AND make every attempt to have a witness to accompany you when you have a "discussion". Most people do not keep detailed records and my ex-wife was one of them. Believe me they are worth gold when you have your butt hauled in before the court. Don't argue.....ever. Go through channels. Never ever, malign or insult her in front of the children, remember they can and probably will be called as witnesses. Never let her see you upset or disgusted or frustrated, just sigh and tell her to have a nice day and go immediately to your attorney for advice. For over 17 years I spoke only through a mediator to my sons mother and never directly to her. This will work out, be patient. you have better footing today than men had 25 years ago.

[osteodoc08]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm basically doing what was suggested and have been documenting. We documented our discussion about the "incident" they are "investigating". I'm just venting.

Sad thing is, when his cousin hit him with an empty beer bottle necessitating steri strips and left a scar, I didn't call DFACS. Things happen.

When my youngest slammed his boyhood with the toilet seat and it turned black and blue, I didn't call DFACS cause things happen.

No longer.....

Waste of damn tax dollars too.

[Blammer]

there is a voice recorder you can buy for about $20, it is the size of a flash drive (actually it is a flash drive too) It records beautifully all conversations, descreetly too. Put in your front shirt pocket and use it, it can record 15hrs.

I would get one of these and use it!

nothing like saying "would you like to hear exactly what you said on such an such date?"

[9w1911]

ok ok spend the money and lawyer up, do not let these people in the home any longer without an attorney present, do not answer any questions without an attorney, if these are the only two incidents be mindful not to create more. If an attorney cannot be present reschedule when he can, if not have the state provide you with written questions you may answer with your attorney at another time.

[Jailer]

there is a voice recorder you can buy for about $20, it is the size of a flash drive (actually it is a flash drive too) It records beautifully all conversations, descreetly too. Put in your front shirt pocket and use it, it can record 15hrs.

I would get one of these and use it!

nothing like saying "would you like to hear exactly what you said on such an such date?"

Good advice but check your local laws regarding recording conversations and make sure you stay within the law if you go that route. Check on both person to person and phone conversation recording as the laws usually differ between the two.

[9w1911]

be mindful that some "evidence" is not admissible in court

[tomme boy]

If you do try to record voice, make sure it is legal in your state. In Ia, you must tell the other person.

[Bad Water Bill]

Since you do possess firearms AND want to take your son hunting, consider QUIETLY becoming a N R A certified instructor.

Imagine the surprise on her face the next time she brings up guns before the judge and you can produce the certificates.

Your Honor I AM a certified instructor and here are the papers to prove it.

Firearms safety and hunter safety are the first two to come to mind.

[osteodoc08]

Bad water bill. That's a great idea.

For right now, I'm just gonna kill her with kindness and refuse to let her mess with my head. Everything will be done just as the divorce decree states to the letter and keep notes. I will continue to a proactive father and teach them the values in life I feel they need. That includes following The Lord (ex doesn't take them to church), how to be respectful and act as a gentleman, and about the outdoors from camping and hiking to fishing and hunting. My ex can teach them how to hind behind papers, go shopping at the mall and how to pitch a fit until you get what you clearly "deserve" even if you haven't earned it....

[grumman581]

ok ok spend the money and lawyer up, do not let these people in the home any longer without an attorney present, do not answer any questions without an attorney, if these are the only two incidents be mindful not to create more. If an attorney cannot be present reschedule when he can, if not have the state provide you with written questions you may answer with your attorney at another time.

I believe that once you get lawyers involved in a disagreement, BOTH parties end up losing. The only ones who come out good are the lawyers for both sides.

[AkMike]

If you do try to record voice, make sure it is legal in your state. In Ia, you must tell the other person.

Sometimes the recording itself isn't allowed but a transcript of the recording is.

[300savage]

it is ok to miss yur ex,, so long as yur aim is improving.

