View Full Version : Need some family advice

01-19-2014, 06:26 PM
Rather than post in a forum full of strangers, I felt I would get better advice here.
I've been out of work for a month, and I'm not sure if or when I can go back due to an injury. The doctors have me on all sorts of medication. My significant other has had it with me. I'm in pain most of the time, and tired from the medication. So, I spend most of my time doing nothing much. We have 5 kids between us, and she seems to resent my 2 kids at times. I know I'm becoming a financial burden on her, and I don't see a solution. We argue a lot lately, and I really love her, but I think I may be a bit depressed. I'm not even able to do much with the kids. I'm in debt up to my @ss now. Anyone got any advice for holding a relationship together in such tough times? Thanks for listening.

01-19-2014, 06:28 PM
Counseling. Be honest about the depression. Make sure she know you want to make it work.

Good luck, I hope for the best for you and your family.

Dean D.
01-19-2014, 07:51 PM
Btroj has given you about as good of advice as your bound to get. GOOD communications is crucial to a solid relationship.

Teddy (punchie)
01-19-2014, 08:56 PM
Sometime people live and think they been in pain. Pain is depressing and sometimes a symptom of depression. Chemical not always just mental.

Talk to Doctor about it.

Talk to her about it.

Work to a goal. After a few days of rest work towards get though the pain. Life is hard. I had migraines , then bad back , work though it, takes years and can be done.

People ask why I cut fire wood, GYM cost money. No gym and I make a few bucks to spend.

Cut with wife and kids , deliver and go out for dinner. Way things are only way we can get out for dinner of four, wood money.

Look for God and ask for help read bible and try to go to church. Try it may help. Pray with your wife??

Find something to do as family, even going to local playground.

Wayne Smith
01-19-2014, 09:20 PM
Instead of arguing identify problems to be solved. Your pain is a problem, are there any solutions? Finances are a problem, what solutions might be available. Long term planning now can help look at long term solutions when there are few or no acceptable short term solutions. How old are the kids? Can/should any of them be involved in these discussions of problems to be solved? The more minds there are looking at them the more potential solutions there are.

Brainstorm, throw out the most ridiculous and unlikely ideas without criticism. Then view them through the eyes of reality. When you can identify problems and address them as problems to be solved you aren't seeing the person as the problem.

01-19-2014, 09:37 PM
Great advice Wayne.

01-19-2014, 09:38 PM
You are arguing because of the stresses that neither of you expected and probably never have dealt with before. If you are depressed, it is affecting her. She may not understand or believe either the physical pain or depression. As Brad suggested counseling may very well be the answer for both of you but even if she refuses you find someone to help you!

01-20-2014, 09:14 AM
To me it sounds like your lady is telling you something you don't want to hear. I'm sure you both are right on some things. Go to her and make a list of things you both agree on. Then work on a couple of small items in contention to try and get some progress going. Get some financial help if needed before things get to far out of hand.

01-20-2014, 10:10 AM
I have a theory that I explain to everyone who is having trouble with a "relationship" or marriage. There are actually three relationships that all have to work: Between the couple, between the couple and the community that supports them, and between the couple and God. If any of these are broken, trouble is likely. Community is defined as all those friends relatives and acquaintances who have a stake in seeing you do well.


Charlie Two Tracks
01-20-2014, 10:14 AM
I have nothing to add except that you have to DO something. The advice already given is spot on............. now what do you do? Today

Wayne Smith
01-20-2014, 12:09 PM
Another thing to consider is that both of you are hurting and, more importantly, scared. You don't know how you will pay your bills, and that is scary for anyone. If you have faith in God it is time to go to Him and give that faith some feet.

01-20-2014, 12:54 PM
Thank you all. Sound advice that I needed to hear. I'm going to start working on the pain today. I have a gym at home. I'm going to attempt to work on some physical therapy at home. I'm also going to have a long talk with the Mrs. And also with God.

01-20-2014, 06:11 PM
Getting out of a rut is easy if the rut is shallow. If you don't change what you're doing or how you're doing it, the rut just gets deeper and harder to get out of.
Some, but not all, ruts can be filled in. Some can be paved over.
.....In Michigan ruts will come back due to our freeze thaw cycle.
.....In Texas ruts in the caliche will suck at you and pull you back.
Some ruts are deep enough that you need a new path.

Help, helps.

01-20-2014, 06:32 PM
When Mrs. smokeywolf or one of the kids get sick, I find that I have to be careful to control my mood and remarks, because I get frustrated when I can't do more to make them feel better. Maybe you're SO is frustrated that she can't be of more help to you.
Also, if you're on a bunch of meds, they can cause depression in you. Depression can be contagious in a close relationship.

Remind her how much you're looking forward to going back to work and getting things back to normal.

Another vote for counseling. It can be very effective. However, it only works if both partners want it to work.


01-20-2014, 07:10 PM
Well, I don't know why anyone would take advice from a crazy fool like me but here goes. Walk up to someone and ask if they can build a house. Most folks will look at you like you are crazy and say no. Ask the same person if they could nail together a square frame to pour concrete in and they will say yes. Then ask them if they could build a wall most will say yes. This is what you have to do. You are overcome by the problem. You can't get your hands around the whole thing. Get together with your other half and make a list of the problems. Everything, from your pain, no money, to the fact that your wife doesn't like the paint in the bathroom. Then prioritize them. Now, do the first one. Don't worry about the rest until you have a handle on the first one. Then go to the second.

A year and a half ago my wife got West Nile Virus. She almost died. She came home from the hospital on oxygen, in a wheelchair with here right side paralysed. I found a package of pink legal pads at the 99 cent store and we made the list. Things got better. Not right away. There are still things on the list. Always will be.

When your problem seems bad read this thread (http://castboolits.gunloads.com/showthread.php?226786-Having-a-tough-time-dealing-with-this)...things could be worse.

01-20-2014, 07:32 PM
"crazy fool like me" (you)?

Not so crazy foesgth. Very wise actually. Much of the time large problems defeat us simply by appearing too large to deal with. Breaking them up into a series of smaller manageable problems allows us to set realistic and attainable goals. Each time you reach a goal it gives a feeling of accomplishment and a more positive attitude which also encourages us to continue to work toward what we want.


01-20-2014, 09:41 PM
Sage advice from the posters above.

01-20-2014, 10:38 PM
The only I can add is my prays.

01-21-2014, 06:18 AM
Good morning
Stuff happens. Things we sure do not go looking for.
I will pray God awakens you to Him and what He wants you to do. He will guide if we want to be led. He will enlighten if we want to see. He will give strngth if we want to walk with Him.
Mike in Peru