[osteodoc08]

Well, DFACS took my fiancé and her daughter aside this afternoon. Her (our) 7yo gave her side and also volunteered the day she got shot in the eye (actually her brow). My son had taken his BB gun and was shooting at bugs on the plastic slide on our play set. A ricochet hit her. The DFACS worker asked her if it hurt and she said no not really. She went on to say that I broke his BB gun over my knee (he wasn't supposed to have it and took it after I told him not to) and she was afraid. DFACS worker said afraid of what. She responded "my brother getting a spanking". DFACS worker asked if he did and she answered, no, getting his gun broke was enough. He didn't mean to. Bless her heart. My fiancé told me my daughter set that DFACS worker straight and said she loves her daddy and her brothers and that we are all good to her and treat her like a princess. She's my angel for sure.

DFACS worker told my fiancé that she didn't really see anything wrong and we shouldn't hear anything else and thanked her for her cooperation.

Looking back, the worst part was my father in law had the kids for the first time since my 4mo old was born and we were supposed to be able to sleep in without kids......

Alls well that ends well I guess.

[WILCO]

I wish you luck.

Same here. Life is too short.

[Char-Gar]

You should listen to your fiancée! Thanks the nice folks for their concern for your children. Answer their questions politely and show them what they want to see. Thank them again as they leave and tell them how much you appreciate all they do to keep the kids in your community safe.

As it is, you now look like some jerk with an anger management issue, plus guns and minor children in your house together. You want them to think you are a calm, reflective and responsible person who is in control of himself, his children and his firearms at all times.

Living a successful life is 95% a head game and the other 5% is just dumb luck. If you are not in control of your thinking and emotions at all times, you will screw up your life big time through bad decisions and bad actions.

Sorry if you don't like this, but somebody needs to tell you the truth and not just feel your pain and frustration and agree with you how badly you were treated.

[Rockydog]

osteodoc, All of this stuff is a pain in the rear. But you've been given good advice here. Especially on keeping a record of phone calls and contacts. Date, time, duration and subject matter. Also keep track of all monies spent in addition to child support. Shoes, clothes bought etc. Later on Soccer team fees, Boy Scout memberships... Anything that's not a birthday or Christmas gift. You might need that to bolster your image as a parent willing to go above and beyond. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. One afternoon at 3:00 I got a call that said, " I'm moving your son's belongings to the curb if you are not here before dark and they disappear that's tough. I can't take his attitude any more. He's all yours full time." He was in 5th grade at the time and we bach'ed it for a year until I got remarried. Probably brought he and I closer together than if we'd had a "normal" family. His sister stayed with their mother but later lived with us when she was in HS. Neither has much to do with their mother and they are in their 30s now. If you stay calm and hang in there it'll all work out. RD

[Bloodman14]

Doc, been there, done that. Don't, for God's sake and yours, lose your cool. Kill 'em with kindness, you will come out ahead. Keep calm, have all the witnesses you can, and don't lose your cool (didn't I just say that?). Seriously, you are in it deep, and the only help you have will be your fiance' (bless her for putting up with this!) and the daughter. My prayers, man.

[Lloyd Smale]

I allways said a man should be issued one free pass when he turns 18 to use on anyone he wants. I would have no doubt used mine up on the ex!!

[jonp]

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm basically doing what was suggested and have been documenting. We documented our discussion about the "incident" they are "investigating". I'm just venting.

Sad thing is, when his cousin hit him with an empty beer bottle necessitating steri strips and left a scar, I didn't call DFACS. Things happen.

When my youngest slammed his boyhood with the toilet seat and it turned black and blue, I didn't call DFACS cause things happen.

No longer.....

Waste of damn tax dollars too.
I don't want you to get overly graphic but exactly how did you youngest get his package trapped by the toilet seat?
All the advice here is good although it is hard to not get angry over these antics. The Child Cop showing up has to if some wild allegation of something illegal is going on but hopefully he/she has some common sense as the LE seems to.

BTW I hope your "no longer" comment doesn't mean your going to start in getting back at your ex by doing this too. The more she calls them and you don't, the more they show up at your place and you offer them tea and crackers the sooner they will will get sick of coming over as your ex will look crazier and crazier.

[762 shooter]

I felt your pain.

Whatever you do, DO NOT fall into "It's the principle of the thing" trap. My attorney of many years ago told me he paid for his house trying to help people come out on top with "principle".

Time may not heal all wounds, but it helps them to scab over and not itch anymore.

762

[osteodoc08]

You should listen to your fiancée! Thanks the nice folks for their concern for your children. Answer their questions politely and show them what they want to see. Thank them again as they leave and tell them how much you appreciate all they do to keep the kids in your community safe.

As it is, you now look like some jerk with an anger management issue, plus guns and minor children in your house together. You want them to think you are a calm, reflective and responsible person who is in control of himself, his children and his firearms at all times.

Living a successful life is 95% a head game and the other 5% is just dumb luck. If you are not in control of your thinking and emotions at all times, you will screw up your life big time through bad decisions and bad actions.

Sorry if you don't like this, but somebody needs to tell you the truth and not just feel your pain and frustration and agree with you how badly you were treated.

I wouldn't go that far Char-Gar. Other than referencing the CDC statistics, I did apologize to the lady for being defensive. I explained the situation and was quite polite after the initial shock of them being there was gone. Nobody likes to be woke up at 815 in the morning on the only day you've had a chance to sleep in for over 4 months. A jerk with anger management issues is perhaps over the top. But hey, you're just reading words on a screen. In the end the DFACS worker said she had no concerns. So I doubt I was a complete *******. You've gotta remember I was using this board as a source of venting. However your points are valid and and I will accept it as constructive criticism. Thank you.

[osteodoc08]

JonP- no, I don't intend on calling DFACS for minor things, but I should have documented it with pictures and a follow up email to my ex with CC to my lawyer for filing. Obviously she is just trying to make my life difficult now that her boyfriend dumped her. Life was good when she was with him cause her attention was not on me. Now she has nothing else better to do I suppose and it kills her to see me happy and have a child with someone else.

My youngest dropped the toilet seat when he was lifting it up to go. He was 3 at the time and could just clear the rim of the bowl when he dropped it. Wham! Ouch. Makes me cring thinking about it.

[WILCO]

Living a successful life is 95% a head game and the other 5% is just dumb luck. If you are not in control of your thinking and emotions at all times, you will screw up your life big time through bad decisions and bad actions.

Sorry if you don't like this, but somebody needs to tell you the truth and not just feel your pain and frustration and agree with you how badly you were treated.

True words.

It's never too late to learn and make changes.
Life is too short for constant drama, chaos and circus lifestyles.
Often times, I like to recommend these two books:

[osteodoc08]

True words.

It's never too late to learn and make changes.
Life is too short for constant drama, chaos and circus lifestyles.
Often times, I like to recommend these two books:

Just ordered from B&N.

[Jim Flinchbaugh]

Obvious why she is your ex- drama queen extraordinaire.
Dont fall into the trap, but play fire with fire as well.
I'd file harassment charges against her if it was me. She wants a PIA? Give her one.
Remember when it was ok to smack someone when they needed it? its unfortunate we cant do that anymore.

[jonp]

JonP- no, I don't intend on calling DFACS for minor things, but I should have documented it with pictures and a follow up email to my ex with CC to my lawyer for filing. Obviously she is just trying to make my life difficult now that her boyfriend dumped her. Life was good when she was with him cause her attention was not on me. Now she has nothing else better to do I suppose and it kills her to see me happy and have a child with someone else.

My youngest dropped the toilet seat when he was lifting it up to go. He was 3 at the time and could just clear the rim of the bowl when he dropped it. Wham! Ouch. Makes me cring thinking about it.
Ouch, makes me cringe too lol

[Char-Gar]

I wouldn't go that far Char-Gar. Other than referencing the CDC statistics, I did apologize to the lady for being defensive. I explained the situation and was quite polite after the initial shock of them being there was gone. Nobody likes to be woke up at 815 in the morning on the only day you've had a chance to sleep in for over 4 months. A jerk with anger management issues is perhaps over the top. But hey, you're just reading words on a screen. In the end the DFACS worker said she had no concerns. So I doubt I was a complete *******. You've gotta remember I was using this board as a source of venting. However your points are valid and and I will accept it as constructive criticism. Thank you.

I am glad your encounter was less toxic that your vent suggested. Without going into my resume, I have long and deep experience trying to help divorcing and divorced people move on with life and parenting with the least possible damage to the children and themselves. I have done this in the capacity of a Marriage and Family Counselor and a Mediator in divorce and child custody cases. So when I read of these things, I tend to go straight to the principal issues at hand.

The issue it to get the child protective people out of your hair and keep the animas and conflict with your ex at the lowest possible level for the benefit of all. I understand full well, that emotions are frayed to the extreme in these kinds of cases, but there is much at stake here, the welfare of the children being paramount over other concerns and conflicts of the grown ups.

This forum does not allow me to have the personal contact and get the feel of the people and personalities involved, so I just have to go for the throat and let the chips fall where they may. I would be much more gentle one on one.

This was indeed intended to be construct criticism and nothing more. I am glad you received it as such.

[Beau Cassidy]

Get an automatic call recorder app installed on your cell phone. I MIGHT have one on mine. You just never know.....

[osteodoc08]

Thanks for letting me rant guys. That in and of its self is therapeutic.

I appreciate all the sage advice.

Mods, if you want to close this thread (up to mod; it doesn't matter to me), I think we've (or at least I've) gotten all the benefit out of it.

Thank you to all.

[lka]

My x wife tried something similar, The sheriff showed up at my house around 10 o'clock at night to do a check on my two-month-old baby,, told me that she said I have a lot of guns in the house and he would like to see them, I told him no they were locked up in a vault, then asked me to show him I have milk and woke jr up to inspect for signs of abuse.

The following morning I got up, went and saw a lawyer, paid him, had him draw up paperwork, gave me full custody of my child, for me to keep the houses/businesses/etc. And for me to pay off whatever debt she had before they got married. I received the paperwork about a week later, I tracked her down, presented my proposal, and drove down to the attorneys to get it certified as she signed it. Now I see here maybe once a year and I was able to raise my son. She told me she learned a quick lesson,, never call the cops for bs reasons and don't get guns involved. I would probably still be married to her if she did not do that, but I'll be damned if I would ever associate with somebody who has done such things.

It will get better though now I'm happily married with two more kids to a wonderful conservative woman Who is happy just to raise our children, she took jr in as her own. No drama.

[osteodoc08]

It will get better though now I'm happily married with two more kids to a wonderful conservative woman Who is happy just to raise our children, she took jr in as her own. No drama.

My fiance must be her sister. I really couldnt be happier other than artificial drama from the ex.

[lka]

Get an automatic call recorder app installed on your cell phone. I MIGHT have one on mine. You just never know.....

Yes that's another thing, still to this day we Records of,

Date and time she calls and what she called about
Date and time of the yearly visit for how long general attitude etc.
Keep any voicemails emails text messages etc. no matter how long.
Keep records of stuff you hear or whatever, like DUIs drunkin bar nights, ext.
Make a file and keep them in yearly order

I felt things weren't right when she was pregnant and I started to keep records then just incase.. I kept her apology letters where she admitted wrong doing all kinds of stuff, this really helped in her decision to not be a total pain in the *** during the divorce/custody thing. Oh and I don't do that with the new wife, you will know when stuff is right, I knew the first wouldn't work out but married and reproduced with her anyways figuring things would change, in my experience they can change for a bit but always go back to original so if you don't like the original then move on and find one you do,, makes life a lot better ;)

[lka]

My fiance must be her sister. I really couldnt be happier other than artificial drama from the ex.

Lol good for you, the most important thing (IMO) is to make sure you can see the kid(s) and be involved as much as possible. I have friends that didn't fight and they get the kids like every-other weekend and it's really hard on them, even harder to get those things reversed it's sad how few rights to our children us men have when it comes to these things lol

Good luck ;)

[smokeywolf]

In Kali, unless you can prove the commission of a felony or a direct and immediate risk to the child(ren), the only way to win, place or show in family court with a female is to outspend her on legal help. In my case my ex's parents were worth several million dollars.

smokeywolf

[osteodoc08]

In Kali, unless you can prove the commission of a felony or a direct and immediate risk to the child(ren), the only way to win, place or show in family court with a female is to outspend her on legal help. In my case my ex's parents were worth several million dollars.

smokeywolf

Same boat here brother.

[Char-Gar]

Just an observation in general about divorce and the aftermath;

I have yet to see a divorce where there was not enough blame to go around. It takes two to make a good marriage and it takes two to make a bad marriage. This isn't always a 50-50 split, but it is always some kind of split. Blaming the other party and not taking responsibility for our own failure is a certain recipe for a very long and drawn out painful divorce.

I have an ex-wife and have no desire to live with her every again. I do respect her many fine qualities, but there are a few negative qualities that when combined with my own quirks makes a happy marriage impossible. I am certain she would say the same thing about me and she would be right.

[longranger]

Time to move far enough so it's inconvenient for her to not have immediate and direct contact with you or the kids. I am wondering how it has come to pass that the mother does not have custody ? Usually Dad is visiting his kids, the Dr. Laura books rock,she rocks.

[lka]

Time to move far enough so it's inconvenient for her to not have immediate and direct contact with you or the kids. I am wondering how it has come to pass that the mother does not have custody ? Usually Dad is visiting his kids, the Dr. Laura books rock,she rocks.

Lol, I asked my x to read that book, she did, she liked it but it only lasted a couple weeks :( I got full custody because I think deep down she didn't want our son, and I kinda paid her off with the debt thingy, she lives about 15-20 mins away, she's welcome but she just doesn't do it, she will call a couple times a year and threaten to stop by, even make a time but never follows through. I think there's been a huge change in woman these days, there are still good woman out there but a lot seem to think of children/family as a burden or something that takes them from their friends, the ******** dads still out number them tho,, although I have seen friends just give up because the mom just made it so damn hard to see their kids. I honestly feel the collapse of the family unit is a major issue these days,,, hope for change!!¡

Oh the king is doing the state of union address in a bit, anyone going to set through it? I'll be watching to get my blood pressure up a little, it's been a long day I can use the energy. I think he is going to just taunt us with the executive orders.

[WilliamDahl]

Oh the king is doing the state of union address in a bit, anyone going to set through it? I'll be watching to get my blood pressure up a little, it's been a long day I can use the energy. I think he is going to just taunt us with the executive orders.

Nawh. Anytime I see that SOB on the TV, I want to shoot the TV and that gets expensive after awhile.

[lka]

Nawh. Anytime I see that SOB on the TV, I want to shoot the TV and that gets expensive after awhile.

Lol, I like seeing the BS and listening to the libturds defend it the next day :D

[lka]

Nawh. Anytime I see that SOB on the TV, I want to shoot the TV and that gets expensive after awhile.

Ok I've seen enough, lol. I'll listen to the partisans tomorrow am ;)

[WilliamDahl]

Lol, I like seeing the BS and listening to the libturds defend it the next day :D

A neighbor of mine was throwing away an old CRT type TV and had it on the curb for garbage pickup. I seriously considered getting it, setting it up and waiting for that illegal occupant of the White House to come on and then take a few shots to vent my anger. But the TV had a layer of ice on it from the freezing rain last night and I just don't like mixing electricity with water.

[6bg6ga]

I hate to be the one to say this but the burch in question can easily print out this entire thread and try to use it against you. I feel for you and there are times when I feel they should be hunted.

With respect to the "King" I didn't watch his little show last night simply because I couldn't put myself thru it. I believe we should keep one thing in mind and that is I believe there is enough to try him for treason. No point in getting upset and shooting up an old CRT tube. Bullets are for game and or targets.

[Moonie]

Wife said I could watch it, she would watch something else in the bedroom as she didn't want to hear me yelling at the TV. I opted out and we watched things we had on DVR. I am however watching fox news this morning...

[markshere2]

Guys, somebody's gotta say it.

Shooting a TV because a lying scumbag islamist communist is on it is just fine, as long as you own the TV.

But the internet is forever and a 'horrible tragedy' occurred such as the officeholder actually getting shot, You might well be in the pool of suspects because of your words.

[WilliamDahl]

Guys, somebody's gotta say it.

Shooting a TV because a lying scumbag islamist communist is on it is just fine, as long as you own the TV.

But the internet is forever and a 'horrible tragedy' occurred such as the officeholder actually getting shot, You might well be in the pool of suspects because of your words.

We would all be in the pool of suspects just because we don't drink the leftist Kool-Aid. But access to the "lying scumbag islamist communist" is so strictly controlled, it's not like anyone would get very far after they did decide to enforce the Constitution. It seems pretty obvious that the Secret Service never took an oath to defend the Constitution.